outcast
12-29-2008, 02:27 PM
My husband and I recently visited his family for christmas and made a long trip to do so. During the trip I realized that there have been things that have bothered us both about his sister and her family since we left the cult.
First of all, we found that they don't have boundaries or respect for our personal space. We traveled about 6 hours by car to visit them and we usually stay in hubby's parent's home. Their home is a small 3 bedroom, 2 bath and because his sister and her kids are very cold natured, they tend to keep it quite warm and uncomfortable.
Christmas eve, they decided to stay the night so that we could get up early the next day and open presents. To us, that was the norm and no big deal even though the kids are loud and often unruly and kept us up pretty late that night with their noise.
What pushed me over the edge emotionally though was when they decided to stay a second night the next night for no good reason other than just wanting to be with family. Now, I am as sentimental as the next person, but they live less than 10 minutes away from the parent's home and could've simply gone to their rather large $200,000 home and slept there. Instead, they crowded us for one more night with a sick child in the midst of the situation.
The next day as we all packed it in to go shopping, it dawned on me that their insistence to stay at hubby's parent's home the entire time we are there has finally driven me to distraction and aggravation. I don't mind seeing them when we are in town, but it lessens the enjoyment of the experience when they insist on being with us for every waking moment. I'm sorry, but I need space... :(
On top of all this, I had a discussion with the sister. She and her family attend what we believe is a cult as well, but they don't want to admit it. You see, it is not a charasmatic church like ours was, but it is nondenominational and doesn't have accountability. It's teachings are also just as far off base as the ones we were subjected to for many years, but they think that since the worship is more controlled and less emotional, it is a safe place compared to our old church.
In fact, it is evident that his sister thinks much less of us for being "stupid" enough to be in a cult for so many years. She thinks they are more discerning than we were.
I had a long talk with her christmas day and I let her know how uncomfortable she made me by discussing her church's doctrines because they sound so much like what we came out of. She didn't like hearing that at all and tried very hard to convice me that their church was quite safe. :rolleyes:
When we all went shopping I realized that due to her own church background and experiences, hubby's sister doesn't have any personal boundaries at all and therefore doesn't respect our need to have some space when we come for a visit. She just assumes that we all want to be together the entire time we are there. It helped me to see this, but I honestly don't know what to do about it. When we have tried to openly discuss family issues before she is not very open to criticism and often gets defensive.
As a result, we simply choose not to visit so much. It is sad, but we refuse to be unhealthy with her.
I hope this post doesn't sound as disparate as it feels. It is hard to verbalize over 10 years of family issues in one post. I guess I just needed to post and vent a little since we returned home.
Another aggravation since we returned home is that I have caught the same flu that the sick child had on christmas day. It annoys me that common sense did not prevail and that they didn't stay home when they had an ill child. To me, that is just selfish.
I know I need to forgive hubby's sister concerning these things, but I first wanted to post and get some feedback. It is hard enough dealing with post cult exiting issues without having to add family problems to that list. Grrr...
First of all, we found that they don't have boundaries or respect for our personal space. We traveled about 6 hours by car to visit them and we usually stay in hubby's parent's home. Their home is a small 3 bedroom, 2 bath and because his sister and her kids are very cold natured, they tend to keep it quite warm and uncomfortable.
Christmas eve, they decided to stay the night so that we could get up early the next day and open presents. To us, that was the norm and no big deal even though the kids are loud and often unruly and kept us up pretty late that night with their noise.
What pushed me over the edge emotionally though was when they decided to stay a second night the next night for no good reason other than just wanting to be with family. Now, I am as sentimental as the next person, but they live less than 10 minutes away from the parent's home and could've simply gone to their rather large $200,000 home and slept there. Instead, they crowded us for one more night with a sick child in the midst of the situation.
The next day as we all packed it in to go shopping, it dawned on me that their insistence to stay at hubby's parent's home the entire time we are there has finally driven me to distraction and aggravation. I don't mind seeing them when we are in town, but it lessens the enjoyment of the experience when they insist on being with us for every waking moment. I'm sorry, but I need space... :(
On top of all this, I had a discussion with the sister. She and her family attend what we believe is a cult as well, but they don't want to admit it. You see, it is not a charasmatic church like ours was, but it is nondenominational and doesn't have accountability. It's teachings are also just as far off base as the ones we were subjected to for many years, but they think that since the worship is more controlled and less emotional, it is a safe place compared to our old church.
In fact, it is evident that his sister thinks much less of us for being "stupid" enough to be in a cult for so many years. She thinks they are more discerning than we were.
I had a long talk with her christmas day and I let her know how uncomfortable she made me by discussing her church's doctrines because they sound so much like what we came out of. She didn't like hearing that at all and tried very hard to convice me that their church was quite safe. :rolleyes:
When we all went shopping I realized that due to her own church background and experiences, hubby's sister doesn't have any personal boundaries at all and therefore doesn't respect our need to have some space when we come for a visit. She just assumes that we all want to be together the entire time we are there. It helped me to see this, but I honestly don't know what to do about it. When we have tried to openly discuss family issues before she is not very open to criticism and often gets defensive.
As a result, we simply choose not to visit so much. It is sad, but we refuse to be unhealthy with her.
I hope this post doesn't sound as disparate as it feels. It is hard to verbalize over 10 years of family issues in one post. I guess I just needed to post and vent a little since we returned home.
Another aggravation since we returned home is that I have caught the same flu that the sick child had on christmas day. It annoys me that common sense did not prevail and that they didn't stay home when they had an ill child. To me, that is just selfish.
I know I need to forgive hubby's sister concerning these things, but I first wanted to post and get some feedback. It is hard enough dealing with post cult exiting issues without having to add family problems to that list. Grrr...