ok, venting time for me

[Janice]

Guess I need to get some stuff off my chest. No need to repond, just venting.

Lets see...I'm very leary about going to church this morning. Hubby & I turn the heat on Sat. nights for Sunday and we always get a bulletin then.

I read that this mornings sermon is entitled, "What would it take to see another move of God like our forefathers saw?"

My immediate response and thought was, "Well gee Pastor, if you start practicing what you preach then maybe we will!". ( I know, that was very uncalled for and very sarcastic) but that's how I feel. I don't even feel like going but, I will and, I will try to move past my feelings and get to God but, I'm afraid it's hopeless.

Now...the pain meds! I'm still on them. Nope, I don't need them but still taking them. Taking more than I should. I ran out last week and called my psyc and begged for more. I was honest and told him I took too many & that's why I ran out.

I told him I would take them as directed so he gave me enough to last until I can get them refilled next week. ( I STILL have 2 more refills left on them! Thats 240 more pills!!!) And this addict probably will NOT take them as directed and run out again, and go thru withdrawl, and hate herself like I already do!

I wish, I wish, I wish, I could take them like a normal person! I take all my other meds as directed but I just LOVE these pain pills! They make me feel like "Wonder Woman".

My next appt. with my psyc is March 15. Already I am trying to think of what I can say so he will give me more refills! Is that stupid or what???

Every day I wake up and tell myself, 'Ok Janice, you will only take 1 pill at at time today and only take 3 or 4 pills today!".....then every night I say to God, "I'm sorry I failed, help me to take them correctly from now on." and, when I wake up I take 2 anyway, even though I feel Him nudging me and reminding me that I asked for His help, I just don't recieve it!

Stupid, stubborn me! Have to do things MY WAY all the time and I know by now that "my way" doesn't work but, I still continue to do it!

So who knows, maybe today I'll recieve some sort of "miracle" that will finally get me to take these pills like I'm supposed to.

I'm scared to death of running out! I know if I keep taking more than prescribed, I WILL run out. "Oh, I'll just worry about that when it happens", I say. But, then it happens, and then I'm withdrawling, and then I go nuts!!!

*sigh* SAME BULL....DIFFERENT DAY!

[Willow]

(((((((((Janice)))))))))
I'm glad you're back!
Hang in there Sis. I'm surprised your psych didn't offer some kind of help :mad:

[Voyager]

Janice,

I can relate with your plight. I, too, have had problems with pain pill addiction. I was prescribed hydrocodone prior to getting shoulder surgery (which was caused by years of standing up with a heavy bass guitar strapped to my shoulder while in the music ministry). The pills got rid of my physical pain... and my emotional pain - hey, what a bargain, right? Wrong.

I hope you can get away from the pain pills and find healthier ways to medicate you mental anguish. It's all in our mind. We can choose to live healthy, or live unhealthy. I'd like to tell you that I have this mastered, but I don't.

If it gets too bad, you need to seek help Janice. There's nothing wrong with saying to a doctor, "You gave me something and I am addicting to it - you need to help me!" Even if it means an outpatient rehab for a few weeks, it will be worth it.

Substance abuse always make us feel worse about ourselves, not better. Hang in there sis - we're here for you!

:cool:

[Voyager]

P.S. - If you start scaling back gradually, you can ween yourself from the pain pills without much discomfort. But you may need the help of a professional to do this - especially if you feel out of control with them.

Please keep us posted. We care about you!

:cool:

[Janice]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks for the encouragement and all of you are right I know.

Didn't RECIEVE my miracle yesterday. I'm really not sure I know how to recieve at all! Whether it's God's love, His healing, or His deliverance.

What did I do this morning????.....I TOOK 2 PILLS!!

I got 60 pills on Jan 11 and I have exactly 12 left. If I take them the way I have been, they will be gone tomorrow and I can't refill them until next week.

So...if I take no more today, then 1 or 2 every day till then, I will have enough and not have to go thru too much. Even though the withdrawl is awful (heart races, blood pressure rises, chills, sweats, shakes, etc). I tell myself that the withdrawl is no where near as awful as my pain was!

Still...I know it's not good for my body, the witdrawl or taking so many pills. I just don't seem to care enough about Janice to worry about it. My own personal health has never been an incentive for me to stop anything whether it be the drugs, alcohol, or the smoking.

Yes, weaning myself would be much easier. I have done that in the past. I've given the bottle to my hubby and asked him for help with them. He helped me, he kept them under lock & key and didn't tell me where the key was but, I am stupid & stubborn. DON'T TELL ME I CAN'T DO SOMETHING CAUSE I WILL PROVE YOU OTHERWISE EVERY TIME! I searched, and searched until I found the key!

What an idiot!

[4trustful one]

I don't think that you are stupid, stubborn or an idiot, Janice. I think you are a brave woman to share with us your struggle. :o

[Kerrin]

Thanks for being so honest Janice.
In my 1st counselling session, for PTSD, I had to admit to my abuse of Valium and codeine.
I'VE gone through 120 Panadeine forte in less than 2 weeks, (It's the equivalent of tylenol - something), 30mg of codeine in 1 tablet.
My G.P has been great in lowering my valium dose ,(been on it for 10 years), to 1/2 what I was on 6 months ago. But I take an anti-depressant now so I can seep and relieve the anxiety a little.
I'm in a panic now because I have no more pain pills, and I like the "feeling", so I'm thinking up all kinds of excuses to get myself another prescription tomorrow.
I just feel I can't cope without them, or the "numbness" will go away and I'll have to "FEEL"!
The best thing is now finally admitting it and getting some professional help.

NOT the kind the "church" offered me, which was "we'll pray for you, and uh, oh, you're still addicted so you're faith is weak, and the enemy has you in his grip so you are a risk to the "flock".........blah,blah,blah, thanks for nothing!!!"
This was over about 5 years, until I was so isolated I felt like a Leper, and left.
Sorry, again, this was your vent!(But I still want those pills).
Kerrin ;)

[Janice]

yep kerrin, I want them too!

I think I remember the pharmacy telling me last week that I can refill on the 19th. (I sure hope so.) Got 60 pills a week ago and I have 2 left. Trying to wait as long as I can before i take them but....we shall see. If I can't get them then I can't call the doc again. I looked like enough of an idiot last time! I'll just have to wait a week if they won't refill tomrrow. (not looking forward to that if it happens)

[Kerrin]

[QUOTE=Janice]yep kerrin, I want them too!

It's so pitiful the lengths I go to to get these pills, and the anxiety and fear at "running" out!
Today I've wasted half a day going from chemist to chemist buying over the counter stuff to try and "make up", a dose that "numbs" me.
It's amazing that no-one knows (except my counsellor), and I feel soooo guilty, and think I'll go for a walk , and i REALLY want to, but I just can't. I'm already stressing about my next counselling session; what raw emotions will erupt this time?? :(
I'm praying for you to get through the next few days......
Love , Kerrin

[Janice]

thanks kerrin but i deserve no prayers

[Kerrin]

thanks kerrin but i deserve no prayers

;)
Whilst you sit in the mud stuck! And rightfully so...
I will pray for you anyway, because, if nothing else, I NEED it.
And you will never know the encouragement you are to me in my struggle as I sit here at nearly 1am, again!!! Stuck!
So dear sister cop a prayer or two from over here!
Love you,
Kerrin! :p

[Janice]

[

;)
Whilst you sit in the mud stuck! And rightfully so...
I will pray for you anyway, because, if nothing else, I NEED it.
And you will never know the encouragement you are to me in my struggle as I sit here at nearly 1am, again!!! Stuck!
So dear sister cop a prayer or two from over here!
Love you,
Kerrin! :p[/QUOTE]


Kerrin, if I had any to spare I would mail you some!