SA, PTSD...how to move on?

[simka2]

Waking up to SA was a very tramatic event for me. I lost just about everything. I know that some of you relate to this...somewhere along the way it was suggested that I was struggling with PTSD or event trauma. I believe this to be true...one of the symptoms is anxiety.

I really struggle with this...almost 2 years later and the anxiety is still pretty intense. It's more generalized now...but it haunts my steps...and I don't like it :(

I've really begun to see this take a toll on my health...I used to be very health oriented...now I just want to avoid feeling anxious...which usually means I eat alot and sleep alot. Then I gain weight...and feel more anxious...after all a "good" wife is required to look beautiful for her dh if she really loves him and shouldn't be surprised if he lusts after other if she doesn't (twisted concept by sa pastor)

I just wanted to see what others have struggled with in regards to ptsd and anxiety...have you found any good coping skills...things like that?

[Anna Marta]

You are singing my song - again. :( The avoidance of anxiety and turning to food or sleep to assuage the feelings... the weight gain... oh yeessssss.

I am trying to work out if what I did was specifically to cope or did time do its job and finally I was able to attend to something else...

Thanks for bringing this up. It gives me somthing to think about as I lay my head on the pillow this night.

hugs
AM

[Gayle]

Waking up to SA was a very tramatic event for me. I lost just about everything. I know that some of you relate to this...somewhere along the way it was suggested that I was struggling with PTSD or event trauma. I believe this to be true...one of the symptoms is anxiety.

I really struggle with this...almost 2 years later and the anxiety is still pretty intense. It's more generalized now...but it haunts my steps...and I don't like it :(

I've really begun to see this take a toll on my health...I used to be very health oriented...now I just want to avoid feeling anxious...which usually means I eat alot and sleep alot. Then I gain weight...and feel more anxious...after all a "good" wife is required to look beautiful for her dh if she really loves him and shouldn't be surprised if he lusts after other if she doesn't (twisted concept by sa pastor)

I just wanted to see what others have struggled with in regards to ptsd and anxiety...have you found any good coping skills...things like that?

PTSD and trauma - I still experience PSTD and occasional trauma from other situations than in the When People left thread......not able to process things as I once did, less organized, less able to deal with stress. I found I had to stop trying to do as much, so I don't commit to nearly as many activities, and try not to worry as much about not being able to perform. No more speaking in public, teaching SS classes or even attending church. No more large group activities. My mind feels blank at times and not able to remember events with as much clarity as I used to - sometimes not at all. I try to remember this can be part of aging, a new season in life - why should the abuse get all the credit??? Maybe its a cabinet shuffle in the old filing cabinet. Some things just have to go. I don't remember the abuse with as much clarity as I used to either - don't mind that part at all. :)

[luttrell03]

Waking up to SA was a very tramatic event for me. I lost just about everything. I know that some of you relate to this...somewhere along the way it was suggested that I was struggling with PTSD or event trauma. I believe this to be true...one of the symptoms is anxiety.

I really struggle with this...almost 2 years later and the anxiety is still pretty intense. It's more generalized now...but it haunts my steps...and I don't like it :(

I've really begun to see this take a toll on my health...I used to be very health oriented...now I just want to avoid feeling anxious...which usually means I eat alot and sleep alot. Then I gain weight...and feel more anxious...after all a "good" wife is required to look beautiful for her dh if she really loves him and shouldn't be surprised if he lusts after other if she doesn't (twisted concept by sa pastor)

I just wanted to see what others have struggled with in regards to ptsd and anxiety...have you found any good coping skills...things like that?

I think PTSD and anxiety are quite common in SA or any form of abuse. It is an emotionally draining event when you consider the loss and shame involved in many areas of life.
Initially after the conflict I got Tinnitus which is a 24 hour a day loud ringing in the ears. It's usually associated with hearing damage but I'm also convinced that mine was also anxiety related. It is known to sometimes have a psychological connection.
Getting that also felt like a loss since I am a musician and have avoided any loud music since getting it. I decided then to go 'acoustic' so that I could continue playing.

As I mentioned earlier I am convinced that I experienced some kind of panick attacks in the nights during the first few months after the church conflict. I would suddenly sit up in bed feeling like I was suffocating. Very strange feeling.

Weird thing is,,I have for years suffered from Winter Depression (seasonal effective disorder) yet the last winter, right after getting out of the church was probably one of my most mild and easy winters. Go figure?

One of the greatest struggles for me that I'm sure is also anxiety related is identity issues which has led to a lot of social avoidance. This struggle is not surprising when you've put your whole life and identity into a ministry instead of a Person. There has been a lot of confusion and anxiety in the rebuilding of my life and thinking.

What has seemed to help me most is just being able to talk things through. Since anxiety stems from fear. I think this helps to dispell the fear through identifying the problem and the accompaning emotions that go with it well.
I've been my whole life into sports but during the SA I kind of didn't care anymore about my health. In fact I didn't even care if I killed myself slowly by eating unhealthy foods.........so I started to get real out of shape, resigned myself to TV and got fatter.

Since then I've joined a badminton club here and play twice a week just to sweat and to hit that shuttle bird real hard;). I also bought a used bike for about $60 to ride around the city.
The bike riding helped tremedously. It's mind destracting and gives me the sense of freedom as I zipp through the city.
Also, slowly coming to the realization that it does hurt, but it was actually God's mercy that got me out of that place,,,,has a psychological release valve to it.
That's just my personal experience.

[analyzer]

I also bought a used bike for about $60 to ride around the city. The bike riding helped tremedously. It's mind destracting and gives me the sense of freedom as I zipp through the city.

Let's go for I bike ride !

[Anna Marta]

....not able to process things as I once did, less organized, less able to deal with stress. I found I had to stop trying to do as much, so I don't commit to nearly as many activities, and try not to worry as much about not being able to perform. No more speaking in public, teaching SS classes or even attending church. No more large group activities. My mind feels blank at times and not able to remember events with as much clarity as I used to - sometimes not at all. I try to remember this can be part of aging, a new season in life - why should the abuse get all the credit??? Maybe its a cabinet shuffle in the old filing cabinet. Some things just have to go. I don't remember the abuse with as much clarity as I used to either - don't mind that part at all. :)

Yep, I can sign on with you too Gayle. It frankly scared me that I had so many psychologically nutty things happening to me. I have always been a fun loving extrovert and was transformed into a quivering isolated introverted mess who didn't even recognize myself. It was frightening!

After several years out, I now find that I beginning to have a desire to check back into life in the public arena, not ready for a church yet. I signed up and took a course this past winter and greatly enjoyed meeting new people - I was so dreading going and filled with huge anxiety and performance fears that I started finding excuses not to go a few days before it started. I put on my big girl pants (the ones with the plastic liners) and stepped out into the unknown. I actually had a good time! :) And I learned something new! In that environment I could decide how much contact I wanted with others and set pretty strong boundaries. Will go again in the fall and see what happens.

I also went to a home party with my neighbor to a place where I did not know a soul who was there. Man, was I proud of myself for that one! I was relatively quiet (for me) but did manage to have fun and related to some of the other women. I again realized I am not the same person I used to be.

I also ask myself the same kinds of questions - is it because I am aging, is it this disease beginning to worsen, is it because I am forever different?

Love
AM

[simka2]

I bought a bike too!!! I've just found it a bit difficult to get a ride in with 4 kids one of which I pull in a little trailer. But we live near a lake with great trails and hope to do a lot more :)

How about the depression aspects? I told my dh that it feels strange...shutting down...but I do it.

Not to be to discriptive...when I was in labor with child one somehow I was able to stop my labor in an attempt to avoid pain...granted we didn't figure this out till 21 hrs later they gave me an epidural and I delivered my daughter in 15 min.

Second delivery was twins...so the epidural we decided was automatic...and again delivered in about 15 from the point it took effect...much to my drs dismay!

third delivery we had learned so epidural was again automatic...but it only took effect on half my body...so again no labor. 2 hrs later when they got it fixed...my fourth child was again born in about 15 min.

I've begun to wonder if I do something similar...when there's pain I just shut down...and I'm really struggling not to. I actually struggle with this the most when I'm alone. When I'm with people I have distraction...but alone I just want to sleep :(

[luttrell03]

Yep, I can sign on with you too Gayle. It frankly scared me that I had so many psychologically nutty things happening to me. I have always been a fun loving extrovert and was transformed into a quivering isolated introverted mess who didn't even recognize myself. It was frightening!

After several years out, I now find that I beginning to have a desire to check back into life in the public arena, not ready for a church yet. I signed up and took a course this past winter and greatly enjoyed meeting new people - I was so dreading going and filled with huge anxiety and performance fears that I started finding excuses not to go a few days before it started. I put on my big girl pants (the ones with the plastic liners) and stepped out into the unknown. I actually had a good time! :) And I learned something new! In that environment I could decide how much contact I wanted with others and set pretty strong boundaries. Will go again in the fall and see what happens.

I also went to a home party with my neighbor to a place where I did not know a soul who was there. Man, was I proud of myself for that one! I was relatively quiet (for me) but did manage to have fun and related to some of the other women. I again realized I am not the same person I used to be.

I also ask myself the same kinds of questions - is it because I am aging, is it this disease beginning to worsen, is it because I am forever different?

Love
AM

I can relate. Sometimes I wonder what I am becoming post SA now that everything is so different than it has been for the last 17 years and I put soo much of my identity in the ministry. I wonder if I'm going more towards the Lord or going more away from Him.....although I know He's always close.

Tonight though was showing signs of improvemnt. I went out after badminton with the group to a restaurant just to hang out and chat in Viennese. I really came out of my shell a bit, the one that seems to really become harder and crustier as a result of being alone alot through the week. I had a good time. I think its important to participate in activities that get the mind off of circular thinking,,,you know the kind that never finds an answer.
I also find that when I'm too much alone that my brain becomes bored so it decides to climb on the endless thinking treadmill.

As far as how you're feeling AM sometimes I can also understand in my own experience. Just for your encouragement, my wife told me that she's read a few of your comments and they've brought her to tears. So, I guess some of that change you're talking about has brought forth some good stuff that others benefit from.

[Jerry]

I just wanted to see what others have struggled with in regards to ptsd and anxiety...have you found any good coping skills...things like that?


The best thing I found for this is "TIME" ......I can hear ya now,,,,,"Gee thanks a pant load !!!!" but it is the only thing that really worked for me :( ....Thats a problem for all of us,We all got "Broken Copers" :)

Love Jerry