Traumatized by SA or Backslidden?

[abbey]

Hi folks! I miss you all! I have moved to a group home. I HATE IT! My bipolar has won, or is winning. The devil is winning. I feel a million miles from Gods grace. Im in therapy, but i am so traumatized when i share my pain with the therapist, that its NO FUN. Id love to share that life is dandy and Im well, but im clinging tenaciously to my sanity. Breaking bread with a scizoid affective is no picnic. I live with 9 other ppl, all with varying degrees of mental illness. My cult said all mental illness is demons. SO, as you can imagine, im not feeling to comfortable. But i KNOW that the cult was wrong, so....

I hide from God. I tell Jesus that I cant read the Bible, that I cant even read "Our Daily Bread" The very thing that I need is Jesus, yet, I FEAR God so much, from the cults teaching .The one thing that is suppose to be our hiding place, our help in trouble, is just some big mean guy in the sky that cant control his anger. Stories like the flood give me panic attacks. Boy, God sure can be mean, no?

I do have an addiction and am having tremendous trouble stopping. Is it sin or self-medication? Statistcally, 80% of bipolars self-medicate to try and "feel better." This is true in my group home, as I know 4 others who abuse drugs as a way of coping. 2 of them have had an experience with God. I want to ask them to return to church, maybe we can go together. I cant afford to use my car, cause this group home robs me of 90% of my check. I say rob, because they are an unliscensed place, and dont feed us enough, run out of toliet paper and theres some verbal abuse. If god is right about one thing---"The heart is deceitfully wicked." I find it a total shame that the owners and staff of this joint are in it for the money. Altho, my one housemother can show some compassion at times. But the owner basically takes almost all your check and then feeds you hotdogs and kool-aid.

Im ramblin....

I HATE THE CULT AND WHAT THEY DID TO ME! IM SCARED OF GOD, YET HES THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN TRULY HELP.

I can pray, but its always a pleading of ," Make me well and forgive me." Always asking for stuff. lol...

Well, i dont have the internet there, so i cant really talk with you guys. I do ask for prayer. I want to get better to leave the home. I dont want to be dependent on this environment. And i want to love god again.

I wonder sometimes if im avoiding the Bible to keep from abiding by Gods rules, or because the cult ruined Gods goodness for me. I think its a bit of both.

well, my best to all! Not all of you know me, but some do.

May you all be healing....

thats my prayer for you :)

[Jerry]

Dear Abbey,,,
Hi Sweetie,,,,Trust me ,,,God does not get up in the morning saying,,,,"Let's see what I can do to zap Abbey today?? ".Abbey God will help you where you are,just be honest with Him....If your angry with Him,tell Him so,,,,,,If your scared of Him,tell Him so.God created the entire universe by the shear force of His will...Do you really think God wouldn't understand?????

Love Jerry

[abbey]

Dear Abbey,,,
Hi Sweetie,,,,Trust me ,,,God does not get up in the morning saying,,,,"Let's see what I can do to zap Abbey today?? ".Abbey God will help you where you are,just be honest with Him....If your angry with Him,tell Him so,,,,,,If your scared of Him,tell Him so.God created the entire universe by the shear force of His will...Do you really think God wouldn't understand?????

Love Jerry


Hi Jer, Happy Kwanza! lol....

Yep, i used to be afraid of being honest with God, but I DO tell him how i feel. I never thought in a million years Id ever be in a place of anger towards God. But unfortunately, I am. Quite angry actually.

Me and God really need to work this thing out!

Love ya! I do i do i do... :)

[Maggy]

The devil is winning. I feel a million miles from Gods grace.

Our cults told us that the devil is winning whenever we don't follow their rules.

Our cults told us that God abandons us whenever we don't follow their rules.

These are lies that we were told to instill fear into us so that we would never leave the cult. We were deeply brainswashed with these lies, and it takes a while to get rid of them.

[Spiny Norman]

Dear Abbey,
Hang in there! My father-in-law is bipolar and needs medication to keep him balanced. I can assure you that there is no evidence that he is demon-possessed ... he is a Christian man who loves the Lord ... but he lives in a fallen, sinful world and as a result the imbalance of the chemicals produced in his brain produces the bipolar disorder.
We love him, and he loves us. Bipolar disorder is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about.
Its an illness, just like any other illness or syndrome. We bear with him in his weakness. I pray that you will find some people to come around you to love you and bear with you too as you deal with your bipolar illness.

[FreeinJesus]

.... i am so traumatized when i share my pain with the therapist, that its NO FUN. Id love to share that life is dandy and Im well, but im clinging tenaciously to my sanity. .....My cult said all mental illness is demons. SO, as you can imagine, im not feeling to comfortable. But i KNOW that the cult was wrong, so....

I hide from God. I tell Jesus that I cant read the Bible, .... Boy, God sure can be mean, no?

I do have an addiction and am having tremendous trouble stopping. Is it sin or self-medication? ..... I know 4 others who abuse drugs as a way of coping. ...... If god is right about one thing---"The heart is deceitfully wicked." .....

I HATE THE CULT AND WHAT THEY DID TO ME! IM SCARED OF GOD, YET HES THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN TRULY HELP.

I can pray, but its always a pleading of ," Make me well and forgive me." Always asking for stuff. lol...
... i want to love god again.

I wonder sometimes if im avoiding the Bible to keep from abiding by Gods rules, or because the cult ruined Gods goodness for me. I think its a bit of both.
....


Dear ((Abbey))

What helped me was getting it in my mind what you said & know, but getting the thought there to stay...."the cult is wrong!" Abbey, the group I was in was very controlling...of course they believe they are the "true church" & of course anyone not *in their group* is deceived, a wordly christian,...so you can imagine what we experienced after we decided to leave.:( If I believed what that ******* preacher said...for US to basically "watch out for God's fiery indignation...." I'd be a complete basket case. But GOD IS SO MUCH BIGGER & so much more compassionate than these religious jerks.

Truly, Abbey...where did Jesus ever say a person had to read the bible everyday to be *pleasing* to him or God???
Doesn't God write his laws in our hearts? I for one, don't read my bible much anymore...I don't believe it is inerrant. I certainly believe there is *truth* in it, but a person can love God & his fellow man without a bible.
I hope I dont' offend you or others for saying that, but honestly if you look at all the rules & regulations, etc..in the bible, well, it will kill a person trying to live up to them. "the law kills". I'm so very done with it.

I had to realize that I don't need some book for God to love me or to be a decent God fearing person. I also have seen through my own experiences & through history that the *bible* & religion have been used to greatly harm, hurt, damage & kill people.....so Abbey, I have prayed for you. I hope your realize that if you have God's spirit, if you love your neighbor as yourself that you have nothing, nothing to worry about. God does LOVE YOU.

God is just so much more merciful than these religious zealots make him out to be.

Please forgive me if I have offended you Abbey or anyone else reading this. I still have my faith in God....but I'm utterly finished w/ *religion*. My religion is the golden rule....I hope that's enough for God because that's all I have for him at this point in my life after being completely fucked over by "bible religion"

(sorry for the salty language....I get upset thinking about the abuse done in "God's name":(:()
Take Care Abbey!
God loves you for who you ARE.

[ex-shep]

If you can run to 12 step meetings out of the home, that might help. Getting around healthy people can really make a difference. I just about lost all my faculties when I lived in a and alcohol infested building. Sober people Sober places.

I forgot how abusive groups love to demonize mental illness. Remember mental illness has a physical component. It can be hit or miss at first, but there is quite a bit of effective therapy and medication for a reasonably happy life.

As far the old tapes, I have had to remind myself that was then this is now. This may too triggering for some, but I have had to say "I am not my cult involvement".

It is rather uncanny. I gave an AA lead last week. I said the one thing that kept me going was sheer faith. It was going to get better. Hangeth on in there. We are rooting for you.

[Grey]

Prayers for you & your situation. ((hugs))