"Please, don't like me!" ex-people pleaser

[Minni]

Have you ever felt that way after coming out of the church?
"Please, don't like me!" I guess I have to explain what I mean. I used to be, and guess I still am, to a certain degree a people pleaser. My view of myself has been on how people like me and what they think about me for years. When I left the church because of abuse, I lost my repurtation and people did not like me anymore. It was then I understood that I have built my world and security on what other people think about me. To a reaction to that, I am practicing to be more "rude" in that sense of putting boundaries, telling new people that I meet what I mean about certain issues, to make them not like me. Understand what I am saying? It is kind of like practicing the opposite of being "nice little girl.", but in an adult way. Ofcourse, I do not use nasty words or piss people off by bein rude, but just kind of say the opposite of what they mean, and wait for the reaction to come, to see if they like me or not regardless of what I mean. (This is just with relgious folks that I can meet in the store or something.) Anyone who recognize the need of being detoxing from being too nice and people-pleasing?
Minni

[dougjb]

Hi Minni,
I do not think that we have met before, so hello, and welcome to the forum. I am sure that most people, if not everyone, to varying degrees are afflicted with the people-pleasing thing. For my part anyway, it can be a cruel taskmaster. It sounds like you are tired of living vicariously through the options, perceptions, and expectations of the great anonymous majority. In other words, it appears that you desire to be who God made you to be and not the reflection of something else that you are not. It sounds like you are on the road to detoxing from the people pleasing thing and that is healthy.

dougjb
some food for thought

[luttrell03]

Have you ever felt that way after coming out of the church?
"Please, don't like me!" I guess I have to explain what I mean. I used to be, and guess I still am, to a certain degree a people pleaser. My view of myself has been on how people like me and what they think about me for years. When I left the church because of abuse, I lost my repurtation and people did not like me anymore. It was then I understood that I have built my world and security on what other people think about me. To a reaction to that, I am practicing to be more "rude" in that sense of putting boundaries, telling new people that I meet what I mean about certain issues, to make them not like me. Understand what I am saying? It is kind of like practicing the opposite of being "nice little girl.", but in an adult way. Ofcourse, I do not use nasty words or piss people off by bein rude, but just kind of say the opposite of what they mean, and wait for the reaction to come, to see if they like me or not regardless of what I mean. (This is just with relgious folks that I can meet in the store or something.) Anyone who recognize the need of being detoxing from being too nice and people-pleasing?
Minni

Uuuuh, I think I can relate. :rolleyes:
Since SA magnified things and also made me give more attention to the relational flaws in me, I was reminded again that I am a people pleaser.
To counter it, I try to also practice more, "speaking my mind" on issues, usually on those issues that I don't agree with from my former church. I need to come up with some other themes.
I still find myself often passively giving my right over out of fear of hurting others feelings, etc..

[Minni]

This is exactly what I mean. But if people get hurt because I am having another opinion, that is theirs problem. But for a people pleaser, everything is MY problem. It is like learning what is my problem and what is not, and also learning how to stand up for yourself and your own opinion. :)Uuuuh, I think I can relate. :rolleyes:
Since SA magnified things and also made me give more attention to the relational flaws in me, I was reminded again that I am a people pleaser.
To counter it, I try to also practice more, "speaking my mind" on issues, usually on those issues that I don't agree with from my former church. I need to come up with some other themes.
I still find myself often passively giving my right over out of fear of hurting others feelings, etc..

[ex-shep]

Minni,

Complements on your efforts to set boundaries. Just do not be too rude. Assertive is OK. It came back to bite me at work a few months back.
I have gotten by the concern of what people think of me. The tapes are hard to erase. I liked Garfield the Cat response: Big Fat Hairy Deal.

In any case, keep up the good work.