This is painful

[Kitty]

I do not know where to start when I write this. I want to apologize in advance if I ramble because some of it is still pretty raw.

When I was little, I somehow came to live with a woman who was not my mother. When I was 12 I went to live with a fundamentalist pastor's family that always was "around" on the fringes when I was younger.

The woman was very abusive. She had a live in that also sexually abused me. I lived on a farm isolated from other people and children. Thank God, homeschooling was not around then, because I never would have had any kind of education. As it was, she sent me to numerous christian schools. I have since found out that when they would ask her for my birth certificate or other identity she would make as many excuses as she could until it was time for her to move me to another school. In fourth grade, I was placed in the school of the pastor I mentioned earlier. He was the pastor of the church who opporated the school.

Over the years, I have been told that my adopted dad knew all along that I was not related to that woman. I finally had the guts to confront him about this. After a lot of excuses and claiming he couldn't remember at least 1000 times he did tell me that she brought me up to his church and told him she found me abandoned in an apartment she owned in a large city near her home. He says he told her she should call the authorities and could not just keep me. HE did nothing to call the authorities, though. I sustained years of horrific abuse. HE now tells me that he made her promise that if anything happened to her that she would allow him to take me in. He did take me in. I have found legal documents that prove both his church and himself made out quite handsomely financially for doing so. He and my adopted mother both received "foster care funds" from when I was age 13- almost 18. The adoption was finalized only a few weeks before I turned 18. They received not only money from that woman but money from the state for years. They adopted me so that others both in the church and in the fundamentalist circle would pat them on the backs and say what great people they are.
Let me tell you more about these good people.
After I went to stay in their home, I was told right away by the Mrs. that she "did not want me her husband did, so stay away from MY kids!" My room was in the basement in the corner, right in front of the wood stove. In the winter it was either as hot as hadies or as cold as could be. I had a single bed, small dresser, bedside table, lamp all shoved in the corner with the gun rack over my headboard. There were no doors on the "room" not even a screen. Most of the time, they were considerate enough to yell down the stairs to ask if I were decent. I never had any privacy. I was constantly reminded how different I was. How "unlike" them. I'm sorry, I cannot write anymore right now. I'll be back later.....

[FreeinJesus]

Oh (((Kitty)))

Take care & write more when you feel up to it.

Love,
FreeinJesus

[riverdove]

Kitty, your story is indeed a sad and painful story to tell .... I don't think any child should deserve this kind of treatment ... ever. Do take care of yourself, Kitty.

[Kitty]

Hi again. Sorry I had to take a little break. I still get overwhelmed when I try to tell my story. What is kind of strange is that for so many years I felt nothing. I could not cry. I could not make myself cry. Over the last few years I feel everything. My emotions at times are so raw. It is like I have a deep bruise that the slightest jar will cause excruciating pain. The difference is my "bruise" is emotional.

I want to take you back to that farm. The "farm" was located outside of Philadelphia. She owned 110 acres of prime real estate in this growing area. She owned between 20-30 horses. She would breed horse. The difference in the number of horses she owned depended upon the time of the year and how many foles she had. She also owned numerous cows, chickens, pigs, goats and other miscellaneous farm animals. There were slews of sickly, mangy dogs and cats. She usually had one or two dogs that were her favorites but the rest were not fed well. She meted out cruelty on the animals just like she did me.
She had one "farmhand" to help with the farm. He was not physically abusive to me. As a matter of fact, I thought of him as kind because he would help me. Her name was Cleo. She would beat me mercilessly. When I was really little I remember her getting extremely angry with me because I was left handed. I believe it was shortly after I came to live with her. I am not sure how old I was but I know I was not in school yet. According to paperwork that was found and testimony of others it appears she somehow got me when I was three years old. I think, perhaps, the story I am going to tell may have occurred shortly after she took me. Cleo became enraged at me because I was left handed. She screamed at me that being left handed was "evil." She was going to beat the devil out of me. At the beginning whenever I would reach for something with my left hand she would pound my little fingers with the handle of a heavy silver table knife. I was left handed so it was difficult for me to use my right hand to eat with. Cleo served me chicken noodle soup and insisted that I eat it with my right hand. I spilled it while attempting to use my non-dominant hand. Cleo became further enraged and beat me with whatever she could get her hands on. Then drug me out to the porch by my hair where she found some rope and tied my hands behind my back, beat me some more and drug me back to the table, sat me in the chair and screamed at me to lap it like a dog because I was nothing but an animal anyway. I would like to say this kind of treatment was rare but it was not. I eventually learned how to use my right hand but have remained ambidextrous.
I never knew what was going to "set her off." Many times she would become angry at something and lock me out of the house. She would tell me to go sleep in the barn with the animals because that what I was anyway. This happened both in the summer and in the winter. I found out very young how to keep warm in the barn by covering myself with hay and placing bails just right around myself to keep warm. I have a vivid memory of spending one Christmas Eve in the barn and listening to hear if the animals could really talk on Christmas Eve at midnight. I had heard a story that animals can talk at midnight on Christmas Eve to celebrate the birth of Baby Jesus.
Many time, Lou, would sneak me back into the house after Cleo fell asleep. He would sneak me into his room and bed. I thought he was being kind because at least I was warm and did not have to sleep in the barn. I did not like the things he wanted me to do in his bed but who was I going to tell? I felt guilty for many years for going along with him. I have now come to the conclusion that I did what I had to survive. I also did not know that other children did not have to do this. I once told a christian counselor that who told me I did know it was wrong. I will get to that later. The point I am making here is that I had nothing to compare to what was normal. I was a child. The adults in my life were just doing more of what those befuddling adults did.
The pastor that eventually adopted me allowed one of his son's to work for Cleo one summer to help bale hay and bring in summer crops. One story my "family" likes to tell every time it gets together is about the time that Cleo became angry with me about getting grass stains on my pants. Cleo picked me up and threw me into the manure pile behind the barn. My "family" thinks it is hilarious to tell how I struggled to get myself out of the manure pile. No help just laughter and teasing is all I get. I fail to see the humor. I am constantly berated for not having a sense of humor about it. Being thrown into a manure pile was not my idea of fun. I was five years old. They wander why for most holidays I am a "no-show" for family get together's. They like to tell about how when I first came to stay with them they had to burn all my clothing because it smelled to bad. They like to tell about how many times they had to wash my hair in order to get it clean. I fail to see the humor in any of it. I guess I'm just a stick in the mud.

When I was eight, Lou became very ill with lung cancer. Once he became bedridden, Cleo became very cruel to him. I was the one who nursed him. One day I came home from school to find that he had shot himself in the head. He was dead. I found him. I will never forget that sight. Cleo was in Philadelphia seeing about her rental properties. I was alone. It was before the 911 system was in effect. I remember calling the operator to try and get help. Help finally came but there was nothing that could be done for Lou. It was at this time that the police starting questioning Cleo about who I was. She was to old to have a child my age. She kept insisting to the police that I was her daughter. I was not taken away from her then. It was the beginning of the state becoming inv

[Kitty]

I hit the enter button by mistake. It will not let me edit. :confused: I will try again later.

[Jerry]

Dear Kitty,,,
I am humbled and honored that you would share this story with us :o . Please continue ............................

Love Jerry

[Kitty]

Hi again. Sorry I had to take a little break. I still get overwhelmed when I try to tell my story. What is kind of strange is that for so many years I felt nothing. I could not cry. I could not make myself cry. Over the last few years I feel everything. My emotions at times are so raw. It is like I have a deep bruise that the slightest jar will cause excruciating pain. The difference is my "bruise" is emotional.

I want to take you back to that farm. The "farm" was located outside of Philadelphia. She owned 110 acres of prime real estate in this growing area. She owned between 20-30 horses. She would breed horse. The difference in the number of horses she owned depended upon the time of the year and how many foles she had. She also owned numerous cows, chickens, pigs, goats and other miscellaneous farm animals. There were slews of sickly, mangy dogs and cats. She usually had one or two dogs that were her favorites but the rest were not fed well. She meted out cruelty on the animals just like she did me.
She had one "farmhand" to help with the farm. He was not physically abusive to me. As a matter of fact, I thought of him as kind because he would help me. Her name was Cleo. She would beat me mercilessly. When I was really little I remember her getting extremely angry with me because I was left handed. I believe it was shortly after I came to live with her. I am not sure how old I was but I know I was not in school yet. According to paperwork that was found and testimony of others it appears she somehow got me when I was three years old. I think, perhaps, the story I am going to tell may have occurred shortly after she took me. Cleo became enraged at me because I was left handed. She screamed at me that being left handed was "evil." She was going to beat the devil out of me. At the beginning whenever I would reach for something with my left hand she would pound my little fingers with the handle of a heavy silver table knife. I was left handed so it was difficult for me to use my right hand to eat with. Cleo served me chicken noodle soup and insisted that I eat it with my right hand. I spilled it while attempting to use my non-dominant hand. Cleo became further enraged and beat me with whatever she could get her hands on. Then drug me out to the porch by my hair where she found some rope and tied my hands behind my back, beat me some more and drug me back to the table, sat me in the chair and screamed at me to lap it like a dog because I was nothing but an animal anyway. I would like to say this kind of treatment was rare but it was not. I eventually learned how to use my right hand but have remained ambidextrous.
I never knew what was going to "set her off." Many times she would become angry at something and lock me out of the house. She would tell me to go sleep in the barn with the animals because that what I was anyway. This happened both in the summer and in the winter. I found out very young how to keep warm in the barn by covering myself with hay and placing bails just right around myself to keep warm. I have a vivid memory of spending one Christmas Eve in the barn and listening to hear if the animals could really talk on Christmas Eve at midnight. I had heard a story that animals can talk at midnight on Christmas Eve to celebrate the birth of Baby Jesus.
Many time, Lou, would sneak me back into the house after Cleo fell asleep. He would sneak me into his room and bed. I thought he was being kind because at least I was warm and did not have to sleep in the barn. I did not like the things he wanted me to do in his bed but who was I going to tell? I felt guilty for many years for going along with him. I have now come to the conclusion that I did what I had to survive. I also did not know that other children did not have to do this. I once told a christian counselor that who told me I did know it was wrong. I will get to that later. The point I am making here is that I had nothing to compare to what was normal. I was a child. The adults in my life were just doing more of what those befuddling adults did.
The pastor that eventually adopted me allowed one of his son's to work for Cleo one summer to help bale hay and bring in summer crops. One story my "family" likes to tell every time it gets together is about the time that Cleo became angry with me about getting grass stains on my pants. Cleo picked me up and threw me into the manure pile behind the barn. My "family" thinks it is hilarious to tell how I struggled to get myself out of the manure pile. No help just laughter and teasing is all I get. I fail to see the humor. I am constantly berated for not having a sense of humor about it. Being thrown into a manure pile was not my idea of fun. I was five years old. They wander why for most holidays I am a "no-show" for family get together's. They like to tell about how when I first came to stay with them they had to burn all my clothing because it smelled to bad. They like to tell about how many times they had to wash my hair in order to get it clean. I fail to see the humor in any of it. I guess I'm just a stick in the mud.

When I was eight, Lou became very ill with lung cancer. Once he became bedridden, Cleo became very cruel to him. I was the one who nursed him. One day I came home from school to find that he had shot himself in the head. He was dead. I found him. I will never forget that sight. Cleo was in Philadelphia seeing about her rental properties. I was alone. It was before the 911 system was in effect. I remember calling the operator to try and get help. Help finally came but there was nothing that could be done for Lou. It was at this time that the police starting questioning Cleo about who I was. She was to old to have a child my age. She kept insisting to the police that I was her daughter. I was not taken away from her then. It was the beginning of the state becoming inv

It was the beginning of the state involvement. Her abusiveness increased once Lou was gone. I started missing more school that I attended because I was expected to take over Lou's duties. Mind you I was only 8 when he passed. She also made me sleep in the barn most of the time. I smelled like the barn and my clothes were filthy. I was unmercifully teased at school by both students and teachers. Not one person I can remember questioned why I came to school like that and many times with no lunch. I was paddled for stealing food from others lunches in that fundamentalist Christian school. I was also paddled for taking milk out of the cooler to drink because I had no money to buy it. No one seemed to ask why I was so hungry and dirty. When I look at pictures of myself from that time I look very malnourished. Why no adult noticed is beyond me. One thing that bothers me is that my "dad" has said he knew about me not getting enough to eat and that I was neglected. Why in God's name did he let me suffer if he knew?
One night I was awakened in searing pain and was all wet. I looked down at my arms and legs and noticed the skin was rolling back. Cleo was enraged because I had sneaked into the house after I thought Cleo was asleep to go to bed in the warmth. I found out later she threw boiling water on me in my sleep to punish me. She then wrapped my burns with strips of torn sheets. She put Bag Balm on the sheets and then placed it on my open seaping wounds. Bag Balm was used to treat cows chapped utters. When she decided it was time to change the bandages she would rip the bandages off. The makeshift bandages had stuck to my wounds. Every time she ripped the bandages off more skin would come with it. She continued this for three days. She never called a doctor or took me to the hospital. On the third day she called a nurse she knew to come over and look at me. She told the nurse that I had hurt myself. Cleo also told the nurse she did nothing to cause the injury. When the nurse came and saw me she called for an ambulance. The nurse said by the time she arrived I was in shock. I spent weeks in a burn center going through painful burn treatments and skin grafts. Social services again became involved. Cleo was not allowed to see me in the hospital. I was eventually released back to her care. The pastor and his wife came to see me in the hospital at the time. My "dad" told me for years he tried to tell social services about how abusive and neglectful Cleo was but they would not believe her. Unfortunately for him, my "dad" is a pack rat when it come it paperwork. I decided to do some snooping through his file cabinets and found a file tagged "Cleo." It turned out to be a treasure trove that exposed many lies. One of those lies included that he tried to tell social services to take me away from Cleo. I found a sworn affidavit that said he did not believe Cleo was to blame for my burns. His sworn affidavit said that I was clumsy! LIAR!
By the time I was discharged from the hospital Cleo had hired another farm hand. His name was Felix. He was in his 20's. Felix was perversely cruel. He brutally raped me on many occasions. It only ended with Felix when he attempted to rape a girl that lived across the street who came over to ride horses with me. She told her parents. I was called into the pastors office the next day at school. In addition to the pastor there were two children's services case workers. They questioned me with the pastor present. I remember one of the case workers remarking about how I must have a close relationship with the pastor because I kept glancing at him during the interview. I was not glancing at him because I had a close relationship with him, I was glancing at him because I knew if I said anything he would tell Cleo. Hello!!???

[Kitty]

It was the beginning of the state involvement. Her abusiveness increased once Lou was gone. I started missing more school that I attended because I was expected to take over Lou's duties. Mind you I was only 8 when he passed. She also made me sleep in the barn most of the time. I smelled like the barn and my clothes were filthy. I was unmercifully teased at school by both students and teachers. Not one person I can remember questioned why I came to school like that and many times with no lunch. I was paddled for stealing food from others lunches in that fundamentalist Christian school. I was also paddled for taking milk out of the cooler to drink because I had no money to buy it. No one seemed to ask why I was so hungry and dirty. When I look at pictures of myself from that time I look very malnourished. Why no adult noticed is beyond me. One thing that bothers me is that my "dad" has said he knew about me not getting enough to eat and that I was neglected. Why in God's name did he let me suffer if he knew?
One night I was awakened in searing pain and was all wet. I looked down at my arms and legs and noticed the skin was rolling back. Cleo was enraged because I had sneaked into the house after I thought Cleo was asleep to go to bed in the warmth. I found out later she threw boiling water on me in my sleep to punish me. She then wrapped my burns with strips of torn sheets. She put Bag Balm on the sheets and then placed it on my open seaping wounds. Bag Balm was used to treat cows chapped utters. When she decided it was time to change the bandages she would rip the bandages off. The makeshift bandages had stuck to my wounds. Every time she ripped the bandages off more skin would come with it. She continued this for three days. She never called a doctor or took me to the hospital. On the third day she called a nurse she knew to come over and look at me. She told the nurse that I had hurt myself. Cleo also told the nurse she did nothing to cause the injury. When the nurse came and saw me she called for an ambulance. The nurse said by the time she arrived I was in shock. I spent weeks in a burn center going through painful burn treatments and skin grafts. Social services again became involved. Cleo was not allowed to see me in the hospital. I was eventually released back to her care. The pastor and his wife came to see me in the hospital at the time. My "dad" told me for years he tried to tell social services about how abusive and neglectful Cleo was but they would not believe her. Unfortunately for him, my "dad" is a pack rat when it come it paperwork. I decided to do some snooping through his file cabinets and found a file tagged "Cleo." It turned out to be a treasure trove that exposed many lies. One of those lies included that he tried to tell social services to take me away from Cleo. I found a sworn affidavit that said he did not believe Cleo was to blame for my burns. His sworn affidavit said that I was clumsy! LIAR!
By the time I was discharged from the hospital Cleo had hired another farm hand. His name was Felix. He was in his 20's. Felix was perversely cruel. He brutally raped me on many occasions. It only ended with Felix when he attempted to rape a girl that lived across the street who came over to ride horses with me. She told her parents. I was called into the pastors office the next day at school. In addition to the pastor there were two children's services case workers. They questioned me with the pastor present. I remember one of the case workers remarking about how I must have a close relationship with the pastor because I kept glancing at him during the interview. I was not glancing at him because I had a close relationship with him, I was glancing at him because I knew if I said anything he would tell Cleo. Hello!!???

I was temporarily placed with in the nurses home whom Cleo had called when I was burned. It was the first time someone was kind to me and it did not cost me anything such as sexual abuse. It was the first time, my belly was full and I did not have to beg or steal to eat. It was the first time I had my hair brushed by someone else "just because." I was the first time I felt love. Unfortunately, it did not last long. Felix was in jail. Despite of what the nurse and her husband said I was returned to Cleo. The nurse has told me she was informed that Cleo's clergymen had said Cleo knew nothing of the what Felix had done. You can guess who the "clergymen" was. I was not with Cleo very long and was removed again because I finally realized I could speak up. I was again placed in the nurses home. Unfortunately, they were having marriage problems before I went to live in their home. Once the nurse decided to leave the marriage social services decided I could not remain in that home. It was against the rules at that time. The nurse was told to take me up to the pastor and he would take custody. I, of course, thought it was my fault. I begged and pleaded to let me stay by promising to be good. She attempted to tell me it had nothing to do with anything I had done but I was inconsolable. I also told her I was afraid of the pastor. She has since told me she believed me but had no proof. She was the one who had to drive me up to the church. She said I cried the whole way up there and she cried for weeks afterward.
The problems I am dealing with is that I was abused in every way possible. I was also abused spiritually by the pastor and the "family." This has all greatly affected me. Please help me.

[Spiny Norman]

Kitty, thanks for having the courage to share your story. It has obviously deeply affected you, which is totally understandable. I simply don't have the skills to know what to say to you that would be helpful ... other than "I hear you" and "I care". Perhaps it would be good to find someone you can trust to share these things with face to face? -- someone who has had training in counselling?

[Willow]

Dear Kitty,

Sharing the horrors of your story and being heard and loved are some of the most healing things I've found to help myself. These rooms have been a safe place for me to write and heal... and process and learn. There have been times that I needed more. I went to a recovery reatreat for 2 weeks once with a professional counselor. I also had to take anti depressants for a period of time. It's hard to find value in oneself after you have been devalued by those who are supposed to protect and nurture you. The up side of it is that process of mourning the loss and being comforted. We can comfort you here with words. Oh that we could figure out some way to comfort you with hugs and arms and faces... but because we all live in various places... words are a good start. It took me awhile to get to finding local support. Part of the time there wasn't any for me. My story isn't nearly as horrifying as yours. Yours is the worst I've ever heard! Thank you for trusting us with it. I'll do my best to bear it in the most worthy way.

HUGS (if OK)

Amy aka Willow

[Kitty]

Thanks Amy,

I appreciate your hugs :) Thanks. I am not using my real name because I am afraid of the backlash that would occur. I have received some counseling in the past from a psychologist but right now I do not have health insurance and cannot afford to pay for any out of pocket. I have cancer also. I am dealing with a lot because I had to move back to the area I grew up in to receive the necessary treatments. For years I lived 700+ miles away. I did start to confide in a pastor I thought I could trust a few years ago. When my "dad" came down to visit that pastor talked to him about what I had been saying in confidence. Of course, my "dad" denied everything and labeled me either delusional, thankless or just a liar. Anyway, I never confided in another pastor about anything. I am so glad I did not give the pastor I thought I could trust more details.

[Anna Marta]

Dear (((((Kitty)))))

You have touched my heart. If only we could, I think all of us would love to put real arms (instead of virtual arms) around you. Thank you for daring to share your story with us. Healing takes a long time and is a journey not an event. Sharing your pain with those who believe you, try to understand and hear you (not just your words, but your heart too) is so important.

I hope this forum will become a safe place for you where you can feel secure and valued.

Hugs and love to you,
Anna Marta

[FreeinJesus]

(((Kitty))) :(:(

I am at a loss for words at the abuse you experienced. I cannot fathom how human beings could treat people in the horrible abusive manner that you were treated!

You did not deserve to be treated that way. I am so very sorry for all you have been through.:( That was very WRONG what those...(I hestitate to call them) *people*....did to you.:(

I hope you can find some comfort from this forum. We can't physically hug you, but our thoughts & compassion are with you. I hope you would be able to get some kind of help, perhaps some counseling for abuse...don't some cities have this for free? (I'm not sure myself, but there could be some organizations that deal with what you have experienced)??

Kitty, you have shared a lot & I, like others, feel humbled reading your story. Please, feel free to post when you feel like it.....it must be hard when you look & finally see that "I WAS ABUSED"!:(
I know it cannot be easy for you Kitty.
Hang in there!
LOVE,
FreeinJesus

[riverdove]

Kitty, no words can describe how I feel after having heard your story. I'm almost to tears and totally speechless that you've suffered so much as a child and now as a grownup.... What those @#&*xt! people did to you is a crime. They ought to be brought to justice in the court. Are any of these people in jail yet?

Your story reminds me of another extreme case of child abuse and torture by a Baptist minister in Tennessee that I've read in recent years. She has been in the news quite a lot and there was a documentary done on her life account. The girl was physically, sexually, mentally and spiritually abused by her adoptive parents (the pastor and his wife). Both of them are now serving a jail term of 179 years! Justice has finally been served, but not without the girl's life in total wreckage. Here's a link to it--only if it will not affect you negatively and only if it will help you consider legal actions if you haven't already taken any.

http://www.sullivan-county.com/nf0/combs/

(caution: read only at your own discretion)

Kitty, you are already a hero to have gone through and survived these ordeals. I know the road to healing is going to be a long and hard one .... I can feel the deep sadness to your story..... Do you have a family of your own now and if so, are they supportive of what you've been through? Please do take care and very good care of yourself.

[FreeinJesus]

...They ought to be brought to justice in the court. Are any of these people in jail yet?


Ditto! wondering the same thing......I don't think they belong in mainstream society that's for sure.

[Kitty]

The statute of limitations is long up for any criminal actions to be brought against the pastor. Cleo is dead, I am sure God has taken care of her.
I have come to the painful conclusion that Cleo more than likely stole me. It has taken years to piece together what I do know about my "dad" knowing that I did not belong to Cleo.
I even have written to the Dr. Phil show but have backed off because I became frightened when I realized what I was doing. A lot of people still think my "dad" can walk on water. I know I would face a lot of backlash if I came out with all of this. I now live less than 10 miles from the "family." They do not attempt to help me even now that I am so ill. I do need help. I also would like to get it out there that things like this happen.
I am familiar with the Coombs case. My "dad" received an Honorary Doctorate from Hyles-Anderson College. If anyone knows what kinds of things Jack Hyles and Dave Hyles were guilty of, let's just say, nothing that happened to that poor girl surprised me.

[FreeinJesus]

..... My "dad" received an Honorary Doctorate from Hyles-Anderson College. If anyone knows what kinds of things Jack Hyles and Dave Hyles were guilty of, let's just say, nothing that happened to that poor girl surprised me.

Oh sh*t....I've heard about Hyles-Anderson.... whew!!
Whackjobs they are...not good.:(

I think it would be great if you could go on Dr. Phil about this..but I understand your fear. You have to do what you feel comfortable with.

I wish I had the courage to shout it from the rooftops what happened to my husband & I. I don't understand what holds me back, except that we still live in this state. Once we move from here, they'd better watch out...I wont be afraid to speak out then!!

I hope you have someone you can trust, in person you can talk to about this Kitty. We all need someone who can help us through & listen to us. I hope if you don't have that, that you will find someone to listen to you & help you.

Love,
FIJ

[Kitty]

Oh sh*t....I've heard about Hyles-Anderson.... whew!!
Whackjobs they are...not good.:(

I think it would be great if you could go on Dr. Phil about this..but I understand your fear. You have to do what you feel comfortable with.

I wish I had the courage to shout it from the rooftops what happened to my husband & I. I don't understand what holds me back, except that we still live in this state. Once we move from here, they'd better watch out...I wont be afraid to speak out then!!

I hope you have someone you can trust, in person you can talk to about this Kitty. We all need someone who can help us through & listen to us. I hope if you don't have that, that you will find someone to listen to you & help you.

Love,
FIJ

I don't know if you know this but Jack Hyles took up for Evangeline Combs adopted father. Jack Hyles called that sick adopted father of hers the best preacher in Christendom. I don't believe God is that hard up.
"Pastor" Combs graduated from Hyles-Anderson college and even taught Bible at the college for awhile before he took that church in TN.
My dad was deeply involved with Hyles and Bob Jones University. He is still involved with BJU. I know all about being judged. I went to BJU also.

[Kitty]

The Dr. Phil producers are interested in my story. I am the one who has cold feet. Does anyone think it would be helpful to go forward? I am scared. :eek: I do not know why I feel like I need to keep this secret. I know it is neurotic of me. I guess it was pounded into me so much that I should be thankful that they took me in.:mad:

[Anna Marta]

The Dr. Phil producers are interested in my story. I am the one who has cold feet. Does anyone think it would be helpful to go forward? I am scared. :eek: I do not know why I feel like I need to keep this secret. I know it is neurotic of me. I guess it was pounded into me so much that I should be thankful that they took me in.:mad:

Dear Kitty,

There is no "should" about it! What happened to you was real and extremely abusive and I would like to see you do whatever it takes for you to find healing! Actually since Dr Phil is a doctor, he may be a great source for finding a way toward a healthy solution. I would think you would be interviewed before the show because the show is obviously well prepared. That would the time to ask the questions about the possible detrimental after effects on you. I would imagine that you will be offered FREE counseling and help to get through.

IF the show really does take on this topic, it would be an explosion to the world of abusive Christians, IMHO.

Love
Anna Marta

[Willow]

The Dr. Phil producers are interested in my story. I am the one who has cold feet. Does anyone think it would be helpful to go forward?

Only if it would be beneficial to you and would promote healing and not further damage to your psyche.

[tetralih]

(((((((kitty)))))

Wow, I am still in chock over your story. I honestly can not find word to say/write. Thank you for sharing.

As far as the Dr. Phil thing. If you think it would help you then yes do it. If you think the con is greater than the pro, then don't. All I can say is your story could possibly reach another person.

Always feel free to share.

[JaniceB]

Wow! Kitty, you've found a place where people are open to hearing about abuse from the victim's standpoint. I know because I was severely abused too and they listen to me.

Someone said you were a hero just for surviving and I agree. Many have said that you are very brave to share with us all this trauma and I agree with that.

My feeling about people like us is that we need to share with the rest of the world in any way we can. It's a responsibility. It's good for us and it's good for others--at least others who are not abusive. When we share and how we share must be judged by our own needs, however. I would love to see you go on the Dr. Phil show but when the time is right for you.

Tell them that you're scared. Maybe they can help?

By the way, I can relate to the cow manure incident and the ongoing "joking" about it. It isn't funny. It was abusive and you could have healed from it by now if someone had been kind at the time. The "joking" just opens the wound and pours more manure into it. As far as being clumsy I know that I'm clumsy because I'm tense because I'm programmed to watch my back because I was so severely abused. So you probably are not clumsy but if you are even that is not about you.

Take care of yourself. Get well. Keep sharing. We all want to support you through this.

[Anna Marta]

By the way, I can relate to the cow manure incident and the ongoing "joking" about it. It isn't funny. It was abusive and you could have healed from it by now if someone had been kind at the time. The "joking" just opens the wound and pours more manure into it.

You are so right JaniceB. So much of what happens that others laugh at is certainly NOT funny! And the constant joking about it as time goes on does exactly what you say, opens the damn wound again and again! People love to rub it in when we do something embarrassing not thinking their joking is hurtful.

I used to hate it when people would make sarcastic jokes. I limped away like a wounded animal as everyone seemed to get a good laugh at my expense.

AM

[Kitty]

The jokes about the manure pile incident have forever etched the incident in my mind. I was young enough I do not know if I would have remembered it so vividly if I was not the brunt of jokes for so long now.

I always dread holiday visits with the "family." This incident and others are inevitably brought back up again

[Jerry]

The jokes about the manure pile incident have forever etched the incident in my mind. I was young enough I do not know if I would have remembered it so vividly if I was not the brunt of jokes for so long now.

I always dread holiday visits with the "family." This incident and others are inevitably brought back up again

Note to Kitty's Family;"But I say to you that for every idle word men may speak,they will give account of it in the day of judgment. For by your words you will be justified,and by your words you will be condemned."

[Reg]

Dearest Kitty,

Like Willow, yours is the worst story I've heard so far and I've heard some very tragic ones. We had a gal here once called Alice. Her's was a bit like yours. She has a website with Poems to help the healing. http://www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com/ I think you can relate to her a lot. Like Jerry, very humbled by you to share your story here with us.

Sweetie, all your suffering will have a reward. In all you've told us I do not detect any bitterness. That's remarkable. Like Alice your spirit seems to remain pure. That is very precious. God knows and understands what you've been through. Why He seems to stand back and let us go through these things at times I have a hard time to fully understand.

Another person who I think you can relate to is Joni Eareckson Tada. She's been through a lot. I read her book years ago and it helped me understand why good people still suffer a lot. Suffering has a tremendous upside to it few people seem to grasp. While the suffering is terrible in itself. I for one would not attempt to say this while they were in the midst of their suffering. All one can do then is just be there for support and listen. You don't have to say anything. They know you care by your presence and listening ear. Empathy is a great healer.

By the sound of it you have moved past a lot of it. I may be wrong. Anyhow, when I read her book "When God Weeps - Why Our Sufferings Matter to the Almighty" it helped me a lot.

She has developed a tremendous capicity to reach out and touch people in a way few seem to be able to do. I sense you may be a person like that also.

P.S. Thanks for making me one of your friends. I'm honoured.

[Reg]

Hi again Kitty,

Hi Kitty,

Here's a bit more about Alice you may want to read.
http://www.suite101.com/profile.cfm/alice78

BTW, her posts are still recorded on this site..

Here's a book "THE TRANSCENDENT CHILD" based on her story.
http://www.amazon.com/Transcendent-Child-Tales-Triumph-Over/dp/0060977205

She wrote: "I am the transcendent child of whom Lillian Rubin speaks of.

Book Review -The Transcendent Child by Lillian Rubin
The Transcendent Child is about children, who by succeeding in life, were able to transcend or overcome their deprived and traumatic childhoods. ... http://primal-page.com/transcen.htm

[Kitty]

I really am not looking forward to getting together with my "family" for Christmas. It will be a quick visit if they start.

[Kitty]

I wish I could say that all was well when I left home. I was married once when I was 23. We only lived together six months, although we were married for almost three years.
Looking back, I think I was running and "fell in love" with the first man who was nice to me. After high school, I had gone to a very strict fundamentalist university in the south. I was given no choice where I would go to college. I had looked at many colleges both Christian and secular. I had gleaned my list down to two. Neither of the colleges I chose were suitable according to my fundamentalist adopted father. He constantly said about my college choices, "Why ride a bicycle when you can ride in a Cadillac?" Clearly he thought my choices were poor. Nevertheless, I persisted in sending in my applications to the two colleges I had chosen. Unknown to me at the time, my father had filed an application with the college he wanted to me attend complete with him signing my signature himself. He also had been a graduate of this university and was a frequent speaker there. I never forget the day, he came home and checked the mail. He came in the house, sat down, looked at me and stated, "Kitty, your going to______. Here is your acceptance letter and enrollment package."
"What???" I replied.
He told me the decision was made and I was going.
I told him, "I don't want to go to _____, I did not apply to ____."
He told me, "If you cannot make good decisions, that is what God put me here for!"
It was at this time, I realized what he had done.
This was not the first time he had signed my name to things that were mine. I had a job at Hardees and had opened my first checking account. He had written checks on my account and signed my name to them. I was livid.
I told him that I was NOT going to the university he wanted me to go to.
He pulled out the old, "Well, your disowned then."
I was angry beyond words but I did not want to be disowned. I still have abandonment issues to this day.
As much as I resented doing so, the following August I was a student at the university he wanted to to attend.
The university was took legalism to the extreme. My personal observation and unfortunately my personal experience in fundamentalism was all I was taught was judgment for this, judgment for that. Doing the "right thing" became such a burden. Just when I thought I had all the right things down someone would either add more "right things" or change the definition of "right things." Soon I became so obsessed with doing "right things" that I forgot who I was to serve. I also found after many years that a lot of the "right things" I was taught as biblical mandates were instead man made rules.
It was dizzying to try to keep all those rules that were forever changing. I also found that when I had some real crisis in my life they did not have the ability to lovingly help me through the crisis. Instead I met, at the time I thought was God's angry face complete giant fly swatter ready to pound me with or lightening bolt hurling my way. The reason I received little help was because my counselor was not equipped to deal with issues that fell outside of his "rule set".
I had started having what I now know is panic attacks accompanied with bouts of depression while in college. I went to a "christian counselor" at the University who also happened to be the Dean of Students. I also went to the campus doctor who placed me on antidepressants that helped. At that time, I had not told my full story of my sexual abuse to anyone. I was gradually opening up to this counselor because the emotional boil I had was becoming so painful. My counselor made it clear, I should not take antidepressant's for what he called a "sin problem." I gave a very cursory abuse history. When I finished, he leaned back in his chair, put his hand on his chin and asked, "Have you every participated in the sin of masturbation?"
By this time, I had become quite adept at sarcasm. Although I was horrified by his question, I quickly replied, "Of course, I could teach a university level class on the subject!" My response placed me on "spiritual probation" as quickly as it took me to say it. I have since continued to cultivate a sarcastic sense of humor.:p Of course, after that comment I received numerous requests for my presence in the Dean of Woman's office. I was labeled rebellious because of my statement. I kept the rules in the handbook but the problem with this university is there are many unwritten rules. I had my salvation questioned so many times, I became sure after awhile, there was not a place in heaven for me. After awhile, I started asking the Lord to "save me" every night before I went to sleep because I was told so many times, "you never know when you are going to die, are you ready to meet Jesus?" At that time, I had my spirituality questioned at every turn and took it to heart, now I would agree with them, laugh, and most likely say "thank you." It is before God I stand and fall.
I still hurt. I do not know if I want the pain to completely dissipate. My repentance was questioned by some in the administration as whether it is "true" repentance or not. I not given a opportunity to "prove" myself. This happened to me personally, not someone I read or heard about. My "sin" was clinical depression resulting from major abuse that the results of had finally caught up with me.
I was greatly discouraged. I was hurt beyond words. I was kicked when I was down. Such treatment, felt worse at the time, than all the abuse I had suffered. I have not completely been able to "get over it" even now. I am not sure I want to completely get over it either, because I want to remember what it felt like to be judged non-spiritual for something lacking Biblical reasoning so that I NEVER do the same to some other wounded, limping Christian. I have first hand knowledge the kind of long-term spiritual damages such actions can bring.

[FreeinJesus]

....He told me, "If you cannot make good decisions, that is what God put me here for!"

..... all I was taught was judgment for this, judgment for that. Doing the "right thing" became such a burden. Just when I thought I had all the right things down someone would either add more "right things" or change the definition of "right things." Soon I became so obsessed with doing "right things" that I forgot who I was to serve. I also found after many years that a lot of the "right things" I was taught as biblical mandates were instead man made rules.
It was dizzying to try to keep all those rules that were forever changing. I also found that when I had some real crisis in my life they did not have the ability to lovingly help me through the crisis. Instead I met, at the time I thought was God's angry face complete giant fly swatter ready to pound me with or lightening bolt hurling my way. The reason I received little help was because my counselor was not equipped to deal with issues that fell outside of his "rule set".
I had started having what I now know is panic attacks accompanied with bouts of depression while in college.

....... I kept the rules in the handbook but the problem with this university is there are many unwritten rules. I had my salvation questioned so many times, I became sure after awhile, there was not a place in heaven for me. ..... I had my spirituality questioned at every turn and took it to heart, now I would agree with them, laugh, and most likely say "thank you." It is before God I stand and fall.
I still hurt. I do not know if I want the pain to completely dissipate. My repentance was questioned by some in the administration as whether it is "true" repentance or not. I not given a opportunity to "prove" myself. This happened to me personally, not someone I read or heard about. My "sin" was clinical depression resulting from major abuse that the results of had finally caught up with me.
I was greatly discouraged. I was hurt beyond words. I was kicked when I was down. Such treatment, felt worse at the time, than all the abuse I had suffered. I have not completely been able to "get over it" even now. I am not sure I want to completely get over it either, because I want to remember what it felt like to be judged non-spiritual for something lacking Biblical reasoning so that I NEVER do the same to some other wounded, limping Christian. I have first hand knowledge the kind of long-term spiritual damages such actions can bring.

((((KITTY)))) Oh my God!! I want you to know I'm thinking of you!!

What you wrote almost took my breath away. Though my situation was different in some ways, the judging part, the hurt part & a lot of what you experienced I can so relate to.
It does hurt to be judged & it's all the "prosecution" & no DEFENSE...at least that's how it was for my husband & I.
Not only was our spirituality held in suspicion & question, but we were harshly judged & through the use of scriptures we were compared to the "enemies of God".
Well...I might not obey men, but I certainly don't consider myself God's enemy!!
:(That hurt something awful.:(

Anyhow, you aren't alone in many of your struggles.
(((HUGS))) to you!
Freeinjesus

[Kitty]

Thank you free in jesus, Reg, JaniceB, Anna Marta, ex-shep, tetralih, and everyone else who has responded so kindly to my rambling story of abuse. I
need to get this out. Over the last year I have been going to a new church in Pennsylvania where I now live. I moved back here from the city where that university was located. The church I am attending how what is named
"The Counseling Center." They say it is staffed by licensed counselors from outside of the church. I do know that one of the counselors is an MSW. The church says it will either allow free counseling or counseling at a sliding scale for church people. My problem is I have been burned three times before by either college or church sponsored counseling ministries. Although the church counseling ministry I was involved with before did not use licensed counselors in it's ministry, privacy was guaranteed. Unfortunately, they "fibbed." Not only was it not kept private from my adopted dad but also soon my shepherding group leader knew my story so that he "could minister to me.":mad: In some upside down way, I was soon again labeled as a "troubled christian" because of my past and unacknowledged by me, at the time, every thing I did was scrutinized in that light.:(
Is there any "real world" support groups out there that deal with abuse such as we suffer? I do not think I could bear being labeled again in a church. I have no knowledge of this happening in the church I currently attend. They have been so caring and loving in other ways, but I am scared to risk it again.:(:confused::p:o:eek:

[FreeinJesus]

.... My problem is I have been burned three times before by either college or church sponsored counseling ministries. Although the church counseling ministry I was involved with before did not use licensed counselors in it's ministry, privacy was guaranteed. Unfortunately, they "fibbed." Not only was it not kept private from my adopted dad but also soon my shepherding group leader knew my story so that he "could minister to me.":mad: In some upside down way, I was soon again labeled as a "troubled christian" because of my past and unacknowledged by me, at the time, every thing I did was scrutinized in that light.:(
Is there any "real world" support groups out there that deal with abuse such as we suffer? I do not think I could bear being labeled again in a church. I have no knowledge of this happening in the church I currently attend. They have been so caring and loving in other ways, but I am scared to risk it again.:(:confused::p:o:eek:

Great question! I wish I could tell you there are, but I only know of that "Wellspring Retreat" I think it's in Ohio. It's kind of a detox from cultic/abusive religion or relationships. I wish there were more places or people to deal w/ these issues......maybe someday.

Take care & have as good a Christmas as you can....
fij

[Kitty]

This video touched my heart on several levels. I hope others enjoy it also..

http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=978838f900caad5e422d

[ex-shep]

I really am not looking forward to getting together with my "family" for Christmas. It will be a quick visit if they start.

Holidays or no holidays, you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.
I had a sister in a 12 step group get and leave a holiday gathering. She was not going to be abused for any reason. Apparently her folks were drinking and acting belligerently. She spent the rest of the day at an AA marathon and had a blast. I was really proud of her.

[ex-shep]

Great question! I wish I could tell you there are, but I only know of that "Wellspring Retreat" I think it's in Ohio. It's kind of a detox from cultic/abusive religion or relationships. I wish there were more places or people to deal w/ these issues......maybe someday.

Take care & have as good a Christmas as you can....
fij

By all means, call them. I know the staff well. This is what they specialize iin: spiritually abusive groups and abusive relationships. Wellspring has been able to helps hundreds of men and women in situations like yours. There is sometimes scholarship money available. It does not hurt to try. There is also Meadow Haven in Massachusetts and, I believe, a long term residential facility in New Hampshire.

You may also want to contact Bill and Lorna Goldberg in New Jersey. They open up their home once a month for a group meeting. They helped me the day I walked out of my group in 1984. They are great.

RE-Focus is a support group of former cult members. Their news letters are often times reprinted on the Forum. I have been to their meetings over the years.

ICSA has retreats for former group members. Might be worth the drive and breaking the piggy bank.

Also helpful might be Incest Survivors Anonymous and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. I have been in the latter since 1987. There are safe moderated online forums.

Hangeth on in there. We are rooting for you.

[Kitty]

dear ol dad stopped by today. He was nice for a whole 5 minutes and then started his criticizing. I told him I did not feel good and needed to take a nap, he finally got the hint and left 2 hours later when I just went in my bedroom and layed on my bed. GRRR!:mad: He does not respect any ones boundary's. It drives me crazy!:eek:

[Willow]

Is there any "real world" support groups out there that deal with abuse such as we suffer? I do not think I could bear being labeled again in a church. I have no knowledge of this happening in the church I currently attend. They have been so caring and loving in other ways, but I am scared to risk it again.:(:confused::p:o:eek:

There's one here in nashville that is specific to a certain group. I'm sure there are others out there. Have you googled cult support groups?

I attended WellSpring Retreat. It ain't cheap but was very very helpful

[JaniceB]

Is there any "real world" support groups out there that deal with abuse such as we suffer?

I used to attend Adult Children of Alcoholics and that helped. No one in my family drank but they were cool with it. My story fit right in with everyone else's in spite of the lack of alchohol.

I have also attended Incest Survivors Anonymous and Survivors of Incest Anonymous which both helped although I prefer the latter only slightly. The definition of incest in these groups is very broad and is basically refering to any child sexual abuse.

Another group that helped me was Co-dependants Anonymous or Coda. All of these are Twelve-Step groups and are open to anyone who is interested as far as I know.

[Jerry]

dear ol dad stopped by today. He was nice for a whole 5 minutes and then started his criticizing. I told him I did not feel good and needed to take a nap, he finally got the hint and left 2 hours later when I just went in my bedroom and layed on my bed. GRRR!:mad: He does not respect any ones boundary's. It drives me crazy!:eek:


Dear Kitty,,,,
Sometimes all you can do is get downright rude and blunt.You see he doesn't hear you,,,,he is too busy looking for your reaction to what he said :(

Love Jerry

[JaniceB]

You see he doesn't hear you,,,,he is too busy looking for your reaction to what he said

Well said, Jerry! I'll remember that for my own life.

[Kitty]

I have a question/thought.

I have been wandering if there is any correlation to the Stockholm Syndrome in abusive religious organizations.

"Stockholm Syndrome (SS) can also be found in family, romantic, and interpersonal relationships. The abuser may be a husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, father or mother, or any other role in which the abuser is in a position of control or authority."

It happens when:

" * The presence of a perceived threat to one’s physical or psychological survival and the belief that the abuser would carry out the threat.
* The presence of a perceived small kindness from the abuser to the victim
* Isolation from perspectives other than those of the abuser
* The perceived inability to escape the situation."

I was just wandering what others have to say about this?

[Jerry]

Yes Kitty (SS) absolutely fits spiritual abuse ;)

[ex-shep]

dear ol dad stopped by today. He was nice for a whole 5 minutes and then started his criticizing. I told him I did not feel good and needed to take a nap, he finally got the hint and left 2 hours later when I just went in my bedroom and layed on my bed. GRRR!:mad: He does not respect any ones boundary's. It drives me crazy!:eek:

One book that I found in helpful is Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. Any public library or used bookstore will have it. I have to cease communication with my parents and sister. I was never going to recover unless I made a clean break. Mind that is my story and only meant to be descriptive. Forward does offer some useful alternatives. Remember number one rule in recovery, "I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, that includes family.

[riverdove]

Thanks for bringing up the topic of Stockholm syndrome. It's new to me, so I went on to Wikipedia to read more about it :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome

I can relate it from the perspective of my own toxic family relationship. I have been very hurt by a very abusive and controling sibling so much so that it has complicated my recovery from spiritual abuse. Family dysfunction often spills over to all sorts of situations and it's not surprising that Stockholm syndrome would include spiritual abuse in religious places because the core of the problem of any abusive relationship is a misguided sense of power by certain individuals to control over those who deserve the same amount of dignity and respect as the perpetrators themselves. So, yes, I do see a lot of similarities. A control is always a control and an abuse is always abuse regardless how intimiate or distant the relationship is. Having said that, however, I think the more initimate the relationship is, the deeper the hurt. I realize that the hurt my family members inflict on me can be worse from the spiritual abuse I got from the church. Even though spiritual abuse can be devastating and traumatic, one can easily walk away from the church, but it's not easy to walk away from one's family members ... just my personal thought.

[hornblower]

I was talking to a christian friend of mine today (the only one I can trust even a little bit).....it felt so good to be able to be real and be myself be honest and completely open without being condemned.

Love feels so good when its happening why can't all of life be like that?

I am hurting so bad right now its unreal!

My husband and I had another huge fight, its like neither one of us can keep it going with all of the demands being made on us over and over again. My 'd' is so very sick and then on top of that this move and all of his work stress and now my health (the oncologist called me, I knew I wasnt up to par, but its hard to describe how Ive been feeling, I told her! Anyway yeah she finally looked at my blood tests ansd saw that my iron level is way down again, feels like bags of cement covering me up thats what its like. Sometimes I feel like I cant breathe and who knows whats causing any of it? They dont really look you know, no more cat scans for me!) grrrrrr

Then my friggin sister called me this morning with her paranoid stuff. Shes now changing her mind again and wants me to no longer give these coins my dad had to my son but now she wants these things sent to an appraiser and looked at and all of it to be split three ways.......

Get the picture idiots there aint no MONEY!!!!!!!!!!

This is the last of my disfunctional mean assinine family and I once again blew up big time.......just like the old days. I said to her all the things and I wish I could have said more. The hatred inside of me is so huge its eating me up and killing me!
I have never to my knowledge yelled at my little sister. To me she was everything she was the gentlest nicest person I knew but now I have seen the light she is worse than my brother ever thought about being and he was beyond crazy.......on grass, on women, on alcohol, you name it!

If anyone reads this please pray for me Theo if you are here please pray for me.
I dont know if Im right or wrong all I know is I hate people thats all I know.

I know I shouldnt be the way I am but its me all damaged and ruined just like I was all of my life. It feels like demons are raging all over me.

I hate to say it but its at times like this that I miss going to church. Seems like when things were good people would be kind and pray for me.

I cannot stand being controlled by people and it seems like the only people around me are controlling people.

Im so tired and unhappy and Im so tired of being that way.
whine whine whine yeah?
One thing I am missing about work is you had to keep working all of the time no matter what untill I felt like I would die sometimes from the sting in my back and my arms and hands and my brain would be fried, those women are tough let me tell you! They are tough as nails, mean yes, but tough, they could fry you with a look.

If New York is as tough as Texas and Ill bet it is.....my gosh Im wondering what kind of a catastrophe will hit this place?

Well I talk tough at times and people my husband and my sister and my daughter(her favorite thing)love to say Im crazy.......its like some sort of weird curse they have got on me.

Why do people have to be so firiggin mean all of the time? Im mean too now just as mean as they are Im mean right back.

Dear God help me I cannot stop sinning at all.

The only hope I have is Jesus.
I see how bad they are to me thats easy.........but then I cant take it any more and I strike right back at them. It doesnt work to strike back at all. I dont know what works? Nothing!
Nobody can tell me that God wants people to be like this I know He doesnt want us to be this way.

Sorry I keep writing Im so long winded I know.
Last night a movie was on and it Camille Claudel the sculptor. Im really a sculptor at heart I know I am thats my best work. I havent really been able to study it right and the jealousy in the potters was unreal but at times some someone would come in and almost cry at my work.......that tells me its there inside of me that passion flowing out in my hands.
Poor Camille Claudel and what Rodin did to her, you know that would have been considered rape in our day.......she went insane from what the persecution of her art and the people around her did to her.

I so relate to it all.

I wouldnt be surprised if my husband doesnt leave me. This is my fear, and he holds it over me, the poverty I would have, I dont know is this that syndrome?
My husband always has total control over me although no one knows it but me.

Is God trying to show me that I can leave my husband? Ultimately (I know nobody will resond to me about this because its a marriage and you know what the bible says)

He put his finger in my face and told me I couldnt hang my paintings up on the wall of our new house. Yelling at me, which he never does.....he asked me if I had thrown this old hanging bar thing away? I said I had, and then he started screaming at me, NO YOu havent! Yes Im pretty sure I did.
He picked this house out and is making me buy it with my own money. He wont even slightly consider the house I wanted.
He wont let me call my inheritance my money it makes him furious.

Theres so much more its hard to talk about. He always acts like hes going to smack me, and he says it too like hes going to smack me down and then he smiles.

He knows Ive been beaten up several times he should know how it makes me feel.

Im sorry I shouldnt bring this up here I know Im sorry forget it.

[riverdove]

Hornblower, I have been lonely in my struggle with one of my hurtfuls sibling too. I know how painful it is having to deal with it. She tries to assert her power and control over me and other members of the family. I have been in a codependent relationship with them and I do not like her playing head games with me through her manipulation. I'm trying to break free from her grib over me. My prayers for your situation and I can use a prayer too. Thanks.