Today's my b'day

[SueJean]

Difficult week. This weekend is the SA women's retreat. :( sigh. Around or on my b'day every year. It will be four yrs this memorial weekend that I refused to return to that building after being part of that group for fifteen yrs. They became my family as well as my friends.
I'm just feeling sad.
I am grateful that my husband along with all of our children got out of that SA group. So, they'll all be here to celebrate my as well as my wonderful mom-in-law's b'days.
I just want to cry. I've tried explaining to others how painful this feels. It's not that it's my b'day...it's that is was connected to that retreat from Hades for so long. I thought that these people really cared about me and my family. Silly me.
I know. I can't expect to receive from others when I certainly haven't made any real effort to be a friend. I get that. :( It doesn't make my pain feel any less painful.
I'm actually a fun lady...that's what I've been told anyway. I enjoy laughing and having fun and hearing other people laugh.
I miss the commarody...ohhh, how is that word spelled? sigh. The cards, the gifts, the singing happy b'day to you! I miss it. I do. does that make me selfish?
These people WERE my family; they WERE my friends.
It's my b'day and I couldn't think of anyone to even go out and have a cup of tea with or go for a walk in spite of the temperature change here in Pittsburgh, PA.
It's my b'day and it's chilly. dumb. Now, we have to have the party inside. dumb.
I'm going to cry.
Am I making any sense what so ever??? Or, am I coming across as just some spoiled woman who just needs to get over this and start all over again with trusting new women? How do I even begin??? I'm in tears. Where do I begin? Just do it????? Scary. My best friend since jr. high school even sided w/ the SA over me. Ohhhhh, the pain.
On my good days, I have a better understanding. Can't place expectations onto people for they become resentments. Ohhh yes. I get that...on my good days.
This week has not been good days! Nope. Nada. No way even close. Sorry.
Gotta go. Family will be arriving in a couple of hours. At least they still love me in spite of myself.

[dougjb]

Hi SueJean,

First of all I want to say, Happy Birthday
I know that we are in a virual world here, but I would like to be a new friend and celebrate your birthday with you in cyberspace. I am sure that there a more people here who like to celebrate your birthday with you.

dougjb
some food for thought

[beginagainrose]

happy birthday to youuuuuuuuu
happy birtHday to youuuuuuuu
happy birthdayyyyyy, dear suejeannnnnnnnnn
haaaaappppyyyyy birthday toooooooo
youuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!
And manyyyyy
moreeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!

[beginagainrose]

(ok... I tried to get this to print in red and I couldnt make it work right, so ya just gotta see it red!)

Honestly, I SO have had such similar feelings and it actually helped me to hear you articulate the same feelings! THANK YOU! Loosing every friend I had made in 20 years was beyond excruciating!... Grace, grace be upon you, SueJean, and may you have a very lovely day even as I write this!
(((((((((((((((((((((((SueJean!))))))))))))))))))) ))))))))):)

[simka2]

Wanted to wish you a belated B-day as well!!!! It's kinda nice to know that I'm not the only one who really struggles with this day :) But I am very sorry for all the loss you have excperienced :( Hope there was some good points as well!!!!

[simka2]

Just realized I'm completely off by a day in my head!!!!!

[SueJean]

(ok... I tried to get this to print in red and I couldnt make it work right, so ya just gotta see it red!)

Honestly, I SO have had such similar feelings and it actually helped me to hear you articulate the same feelings! THANK YOU! Loosing every friend I had made in 20 years was beyond excruciating!... Grace, grace be upon you, SueJean, and may you have a very lovely day even as I write this!
(((((((((((((((((((((((SueJean!))))))))))))))))))) ))))))))):)

Awwwww, thank yinz guys soooooo much :) :D
My babies and grandbabies were all here. My mom-in-law was here--she turned 95 May 14 and is still going and going and....!!! She's a blessing.

My hubby had to leave for a business trip. He'll be gone 'til Thursday night. I'm working at an election polling place May 19. It's a paid position. That's okay w/ me. I'll attend some 12 step meetings...maybe midweek service. I'm babysitting May 20 for my oldest daughter. Her 3rd baby is due June 9. Come to Noni my cutie lamby grandchild! Ohhh, I can hardly wait to hold this child.
I'm drinking Sleepy Time tea to help me to unwind and mellow out. Then, bedtime...read a few pages of The Shack (fourth reading) and probably cry myself to sleep.
Hey, yinz guys, will this ever feel better or less or something other than this dreadful, painful pain?

[Jerry]

kick out the jambs !!!!!! It's suejeans birthday !!!!!!!

[SueJean]

kick out the jambs !!!!!! It's suejeans birthday !!!!!!!

Thank you sooooooo much. Sixty is a nice, round number. The gray is coming in nicely in my hair; so, no more hair coloring. My grandchildren love me as I them. They're my idea of sugar and I can't get enough.

[hornblower]

Happy Birthday Sue Jean! Know this God was there watching you be born. He really made you and He rejoices every single day that you are here and breathing and every single tear He sees and grieves with you every time. We are loved whether we feel it or nopt whether anyone knows us loves us likes us and I know you know all of this but its good for me to even say it constantly to myself. My birthday this year was like all of my others NADA! No gifts. One small tiny party not on my day, it never is for some reason, and its my dear son who always makes an effort for everyone, bless him. This year nothing was said at work where they give parties for everyone else but no one evidently payed much attention when I had told them when my birthday was. The place is filled with bitterness. I know I am liked by some. Ive done nothing to anyone to get them to hate me but its the way it is anyway. Just like church! People are people and they are always only thinking mostly of themselves.
What all of this this year has said to me is to make everyone elses birthday as happy as I can whether I want too or not they deserve a happy sweet thing said for them done for thjem whatever it is????? Is that not true? Because in the end God loves them as much as He loves you and I. Im talking too much but as you can see this birthday thing is and probably always will be my sore spot. My birthday and my anniversary and Christmas and all of it. We women really do yuk all of this stuff up dont we, heck it all, it hurts and thats the way it is, and oh I forgot Mothers Day.

I am praying for you Sue Jean as I have prayed for myself that God Himself will make it special for you. God is the one that always really and trully does care and as you can see I dont know how to spell either.
I love you and remember you Sue Jean! Im so glad you are here and were born!

[hornblower]

(ok... I tried to get this to print in red and I couldnt make it work right, so ya just gotta see it red!)

Honestly, I SO have had such similar feelings and it actually helped me to hear you articulate the same feelings! THANK YOU! Loosing every friend I had made in 20 years was beyond excruciating!... Grace, grace be upon you, SueJean, and may you have a very lovely day even as I write this!
(((((((((((((((((((((((SueJean!))))))))))))))))))) ))))))))):)


Hi beginagain you go up to the little A that has a line underneath it and click on the drop down menu and pick the color. I love pink and lilac the most, haha, its the same way on everything also the size is up there too. Highlight your post or the sentence first or whatever you want to highlight.

[beginagainrose]

Thanks, HB... I did that; saw the little bracket with the C for color and everything... twice... musta been a puter glich of some kind... ah, well.

SJ... I do hope it was a great day even though my greeting was in black!:D:rolleyes:

[SueJean]

Happy Birthday Sue Jean! Know this God was there watching you be born. He really made you and He rejoices every single day that you are here and breathing and every single tear He sees and grieves with you every time. We are loved whether we feel it or nopt whether anyone knows us loves us likes us and I know you know all of this but its good for me to even say it constantly to myself. My birthday this year was like all of my others NADA! No gifts. One small tiny party not on my day, it never is for some reason, and its my dear son who always makes an effort for everyone, bless him. This year nothing was said at work where they give parties for everyone else but no one evidently payed much attention when I had told them when my birthday was. The place is filled with bitterness. I know I am liked by some. Ive done nothing to anyone to get them to hate me but its the way it is anyway. Just like church! People are people and they are always only thinking mostly of themselves.
What all of this this year has said to me is to make everyone elses birthday as happy as I can whether I want too or not they deserve a happy sweet thing said for them done for thjem whatever it is????? Is that not true? Because in the end God loves them as much as He loves you and I. Im talking too much but as you can see this birthday thing is and probably always will be my sore spot. My birthday and my anniversary and Christmas and all of it. We women really do yuk all of this stuff up dont we, heck it all, it hurts and thats the way it is, and oh I forgot Mothers Day.

I am praying for you Sue Jean as I have prayed for myself that God Himself will make it special for you. God is the one that always really and trully does care and as you can see I dont know how to spell either.
I love you and remember you Sue Jean! Im so glad you are here and were born!
Thank you soooo much for your thoughtful and heartfelt reply. i'll chew on this...sigh...long winter--my two daughters-in-law suffered miscarriages & I think that I'm taking it harder than I originally thought. I'm probably feeling ultra-sensative.

[JaniceB]

Am I making any sense what so ever??? Or, am I coming across as just some spoiled woman who just needs to get over this and start all over again with trusting new women? How do I even begin??? I'm in tears. Where do I begin? Just do it????? Scary. My best friend since jr. high school even sided w/ the SA over me.

You are making total sense and I don't believe you're spoiled. People just don't get it unless they've been close to it. My husband has taken years to realize what it was like for me.

Trusting again is really hard and you have to take it slowly. Learn to trust yourself and trust a few of us who are pretty much anonymous on this web site. Don't try to make it happen because it won't.

Just the fact that these memories and yearnings for people who hurt you are making you cry tells me that you've been hurt badly, not that you are spoiled.

[SueJean]

You are making total sense and I don't believe you're spoiled. People just don't get it unless they've been close to it. My husband has taken years to realize what it was like for me.

Trusting again is really hard and you have to take it slowly. Learn to trust yourself and trust a few of us who are pretty much anonymous on this web site. Don't try to make it happen because it won't.

Just the fact that these memories and yearnings for people who hurt you are making you cry tells me that you've been hurt badly, not that you are spoiled.
Ohhh, JaniceB, thank you sooooo much. I'm so uncertain...feel so uncertain regarding my thoughts, motives, emotions. sigh. Sometimes, i think toooooo much. Trust is growing slowly. The 12 step people have been quite helpful as well as understanding. My hubby and I attend services because two out of four children go there and we get to see the grandchildren :) Nursery service, for ex. And, then we all get together following service to go to my mom-in-law's and we can really enjoy them!

Hugs a bunch.