Voyager
01-24-2009, 09:32 AM
I remember back in late 1998 when I first left the abusive church that I attended for 12 years. When I first got away from there, my life had been turned upside down. Here I was away from everything that I was taught was "God's will". I felt unsafe, unsure, and scared. I was scared of "the world" and worried about being overtaken by the devil. I felt like I needed to get back under "the covering" so I started searching for a new church. Nothing seemed to fit so I went unchurched. Then I found this forum.
When I first came to this forum it was around the year 2000 and the forum was still over at spiritualabuse.com and was ran by Jeff VanVonderan. At first I felt like I had really found a safe place to heal. I was among people who had been spiritually abused, and they understood what I was going through. However, I found out that there could also be a dark side to hanging out with ex-spiritual abuse victims: re-traumatization.
I found that whenever someone would blast me with a condemning religious attack of some kind I would go into a hyper-stress mode and begin re-experiencing the loss of my former church family. This defensive mode was concerned about one thing: protecting me from more loss, rejection, and abandonment. I'm sure that when this protective mode would kick in I would come across as mean and uncompassionate to say the least. When your mind kicks into its survival mode, it can become very defensive and selfish.
I really had no idea at the time what was even happening. All I knew was that sometimes this place would turn into a big Bible-bashing free-for-all and people would walk away wounded, and many of them never returned. This would happen time after time after time. I never saw it coming. Someone would attack me or someone else with a Bible verse, and the theological debate would begin.
Looking back it is clear to see why many of us would get triggered when someone would use a condemning Bible verse on us. The loss of our church families was directly connected to religious condemnation and rejection. When we saw this happening again, our subconscious would throw red flags up warning us of the impending attack on our soul, and we would instinctively pick up our spiritual weapons and start battling - many times without even realizing what we were doing.
A little over a year ago I left this forum, and I just recently came back and started posting. During my absence I got away from religious debates entirely. I did not subject myself to anyone who might preach at me during that time, and consequently I did not get triggered into my religious-attack defense mode at all. This helped me heal and recover without having the wounds re-opened again and again. I found that it was very refreshing not to have to defend myself at every turn.
I didn't realize that I was experiencing re-traumatization until a few months ago when Amy (Willow) asked me, "Are you sure you want to chance being re-traumatized again?" It was like a light bulb went off in my mind and I finally could see what was happening. Every time I would begin defending myself against someone using the Bible against me I would experience the traumatic loss of my church family all over again. This was a huge turning point for me, and I am really thankful that she brought it to my attention.
When you get triggered by something after experiencing a trauma, you have a brief moment to decide whether to react or not. In the past I didn't even know what was going on when this would happen, so I would just react. When this triggering would happen I would get angry and become very defensive. Now I realize that it was my mind preparing itself to fight off the impending damaging forces of rejection, loss, and abandonment that it assumed were headed my way. I felt like I was fighting for my very life, so I probably wasn't in a very friendly mood when this would happen.
Since Willow said that to me, I find myself taking a moment to think about what I am getting ready to say (or write in this case) when someone uses religious criticism against me. It put me in control over the triggering process, and has allowed me to re-think what I want to say before I write anything. It has given me the ability to see the person who is 'attacking' me as someone just like me who doesn't want to hurt anyone. They are hurt and wounded just like me, and they too might be reacting out of their pain.
If I can be a part of this forum without reacting to people when they use the Bible against me, I can learn to overcome re-experiencing trauma. I'm not asking you to preach to me so I can test my resolve in this area. I'm just saying that I see things differently now. I don't see people who preach to me as enemies that are out to hurt me anymore. That allows me to drop my defensive guard and treat them with compassion and understanding.
Has anyone else experienced this type of re-traumatization? If so, how do you deal with it?
P.S. - Thanks Amy! ;)
:cool:
When I first came to this forum it was around the year 2000 and the forum was still over at spiritualabuse.com and was ran by Jeff VanVonderan. At first I felt like I had really found a safe place to heal. I was among people who had been spiritually abused, and they understood what I was going through. However, I found out that there could also be a dark side to hanging out with ex-spiritual abuse victims: re-traumatization.
I found that whenever someone would blast me with a condemning religious attack of some kind I would go into a hyper-stress mode and begin re-experiencing the loss of my former church family. This defensive mode was concerned about one thing: protecting me from more loss, rejection, and abandonment. I'm sure that when this protective mode would kick in I would come across as mean and uncompassionate to say the least. When your mind kicks into its survival mode, it can become very defensive and selfish.
I really had no idea at the time what was even happening. All I knew was that sometimes this place would turn into a big Bible-bashing free-for-all and people would walk away wounded, and many of them never returned. This would happen time after time after time. I never saw it coming. Someone would attack me or someone else with a Bible verse, and the theological debate would begin.
Looking back it is clear to see why many of us would get triggered when someone would use a condemning Bible verse on us. The loss of our church families was directly connected to religious condemnation and rejection. When we saw this happening again, our subconscious would throw red flags up warning us of the impending attack on our soul, and we would instinctively pick up our spiritual weapons and start battling - many times without even realizing what we were doing.
A little over a year ago I left this forum, and I just recently came back and started posting. During my absence I got away from religious debates entirely. I did not subject myself to anyone who might preach at me during that time, and consequently I did not get triggered into my religious-attack defense mode at all. This helped me heal and recover without having the wounds re-opened again and again. I found that it was very refreshing not to have to defend myself at every turn.
I didn't realize that I was experiencing re-traumatization until a few months ago when Amy (Willow) asked me, "Are you sure you want to chance being re-traumatized again?" It was like a light bulb went off in my mind and I finally could see what was happening. Every time I would begin defending myself against someone using the Bible against me I would experience the traumatic loss of my church family all over again. This was a huge turning point for me, and I am really thankful that she brought it to my attention.
When you get triggered by something after experiencing a trauma, you have a brief moment to decide whether to react or not. In the past I didn't even know what was going on when this would happen, so I would just react. When this triggering would happen I would get angry and become very defensive. Now I realize that it was my mind preparing itself to fight off the impending damaging forces of rejection, loss, and abandonment that it assumed were headed my way. I felt like I was fighting for my very life, so I probably wasn't in a very friendly mood when this would happen.
Since Willow said that to me, I find myself taking a moment to think about what I am getting ready to say (or write in this case) when someone uses religious criticism against me. It put me in control over the triggering process, and has allowed me to re-think what I want to say before I write anything. It has given me the ability to see the person who is 'attacking' me as someone just like me who doesn't want to hurt anyone. They are hurt and wounded just like me, and they too might be reacting out of their pain.
If I can be a part of this forum without reacting to people when they use the Bible against me, I can learn to overcome re-experiencing trauma. I'm not asking you to preach to me so I can test my resolve in this area. I'm just saying that I see things differently now. I don't see people who preach to me as enemies that are out to hurt me anymore. That allows me to drop my defensive guard and treat them with compassion and understanding.
Has anyone else experienced this type of re-traumatization? If so, how do you deal with it?
P.S. - Thanks Amy! ;)
:cool: