FYI - change in my status

[Michael]

I turned off my private messaging. It's to protect myself from myself, not from any of you. I've gotten in very complicated situations in the past when I avoided Tim's advice not to privately contact members of the opposite gender from this forum. I wounded and caused harm for others because I was selfish and immature. I've avoided private contact with others in here since then, and I want to avoid that here now.

I lied to myself about the innocence of chosing to leave myself open to PMs when I registered. This decision is not about anybody else. I am only responsible for my own actions, and this is part of "keeping my side of the street clean".

Seeing as this is a change in my status, I want to be very clear that this is not because of anyone or anything in here. It's just because I know who I am, a sex and love addict. I am also an accomplished liar, cheat, and thief, who still practices those skills all too frequently.

In His grace,

Michael

[Emerging]

Thank you for sharing this, Michael. That took courage and it's a great sign of healing imho.

Today as we watched Cool Runnings and the coach tells one of the Jamaicans why he cheated in the Olympics, he replied something like:

"I did it because I had to win. I made winning my whole life. Winning had become everything to me, so I did whatever I had to to win."

When I heard this (for like the 5th time!) ... finally it got through to me and I knew I needed to subsititute for "win" ...

"not feel pain" ... "not feel terror" .... "not feel ... anything bad" ... which also included "not feel anything good" .... boiled down is "not feel".

Will I really do "anything" to not feel? Well, I've become someone I don't know at all ... since I'd do anything to not feel. I've let go of so much that brings me joy so that I wouldn't feel ... anything ... including pain .... I live a life that just might be centered on hurting myself as subtly as possible, but it's to hurt myself because I have gotten so close to becoming she who hurt me worst of all, my mother. Clearly need to run this by my counselor, but I think what once was a killer survival mechanism ... is now just a killer mechanism that is slowly draining the life force right out of me.

So join the club, Michael. We have all developed so many killer strategies for surviving ... strategies which just aren't working anymore. Instead, they are leading to way too many behaviors that are just toxic. '

imho you are right on - if any of us find that we are abusing the PM feature the kindest action for us to take is turn it off. Thank you for your brave example.

PS - how are things on the medical front?

[Michael]

My medical status: has not changed much. On Oct 6 I start on Sandostatin. One test injection of the short-acting version to see whether or not I am allergic to it. Then, if that goes well, I begin the long-acting drug -- one injection every 20 days.

Since I posted about this last time, I've heard from another person who is going bald because of the medication. She used to have a head of beautiful thick hair and now it's coming out in big clumps. Alopecia (hair loss) is not a common side effect, but almost half the people I've "talked" to, who are taking sando, have experienced it. I may have mentioned this before, but one women mentioned that her husband (who is on sando) has smoother legs than she does now, and he does not shave them. That makes me a little nervous, but God will not allow anything like that to happen to me without a purpose. Plus, it's something over which I have absolutely no control. I take the drug, there will some side effects. I don't take the drug, and it hastens my death.

In His Grace,

Michael

[Janice]

So you'll have no hair, no biggie.

Your hair is not what your wife or this forum loves about you anyway :p

Hang in there.

[Janice]

Thanks alot!

I wouldn't want to talk to me either.

[Emerging]

But (((Janice))), ... we LIKE you!!! (even if some of us have lives that are tooooo busy for keeping in better contact with those we care about.... :confused: :o :)

[Sheep]

Michael,

Just wanted to say that around the issue of private messenging that you did some good boundary setting! I know that for me there have been little or no personal boundaries in my work place, in my church activities, with my friends and extended family members, in my home life, etc. I first felt permission to do this when I read about our Lord withdrawing from the crowds. There were so...many needs and so.. many people that wanted His healing, yet He went to be with the Father when He needed to.

Regarding your apprehension around the side effects of the medication...I can relate to the need to control. There have been instances where I wanted to be in control of the outcomes of a situation, but God has shown me that it is only an illiusion that I am in control. I have a thryroid condition that I am powerless over. Surrending this to God on a regular basis has been good for me. The synthroid dose isn't quite figured out yet so I am left with fatigue, weight gain, and some depression.

There are other situations in my life that I just plain need to grieve over. I have had significant losses in my life where I didn't grieve and it affected my physical health in a negative way. Here again, I felt permission for the first time in my life to fully grieve when I read about our Lord and Lazarus. He wept openly and unashamedely even though He knew He'd be raising Him from the dead and having supper with him! (I used to know that this was just the shortest verse in the Bible!) God has shown me that not only is it okay to grieve, but necessary. So I am learning from our Lord on this journey of mine called "human living".

God's blessings,

Sheep

[Michael]

Thanks alot!

I wouldn't want to talk to me either.

Janice,

If you reread my post, I hope you will see that this is not about you or anybody else in here. I tried to be clear because I didn't want anyone to feel that my decision meant I was rejecting them in any way.

It's a boundary I need to keep myself away from the edge of the cliff. Because when I fall off that particulary cliff I drag others with me, and I will not do that again. Been there, and although dancing on the edge of the cliff may be exhilarating, landing at the bottom of the cliff sucks big time.

In His Grace,

Michael

[Janice]

I apologise for the outburst Michael. I was very excited when I found I could talk to you. I've grown very fond of you as a brother in Christ.

I understand why you turned off your private messages. Probably a very good move on your part. I wish I was that sensible & strong.

Rejection is such a part of my life I thought you were doing it too.

No hard feelings my brother.

[Michael]

Janice,

'm glad you understand. In no way am I rejecting you. I value you as a friend and have appreciated you since you first came here.

In His Grace,

Michael