Do I have to go back there?

[Gayle]

Today my brother, who lives far away but is in the area the past few weeks, who molested me called and asked to go for coffee. I said I wouldn't feel comfortable with that. He said that's ok and went on about other generic things. I listened while waiting for a possible reason for his call. Eventually he said he was just calling to make sure everyone (family I guess) was happy. I said oh and we said goodbye.

After I thought that was easy. Then some memories and thoughts that maybe I should have accepted - see where it might go. Then I thought - been there done that. Then the guilt of my non-christian attitude - am I unforgiving. Maybe. maybe not. What is it that I don't want to reconnect with. I had confronted and confronted with other family and there was so much denial, then admission then retractions it went on and on. What did I need in order to meet with him - a more clear intention from him that told me he was ready to talk about the abuse. I met with him before at his request - it didn't happen. I felt stupid confused and crazy after just being around him. I've decided not to initiate talking about it any more.

Just because we are siblings is there an onus on me to keep trying??? I feel like a rotten dirty little kid mud all over my face and I can't wash it off. What if I just plain don't want to reconnect ever again.

[Anna Marta]

Just because we are siblings is there an onus on me to keep trying??? I feel like a rotten dirty little kid mud all over my face and I can't wash it off. What if I just plain don't want to reconnect ever again.

Dear Gayle,

The only onus on you (any of us) is to take care of your well being and protect yourself from any further damage. If you don't want to reconnect ever again that's your choice. There is no moral or ethical judgment involved; it is a choice you are free to make. Healthy "boundaries, walls and fences" were a topic in another thread. Your situation is a good example of how hard it can be to erect one...

When I read the analogy for your feelings, your words touched me so deeply. I remember asking a question (to myself) "If it is him who did something wrong, why do I feel so dirty?" It takes a long time to be rid of the shame someone else heaps on.

I pray that some day you will be able to come to terms with this and be able to place blame where it belongs, then walk away feeling like the good girl that you are - clean and beautiful.

AM

[luttrell03]

Dear Gayle,

The only onus on you (any of us) is to take care of your well being and protect yourself from any further damage. If you don't want to reconnect ever again that's your choice. There is no moral or ethical judgment involved; it is a choice you are free to make. Healthy "boundaries, walls and fences" were a topic in another thread. Your situation is a good example of how hard it can be to erect one...

When I read the analogy for your feelings, your words touched me so deeply. I remember asking a question (to myself) "If it is him who did something wrong, why do I feel so dirty?" It takes a long time to be rid of the shame someone else heaps on.

I pray that some day you will be able to come to terms with this and be able to place blame where it belongs, then walk away feeling like the good girl that you are - clean and beautiful.

AM

I agree with AM Galye. It is you that gets to choose the pace and boundaries for your healing. Nobody has the right to move them where you don't feel comfortable. I'm so sorry for the hurt that's happened

[simka2]

My dh is dealing with a similar situation with his parents...more along the lines of emotional incest. At the moment we have cut all contact. We asked for space...and instead were attacked, labeled unforgiving, not honoring mother and father, and had the reas of the family sicked on us.

I say that, to say this...dh has decided that until his parents are willing to write on paper specificly what they want to communicate...he's not interested in meeting with them. Putting it in writing has become the safe form of communication he will allow. That is our boundary...hope it helps :)

[ex-shep]

I may love my parents, but I am not going to let them abuse me. That applies for any relatives. I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. It is OK to say no. The other posters have summed it up. Sorry you had to be subjected to the memories and the call.

[dougjb]

Hi ex-shep,
I agree with you that not only do we deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, I believe, that we should insist on it if people want to interact with us. No deserves to be treated like a doormat, we should expect and receive the dignity and respect as a human being made in the image of God.
Anna, agree with that Gayle is "clean and beautiful" and the predator is the guilty.

dougjb
some food for thought

[Jerry]

Just because we are siblings is there an onus on me to keep trying??? I feel like a rotten dirty little kid mud all over my face and I can't wash it off. What if I just plain don't want to reconnect ever again.


Dear Gayle,,,,
Wait a minute,,,,,Wait a minute,,,,,Wait a minute,,,,,Hold the phone,,,,,Take 5 here......Lets use this time to remember who was the "abusee" and who was the "abuser" Sweetheart this isn't your mess to clean up ;) Forgiveness and Reconciliation are two DIFFERENT words.......

Love Jerry

[Anna Marta]

... this isn't your mess to clean up ;) Forgiveness and Reconciliation are two DIFFERENT words.......

Love Jerry

Again the sage speaks and I can but stand in agreement... so few words, so much love and wisdom.

[Gayle]

Thanks everyone for your kind words. Today was a better day. Your comments helped me remember again where the responsibility should be. It used to be very clear but its been a long time since I've had to go through that process and I'd been walking on eggshells less often (a good thing)....guess the after thoughts took me a bit by surprise.

There was a time when I hung up the phone on family often - they too kept calling in spite of repeated requests not to make contact. I asked for written communication as well but that was totally disregarded therefore cut off all ties with certain family members.

When I was growing up I felt I was forgiving people as the abuse was happening. At some point it became overwhelming and I became depressed and broken down - started needing to talk about things - this is a sign of un-forgiveness and bitterness to them. But the further away I stay from them the better I seem to function....

yes... you all have a lot of wisdom and love to share. I'm glad this place is here for this. Gayle

[Anna Marta]

As my SIL's grandfather told him regarding his parents... sometimes 500 miles is not far enough away... ;)

[Yvonne]

I wouldn't take the afterthoughts as a bad thing--you're heart is still tender and functioning--a very good thing. Sounds like an early-warning system kicked in for you...things are working like they should to keep you safe :)

[ex-shep]

I wouldn't take the afterthoughts as a bad thing--you're heart is still tender and functioning--a very good thing. Sounds like an early-warning system kicked in for you...things are working like they should to keep you safe :)


Yvonne has a point. We former group members almost have sixth sense when it comes to danger. Anyone remember the robot in Lost in Space.

[Anna Marta]

Yvonne has a point. We former group members almost have sixth sense when it comes to danger. Anyone remember the robot in Lost in Space.

DANGER Will Smith DANGER!

Yep I remember. You do make me laugh :D

[Yvonne]

Lost In Space...those are memories ;)

You know, the hypersensitive alarm system is helpful, but it gets in the way sometimes. There are times I wish I just didn't clue in to things. One thing I can't do anymore is volunteer or work in the church office. I'm better off not getting too close to the pastors or church business and picking up on all the subtleties.

On the plus side, This sensitivity is helping me as a teacher--I clue in to a lot of things about my students very quickly. I'm pretty squirrelly with adults but it's helping me help my kids :)

We've learned--that makes us survivors.

[ex-shep]

Lost In Space...those are memories ;)

You know, the hypersensitive alarm system is helpful, but it gets in the way sometimes. There are times I wish I just didn't clue in to things. One thing I can't do anymore is volunteer or work in the church office. I'm better off not getting too close to the pastors or church business and picking up on all the subtleties.

On the plus side, This sensitivity is helping me as a teacher--I clue in to a lot of things about my students very quickly. I'm pretty squirrelly with adults but it's helping me help my kids :)

We've learned--that makes us survivors.


I have been there too. It can be a blessing and a curse at the same time.