I dont know what to call this?

[hornblower]

My pain is all I know right now. My pain is not as bad as it has been in the past so I guess I am or should be thankful for that right?
Our house or rather my parents house has sold as far as I know.
We now have a contract on another house and will hopefully be moving out and in on the 15th of january. Im working full time until then. Its retail so this is their inventory. Everyone works hard right through the new years day.
I have not had a really good holiday in I dont remember how many years especially at this time of year, its always been the worst for me. I have one relative left, my sister, and she and her husband hate us.
Now I hate them.
Ive given up in my trying to overcome hatred, its here, its inside of me. I hate. For years and years I have always tried to do what I thought Jesus wanted me to do which was forgive and to love but last year I realised I cannot do it at all any longer.
I confessed it in my sons church at their alter......just me and my God. I hate them Lord Jesus I hate them all! I hate all of my enemies and I cannot help myself any longer, I give myself to You if You are real and I can only assume You are? You are the One that appeared to me many years ago. If it wasn't real and its all a lie or I am insane or something what can I do about any of it?
I felt water flow all over me and wash me head to foot that time.
I still hate and I admit it, knowing Im imperfect and human and that all I can rest in is His sacrifice for me. I have nothing else to stand on at all.
I hate my sister and the way she is about me and my husband. I hate her for the way she never called me or helped me with my Mom and especially my poor Father. I hate her for never being there. I hate her husband even more. I hate his family for what they evidently have said about me.
I tried to do my best for everybody if its not acceptable, too bad!
This is where the cuss words usually start with me.
I hate the do good people that dont even have the time or guts to even listen to my story about my pain. I dont have time or energy for any of them any more. I hate them all.
I hate their church programs that say one thing but end up doing the opposite.
I hate my boss for being the boss. I hate the way she gets to take her bad days out on me. I hate everyone that I dont have the guts to stand up too and so they end up running all over me or so they think.
I have no answers for anyone or anything. I hate the way my so called best friend tries to tell me how to fix my life as if she knows anything since she cant even fix hers.
So in this way I feel I have joined the masses of people that hate. I hate myself for it. I used to desperately want to end my life so I wouldnt have to fight hatred any more but now I freely state that I have hatred in my heart.
This is who I am and what I have become.
Sometimes I hate my daughter. Sometimes I hate my husband. Sometimes I hate God. Sometimes I wish I had a great big rock to throw or and club to hit with.
Often at work I have to listen to all of the hatred from both bosses. One of them has a bull whip and a lot of guns he likes to shoot. Yep this is Texas, people dont just talk about hatred down here, they do something about it, yes they do.
Ive noticed that a lot of people love to tell about their hatred. And they did this and they did that! Your supposed to laugh or go go get 'em or something. I really dont know what to say to anybody because now I have joined their ranks.
Maybe I should wrap up a present and send it to hatred. I dont know what to send it since I cannot think of a thing it needs.......?
If you dont have any, good for you, but I do, so there it is, I have it.
I stand before you God just as I am please cover me with Your blood and save me somehow. I do not love my sister or her husband or the people at work since what is there to love? Only You know what love is and how it works I dont have it any more if I ever did?
Please dearest dear God that died for me have love and mercy on all of us as I know You do but Lord save me......please just give me some peace and let some peace and joy come to my husband and my daughter and myself we are so worn out and tired.
We are worn out from attacks. Your enemy is having a field day on our heads. I want to listen to You again and have peace and that joy thats all gone from me and has been for a long long time now.
I cannot stand the religious crap that comes out of my coworkers mouths every time Im around her. All of that TV crapeola. More hatred for people that dont even know you and she is no witness at all anyway talking about me behind my back.
Basically Lord Jesus I HATE the world and its ways!
I wish I could just spend all day today sitting next to YOU! Hold me again Lord. Help me experience You again for Christmas like you used to do?
I want to hold that little sweet baby Jesus and feel His sweet little head next to my cheek. Love where are YOU? I miss YOU!

[Hope 98]

I know how you feel.

I think it gets worse this time of year because there is this huge "supposed to be" hanging over all of our heads.

We are supposed to be happy and joyful and giving and sweet...

The gap between our hearts and our expectations gets so wide and deep that we often fall in.

Praying that you find something to ease the pain through the holiday, and things start getting better in the new year.

[jimsmuse]

Hornblower, I'm glad you came and posted I was just getting ready to ask about you. You give words to many of our frustrations I am sure. Thank you I felt like I vented too when I was reading this. You are not alone.

I pray you will feel held...I pray that for all of us...with all my heart....

[FreeinJesus]

((((Hornblower))))

[Anna Marta]

Thinking of you HB, good that you could visit and unload a bit. We care about you and hope you survive this holiday.

HUGS for you
AM

[butterfly]

[[[[[Hornblower]]]]]]]
Thank you for the post. Like Jimsmuse I felt like I was venting too.
It is hard for me to put things into words sometimes.
Here is some of my hates.
I hate to be a caregiver I have no life. My heart goes out to you have to deal with your sister and her hubby. Her not helping you during your time taking care of your mom and dad.

I hate Christmas time !! All the hurt it brings.
The smiley christians who have abused all of us on this forum.
I hate the most is there a God or not????
Most of all I hate hurting all my life and being left without a loving caring God.
See you are not alone I guess we are on hate st toghter.
Then I think of hate st as finaly feeling st.
Miss seeing you here. I peek in .
Love shirley

[JaniceB]

Hornblower, I'm so glad you're back. I was worried about you and there's a thread out there somewhere to prove it.

You aren't the only one who hates and if you hate, you hate. The worst thing any of us can do is to try to force our feelings to change. I'm so glad you shared it with us and you let God know your heart. He knew it already but it's good for us to tell Him anyway.

Take care a make beautiful beaded work and someday we'll meet and you can show me how. Don't put any Santas on them if you don't want to. I do better with Christmas than I used to but I'm not about to embroider any Christmas stockings or go to church this week, for that matter.

[Jerry]

Love where are YOU? I miss YOU!

Luke8 vs 49-56 ..................Read this to the little girl in the mirror ;)

[SueJean]

Ohhhh, HB, oh, my dear, I just want to hug you. Ohhh, thank you for sharing some of your pain, your anguish, your frustrations, your disappointments, your anger, yourself. Hugs a bunch. Thank you for having the courage to share, for putting into words...I just want to hug you. I do. I'm uncertain as to what to call what I feel either: this pain -- grief -- especially this time of year :( ... especially this time of year. Oh, my dear, hugs a bunch.

[hornblower]

here it is........tomorrow is coming very soon now. Well go to my sons house where everything is good and safe and kind I hope anyway it appears to be anyway. Thats how little I trust anything any more. My daughter is out with a guy she has met. I dont trust him, he is a street person, since he was fourteen years old he has been, and he has HIV. They have already been in bed with each other.
My daughter is so completely naive, its unreal!
We went to church with my son tonight. I thought about our baby Jesus and my babies and how much I dearly loved them and wanted everything to be good and then it wasnt at all good for her my one and only daughter, the only person in this world I could call my own........the one after me you know what I mean?
My brother in law has said some really awful things to my husband and so its beyond helping how I feel about both of them, my sister and her stupid husband, they can rot for all I care.
I thought while I was in church and crying like I always do these days because Ill never be able to fit in any longer and Im no longer sorry about it at all either...........there are so many terribly hurt people.........Im glad I am one of them and not happy.
Why should we walk around happy anyway? Was Jesus happy knowing all of the uglyness here on this earth? I doubt that He was. He knew what He was going to have to suffer. Maybe He even sort of knew it as a child. I think in a way I knew it too.
The only real joy I have ever known was my babies and my Jesus and His love I once felt.
Some day I believe my joy will come back I will be with Him again and I will know true peace. We all will I believe it will happen for us if we continue on being honest and real and believing anyway.
Our birth was like that night when it all began in the beginning. We were alone and then that small baby came to us in ourt lonliness and showed us the way we were so happy about it. Everything was brand new just like a newborn child, sweet and soft and so much love. Then the persecutions started and the twisting and the lies and then the pain and the murdering of our very souls.
We were tortured with Him this is what I believe. We are His fellow outcasts.
Im not sorry any more to be counted as one of them.
Im not afraid to be weak or afraid, its allright.
Like this pastor said tonight at that church. Jesus didnt come for people that can pull them selves up by their own boot straps and be strong and invinsible. Its allright to be strong..........on the outside if you know on the inside that you arent and you are asking God to help you.
We are not here to impress this world we are here to be Gods children and what He looks at is our hidden hearts.
Humility.
We can never have enough of it.
God doesnt want us to suffer and be tortured any more than He wanted Jesus to be treated that way either but the enemy of God just keeps on coming and going at us, so it is the way it is.
I do love you my sweet baby Jesus..........I dont understand it all but I dont have to understand it all either. You are my intelligence and my strength and my courage and my laughter, and You are who You are, You know what I need and what I am here to do and tonight thats all I am needing is You.

I think its going to finally be over with this house. Theres a contract on it, we have had some miracles come our way, no mistake about it they are real ones, thankyou for praying for us.
In the end what I hate is evil. Its all around me. I hate evilness and always have and I simply hate it more and more. I am not saying that the world is evil and I am not, on the contrary, I am absorbed in sinfulness, I hate myself. And I love these people and myself too.
Happy birthday all.
All we need is to born again thats all.
Born into a new world where things are not this way but better than here.
I love this world too dont misunderstand me please?
I love you sweet forum, you are my real family my real sisters and brothers.

[Hope 98]

There was a church nearby that hosted a "Blue Christmas" service this past Sunday afternoon. It was clear that the service was designed in response to the needs of people who were struggling with sadness at a time when we are all "supposed to be" joyful.

It was clearly patterned to address people who were grieving the loss of a loved one within the past year, but stretched into any circumstance that could tear at a person's heart.

The service included a lot of things we typically recognize in a worship service at Christmas time. It also turned the picture far enough to the side to uncover the parts of the story we avoid in our habit of celebrating Christ's birth.

We look back on the "virgin birth" with wonder now that we have the life and death of Jesus retold for these hundreds of years. We forget that Mary was subject to the doubts and shame of those who knew her. Even Joseph thought of "dismissing her quietly" until God spoke to him in a dream.

Yeah - that hit me where I live right now.

But, if that wasn't bad enough, Herod chose to kill all the Hebrew children under 2, rather than risk losing his throne to the King of the Jews. Yet it was never his throne that was in jeopardy.

And there it is - the event we appropriately celebrate - squeezed tightly between shame and horror.

How many years before anyone but the shepherds and maji began to recognize the gift?

How many decades before the death and resurrection that proved the Christmas baby's unfathomable value?

How many hundreds of years until even half the world had heard the story?

And how many millions of times does "the church" miss the point of the message?

And yet it grows in some hearts even after all of that...

[SueJean]

Hornblower, hugs, hugs, and more hugs to you. The one sentence about being His outcasts...oh, yes, I better understand. My dear, may this coming year reveal even more to you of GOD's purposes and plans for you.