effects of SA on marriages?

[simka2]

So I was wondering if anyone had some observations on how Spiritual Abuse has effected their marriage. I realize this can come from both those who were spiritual abused by their spouses...or those who escaped or are escaping it together.

I've begun to notice that there can be some tension betweem me and dh. We process thru grief at different stages...sometimes our fears play off each other. At first we were very united...but as we have progressed thru the cycles of grief we see things differently at different times.

Coming from an extremely controling church were the wife was supposed to be very submissive...follow where she was led...and never disagree with her spouse (these are blanket statements to illustrate :)) To realizeing that partnership is a healthy thing...has been interesting. Because I never was really good at not questioning...dh viewed me as somewhat of a threat...which I was to that system :) Now he treats me very very differently...this can be disorienting...especially as it's a new thing he's still learning so their are occasional lapses we have to work thru :)

Anyway...just wanted to hear about others experiences...

[Anna Marta]

Brutal, the effects of SA on a marriage can be brutal. :(

We considered ourselves pretty well adjusted with a good marriage. We were trained by a Christian Ministry in counseling and have been counseling couples who are in mixed cultural marriages for many years... That being said, when we got hit with SA - it was back to ground zero for us as our individual and personal instincts kicked in. :eek:

I don't know if others experienced it the same way, but in the beginning, my husband didn't recognize the abuse for what it was. I felt confused and began to question my mental capacities for a period of time. I seemed to be the only one who was feeling the effects of the pastor's behavior. It was a time for me of going back to the same kind of "alone-in-a-crowd" kind of lonliness I'd felt when I'd moved here many years ago. I was seeing and intrepreting events differently than those around me. I sensed I was being slowly isolated and manipulated because even with my education, experience, abilities and intelligence I started to feel old and inept (stupid actually) as well as socially incompetent. By the time my husband "got it" at the famous meeting we attended, I was in serious trouble emotionally and psychologically. I never fit into the submissive little woman role and came from a background where women were respected for their abilities and we had no idea we had stepped into anothe world where the rules applied unequally depending on who you were, or were married to.

He erupted into a state of anger I had never seen before. All the insecurities of childhood years raised their ugly heads and our house looked like an refugee camp for victims of war wounds. We were both walking wounded with lots of frustrations and anger. Even though were were not angry at each other, our communications were sharp and edgy, so it sure felt like the other was mad at you. We misunderstood and misinterpreted each other's verbal and nonverbal cues. Grieving is so different for each sex and personality style let alone for those who come from different cultures.

We had to work very hard and intentionally use all the skills we had taught others. Our reactions, decision making, emotional expressions, interactions with friends - just about everything was impacted and changed. In some ways it still is, we remain at different places in our recovery journey and react to different triggers.

I will admit that, although the process has been tough, (and it's not over) it has brought us closer. We learned to step back and have more compassion and empathy for each other when we realized how painful some of the hurts were and how deep were the roots of it. There is always more to learn about our spouse's deeper self and I believe that God allows wounds to surface as a result of certain situations so they can be recognized, dealt with and finally healed. That has been our experience, anyway.

Hope this made sense,
AM

[simka2]

that was really helpful! thankyou!!! it's nice to know I'm not alone and what were experiencing is pretty normal for what we've been thru :)

[ex-shep]

Shelly never had any experience with spiritual abuse with the exception of a couple of isolated incidents. When they occurred we talked through them.

Shelly can be too much of a follower; so my wife could be vulnerable. To counter it, I encourage her to share her thoughts and feelings. In a counseling situation, I sit silently until directed by the counselor.

I believe ICSA (International Cultic Studies Association), ReFocus, and Bill and Lorna Goldberg have resources on marriage in after the group experience. I know two officers in ReFocus who were married in their groups and walked out together.

Thanks for bringing up the topic. I will be interested to see what other posts arise.

[Gayle]

Regarding spiritual abuse I would have to say when I married I jumped out of the frying pan (growing up) into the fire. He was a loud hell/fire/brimstone kind of person while I grew up in a quieter, dropping hints or condemning others as examples h/f/b environment. In the fire it was easier to see how ignorant my ex husband was about spirituality even though he knew bible stories like the back of his hand (with his own interpretations). Sometimes it was just plain hilarious, ludicrous. I was afraid of him for physical abuse but inside I saw his immaturity - little boy wanna be big preacher guy. That was his childhood dream. We didn't have a chance to grow spiritually in our marriage. I was young and my naive "say yes to the man' switch was on auto and he wanted control in a very childish way. There was little or no discussion about individual views - I am the man in the house, I wear the pants and what I say goes - literally. Very silly isn't it. The marriage didn't have a chance.

[Timid]

I was so devastated by the SA. I went into a deep depression. I was hurting so bad. My family hated seeing me hurt like that, so when I needed to talk about it, they would change the subject. I took that as them not caring. I came within a week of leaving them. I didn't tell them I was going to leave. I made plans, never wrote anything down, never talked to anyone about it. Was just going to up and leave.

The only thing that stopped me was my hubby confronted me about it. He said, "You are planning to leave me aren't you". I was dumbfounded. I hadn't told anyone. I asked how he knew. He said he didn't know, just something inside him "knew". He asked me not to leave. That was two years ago. He has been wonderful. Helping me talk through things, supporting me, loving me. Encouraging me to keep moving through the SA. I am very blessed to have him in my life. I am glad he confronted me. I almost made the biggest mistake of my life by planning to leave him.

There are many more good days than bad days now. He showed me love that I couldn't comprehend. God has blessed me with a wonderful man.

[Anna Marta]

. My family hated seeing me hurt like that, so when I needed to talk about it, they would change the subject. I took that as them not caring.

Dear Timid,

I am bowled over by your description. Your family was reacting exactly the way so many of us do when we see someone in a painful situation. We back away or change the topic or even avoid the person - and "being THE hurting one" we interpret it as not caring or loving me anymore. In trying to love us and protect themselves everything gets out of kilter and the wall of silence only isolates.

I believe this is a universal reaction nearly all of us exhibit at one time or another without realizing the impact on someone. We isolate a hurting person, (which is a kind of torture), at the time they most need someone to gently push through and acknowledge our pain and listen, listen, listen without comments or solutions or judgments.

With SA it can be so complicated, IMO because although everyone is in the same church milieu, not everyone is being abused. And only those who are very strong dare to reach out.

I know from experience that it is a devestating place to be. I have been there more than once. It happened to me also when I was diagnosed with a very serious illness too.

This is a really good thread. It helps to share things.
AM

[Reg]

simka2,

Yes, it affected my marriage a lot. It resulted in a divorce.

Here is what I wrote about it on a mailing list I was on in those days.


An Example of Spiritual Abuse

Date: Thu, 01 Aug 1996 00:28:40 -0400

Hi all WCGnetters,

There has been a lot of talk about spiritual abuse in a generic way. Not much substance that one can sink ones teeth into & grasp emotionally. I'm sure many of us have our (horror) stories. Some I know are too personal or terrible, they cannot be told in such a public forum.

Well, I thought I would give you a real personal example that may help some of you who don't see or don't fully grasp the significance of the devastating affects spiritual abuse can have.

In 1986 my wife and I were visited by a minister who told us we were not with it spiritually and were not contributing to the church.

This was an unsolicited visit by a minister my wife couldn't stomach. She was a quality lady & artistically talented. This minister was somewhat obese & (obnoxious) offensive to my wife. She told me she never wanted him in our house again. He repulsed her.

I on the other hand felt she was in a bad attitude & shouldn't be so critical of a minister of Jesus Christ. Well, you can imagine the damage that visit caused in our marriage. We were married for less than three years at the time and still adjusting.

Ever since that visit, our marriage degenerated. I'm not saying that was the only reason but it put up a barrier between us. Me defending the ministry and the church in my sense of loyalty and being insensitive to how my wife felt about the minister and the church. She saw a lot of things that I didn't see & increasingly found it harder to attend services & be around church people and that minister. She saw a lot of the hypocrisy & judging that was going around in those days & attended because of me insisting she go. I wanted to be loyal. I was told by this and another minister it was my responsibility to lead my wife spiritually.

In December 1987, my wife left me and the church. She couldn't stand the pressure any longer. Other things also entered in. I have often wondered if she would still be around if we had married later, in the times we enjoy now in our N.C. understanding. I believe she had to leave me & the church together as a unit as if she couldn't leave one without leaving the other. The Worldwide Church of God (WCG) was the ONLY church to me in those days & being disrespectful to it & its ministers, not to mention leaving it was unthinkable.

BTW, she was right about that minister & the things she observed. I didn't see it until much later. At another counseling I mentioned I left the church to work out some problems for a little while. He told me that if it was him he would have to seriously question his conversion & Christianity. That affected me very deeply. I was shaken. There was no encouragement or an effort to understand, just a hard cold critical statement. SPIRITUAL ABUSE? You want to believe it.

OH, one more thing. As far as I know he(they) are still in the WCG (sic).

Reg

[Anna Marta]

Reg,

You are a man I respect a great deal! Thank you for sharing your story. I can feel the pain behind the words. May you be blessed as your life continues to unfold.

AM

[ex-shep]

Reg,

You are a man I respect a great deal! Thank you for sharing your story. I can feel the pain behind the words. May you be blessed as your life continues to unfold.

AM


That is a typical scenario. The women usually are the first to smell a rat a leave. My wife is glad she met years after my group experiences. She would never married me, let alone date me. I share with AM's encouragement.

[Jerry]

When we left our Church,my wife was really depressed.To cheer her spirit I thought to buy her a gift,,,so I stopped in at a jewelry store...I got her a beautiful "Mood" ring . I'll be darned if that didn't do the trick.The ring is 18K Gold set with a 12K multi colored stone.....Very impressive.Funny thing is that ring really does communicate her mood.When my sweetie is in a good mood , the ring turns a beautiful shade of green.....When my sweetie isn't feeling up to par ,I get these huge red bumps all over my head :D

:D Love Jerry :D

[Anna Marta]

So that's what wrong Jerry! All that head banging will get to a guy after awhile.. :cool: Probably why Steinar gave me a tiny little trinket... :rolleyes: