Prayer and hope please

[hornblower]

I am going to quit my little job unless something major happens and I dont expect it too. My boss is an abuser and the rest of us are all her constant victims. Her husband being the main victim now and one of the other girls I work with is always fair game for everyone to pick on. She is a charismatic (as I used to be) and it hurts me to see these things happen to her. She is almost openly christian and so on it goes......this is the real world.
A lot of it is her own fault, she refuses to see reality and has bought the whole nine yards of spiritual blah blah blah.
Still I will always love the people that work there except for this boss. Ive tried so hard to work hard, to learn and be good and be savey and remember things.
Ive never been extremely sharp witted in the work place. Im not a pushy person. Not very good at self starting which seems to be the thing now days.
Its all very scarey for me to not have any income and be so dependent on my husband. We are getting older by the second. I fear for him that something might happen to his job and if it did there we would be in no time homeless as church mice.
Believe me Im sure church mice ARE homeless!
I have made some surprisingly good friends here at this store and I expect that to continue on although it will not be the same at all.
My gritch boss did one of her famously gritch numbers on me yesterday and I just blew. I didnt say anything but then I didnt need too, it was beyond obvious to everyone how I felt and what it meant.
So today I am sick again which is pretty much the way it has been for months and months. Ulcers and other stuff. I cant sleep. I cant rest. Knowing the thing that is facing me now. Ive never, ever had a good job in my whole life. I dont think I am a working type or something. People mean way too much to me. I cannot stand back stabbing and mean acting people and liars.
So all of this is like church again.
I have to write some kind of a two week notice, Im told. I want to just call and say asta la vista baby or gritch as this case is.
I knew I should have never been there in the first place. But then it was worth it maybe to get to know and love someone else again like I used to love people in churches.
I wish I could hear God speaking to me.
All I hear is anger and fear now.
Its finally hot down here in texas and so my pool has finally gotten warm enough for me to float around in. When I get in there all I do is cry. Huge guffaws of crying jags. This has been going on for awhile now.
Its like some kind of praying or something I think but maybe not, I dont know anything any more at all. If I ever did? In any case I have been praying and crying out a lot because I find this world intolerable.

Ive learned a lot here at this job. Ive learned you have to be tough, not soft, because the world wont put up with you for one tiny second. Ive learned I can win with Gods help, not by being strong but by being weak and letting Him be strong. I know I have brought love into this dark place.
Most of all I have learned I am not alone in my trials at all. There are a lot of people just like me out there everywhere there are loads of people that are hurting just like me but............they cover their pain up and push on and they are heroes.
All I want is to hear like Jesus did on that mountain, that I am His daughter and He is pleased with me.
I have always deeply needed to hear that from a parent. If somehow I knew that God cared for me this way, I think I could be healed in some ways.
I lack confidence in myself and I am so tired of doing that.

All I know is Im not taking it from her any more.
What is it when you always seem to know whats going to happen? I told my friends last week its almost over and here it is.

I dont know if I made that happen in some way (probably).....I knew I was pushing that old bags buttons but I just couldnt take it any more. All of that tension thats there, when she walks through the door.

Whatever it is whether I did it to myself in some way or I just knew it would come about........I have that inside of me some how. I had this counselor one time that gave me those tests, you know (Myers Briggs?) something like that, and I scored like off the charts in being intuitive. So there you have that huge prophetic ministry stuff hahaha.
Look guys nobodies home, its just me, another human being...like duh!
My charismatic friends would say I have back slidden all the way back to the garden of eden. I just did a bracelet by that name. You should see it, its beautimous! Thats what set the old bag off on me was my bracelet.
You know how that old snake is dont you? He just cannot resist that temptation to tempt and he has always been so completely jealous in every way, especially of EVE.

So ........ Im out of there!

Anna do you really think we are here for a reason? I sure hope you are right about this because I do feel that I am called or whatever you say it is to love others like me who have seen the light about churches.....and have suffered abuses..... Or as I prefer to call it, religions.
At this point I just hope I have some purpose for existing if only I could remember what my Lord told me.
He told me my one purpose of existing here was to get to know Him.
Thats always somehow sounded so right on to me. I hope I do know Him a little.
Please pray for me some peace of mind and some resting right now. I dont want this quitting thing to be a bad angry back slashing incident which it could end up being believe me. She bad mouths a lot of people.
Gritch!

Sorry I am so full of hatred for this person I know its bad but I need to be honest too, hope you understand.

[Timid]

All I want is to hear like Jesus did on that mountain, that I am His daughter and He is pleased with me.
I have always deeply needed to hear that from a parent. If somehow I knew that God cared for me this way, I think I could be healed in some ways.

Sorry I am so full of hatred for this person I know its bad but I need to be honest too, hope you understand.


Dear Hornblower,

I am so sorry you are going through this. My heart aches for you. It is difficult to have to deal with an abusive boss. I had to also for 2 and a half years. It makes life so miserable. If I could I would pluck you out of that situation, bring you to my place, surround you with love and let you heal.

If nothing else, I have learned that God does love us. No matter how people treat us, God loves us. He judges our hearts. He doesn't care if we comply with all of man's traditions. And your heart sounds so tender and beautiful. Again, I wish I could somehow lift you up and encourage you and let you know how precious your heart sounds even with this post you have written.

I don't see hatred in your post. I see someone who is deeply hurting. The one thing we don't do much, because we have learned not to let ourselves be vulnerable, is actually talk about how we feel. I am glad you are putting it in words. I think that alone will help you.

I want to encourage you to keep posting here as you feel comfortable enough to do so. You all have taught me this is a safe place to be able to express my hurts. Let us be the place you too can express those hurts.

I am praying for you Hornblower. I pray God will give you peace with whatever happens and will heal your bruised and battered heart.

Timid

[SueJean]

Oh my dear Hornblower, hugs, hugs, and more hugs, my dear lady. The few times that I've ventured here on to the site, you have written words of comfort and encouragement. As a result, I'm visiting more often...reading and rereading people's posts. I'm sharing more, asking more questions, and daring to learn more about me. Why? Because of people such as yourself, my dear lady, who have helped to blaze a trail of hope out of a dark tunnel. I am grateful for you.

[luttrell03]

I'm soo sorry what's been going on Hornblower and the incredible stress it's caused you, emotionally and physically. When we choose not to use the 'Power Tools' of the world we usually will bear the scares for it. I will pray and have to believe that God is using it to your benefit,,,for example how He uses you to help people on this forum. Thanks

[JaniceB]

My charismatic friends would say I have back slidden all the way back to the garden of eden. I just did a bracelet by that name. You should see it, its beautimous! Thats what set the old bag off on me was my bracelet.

I would love to see that bracelet. You do such beautiful work! :)

You are God's own well-loved daughter. He loves you just as much as He loves anyone else and that's a lot! I'm glad you quit that job because you don't need the pain. Now you can find something that will work better for you.

[Anna Marta]

Anna do you really think we are here for a reason? I sure hope you are right about this because I do feel that I am called or whatever you say it is to love others like me who have seen the light about churches.....and have suffered abuses..... Or as I prefer to call it, religions.
At this point I just hope I have some purpose for existing if only I could remember what my Lord told me.
He told me my one purpose of existing here was to get to know Him.
Thats always somehow sounded so right on to me. I hope I do know Him a little.
Please pray for me some peace of mind and some resting right now. I dont want this quitting thing to be a bad angry back slashing incident which it could end up being believe me. She bad mouths a lot of people.
Gritch!

Sorry I am so full of hatred for this person I know its bad but I need to be honest too, hope you understand.

(((((HB)))))

Do I believe it? You bet I do dear friend, you can bet your last pay check on it! Your life bears testimony to it, when you stop to recall your positive sides, that is... You are so darn hard on yourself.

I shall most certainly pray for your peace of mind... You do need rest, my dear, a good peaceful and refreshing rest. I will pray that you lay down and wake up with a clear mind and a feeling of well being in your body.

BTW, when it comes to the intuitiveness of MyersBriggs, here is a "catch" intuitive feeling people often get it wrong... they tend to intuit things in a deeply personal and get side tracked... and you are one big feeling gal. Your heart is as big as the state you live in!

Eventually I hope you will be able to not own problems that belong to others... (honestly you were not the cause of WWII :) I was! :D that's why we understand each other so well - ROFLOL)

This woman sounds like very unhappy lady. It's up to you to make your decision based on what will create and not destroy before you do leave. I have confidence in you to weigh your options.

Hatred? I don't believe you are even capable of raw hatred - your heart would rebel at it. You are you pissed off with this lady who is her own worst enemy and hurting others and that's healthy thing to be! You don't need to apologize for being angry or frustrated and letting off some steam.

You are loved regardless of whether you are pissy or cute or loving

Hugs and prayers coming your way
AM

Check out these if you feel you can.
Phil 4: 1-9 (Paul is talking to and encouraging his fellow workers)
1 Peter 3:8-12 (Peter is talking about the benefits of Godly living)

[Timid]

I wish I could hear God speaking to me.
All I want is to hear like Jesus did on that mountain, that I am His daughter and He is pleased with me.
I have always deeply needed to hear that from a parent. If somehow I knew that God cared for me this way, I think I could be healed in some ways.

I get much comfort from this song. Hope it helps you too Hornblower.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VU_rTX23V7Q&feature=related

Timid

[simka2]

Just sending good thought your way! you are valuable and amazing!!!!!

[hornblower]

Dearest forum ........Im so releaved to read all of these responses. Maybe I am loved? Not just by God but by some of you. What a wonderful church this is here. We couldnt find a better one if we tried. And most of us certainly DO try do we not?
I knew you guys were praying. I could feel it as I went though this and its not over as I didnt quit because my boss talked me out of it. She been nice but its very hard for her I can tell. She takes most of her venom out on her husband and maybe he deserves it, I dont know, but what a mess it all is to be around.
I dearly love my coworkers and they have made it more than plain to me that they feel almost the same about me which is a miracle to me.
Maybe there is a good reason to stay. Maybe.
All I really know is I love my art, and even though some people, like the new assistant manager at this bead store obviously loathes most of what I do, it doesnt matter to me in the least what people might think. Its mine all mine. Mine and Gods to play with down here while I wait for Him.
Thats what He showed me about it. Keep your hands busy the word says and that I certainly intend to do.
If you can imagine this I ended up giving my boss a massage after all of this happened.
I would have done anything to make things better for the two of them. I hate their fighting. Its none of my business but I do feel sorry for the man. Hes an alcoholic and she belittles him to the bone. She might be addicted to something like pain pills or something.

In the meantime my daughter is going to the church near our house and guess what? It has a 12 step program and recovery programs. Im trying to get the nerve up to start going there.
Course I work on Sundays but thats no big thing in my book anyway. Theres plenty to go too all week long.

Anyway Im still there and Im very sorry I didnt come back sooner Ive been very worn out and very busy. My 'd' uses the puter all of the time too. I love all of you.

[Jerry]

Bosses are not entitled to two weeks notice,,,,,,,,,,,,They don't give two weeks notice before a "Layoff" ...............

[Anna Marta]

Thanks for checking in HB. Prayers are always with you!

(((((((HB)))))))

Love
AM

[SueJean]

Dearest forum ........Im so releaved to read all of these responses. Maybe I am loved? Not just by God but by some of you. What a wonderful church this is here. We couldnt find a better one if we tried. And most of us certainly DO try do we not?
I knew you guys were praying. I could feel it as I went though this and its not over as I didnt quit because my boss talked me out of it. She been nice but its very hard for her I can tell. She takes most of her venom out on her husband and maybe he deserves it, I dont know, but what a mess it all is to be around.
I dearly love my coworkers and they have made it more than plain to me that they feel almost the same about me which is a miracle to me.
Maybe there is a good reason to stay. Maybe.
All I really know is I love my art, and even though some people, like the new assistant manager at this bead store obviously loathes most of what I do, it doesnt matter to me in the least what people might think. Its mine all mine. Mine and Gods to play with down here while I wait for Him.
Thats what He showed me about it. Keep your hands busy the word says and that I certainly intend to do.
If you can imagine this I ended up giving my boss a massage after all of this happened.
I would have done anything to make things better for the two of them. I hate their fighting. Its none of my business but I do feel sorry for the man. Hes an alcoholic and she belittles him to the bone. She might be addicted to something like pain pills or something.

In the meantime my daughter is going to the church near our house and guess what? It has a 12 step program and recovery programs. Im trying to get the nerve up to start going there.
Course I work on Sundays but thats no big thing in my book anyway. Theres plenty to go too all week long.

Anyway Im still there and Im very sorry I didnt come back sooner Ive been very worn out and very busy. My 'd' uses the puter all of the time too. I love all of you.
I encourage you to give the 12 Step program a visit. As a grateful recovery member of this wonderful organization, I know personally the many benefits that I'm receiving as a result of attending regularly. Just one benefit is that I want to be around people again. That's a biggie for me. The damage from the SA group was such that I isolated myself big time. Due to venturing to meetings here and there, I finally settled on four that I attend regularly. I'm slowly coming out of my shell. It's taken four years. I still have a way to go -- doing the same with Christians, especially women -- however, the process has begun and I'm grateful. Just thought that I'd share this with you in hopes that it may be of some value.

[hornblower]

Well today didnt go well as I had a coworker offer to take me for a medical procedure. My husband didnt want to take off of work so I decided it might be a good idea to give this person my trust and let her take me to this out of hospital thing I had to have done.
This lady is a right wing know it all.
Sorry all of you right wingers..........I dont want to offend here but right wing and texas???????????? omgosh........lol. Shes the one that made the comment that I ought to put my daughter on a leash.
In a word I really do hate this woman.
Hate..........thats a very ugly word and I know God wants me to love duh like everyone........yeah well I fail on so many levels.
Sue Jean I really am very scared to start trying to be in a group again even if its a 12 step group.
Its like anger is eating me up at times. Your post to me hits the mark about isolation. I get physically sick when I have to go to work and now it even kind of makes me sick when my husband comes home in the evening. I dont really want to be around anyone any more. I enjoyed my grandkids the last two days though. Why is it different when its children? Maybe this is how Michael Jackson felt? He was abused in his early years, is this what might be wrong with me?
They say nothing but 'blood suckers' were around him all of the time. Maybe thats because he needed people to be so kind that he didnt let anyone real around him any more? The kindness might have been nothing but people using him for his money?
Well anyway........Ive probably lost a friend one that I liked very much because she is a friend to this lady I cannot tolerate and tonight I told her on the phone how I really felt about this woman in a not so nice way.
This right wong lady was very mean to me after my failed operation (as usual). I was in pain and traumitised by the doctor and the nurse after all of the pain.
Have you ever been to a doctor and suffered a lot of pain from their procedures and have them on top of everything else get mad at you too? Well today I had had enough and it made me angry when that happened.
Somebody needs to train doctors better than that. So anyway I was emotional on the way home (angry at them) and dits brain let me have it. Not like she doesnt do it every chance she gets because she does. She is the other reason I wanted to quit there. I hate working with her.
So am I looking for annilation in the people dept again?
By the way Im not saying here that I am a huge Michael Jackson fan but for me it was sad that he was obviously so ill and no one could help him.
Isnt it weird that huge stars like that, really famous people, rich people, like Howard Hughes etc. can be so sick and its somehow ok with everybody???????
Whats up with that? Maybe its ok to be weird and kookoo? Or maybe the street people are ok if they live in great big houses with fun parks all around them.
This world is really wacko!
So? Maybe I fit right in there huh?
Sue Jean what if they kick me out of 12 steps? Can there be cliques there?

[hornblower]

Ty for prayers Anna me 2 for u always.............and Jerry good thoughts and most bosses stink!
Theres got to be some that are good somewhere somehow. My son is a boss. My husband is one. I surely do hope they are good and kind.
My boss knows shes mean. She has made the comment to all.........."I'm really not as mean as I seem to be."
Yeah right?
Give you a clue as to whats going on?
She gave 'cow' my wednesdays and that really sucks in my book.
But then Jerr Im not a 'sales' person you know what I mean? I enjoy helping people for real, not made up stuff. I get paid the same whether they are rich or poor.....but that doesnt settle too well with a lot of people.
What they dont know is my real boss is God Himself.
My real boss doesnt fire anyone.

[SueJean]

Hi Hornblower, Ohhh my dear dear lady. Hugs a bunch in abundance. I hear so much what you're saying. Oh, I get it. Hey, when you are ready. It's not about me and what is working for me...kinda, anyway. Some groups are better -- healthier :) -- than others for that matter. Ohhhh yes indeed. I'm taking life one day at a time. Some days are better than others and some days are "what just hit me!!!!" My oldest dau and I had words. She insists that I ought to be further along...the grief is old now. Not for me. I'm glad that she and her hubby are able to move along emotionally and spiritually. Her dad and I are having a much more difficult time. This is where, for me, the 12 Step program comes in. I attend; my hubby does not. He's just not ready at all, in the least. That's okay. It is what it is. No forcing. ugh, no! That's SA garbage stuff. Anyway, the 12 step meetings are for me recovering from my very dysfunctional family of origin. I haven't found any help in dealing with the SA stuff. Not yet, anyway. Ohhh, I'm going on way too long. I just wanted you to know that I soooo appreciate you. I'm sorry that you're hurting.

[hornblower]

Thanks Sue Jean. My 'd' called me today tyelling me of a meeting tonight at her new church but today Im not getting out.......too hot, too down about everything.
I think I ask too much out of life.
I deseperately want to bond with someone and have a loving relationship of some kind but nothing ever gets better, it only gets worse for me.
My husband loves me and I love him but he doesnt even know what bonding is. Thats fine but then youd think I could at least have a good friend but Nooooooooo .
I know my best friend should be Jesus. It used to be in the beginning but now I am very very lonely and Im mad about it too. Doesnt do any good to be mad but thats the way it is right now.
Thanks for writing back to me.
I wear people down and its especuially bothersome at work they are all so hard and mean. Like walking yapping stones. All any of them do is yap about one of their own. I have to play their game to survive but I hate them and myself now?
Reminds me of church again. I think its just people and the way it is.
Most people never look inside themselves and I always do, so Im alone because of that and GOOD! I want to be! Id rather be alone than be like them.

[SueJean]

Hey Hornblower, I was just thinking about you. One day at a time. Easy does it. How important is it? These are just some of the slogans that I'm learning to put into practice that I've received from the 12 Step program. Sometimes it's a slogan that helps me when I need ... ummm ... help. This next one is an acronymn: HALTSS. When I'm Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tires, Sick, or Sad, I need to stop, pause, halt what ever I'm doing. I find this to be extreemly beneficial. Hey, some days are better than others. I'm not attending service today as I'm working. I never thought that I'd see the day that I work on Sundays. That's changed since leaving the SA group. So much as changed. Ohhh, I'm getting teary-eyed. Hey, girl, easy does it! You're worth it.

[hornblower]

I work on Sundays too. Every Sunday! It doesnt bother me at all except I hate working with these people but then I think I just hate people.......so what can a girl do except pray which I dont do near enough of.
Thanks for the Hungry Angry Lonely Tired Sick or Sad thing. Ill try to remember it but however.......even if I stop what good does it do? Actually I think I do stop when I feel that way and then what?