Being accused of "bitterness" as reason for leaving

[Kitty]

Hi all,

I personally feel I have been able to get past the bitterness stage. Yet, people who are still in my old group say they were told I left because of bitterness? Has anyone else been lied about like this by the "spiritual leadership" of a church just because you left?:confused: Yes, I am sad, but being sad doesn't mean someone is bitter, right?:D

[FreeinJesus]

Dear Kitty, I think they are saying that nonsense about "bitterness" to try to make you feel bad about leaving their group. don't buy it for a minute. If they had any understanding about the freedom that is in Jesus they would know that no one organization has a monopoly on the truth.

Don't believe that garbage they are telling you. and so what if you are bitter?? Maybe you have a right to feel that way after so much has happened to you? I know it's not good to live w/ bitterness, but i think it's a reality to some degree, but the church people try to turn it around on us...like there is something wrong w/ us.

Again, I think the "bitterness" BS is a ploy to try to get you feeling guilty so you'll run back to the "true church" (I think I can say that knowing what those types teach:rolleyes:;)) IMHO

Also, who the hell are they to judge about "bitterness"?? and who are they to judge what you should or should not feel??? It reminds me of my xpastor who would chastise us from the pulpit for various offenses, backbiting, gossip, etc...yet he himself was pretty damn good at the things he would guilt trip his flock over!! ah well.:rolleyes:....((Kitty)) don't believe what they are saying for a minute. Why are they bringing this "bitterness" issue up? Will it help you to heal or lead you to a better life???? or is their intention to cast your spirit down (guilt & shame you) so that you will focus on them & their particular group/leader?? I believe they are being manipulative....

OK....that was long!:o:o
fij

[Gayle]

Hi all,

I personally feel I have been able to get past the bitterness stage. Yet, people who are still in my old group say they were told I left because of bitterness? Has anyone else been lied about like this by the "spiritual leadership" of a church just because you left?:confused: Yes, I am sad, but being sad doesn't mean someone is bitter, right?:D

Hi Kitty, no where in the definition of sad, not even in the list of synonyms for sad, is the word "bitter." So to say that you are bitter, is deciding for you what you are feeling rather than acknowledging your pain or the cause of it.

I have been accused of being bitter, angry and unforgiving. True - I have been and still am at times. I also have other emotions. They are all feelings. Those who accused me denied the abuse and never once genuinely acknowledged my other emotions such as pain, grief, feeling of loss, or my disappointment except to control me further - not to mention the fact that they were often angry, even enraged and out of control while they abused me. I can't believe anyone who abuses another person is experiencing healthy positive feelings at the time of the abuse. Accusing us of having "bad" feelings or attitudes is just another way of avoiding the truth of abuse. They would have to look inside themselves and that might be pretty scary.

Bitter is often used to define the whole of a person's being which is just not true. My abusers have left a bitter taste in my mouth. Maybe that's it - misuse of the word bitter ;) Anyways just my blurb.... take care Kitty.

[FreeinJesus]

Yes Gayle, it's like controllers use the word "bitterness" to broadstroke many feelings. I think the way they mean "bitterness" is anyone who has an attitude or even some anger towards what was wrongfully done in God's name.
(of course we have no right to feel anger or bitterness at what was done to us by the abusers & done in God's name:(:rolleyes:) (being sarcastic there..:rolleyes:)
I'm thinking abusive controllers would probably accuse someone feeling,sad, discouraged, disheartened, wary, untrusting or angry as being "bitter".:(

[Hope 98]

The words "bitterness" and "unforgiveness" have long been triggering for me. I am convinced at this point that they are red herring words designed to distract the attention from the willfull sin of an abusive authoritarian hypocrite, and shame the victim into continued compliance.

Sometimes it's helpful for me to remember that Satan is the Accuser and Jesus is our Advocate.

If you can put a comment into one column or the other, you can see which side they line up with pretty easy.

[Gayle]

.....
(of course we have no right to feel anger or bitterness at what was done to us by the abusers & done in God's name:(:rolleyes:) (being sarcastic there..:rolleyes:)
I'm thinking abusive controllers would probably accuse someone feeling,sad, discouraged, disheartened, wary, untrusting or angry as being "bitter".:(

indeed we had no right to feel anger or other feelings..... if I was happy or excited I would be told to settle down. If I was angry I might be punished or told not to get mad, that it was my own fault, apparently "I asked for it."
At times I have gone for days not feeling or not understanding my feelings/emotions. My emotional wires became confused as to what I really felt about anything. Making decisions can still be exhausting. "Don't go by your feelings, you should listen to me" so I was afraid my feelings would misinform me and I couldn't trust them. Still learning and relearning to recognize the different emotions time and again.

[Jerry]

Has anyone else been lied about like this by the "spiritual leadership" of a church just because you left?:confused:

Of course we all get lied about.If they didn't lie,,,,,,then what?? Well they would have to face the truth wouldn't they ?? Loosing their heavenly status with the congregation :eek: You see,in an abusive Church,there is no Love of God,no salvation,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,there is just lies.Lies beginning with the leader,who is an "Ego Maniacal Narcissist" with an Inferiority Complex"....So Kitty those people are what they are.....Right now the wounds are fresh,your disappointed and hurt,but that will pass/callous over.Then you will pleasantly discover that you no longer give a Rats Ass what they think or say about anything,,, or you ;)

Love Jerry

[Reg]

Kitty,

Anger :mad: is what you feel. It is one of the stages of recovery from a trauma. Of course it can turn into bitterness if we continually dwell on it. From what I have read about you that isn't the case. The grief you suffer from leaving a cult is similar to what you feel when losing a loved one. Here's a couple of previous threads where we discussed this.......

Stages of a crisis/grief
http://www.christianrecovery.com/vb/showthread.php?t=5678&highlight=stages+grief&page=4

The anger stage
http://www.christianrecovery.com/vb/showthread.php?t=7280&highlight=stages+grief

[Kitty]

I feel like I have been beaten with my own arm after it was ripped off.:mad:

[Gayle]

I feel like I have been beaten with my own arm after it was ripped off.:mad:

In a sense you have been - they distorted your real reasons for leaving and used it against you. You have every right to be angry.

[Grey]

Maybe we can accuse them of being "bitter" over your leaving them, LOL :rolleyes:
I can understand your frustration, the people in my group thought they did so well discerning other people's feelings & motives and they were so wrong. Most of the time I'm just so glad to be away, though every once in awhile it hurts when I think of it... Hope this won't affect you too badly. ((((hugs))))

[Hope 98]

Maybe we can accuse them of being "bitter" over your leaving them, LOL :rolleyes:


I bet you are absolutely correct about that.

[FreeinJesus]

Maybe we can accuse them of being "bitter" over your leaving them, LOL :rolleyes:


So right about that one Grey!

I think the controllers "project" a lot...

[Kitty]

Maybe we can accuse them of being "bitter" over your leaving them, LOL :rolleyes:
I can understand your frustration, the people in my group thought they did so well discerning other people's feelings & motives and they were so wrong. Most of the time I'm just so glad to be away, though every once in awhile it hurts when I think of it... Hope this won't affect you too badly. ((((hugs))))

The reason it hurts so much is because I was told this is what the church was told (among other things) as the reason I left by a friend of mine who is still in the group. What bothers me about this is NOT what the jerk of a preacher has to say but that it appears this couple believes it. I thought they knew me better than that! They know why I left. They may not want to remember of admit it, but they know!:confused:

[Anna Marta]

The reason it hurts so much is because I was told this is what the church was told (among other things) as the reason I left by a friend of mine who is still in the group. What bothers me about this is NOT what the jerk of a preacher has to say but that it appears this couple believes it. I thought they knew me better than that! They know why I left. They may not want to remember of admit it, but they know!:confused:

I am so sorry this has happened to you. In my research on groups and members, it seems that this kind of "group think" is the norm. It may or may not reflect who they really are, but more the conformance of their behavior to the group to which they need to be accepted. Sometimes those who we are close to are not able to see the deception when we do and they remain bound up in the group's trap.

A very wise person once told me to remember that, "Those who are bound will seek to bind you." Keep a tight hold on your freedom and pray for those who still love in hope and faith that they will be able to see truth and escape some day too.

It hurts like hell, doesn't it?
Love
Anna Marta

[Kitty]

Wow! It now seem I have become a direct target of the group I was in. I am so glad I joined this group when I did. I am really upset. The below was just part of the venom that has been posted on the WEB by one of the church leaders about me. I have not used my real name on this site, nor have I outwardly said anything against anyone or even used the groups name. This was a answer to the question as to why I left...

"Hello friends!
I got many replies to my message the other day. I've been on vacation and had spotty internet access, so it's probably getting a little old, but I wanted to answer some things publicly rather than replying to the many messages individually.

.......some said they didn't have time and just wanted to know what was going on. Basically, it boils down to someone who had a memory of Dr. Berg saying something that he probably didn't even say, or was maybe misunderstood, or remembered erroneously. Then, although no one really remembered what was said, they continued to rip him apart on the premise of the statement that he might or might not have said."

HUH?????

It goes on...

"I don't know about you, but, I don't really want to be associated with those who are so bitter because things didn't go their way. I was also disappointed that folks I know from other places are on the who never was, in my mind a true member of the body of Christ. Unfortunately, one of those who is claiming a family connection she never had! She was but someone who was kindly taken in and now is biting the hand that fed her for so many years. Treat this person as a outcast and turn her body over to Satan so that her soul may be saved. I hate to say it, but it may be to late for her soul."

Wow, it hurts more to see it in black and white! Wow, I cannot believe they are saying this..... I am getting so depressed.....

[ex-shep]

"Bitterness" is a common thought stopping cliche to minimize the person's feelings and sometimes "right to exist". The former complainer is dismissed as being bitter. I do not react to it one way or another. I have been called a slanderer of the brethren, an agent of Satan, and I have been turned over to Satan for the destruction of my flesh. As Garfield the cat would say, "Big fat hairy deal".

[Jerry]

Treat this person as a outcast and turn her body over to Satan so that her soul may be saved. I hate to say it, but it may be to late for her soul."



Holy Crap !!!!!!!!,,,,Just who the hell does this (_o_) think he is ???????????

I believe you Kitty,,,,,,but can't believe it .......know what I mean ;) The man is obviously a Rodent :mad:

Love Jerry

[Anna Marta]

I keep getting both shocked and surprised by the behavior of spiritual abusers and their "Groupies".

Kitty, so glad you got out! The tenor of what I read seems to have the mark of brainwashed thinkers who pathologically need to defend their own decisions of staying in the group.

You are the "desginated patient", the person who saw the problem who is then accused of BEING the problem; the same thing happens in dysfunctional families. You can usually identify the "DP", he/she is the one looking sick while everyone else looks healthy as horses.

Hope 2009 will be a year of recovery from pain and being able to enjoy your freedom from these people.
Love
AM

[ex-shep]

I keep getting both shocked and surprised by the behavior of spiritual abusers and their "Groupies".

Kitty, so glad you got out!
AM


The fact that you are out, recognize the insanity, and to extricate yourself from it puts you miles ahead. Next latte on me.

[JaniceB]

Hi all,

I personally feel I have been able to get past the bitterness stage. Yet, people who are still in my old group say they were told I left because of bitterness? Has anyone else been lied about like this by the "spiritual leadership" of a church just because you left?:confused: Yes, I am sad, but being sad doesn't mean someone is bitter, right?:D

Oh, yes! This is a favorite control tactic in abusive religions. When people would leave the abusive group I was in it was always because they "had their feelings hurt". When I left some people I still did business with would hardly speak to me. I moved my business elsewhere.

We've trained ourselves to listen to these people as if they were our parents and when they say things like this we know it's wrong but the trained part of us still wonders. Keep talking about it because that's the only way I've found to get better.

[riverdove]

You're right, Kitty, sadness doesn't mean one is bitter. Spiritual abusers have a way with words. I was slapped with that accusation before and I know how hurtful it is. It's like you sense something wrong, but you're not allowed to express your sadness. The next thing you know, you're guilty of being sad because these bullies know better what to call that sadness. I felt trapped and the only way I did was to get out of that abusive church situation. The worst thing I have suffered was confusion, disillusionment and guilt in the first several years until I read and learn more about spiritual abuse. My emotions sometimes is still slow to catch up with my new found knowledge, but I think over time, I'm getting used to the fact that I've have lost that "identity," and I'm slowly recreating a new one now. It's still a struggle from time to time, but if I was given a choice to flee or to go back to that abusive church, I would say I would still prefer to be out of there. I have heard of so many stories (far too many) out there of people being accused of the same thing when they left the church. It goes to show that there's a pattern adopted by these bullies. That is a cop out and a lie. If what they say does not uplift or encourage, but tear others down, you know that THAT cannot be anything spiritually sound, or even morally good. If they really care about the people they are supposed to minister to, they would have cared about how they feel as well and be able to address their needs. On the contrary, spiritual abusers are boundary breakers and they are good at ignoring and trampling other's emotions and that's what they're naturally good at. They have ears, but they're not good at listening. All they want to do is to speak and pronounce judgments. Their purpose is to control and more control .... all in the name of their own "religion." Take flight from them and take care of yourself. May you have a good new year free from their influence.

[Kitty]

Hey, I apologize for being the most "needy" person in this group. It has not been to long since I left. I am NOT going back but I feel like I have a target painted on my back, so to speak.

I received a message today to contact one of the big wigs in the group (a man who is not just a follower but a leader). He wants me to contact him either by phone or email. Why in the hell don't they let me be?????:confused: I live in another state now!:( He claims to want to ask me a private question (not a personal one). Oh please!!!!! Just go away and leave me live my life!!!!!:mad::(:confused::eek:

[Anna Marta]

Give him the virtual finger Kitty! By the way, it's okay to be needy, we all take our turns at it, even if it has been a looooong time since leaving...

Happy New Year
Love
AM

[Jerry]

Hey, I apologize for being the most "needy" person in this group. It has not been to long since I left. I am NOT going back but I feel like I have a target painted on my back, so to speak.

I received a message today to contact one of the big wigs in the group (a man who is not just a follower but a leader). He wants me to contact him either by phone or email. Why in the hell don't they let me be?????:confused: I live in another state now!:( He claims to want to ask me a private question (not a personal one). Oh please!!!!! Just go away and leave me live my life!!!!!:mad::(:confused::eek:

Dear Kitty,,,
This man keeps violating your boundary because he is just plain ignorant.Sometimes the only way to dissuade them is to be very liberal in your use of colorful metaphors. I suggest metaphors that question the genetic integrity of his mother :D That should cause him to leave you alone ;)

Love Jerry

[JaniceB]

Hey, I apologize for being the most "needy" person in this group.

Hey, don't worry about it. Besides, who says you're the neediest? My turn or anyone else's could come tomorrow. If you have to apologize now do I have to apologize when it's my turn?;)

[Kitty]

Dear Kitty,,,
This man keeps violating your boundary because he is just plain ignorant.Sometimes the only way to dissuade them is to be very liberal in your use of colorful metaphors. I suggest metaphors that question the genetic integrity of his mother :D That should cause him to leave you alone ;)

Love Jerry

I suggest metaphors that question the genetic integrity of his mother :D That should cause him to leave you alone ;)

Hey, I like that one. I am going to do it! Thanks!:D

[Grey]

He claims to want to ask me a private question (not a personal one).

Eek, what does that even mean?