Does forgiveness given mean forgiveness received?

[Yvonne]

I was just reading Gayle's thread and I was getting ready to comment but then I thought---"I'm not really sure about this one."

I was going to say that forgiveness given doesn't mean forgiveness has been received. I have heard that not forgiving keeps you attached to the abuser. I also concur that forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things.

The thinking here is that I may forgive and therefore I've done my part, but the other person may not accept or receive the forgiveness for whatever reason. I'm coming from the perspective that I may need to offer something to do what is right, but once offered, I am not responsible for the other person's response. I wanted to see what your take on this is.

[Jerry]

Dear Yvonne,,,
Good point,,,,,,if the abuser is in denial as to the real nature of events,,,,then of what use is Forgiveness for it has fallen on deaf ears ;)

Love Jerry

[Anna Marta]

IMHO it wouldn't be healthy to walk through life thinking I was responsible for other people's responses. Wouldn't that negate "free will"? :confused:

AM

[Gayle]

I'm coming from the perspective that I may need to offer something to do what is right, but once offered, I am not responsible for the other person's response.


I have heard of forgiveness processed along this line as well - have also tried it.

I have read books/novels where forgiveness is presented this way most often - have stopped reading them. This is how it happens in story books and movies - not necessarily in real life.

Confronting the situation to my family as individuals and as a group happened a number of times - not confronting as in accusing/arguing - attempts to discuss the wrong done as in the abuse and suggesting we learn how to respect each other in whatever ways that was not happening. This was done with and without the assistance of a mediator and either way was rejected. I was so naive to think they would be willing to listen and recognize what had gone so wrong. Instead the "need to speak truth" was placed back on me in order for any healing to happen - I should retract what I said about family but at the same time forgive the wrong I said they had done toward me if in fact they had done those things. Then everything would be forgiven and forgotten. If that sounds twisted and confusing - it is.

Some people see letting go of the abuse and not holding it against the abuser is one way of forgiving - I see that as letting go of the negative feelings towards another person or about the situation in order to be able to function as best as one can.

Some people feel the need to go to the abuser and tell them they are forgiven even though they don't own up. In a way that is like putting the weight of the abuse back on the abuser. The person abused might be better able to walk away from the abuse this way? I've found that abusers often have more duck feathers than I do.

Forgiveness is what happens when the abusers are able to talk about the wrong done, own it, change the behaviors and begin to relate in respectful ways. It takes time. When taking into account how when abuse, that becomes psychological mind games at the hands of a narcissist, affects people - and the healing process becomes a mind game as well - one would be better off walking away and cutting ties as quickly as possible. Maybe God can deal with them. I know I can't.

Sometimes the abuse has done enough damage that self protection is more important than going through a healing process that would require an abuser to be part of it except where the legal system is involved.

I don't know how to match the Biblical way of forgiveness to the abuse - maybe its a power struggle, an attempt to defy the abusers teachings? or maybe the spiritual lingo just doesn't work for me. well this is a bit of processing for me. Gayle