hi :)

[AugustRose]

I'm here and checking in! I liked the old forum better, but I do like all the instant messaging stuff on this new format.
Not sure what to make of a new e-mail from my mom today that arrived out of the blue. It feels like she is pestering me for information about my life as usual, and is still in the worried mom mode, or what I call the "Mom as reporter of world events" mode. Thing is, on the surface to someone on the outside the e-mail would look like a nice, if formal and surfacey, email. Not sure whether I am reading too much into things or no. It also feels very religious in its tone.
Whenever I get a note like this, I am always wondering if my limited contact with my Mom was an overreaction. Not moving out :) , that was waaaayy overdue :rolleyes: just how formal and stiff things have become between us. But on the other hand, I just feel like I am getting an unwritten message of "All the crazy stuff that you said to me in the hospital is going to be 'forgiven' and swept under the rug, and not taken seriously, because after all you were mentally ill when you said it and didn't know any better." :mad: I *hate* crap like that... spoken or unspoken. ( For viewers of this message who are unaware, I confronted my mom on some boundary issues and such, while I was hospitalized for clinical depression a year ago. I did so in a structured "when you did X, I felt X" format, and she basically rejected my reality and was more interested in defending her version of things than really listening. The family week outcome was basically me moving out without the support of my family, and going on limited contact with my mom)

Otherwise, things are going well. Would love to chat with any of you on yahoo. Talk to you all later.

[Emerging]

(((AugustRose))), boy don't our parents have their issues too?!?! Which is fine *when* they work on them. Otherwise, they can make our lives pretty miserable.

imho if your Mom hasn't apologized for anything yet, she's still trying to get you back "under her spell", and back down where you used to be, a great rug for her to walk all over? My mother never ever told me anything of depth and true worth, just whatever sounded like you said, "surfacey" and designed to ferret info out of me for her *use*. In fact, my mother said that any memories I had were planted by shrinks. :rolleyes: Geez but I really wish they were!!! (As I told people before, after a particularly bad beating my dearly departed great grandmother appeared to us all and told my mother how my memories would be sealed up until such a time as I could deal with them ... and when they began to return, my mother was ordered to do nothing to impeded their normal return and processing. She chose to not obey an angel of God ... yeah, maintaining no-contact with someone that hardened is like oh so wise.)

I have had live my life away from my whole immediate family. All the games, including not telling me about babies being born!!!, going behind my back to my ex with whatever they did learn about me :mad: ... they are horrible people and for me to pretend otherwise is not just foolish but also dangerous ... for both me and my children.

It's great that you were able to confront her even though her web of deniability was and still is very strong. That she chooses to still pretend like she has no issues is very sad. :( At least you will be able to move forward in your healing and only be able to better deal with her stuff as time goes on. And, be ready for the time, whether on this side of the veil or the next, for her sincere apologies and to love her and let her safely back into your life when it's *safe* to do so.

Keep taking good care of you and more later! I hope you can have some great convos via IMing. :)

[Satscout]

My two cents:

There is nothing wrong with protecting yourself from your mom's B.S. :mad:

You continue in my prayers, ((((((dear sister)))))).

Sharon

[Jerry]

Dear AugustRose,,,,
You state in your post that your mother is denying your reality.I suppose that that is how it feels,,,,but I doubt it is accurate.Oh she is in denial all right but what she is denying is HER reality....While her daughter is getting better and moving in a positive direction with her life ,,,,,,she is simply marking time at best...Perhaps your roll in the maternal relationship with your recovery is taking a new twist.It could be that you will have to be the "Kind and Compassionate" daughter because you are getting better each day.If you must limit contact,,,,,,so be it.You must keep yourself safe.....Maybe you just need to get the confidance to say,,,,,,"Oh well,,,,,,Mom is Mom".I too have been in roughly the same place you are and I learned this................Kindness and Compassion,never require an apology ;)
Love Jerry

[Sheep]

Dear AugustRose,

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time with your mom. It sounds like you are taking care of yourself and that's what really matters. This is a relationship area that I really struggle in too. We are not crazy...we just grew up in a sticky spider web that we had to wrestle free from! Congratulations on your new freedom...

Sheep

[AugustRose]

for all the support and validation.
I made the mistake of answering the e-mail. :/ Sigh....
I was still in the place of wanting her to change and thinking that confronting her b.s indirectly or something would somehow change her. Nothing that big of a deal, just an internal slip up of mine.
The reality is: My mom is in denial. I am probably the last person that she would listen to anyways, since I am the daughter, the child, the mental case to her.
And... also, I am probably engaged in a lot of "mind-reading" when it comes to trying to decipher my mom's intentions and motives for how she interacts with me.
Jerry, thanks for the support. I'm confused though...what did you mean by "Kindness and compassion don't require an apology." (besides what to me is obvious: Don't ever apologize for being kind. Kindness is a good thing. :) )Can you give me some context for your statement.
Just gotta accept that my mom will do things that are annoying and manipulative, and things that generally feel designed to get under my skin. Like ", given that you *probably* have hung out with your sister, no need to share about China"(my sister is in China right now) To which my immediate response is : Stop playing games, Mom. You know that I've interacted with my sister recently, no probables about it. And why do you seem to feel this need to compete with my sister as the person who gives the news about China. Without even giving any news about China. You could just say, "hey, Karen, have you heard the latest? Forgive me if I'm repeating what you already know but... and then tell me. Just be direct and stop beating around the bush and pretending that you don't know something that you already know: Kathryn and I are interacting and seeing each other... you and I are exchanging an OCCASIONAL email.
igggg.... enough already. just goes to show I have a long ways to go in my recovery if this is still bugging me.
bleahhh. and then there's her commentary which is about everyone else's life besides hers, and her assumption that I know certain things about my relatives that I know nothing about.
okay why does this bug me? so silly that it bugs me.
oh well. thanks for listening to me ramble on and on. and on :D
:/

[Jerry]

Dear Rose,,,,
What I ment was that sometimes in the heat of the moment we say things that can come back to bite us in the,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,ummmm,,,,well you know what I mean.But if we disipline ourselves to be kind and compassionate,,,our ummmm you know :D remains free of "Bite Marks"
Love Jerry

[AugustRose]

:D :D
You crack me up Jerry! Thanks for the laugh!
:D

[Jerry]

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! I just read my own post to rose,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Will someone please remove this log from my eye?????? :eek:

[Janice]

August Rose,

Thinking of you. My mom moved in with us this past Monday. Consider yourself lucky. ;)

[Theodora]

...that I continue to think about you and your situation with your mom and to keep you in prayer. I think you've shown tremendous maturity in 1) being able to work WITH your possibilities/limitations AND hers as well. I'm so very sorry for your continuing struggle to define a healthy relationship with her and, from my own dysfunctional past, can empathize with your longing to be ABLE to have a loving relationship without also being "controlled" by unhealthy attitudes out of your mom. It really made me so very sad to think that, even in a hospital setting, that your mom was so "near-sighted" that she could not validate your feelings, but needed to justify her own. I hope you can continue to see that that is HER "problem, " NOT yours.

----

Long.....personal response ahead. Read at leisure, "FWIW/FYI"--

Beyond that, dear child of God....I also wanted to thank you for having shared as much as you have about your response to your mother....with whom I can also identify in many respects, as you may remember. It's REALLY hard to know where and how our "good intentions" as parents, trying to help our children, have become "co-dependent" OR really, as you have pointed out in your relationship with your mom, too "controlling," needing to have things go "OUR" way by way of some sort of validation of ourselves as parents/people of "worth" too. To put it mildly, your situation has given me much cause for self-examination/reflection and, I hope, that it has also given me at least SOME insight into seeing where and how I might be "triggering" my new daughter-in-law...and perhaps my son as well.

I'm not sure if you've caught my recent major news, but my younger son, now a Marine, is flying home tomorrow and will re-affirm his wedding vows with his bride at our Methodist church a week from tomorrow. I've been arranging for a kind of "Open House" before the 6 p.m. wedding so that the families/friends will have a chance to catch up on news...AND, for MOST....to MEET for the first time before we see our children "leave the nest." (My son and his girlfriend were married in Las Vegas this past Easter---a primarily financial move so that the Marines would begin giving them the additional allotment for dependents and help with the move of household effects. This "wedding" after the fact is to permit family/friends to be involved in this and they'll follow this with a reception...cake and punch only, though with a cash bar available. Knowing this, it seemed especially important....particularly since we have family/friends coming from out of town for this, including our son's 87-year-old grandmother...PERHAPS!...to have a place to congregate, relax, have some FOOD before needing to "socialize!"---hence, my own little role in this.)

ANYWAY....all of this has been VERY difficult for me/for them.....AND, though I STILL don't know that much about my daughter-in-law and her family, my sense is that she still has MAJOR "issues" with her own mother. HENCE, no matter HOW "diplomatic"/helpful I may try to be as I learn to be the kind of mother-in-law SHE needs, I'm going to be triggering her "stuff" from these unhealed issues.

All of this is going to take TIME and enormous patience....as well as VERY conscious work in "recovery" not to allow her "rejection" of me and my advances to trigger my OWN wounded past AND for me to continue to grow into the kind of person God means for me to be NOW. As I posted in response to Janice this a.m., I AM working hard to remember that "There are only two real gifts we can give our children. One is roots and the other is wings!

It is with GREAT poignancy, if not outright grief, that we MUST watch our children "fly." But OH......dear one.....understand with what love our hearts DO break at times as we remember "other times"/other "family" settings.

Grace and peace to you and yours this day.

((((August Rose))))

Love,

Theodora

[AugustRose]

Hi Janice,

You bettah *believe* I consider myself lucky. :D :eek:
Prayers are going out your way!

August Rose

[Emerging]

*NMR* = no message, really, since this software likes a few characters (to munch on?) in the message spot before it will post anything ;)