So whats UP?

[hornblower]

Well Ive had a rough and a good week so far especially considering everything that has been happening here.
Im actually enjoying my daughter being here although I did see a roach this morning in my kitchen.............grrrrrrrrrrrr! (coming in from her apartment which is infested with them) they breed like fleas and dont get me started on fleas!
I HATE roaches! I lived in Galveston for a number of years and you could say those were the last years of my life what there was of my life..........
I was so scared to go back there I started having really bad panic attacks in the car on the way there for a vacation.
So Ok I wont go there to that place in the past suffice it to say the place is covered in roaches..........there has to be constant vigilence on pest control down there and here too its so blasted hot and tropical here!


Heres the situation that happened this week.........more SA..........at least I consider it SA............Im positive they think they are the most virtuous people on the earth.

When my daughter had her wreck last week I was so stressed out and tired of waking up hearing in my spirit or soul o wherever it was coming from my stenvens ministers name that I called her on my cell phone and asked if we could once again see each other...........
So we did........ no questions asked.
We met and talked at our little coffee lunch shop.........this is the only person I have ever had as a friend here in Mansfield since I moved here.....almost five years now I think weve been here.
Although as I was informed by the director of the Stevens ministry when my own stevens minister hurt me so bad, (the previous time we met)........."Stevens ministers are not FRIENDS!"............?????????????

So then what are they?

Go online and maybe I can get you a link to put on here as to what a Stevens minister is supposed to be.

When I heard about it at my Weight Watchers meeting I thought it was an answered prayer for me. I am so lonely and I would like to start going back to a church and getting involved again MAYBE?????? Not sure.

I read all about it and to me I thought to myself this is what christians everywhere 'should' be doing anyway?

Oh well so much for that because even when they are trained I have found anyway they cannot be a true friend not in any way in my book!

Well eventually the conversation turned back to why I havent been seeing my stevens minister for several months............as you have probably forgotten and I certainly have tried to forget it but I cant ................my lady I was seeing said to me "when are you going to get over what happened to your daughter?!" (meaning that attack on her when she was a child!) I almost lost my entire breath..........it was dejavue for sure..........just like my initial SA at that other church!
Whats so wierd about that day is that when both of us were praying I was actually praying for God to end our relationship anyway because I was so tired of this woman trying to control me.

AND this is a large part of my whole problem...........WHY DO I EVEN CARE WHAT THEY ARE DOING??????????????

What is WRONG with me? Why do I keep on going back?

Its like I hurt about my daughter, I want comfort, which seems as always it has been for me, impossible to find anywhere with anybody!

Its like this wound inside of me cannot get better.

Of course I have always felt like it doesnt get any better because the wound is "SHE doesnt get better!" She is so sick and nobody can help her.

Ok so back to what these so called stevens ministers and shame on them for even thinking to align themselves with that sweet saint.

So anyway she wanted to know what had been going on with me so I finally told her the truth ............Only a tiny part of it and as I knew it was she didnt even know what she had said or recognise it although she didnt deny it.........that was a relief to me as the other time with that B**** at the other church she lied her pants off.

There was much more pain to this original situation and I didnt want to confront her so (I know this is wrong according to the bible although I did tell her she was hurting me and making me crazy mad at the time she was saying all of this crap to me) anyway I called the director about it. She told me to tell her and I wouldnt do it.

So she told me I couldnt see her any longer until I was able to do so. She said keep going to your therapist and see if you can work through it and give us a call when you are ready to return...........

So I did just that.

I was ready to return so I told this lady what she did to me and the last thing she said to me was that she had to call the director............. a week goes by, nothing, no call, no nothing at all from either of them............

So Im here with my horrible situation here going on no one to talk too you know Ive been trying to not drive all of you crazy along with me about my daughter..............but poor Janice...........thank God she is praying for us here.

So you guessed it...............the director calls me and I can tell right away she is not going to let me have anything to do with any of them now!


What hurts so much.................she said this was what GOD was telling her!

So GOD does not want me to have a stevens minister............I can dig that because they are, according to me, if this is the way they are trained ALL lame IDGITS!

If they are trained that GOD tells them what to say and do and they think that they are always without fault...............Im sorry but big beeping sound for GRUNTS made here!

AND that is verbatem what she has said to me many times. It was made clear to me that this is not a friendship and then no understanding was given to me as to why they are not?????????
Ok I can dig it that maybe they say that because what if you dont like the person you are stuck with?

Of course in my mind how can it ever work that way?

On my cell phone before she even told me what she was going to say I said to her it doesnt matter what you are going to say to me its more than OK.

And in a lot of ways I mean it and I really meant it when I said it.........its kind of like this............if you dont want me believe me you I dont want YOU!

Once again this is my take on what happened to me.

If you have a so called "ministry" Of any kind the people involved in it are prideful depending on who they are.
Like some people might not be........I hope and pray I would be one of them but with a thinking involved like God is leading me to do this and that and everything I do is from God and accordingly as this director said to me she completely believes with her entire heart that everything concerning me and my daughter will be more than OK!

Well isnt that just peachey keen?

Sure doesnt 'feel' ok most of the time...........would be nice to have someone to call............I swear I try my damndest to never bug anyone!

Once again these people can take their perfect little selves with their perfect little outlooks and you know where they can stick them?
So much for her POSITIVE thinking that she is using to once agian shun me.

I knew it would be bad....its always so bad no matter how much I try its bad.........its all some kind of a sick game...........get em and make em think you love them then treat them like they have the plague!

How many times did this woman preach to me over the phone "we love you....... you know we love you," Ill bet she said that about fifty times and what I did........... is I said all that same crap!


Once maybe. Truth is though I hate their guts now!
yep Ive said it clear as a bell...........I know YOU love them God and You can take good care of them but me? I am full of the most horrid hatred for them.

I had a huge nitemare last night too. I was stuck at a dinner at my sisters house................she and everyone there would not have anything to do with me..........(could have been real life)..........and my husband would not go tot his thing with me. On and on it went over and over again that embarrassing feeling of being so looked down on, bearing down on top of me and I had to just endure it all.

Im so down sorry I am!

[JaniceB]

as this director said to me she completely believes with her entire heart that everything concerning me and my daughter will be more than OK!

Well isnt that just peachey keen?

I haven't been in this forum long enough to know what happened to your daughter but I'm going to make a wilda** guess that she was sexually abused as a child.

Me too. For me it hasn't gotten well overnight or even completely well in 40 years after it stopped. It does get better, don't get me wrong. My life is much better today than I would have ever expected it could be. I accomplished things I dreamed of as a child and thought were impossible--graduated college, have a good job in a field I love, wrote a book, and have a reasonably healthy loving marriage.

These things take time and they hurt like hell but we aren't totally helpless. When it happens to someone else we love and they don't seem to be taking care of themselves we're powerless as we wait for them to recover. But we aren't helpless.

If you want to read my book it might help and it might not. It's available at www.lulu.com and the title is Tomato Blossoms. You might have to search for it because it's not one of the best sellers. ;) It's available for only $3 if you download it rather than order a print version. It's about child sexual abuse and spiritual abuse and it's also kind of funny, believe it or not.

[Willow]

What hurts so much.................she said this was what GOD was telling her!

That's what they all say just before they dump you. It's a way to make themselves feel less guilty. After all... they're just following divine orders... right? Like you can't hear from God and they can.... IDGITS is RIGHT!

[Jerry]

Cowboy Boots is pointed so's ya can stomp a cockroach in the corner :D

[hornblower]

I haven't been in this forum long enough to know what happened to your daughter but I'm going to make a wilda** guess that she was sexually abused as a child.



My daughter who is now 37 years old and very ill and not too as I guess is the way it will always be according to the people I talk too.........they say she will NEVER get better.

She was almost murdered by a 16 year old male in the night service of the church we all attended when she was barely six years old. The young man that did this has been let go and is as far as I know scott free today. Christians helped him get free. He had murdered another six year old girl by tying her to a telephone pole and strangling her to deathw hich the strngling part is what he was doing to my daughter along with biting a big place on her stomach and beating her.

He did not rape either girl but with God I have had a fair idea of what he was doing to them...........
He never stood trial for any of it........the police were looking for him when he did this to my daughter. He was in our church because without anyones knowledge there was an outreach started to young men that were troubled and this boy was in foster care with a woman that had just started going there.
The pastor of my church hated me anyway.........long story......Im a woman and women dont know God like men do with degrees.....that IS the only reason he hated me.
He covered the entire thing up.......I and my family were expected to never talk to anyone about it............he said and I quote.........."God told him that the entire thing was to be taken out into the back yard and buried"

God said!
No one called to see how we were.........I was harrassed by him because I insisted my daughter be taken to the rape crisis center which was brand new at the time.
I was told when I began to cry over her, she was totally unconcious for hours as she was in shock, to stuff that crying thing back up inside of me and get a hold of myself, mothers dont do that!

I could go on and on about this night and the long years of hell we have all suffered in this family.........my husband never went back to church and wont talk about any of it.
He also persecuted me believing what they were saying that I should shut up.

BUT My friend you see.....at that same age I was molested in a park my mother had taken me too and it was completely covered up too by my parents.............its ruined my entire life.

Hard to believe such a thing can do that but I can swear to you it has done that to me.

These two women, these so called stevens ministers and they should be ashamed to even speak that righteous mans name, know all of this.

Still this woman said to me.....this so called 'trained woman!?"......"So When are you going to get over what happened to your daughter? After all it didnt happen to YOU! And after all, many people are in a lot more pain than you are, so why on earth would you get so depressed as to take your own life?"

This was after many months of her talking to me about her own very painful situation..............I swear to you most of the time I was with her the time was taken up with her telling me her sad stories which is a blessing to me and will always be but I hope you understand my drift here.


I did a shameful thing I know. I let it all go I didnt get mad or say anything she didnt want to hear. I was more than understanding about all of it and do you know why?

What possible good does it do to talk to any of them?

The way I see it its the system thats at fault and always will be it breeds these people that need jobs and dont have anything better to do then laud it over others and act like they have their own stuff together when they will never have anything together in their own lives.............

You know why they wont?

They NEVER face their own pain!

IM so angry.
Whats bad is I see nothing but lonliness in my future. I cannot ever trust these so called ministries at all..........all I told them I wanted was a friend. I do not understand what their agenda is........but as for this lady and her cohort its pretty dangerous stuff. I know they have no idea what they have done wrong thats why it kills me but so it is......

so when and how can I ever be safe with anyone? I never know when this stuff is going to hit me in the face just like it did in the initial phase of the SA at that church.

Of course I have still been told 'so dont talk to anyone about what happened to your daughter.' The silence will destroy me because its the same silence that almost killed me the first time with my own abuse.

I stand on this scripture that 'everything will be revealed'! When I first read this in the gospels it was as if I saw a rock being turned over and all of the bugs scrambling to hide again in the dark damp soil underneath.

When the light of God comes all darkness will be erased but dont think for one minute the darkness likes it?
If we keep silent then how is that speaking what you are told in the darkness on the rooftops?

Thankyou so much willow and jerry and I guess those cowboy boots are looking pretty good to me Jerr....no wonder I got this catalog with all of these fancy laden womens cowboy boots in it.............lol! AND the roaches from my daughters apartment too!

We are taking it one day at a time here after her wreck and totalled car and loss of her one minute job she had..........her apartment is trying to get rid of her and still no meds for her..........I blew up yesterday big time making a fool of myself but alls well today I asked my husband and her to forgive me AGAIN!

As usual you are always right on time my good buddy!