New To These Parts ;-)

[Yvonne]

Hi--I don't yet know the lay of the land, but I've been checking out the forum.

I've read the first book on spiritual abuse several years ago. It was right on target and very helpful. I've come a long way, but recent events show me just how far I still have left to go.

Around 2000-2004, I went through a pretty intense period of time rehashing this stuff. I saw lots of results, and I imagine that recent accomplishments probably came out of that. It came to an abupt stop because I had more urgent things to attend to.

I'm working in a school and that has been tremendously stressful. The work it hard, but managing the relationships and power sturctures have been the hardest. I'm interviewing again and I HATE invterviewing. I hate trying to sell myself. I hate the energy of trying to read the interviewers and figure out whether they are friend or foe. Several years ago, within the same ISD, I found myself under a manipulative boss who used my interview comments against me. Now, I'm on edge about anything I say.

That's what brought me here...I'm spiritually dry. I have been for years.
Today I came in contact with an old feeling that I just knew was at the core of things--it matched with how I feel sitting in an interview--it matched how I feel about having to fight with a doctor to get him/her to quit misdiagnosing me because of my weight. The feeling had to do with explaining something to someone who doesn't believe you--I've just quit fighting for myself or trying to explain myself because I don't feel I'm believed anyway. I tend to lay low or to withdraw when things are getting complex. It makes work and church very hard. When I want to expend the energy, I am very successful but I am so tired in so many ways so I don't do what I could.

I grew up in a home with alcoholic parents. I moved in with an emotionally and physically abusive relative who was very religious. The church didn't believe me when I told them about the physical abouse and other family members to this day do no believe me. I spent five years in a cult--and many more years after that trying to get out from under the belief structure.

So, I'm here hoping I can find an outlet and some interaction with people who understand the mess this all gets to be. I'm hoping that if I feel safe some place, then I can get to the place that I can work securely in my job and at church.

Thanks for listening...

[Timid]

So, I'm here hoping I can find an outlet and some interaction with people who understand the mess this all gets to be. I'm hoping that if I feel safe some place, then I can get to the place that I can work securely in my job and at church. ...

Hi Yvonne,

It wasn't very long ago that I found this forum. I was scared and hurt. Wasn't sure if I should trust anyone, and if I could who I could trust.

The people on this forum are wonderful. I have found it to be safe, the members here are encouraging and compassionate. It is a place you can take a deep breath and relax.

Welcome to the forums. Please, make yourself at home.

Timid

[simka2]

I'm very sorry for all the pain you have endured...past and present. Please know that you are welcome here...Being misunderstood...labeled...tricked and having are words used against us is MADDENING! Here listening...:)

[Yvonne]

Timid and simka2,

Thanks for the welcome :)

This seems like a good, kind place.

[Anna Marta]

Welcome to the forum Yvonne,

I can "touch" so much of what you expressed. I am sorry for the pain you have had in your life.

You wrote: "When I want to expend the energy, I am very successful but I am so tired in so many ways so I don't do what I could."

It sounds like you are a "survivor" who is tired right now and needs some refreshment from fellow survivors and strugglers

Job interviews are some of life's hardest and draining times - "selling myself" is one way to put it. I eventually had to look at it this way, getting a job is like a buying a shoe you really need - from a salesman you aren't sure you trust. The one you insisted on being so perfect hurts like heck when you try it on, so you keep trying on all of them. The one you had to wait for him to go back and get for you may fit better, but he takes too darn long to find it. God is the salesman and He can be very very slow, but for very very good reasons... each shoe we try teaches us something new about shoes and our needs.

The weight/misdiagnosis bias from a doctor or from people who judge us based on superficial things HURTS! For me the bias has to do with my diagnosis which contains the words "autoimmune, liver and cirrhosis" which leads people (and ignorant health professionals) to leap to the conclusion that I have an either and alcohol addiction problem - HIV - or a communicable liver disease, which I do not. The result of this bias has often been destructive. (BTW I have something called PBC)

The point I am trying to make Yvonne is, that although things feel overwhelming right now, you are not alone - many of us identify and we care and want to support you.

God bless
Anna Marta

[Minni]

Welcome to the Forum, Yvonne.
I am new here too, and for the first time, in a very long time, I met people with similar wounds as mine, and people who were willing to listen and give each other support. It seems to me that you have been through hell.
I guess most of us on this forum has. It is an awful thing when the people closest to you do not beleive what you are saying. You have experienced abuse in more than one level, that is for sure. Just NOT being believed is an abuse itself. This Forum is a safe place for me, where I can tell my thoughts and feelings without being rejected, but also meet people who are honest about their struggels and life, and people who have no need of playing a game or "give a good impression." Love Minni

[dougjb]

Hi Yvonne,
I want to welcome you to the forum. I believe that you will find that this forum to be a pretty safe place to be so you can share whatever is on your heart and mind. We do talk about a lot of different stuff so feel free to share.

dougjb
some food for thought

[Yvonne]

It sounds like you are a "survivor" who is tired right now and needs some refreshment from fellow survivors and strugglers

That sounds good to me right now. In my world, I don't know of any other survivors.

My first interview with the school district was easy--I'm good at putting myself out there if I have to. I spent 3 years working under a very manipulative principal--that is what spurred me on to get my teaching certification--I was practically teaching but at a quarter of the pay. The job was (and still is) very toxic. I stayed--employment with the district allowed me a choice of schools--didn't want to send kids to school in our zone. I tried to change jobs--principal did all kinds of things to sabotage it. I never was able to get on at another school even though I had max education, experience, and an exemplary performance review. I have found schools to be very dysfunctional environments. Lots of power plays, lots of egos. I know I'm supposed to be here but it is so very hard.

I'm actually working on my Masters in Educational Psychology so that I can be a secondary school counselor. I have to teach for three years and this is my first. The best part of my year was when students came to me about tough things. I got a reputation for being a "nurturer". Colleagues want to push me to elementary because if that, but I believe that teens need nurturers in their lives, especially in these times.

My first teaching assignment was definitely a God-thing. I had the very best principal to work for. She was very sensitive to my triggers and really emphasized that her job was to "grow" educators, not manage them. I so hate that I can't work for her anymore. This had to do with rezoning and her campus lost teacher allotments--it was nothing bad or personal. I was a last-hire so I'm first to go to another campus.

I interviewed Monday. I really liked the principal--he seemed to be a kind man. My kids had him as a teacher in high school--they loved him. I left thinking this might not be a bad place, but a day or so later, I kept getting stuck on the fact that his Instructional Specialist ran the interview. That is highly inappropriate and it gave me the sense that she ran the show and was used to running it. That was not a good sign.

What distressed me after-the-fact is that I still have to take time to think about these things to figure them out. I still see the good up front. If I have a trigger, I might sense it early but it takes me time to articulate it. That really costs me in the work world since others are much more aggressive and able to move in on opportunities (or back out of danger) much faster.

[Yvonne]

dougjb & Minni,

Thanks for the welcome. I like it here so far :)

I was a little scared at first, but I really need some sort of interaction or I get "jammed up inside my head" which prevents me from making good decisions. The "healthy" people in my life don't understand why triggers affect me or why I withdraw or need more time.

I'm pretty impressed. I've really gotten a lot from the posts I've read and folks seem to be very mature and thoughtful.

[ex-shep]

I love teaching. It is the politics which scared me from finishing my education. Add to that, the abuse of your former group and family of origins, things can be rather daunting. I had a situation at work with similar dynamics, so I can relate.

In any case, Welcome aboard. If you have not figured it out, this is a safe place. There is always somebody who can relate and has been there. With members all over the world, there is always somebody on line. As another poster said, make yourself at home. Virtual coffee pot is always brewing. Glad you are here.