Help for fear.......

[hornblower]

I dont understand why I suffer with so much fear these days but its seems to be getting worse. How do you all deal with it? I sort of cry and pray to God and then try to be honest with someone, and/or have a cry, at times anyway.
Tonight again its about my daughter. My husband and I are hiding in our room with the door locked. She calls and brings to our door people we dont know and are very questionable. ITs very scarey to me. I want to run away and hide when she does this. Is that ordinary or is that bizarre that I feel that way?
I dont know if this is the right forum for this topic but in the old days when I was always in church I was hardly ever afraid of people. I dont know if it was the attack on her or the fact that she has scizophrenia and she invades our privacy so much, no boundaries at all with her. She never does my rules no matter what I say or do.
She on the other hand has no fear of anything at all and this is exactly what scares me beyond words.
This city is not a particularly safe place not that any place is.
Its a joke to me that someone in the know, dont remember where I heard this but I used to try to do it, it only always made everything worse because its too real to go over it.........the idea is to think of the worst possible thing that can happen as if it wont be so bad right?
The worst thing is she could be murdered and so could we. Or we could have our identity stolen and become destitute.
My or rather her little dog is in the back which is the way she comes home, if she does come home, guarding the back door faithfully waiting on her and he barked his little head off when she let this person that none of us knows in here.
My husband never meets these men or does anything about anything at all he just goes to bed while I on the other hand am restless and when I try to close my eyes I see knives cutting me. I cannot sleep at all. I have told her many times how all of this affects me, she could care less.
Is this the way women meet men now? Just anywhere? Bars? Stores? Who knows where? Its like she is asking for trouble and she has brought them home to us and believe me its always bad trouble. She always pays for everything. I dont have to tell you what that looks like do I?
Or am I old?
Well I am old I know. But with age comes experiences and Ive had more than a few.
Its now I miss a real church, the kind I always wanted to have.. I should be able to call someone and have them care a little bit, enough to at least help me pray. Isnt that what the new believers did?
I feel so terribly alone and forgotten.
So maybe you think I am silly. I have lived with this trial for years and years. The first time she drove a car she ended up in north dallas thats the other side of the city from me, way over an hour away, in a vietnamese grocery where no one spoke one word of english. I think it took over three hours to get her home.........one time she drove off a bridge..the police called that time........shes been arrested and put in jail for making a scene where she had gotten fired. One night she was drunk and sick and didnt know where she was at........another night she was being driven down dark alleys screaming at this man to get her out of there.......
Ive had a hard day today it wasnt altogether bad but its hard right now. Im so sorry for coming here again and burdening anyone with this. I honestly am.
I want to feel safe and loved and secure and know that God is watching and caring for me and my family but..........that feeling is long ago. I lost it the night she was attacked in that church and things only went from bad to worse with the way we were all treated.
One day I had faith and the next I was a train wreck.
That was the first thing my husband said to me.
"All you did was talk about faith and where is your faith now?"
I never meant to be a person that was putting anyone down about faith but maybe it seemed that way, I sure cant ever be accused of it now can I?
I know God showed up for me at one time. But I dont know when He will the next time? I dont think I doubt God I think I doubt myself. I dont have courage. Doesnt God want you to have courage? 'Be courageous' the word says.
You know what courage is for me? To keep going. Thats all I can do. I dont do it well at all I just do it. I tell myself in tthe morning........I hate getting up I dont want to get up because who knows how bad things are going to be today?
BUT? I get up anyway. I put one foot down and then the next. I dont want to wear any make up but then I think put on the mask so nobody will see whats really happening. Dont quit keep on going. Its not going to last much longer this life and I do love them my family even though I think Im going to die from them. I feel like the awful people on my job are going to be the last of me. I hurt so much I often think I cannot go on but I just shake it off and keep on going. Im talking physically not even the emotional stuff.
anyway enough of me tonight thanks for tuning in.......drone on whine on thats what my coworkers would say about me. Nobody wants to hear this crap and I hate it too. I wish I could find a bicycle like the one I had when I was a kid. My, my, how I could fly down those hills, all day long. A lady almost as old as me was at the park the other day riding a little bike like that and she was fat like me too but dark tan from riding like that. Wind guishing all around her.........HI she said real loud like........I loved it! I wish that was me.
I wish I had a good bike not expensive but a big comfortable seat the way they used to make bikes not these painful assinine things!
Poor dog. He loves my daughter and he is so loyal, hes as old as me.
Today I told some ladies my thumbs hurt from operating the remote so much from playing mahjong like forever......rude b's said I wouldnt admit to that if I were you!.
Yeah well maybe she should hear what else some people should admit too. I can think of worse things I could be doing. It takes my mind off all of the crap and occupies it. its not porno for Gods sake! Or pot or cocaine. Its not that margarita I wanted tonight but didnt drink because of my ulcers.....
Ulcers are not caused by stress my doctor insists.......hmmmmmmm

[simka2]

Your not burdening me by coming here with this!!! First I wanted you to know that I read you whole post...and wow!!!! Your going thru a lot right now. I used to live in the south dallas area and I completely understand your fears...I gained so much weight because I was afraid to leave my apartment without my husband :)

I'm not sure what happenend to your daughter...but it sounds like she was attacked in a church...and this has directly affected your ability to take comfort in your faith! This is very understandable!!!!! and again I relate...

For about a year I had to deal with the real threat of a stalking pastor!!!! It was so bad that I would have nightmares about this big giant monster barreling down on me. I can't tell you how many times I ahd panic attacks. I began to ask God...in a very spiritual sense (unchurchy God) to please show me His protection. See I knew cognitvely that He was protecting me...but I needed to see it. Psychologists call it visualization...maybe it was my imagination...but it helped! When the big monster would come at me and I would feel panicky I began to picture God as this mighty Angel with titanium wings...He would wrap His wings around me and no matter what the monster threw at me he couldn't get through Gods wings!!!

I'm sorry your having to deal with this! I don't know how you would go about changeing your daughters behavior...it sounds like their our boundary issues that you might need to untangle with the help of a good counselor/social worker. My counselor helped me a lot in establishing healthy boundaries!!!

Again I'm sorry and I wish I could be more help...just wanted you to know your not alone :) Ps I used to live near Kiest very scary area!!!!

[beginagainrose]

Lord... I pray for this precious woman that you would speak peace to the storm within her heart. Calm the waves of fear. Restore to her the joy of her salvation. Protection her daughter from herself and set Your angels around them all and keep them safe from all harm. Teach HB how much you love her. I pray that she would receive the desires of her heart. Bring her a bicycle so she can see that You are right there...and listening to every word and thought of her heart. Comfort her grief and bring christian friendship into her life. Bring her someone who needs a friend even more than she does...and most of all, Lord, heal her broken spirit and broken heart. In Your sweet name, Jesus, amen.:):)

[hornblower]

Your not burdening me by coming here with this!!! First I wanted you to know that I read you whole post...and wow!!!! Your going thru a lot right now. I used to live in the south dallas area and I completely understand your fears...I gained so much weight because I was afraid to leave my apartment without my husband :)

I'm not sure what happenend to your daughter...but it sounds like she was attacked in a church...and this has directly affected your ability to take comfort in your faith! This is very understandable!!!!! and again I relate...

For about a year I had to deal with the real threat of a stalking pastor!!!! It was so bad that I would have nightmares about this big giant monster barreling down on me. I can't tell you how many times I ahd panic attacks. I began to ask God...in a very spiritual sense (unchurchy God) to please show me His protection. See I knew cognitvely that He was protecting me...but I needed to see it. Psychologists call it visualization...maybe it was my imagination...but it helped! When the big monster would come at me and I would feel panicky I began to picture God as this mighty Angel with titanium wings...He would wrap His wings around me and no matter what the monster threw at me he couldn't get through Gods wings!!!

I'm sorry your having to deal with this! I don't know how you would go about changeing your daughters behavior...it sounds like their our boundary issues that you might need to untangle with the help of a good counselor/social worker. My counselor helped me a lot in establishing healthy boundaries!!!

Again I'm sorry and I wish I could be more help...just wanted you to know your not alone :) Ps I used to live near Kiest very scary area!!!!

Hehehehe Kiest yep its scarey allright! I grew up on Tyler street, know where that is? I lived my entire existence in Wynnewood as a young girl. Played in the woods back there when there were actually woods in this world anywhere! This was about 50 years ago of course.
Thankyou so much dearest simka I do desperately nedd to know I am not along because above all else I not only feel so alone I feel so outcast because of my spiritual abuse issues and the seperation I have put between all of them and myself. I have a long long awful story. My daughter's attack happened when she was barely six years old and now she is 38 so youd think Id be over it by now and I know I would be if I had one of those victorious stories to tell you know one of those faith filled ones they always talk about right? I used to be one of them for sure. Now I have no idea who or what I am.
She was almost murdered and the boy that did it to her got away with all of it he had murdered another little girl. So much for the justice system. Christians felt sorry for him......poor thing.......so they got him a whiz bang lawyer and that guy saw to it that he never had much of anything happen to him. I have never had a vendetta against him, why should I? He didnt get himself off the hook now did he? No it was all of those fine all knowing folks that show uop for church all of the time they must sleep good at night, unlike myself.
Maybe I was meant to be a victim all of my life. Some kind of joke satan is loving to play on my head while Im here.
Ive been through more therapy and therapists than you can shake a stick at. This last one!!!! Whew! She was a doo gooder Oprah christian....the god of Oprah is what she believed in. Good luck with all of that crap is all I have to say. You live long enough you see it all. If its not Oprah its John Doe or whoever, its always somebody know what I mean?
Nope nobody can fix this but the real MAN! Jesus is His name!
I know God and you my friend and my other sweet prayer warrior there heard me last night. I went to the page on the library about gods.....gods that tell us we are nobodies and that we can never do enough or be enough to please god..........this writing says kick that god out! I cannot tell you how much I was crying when I read that and the fear left me for awhile.
SO?
I must be dealing with my own demons as usual right? Those false gods that have always made me fearful that I am not worth the time of day.
It started with my own mother, bless her heart, we have made peace with each other and she is gone now. The scars............ thats not to so easy for me to deal with.

I stayed up until around 3:00 and when I hit the pillow she had come home safe and sound well noo.... NOT sound but anyway shes still here and today its all but back again all of the crazies here.

She got sick at fifteen years old. The same church school where it all began when she was six. Schizophrenia and narcolepsy is the only thing they can come up with.
Shes been on full disability since she was 18 years old.

Im tired.

[hornblower]

Lord... I pray for this precious woman that you would speak peace to the storm within her heart. Calm the waves of fear. Restore to her the joy of her salvation. Protection her daughter from herself and set Your angels around them all and keep them safe from all harm. Teach HB how much you love her. I pray that she would receive the desires of her heart. Bring her a bicycle so she can see that You are right there...and listening to every word and thought of her heart. Comfort her grief and bring christian friendship into her life. Bring her someone who needs a friend even more than she does...and most of all, Lord, heal her broken spirit and broken heart. In Your sweet name, Jesus, amen.:):)


Thankyou so much, I love you.

[Jerry]

Ulcers are not caused by stress my doctor insists.......hmmmmmmm

Excuse me ????? it appears that your Doctor just skims through his medical journals.......While he is right,,,,that a virus causes Ulcers,,,,it is worth noting that "Stress" enhances the ability of the virus to infect the gastro intestinal system by elevating the acid content ..... :eek: Print this out for your Doctor to read,,,,,,,that should really piss him off LOL :D

Love Jerry

[hornblower]

Excuse me ????? it appears that your Doctor just skims through his medical journals.......While he is right,,,,that a virus causes Ulcers,,,,it is worth noting that "Stress" enhances the ability of the virus to infect the gastro intestinal system by elevating the acid content ..... :eek: Print this out for your Doctor to read,,,,,,,that should really piss him off LOL :D

Love Jerry
Funny thing is he is just so so nice but.......I'm going to find someone else believe me. Usually a doctor has to be like completely rude to me or some such thing but this time.....I'm tired of feeling bad and dealing with all of this stuff. He said it causes pain but it doesnt cause ulcers. I can believe that for sure but then so does salad and alcohol and a a whole slew of other things I try to eat or do and the pain is there.
Its been another lousy day and now work tomorrow. My d was here and I wish I could be better about it all I honestly do love her I think she is wonderful I just want to live my life and do my own thing now. I feel like my whole life has been nothing but a waste. Things here and everywhere are really getting me down and you know the worst part.......when I went to church things were honestly always better for me. But I cant ever go back now. I just cannot Ive tried and Im like too wise or something. I have no patience at all for the stuff that goes on. When I say Im wise I feel like a fool because I know I dont know any more than anyone else does.
I miss my one good church. It was hard there were problems but at least people really were real there. I hate satan and all of the crap that happens down here. Why cant people just love each other and talk and be nice? Why cant everyone try to understand and be empathetic with everyone else?
What does it cost anybody to just give a break to the people around them?

[JaniceB]

Hornblower, you've been going through some real stressful times lately. You moved--I hate moving. You are being tested for cancer. How is that? Any results? You have ulcers. Your daughter seems to be difficult as usual. Your husband seems to be non-responsive as usual. Your job seems to be difficult as usual.

I sure can't advise you on what to do about that stuff. BTW, I'd be scared too if my grown kid was bringing in strange men from god-knows-where. I can offer one suggestion: quit worrying about us on the forum. We're here to support each other and you certainly take your turn supporting us. Stop apololgizing for telling us your troubles. If we can't take your troubles one day for whatever reason, we don't have to read it!

One less worry might help you deal with another?

[hornblower]

Thankyou so much Janice, but I do love you guys. Why does love make me worry?
Ive given all of my 'fear' stuff a lot of thought and l have been coming to the conclusion the attack on my daughter is one real live problem I am having in my walk with God. I thought I had all of that taken care of but now aftwer that nmight I spent some of it on here, in so much fear and after going to the library and reading that post on who is your God? I realised my god is fear much of the time. Where did that God I knew so long ago go? That God the real God the one I had so much faith in that He loved me watched over me took care of me that God went the night that happened to my daughter.
Thats when all of my fears became real again.
Janice you have been though in my estimation as much and probably a lot more than I have ever been.
One day you can believe everything will always be ok and He is with you and looking after you the next........?????????

Isnt that whats wrong with most of us?
In that time if I couyld have had a church bopdy that stuck by mne and cared it would have been different I could have believed in 'church' and a body of believers or friends what have you.
Instead I was cast into the most god awful pit. The pit of silence which for me is a killer since thats how I grew up.
The devil knows what hes doing doesnt he?

I am doing what that article suggests trying to start over again.
I wish someone could understand what all of this is like for me. I gave up one little precious baby girl. So my daughter means everything to me or should I say meant everything.
For years I felt like God was somehow in some way punishing me for my past since I also had an abortion.

My past haunts me, taunts me, wont let go of me even though I try all of the time to let it go and I am always going to God and asking for forgiveness.
In my heart of hearts I dont believe I am bad. BUT.....I know what the word says to be like and I cant seem to match myself up to it at all know what I mean?
I do hate some people and I do hold grudges.

It helps me a lot to read the psalms. There I find some comfort, the people seem human to me.
M<y husband got mad at me last night and wouldnt speak. I was so beyond frustrated because I am seemingly loosing my ground at teaching in Tyler at that little bead store. That meant the world to me to do that. My art is everything to me and all of this church stuff I did took my life away from it big time. The churches I went to felt you had to give up your art to be a godly person.
I was so bust trying to do what I thought god wanted you see?

That god wasnt a real god at all now I see that. Im struggling so much with all of this. I have gotten to knwo this lady that is a wire worker I introduced her to the store and the owner there and now all any of them want is her.

Im sorry........it hurts. The owner called yesterday called ME............ for her............her this, her that. Im trying to not let it get to me. I do want her to succeed she has had as hard a time as I have and its not right at all. The owner of the bead store where both of us work is cheating her all of the time.
You know me by now Janice. You know I would never hold anything against her at all its no fault of hers for sure. I would do all of it again. She has two teenage twin boys sand she is alone no child support no nothing.

Anyway I was trying to come up with a new design to wow this weekends class but I dont have enough beads or enough time and here he comes in yapping about somebody else and shouldnt I drop all of who I am and be concerned for these people? I got mad. I started yelling. The whole day became too much for me.
He thinks I am a terrible person.
So? Hes always thought that. I know that much about him after forty years. Im a woman I should always stay on the bottom of the totem pole. Thats how he was raised. He was supoosedly joking but when I told him leave me alone Im looking for something Im upset right now he kept going on me and said he was going to 'smack me down'

This is his latest funny little saying for me. He raises up his arm like hes going to hit me and says hes going to smack me down.
You know Im a survivor of wife beating.......many wife beatings.

We are both old. We are both tired. Hes obviously tired of me yelling.........hey Im really tired of his so called joking........when is anyone around here going to get the picture ......thats not funny to me!

My ex used to come into the bedroom late at night and climb on top of me and begin beating me.
You know my take on it...........Im the same way I was then I havent changed.........bring it on you&**%^^%#&^%$*%^#*%()$@

I hate them all!
I stood up to him and I stand up to my husband.
What I really want to do is leave.
There is no time left to do such things. I can only come here. There is no sympathy anywhere except with God and the real people of God.
My husband doesnt know the meaning of the word sympathy in my case at all.

I am just so angry about everything Janice and it does burden me that I come here and drone on and on. there is so much you see?
This is not stressful lately. except for this styomach thing and no I havent found out they have never called me about the cancer thing which makes me furious but I do see him this week, wednesday, so Ill find out for sure but Im sure I dont have cancer or they would have called me.
Now what a way to handle a patient??????????

I need a new doctor which I guess are in short supply here.
Got to get going I work today.
So yeah this stomach thing is more than usual but not really because this is the second time and I have been sick like this for about four or five years.

Heres a huge so called negative for today which is friggin beautiful here sun shining and a little cool breeze yummy..........whats it like there my friend?.......
my motto? Life sucks then you die!
My so called positive........I do seek the real true loving caring God because He is the one that says He is good, He is love, so if He is who he says He is and why wouldnt He say who He is if He is God? the real God!

I am laying down the god I had in my mind when that attack happened to my little girl and I want back that God that saved my life one day in April.....the God that appeared to me driving my car at seventy, barreling down the highway in Dallas, the sky lit up in flames and angels singing everywhere around me and a huge man with a crown of crowns on His head appeared to me.

"whos driving the car?" I said! hahaha.
If He can come get me and change me like that, four packs of cigs a day I smoked and I didnt even remember ever smoking, and thats the least of what He did for me. He can do anything even take care of an old woman with all kinds of hang ups............He can watch over my daughter too. After all that guy did kill everyone else he attacked but not her.

Dear God heal me. I love you Janice. I wont apoligise for being myself any longer when I come here.
You know what it is........I want you guys here not there.

[simka2]

((((((((hornblower))))))) I'm so glad your not apologizing for who you are!!!!! And I am so sorry for all the abuse and trauma youhave endured...and you still have fight!!!! WOW!!!!

I do understand about the church taking away your art...I used to be very artistic...now I struggle with it very much...

Someday maybe it will come back..we'll see.

I definately don't think God wants to punish you...but it doesn't sound like you really believe that either :) Sometimes I think we put the LETTER of the law before the SPIRIT of the law...and just as Jesus did not condemn the woman caught in adultery nor should anyone (not even yourself) condem you!!!!

Glad your continuing to talk about these things!!!

Grace and Space to you my friend!!!!

[JaniceB]

Janice you have been though in my estimation as much and probably a lot more than I have ever been.
One day you can believe everything will always be ok and He is with you and looking after you the next........?????????

I used to have that problem all the time. One day God was there and the next He must have been mad at me because nothing was right in my life. But gradually that got better and I could more consistently hear Him in my heart.

It got better, I believe, as I healed from some of my shame. I realized that Jesus died for my shame and God doesn't want me to hold on to it. That's not what I heard in church or from my parents or from my ex-husband! But it's what's real and what makes me a healthy productive member of society today. It works!

Being beaten and sexually abused makes us ashamed. My husband told me this morning that I was talking in my sleep telling my ex-husband "No, no. Don't do it!" I don't remember that one but I woke up feeling crappy. The pain doesn't go away easily.

But today I truly, down in my heart, know that God is with me no matter who else may reject and hurt me. It isn't hype like I heard in church for so many years. It's for real but it's coming through a process, not an overnight event.