what to do?

[Hope 98]

Ugh...

I've been told my response to my unmarried daughter's pregnancy "sends the wrong message".

I didn't expect to hear that & I can't even imagine doing anything differently.

My husband & I are in agreement and we both believe we haven't ignored God.

I guess my mistake was in letting church leaders know what is happening, but since I can't undo that, what do I do now?

I'd share more, but I'm feeling kinda vulnerable to judgment.

[butterfly]

[[[[Hope]]]]
You sure are having a hard time lately I am sorry to hear that you are.
I feel real bad for you because you said how much you liked this church. It hurts to hear you are being abused.
No judgement from me . Was it the church people that judged?

You have a right to respond anyway you please its your life and your family.
I have learned never never tell church leaders or the church people none of my busness. Why ? Because I would always be whiped to my soul with their judgements.
Ouch!!!!
I hope that you will feel safer to share if you feel the need here. Love shirley

[Willow]

(((((((((((((Hope)))))))))))))))
I don't know why the church can't leave family matters within the family. :mad:

[Hope 98]

At this point, my husband & I, with my daughter's agreement, have decided we are going to offer to leave the church rather than cause conflict.

I can't do anything contrary to my own conscience, no matter what my pastor's opinion may be. If he feels responsible to correct us, I don't know how else to respond.

My daughter is nearly 18, but not done school yet. She & the baby's father want to marry. He is moving in with us - in his own separate room from my daughter pending a wedding. I expect that to be soon, and was planning to allow them to live with us through the birth and end of high school.

The point is to help them get on their feet. Isn't their life going to be hard enough? Isn't our economy in bad enough shape that people in much better situations to start with end up back at home sometimes?

I think they see it all as too soft on sin. I'm thinking that the Holy Spirit is in charge of conviction.

Isn't marriage the right choice? Does marriage HAVE to be ONLY when they can live on their own? Do they have to stay forcibly separated until they can afford to marry and live on their own so they can't be tempted to sin again? Should they be denied even companionship through the pregnancy?

I don't get it. I'm told to forgive forgive forgive when people lie to me and steal from me. But I'm too merciful when my own child is having a baby.

[Anna Marta]

Dear Hope,

I want to talk with you so very much. Can you call me at Chuck's house on Monday, late morning? 717 569 4354 I am to be there this coming week.

I leave today...

Loving you soon it will be coffee time... Maybe you can come and spend some time with me this week? I am alone all day as the kids are at work the grands in day care.

Love
Anna Marta

[dougjb]

Hi Hope 98,
It sounds like you are going a great job in addressing the situation with your daughter. I find the response to your daughter's pregnancy quite befuddling if not just dumb. It is like counseling someone to close the barn door after the horse not out. It just does not help anyone - except to create a lot frustration. Those people in the church should be saying, "What can we do to help." I think your being positive and proactive in addressing this family matter.:cool::D:D

dougjb
some food for thought

[Jerry]

Ugh...

I've been told my response to my unmarried daughter's pregnancy "sends the wrong message".



GOOD now you know who your "Enemies" are ;)

[Jerry]

I think they see it all as too soft on sin. I'm thinking that the Holy Spirit is in charge of conviction.

Isn't marriage the right choice? Does marriage HAVE to be ONLY when they can live on their own? Do they have to stay forcibly separated until they can afford to marry and live on their own so they can't be tempted to sin again? Should they be denied even companionship through the pregnancy?


HOPE !!!!!!!! STOP AND THINK A MINUTE!!!!!!!!!! Let's go back in time 2008 years ,,,,,,what was the custom then ?????? The custom was that newly weds had 1 full year to be together the man did not even work....That year was to be spent loving and getting to know his wife....The community saw to their finincal needs for that year...... Christ was a "Jew" a perfect "Jew" ,,,,,,What would our Lord council you to do??????? Tell them church people to "Go pound salt in their ass !!!"
Love Jerry

[JaniceB]

Hope, the church leaders response was unconscionable. How can they presume to make decisions for anyone else? I think Jesus would tell them to take the logs out of their own eyes before they tried to take the speck out of yours.

We don't need to be hard on each other to punish sin. Life does that for us. I don't even believe that God makes trouble for us when we sin. In fact, I think the reason he tells us not to do certain things is because he knows it will cause us trouble. Like when my kids were little and I told them to stay away from the stove. When little Andy touched the stove anyhow, I didn't burn him. The stove burned him. I knew it would happen that's why I told him to stay away.

If I'm going to make a mistake, especially in my family, I want to err on the side of loving and caring not on the side of being righteous.

Please be encouraged that a whole bunch of us think you did the right thing and the brave thing. I'm glad you listened to your heart and not the idiot that told you otherwise.

JaniceB

[hornblower]

Oh my gosh Hope what better way can anyone possibly handle this????
You know how I automatically thought it was going to be dont you? I cannot imagine what they would see being wrong with anything you are doing! My hat goes off to your family for making such a wise decision and my heart is with you too. DO NOT accept any critisizm from these people at all. LEAVE that place and dust the dirt off the bottom of your shoes!

What planet do these people live on anyway? Shame shame shame on all of them!

[Willow]

Hope, the church leaders response was unconscionable. How can they presume to make decisions for anyone else? I think Jesus would tell them to take the logs out of their own eyes before they tried to take the speck out of yours.
JaniceB

That's how I feel about that too! When will the church let adults be adults and manage our own lives? I'm sick of the Pastor/Dad - Congregation/Children ratio. It's not right. Jesus tore the veil... we don't have to go to a pastor to make our decisions for us... particularly when it involves our OWN FAMILY... HELLOOOOO???!!

[Spiny Norman]

Hope, I have no suggestion other than to love your daughter. "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone" may well apply. Supporting and loving your daughter is not the same thing as promoting or condoning sin which led to these circumstances in the first place.

[Hope 98]

It is typical that when a person in a church hears of another member in a compromising position, they take the information to the pastor. I chose to "race the grapevine" to let the pastor know that my daughter was pregnant before he had to ask. At that point, the pregnancy was also potentially ectopic - which means not only that the baby may not make it to term, but that my daughter's life was also endangered.

My first encounter with the pastor was remarkably positive. I didn't get "in trouble" until I let him know that "daddy" was going to be living in our spare room.

We chose to allow that arrangement AFTER the parents-to-be had expressed their desire to marry and BE PARENTS. Important to note: they didn't reluctantly agree to take responsibility, they expressed a determination to put the child first.

In more personal terms, they were at one point told that the fetus was developing outside the womb and the only choices they had were to surgically or pharmaceutically end the pregnancy to save my daughter's life. Anyone who might have seen this boy's face delivering that news to US would KNOW that these kids have been punished enough, if punishment is warranted at all.

I'm still not sure what the objection is. I was so thrown by his phone call and remarks, none of it makes sense. It has only left me with the impression that we should have made this difficult situation even harder so that somebody gets the message that pre-marital sex is bad. Excuse me if I consider it a little late to send that message to someone who is already pregnant.

:confused::confused::confused:

[Lamisa]

Hope,

your response to your daughter's pregnancy brings tears to my eyes and joy to my heart. Since I have been saved and interestingly even prior, God has given me a very strong heart towards pro life and just in standing firm against abortion.

In May I went to Fundraising banquet for our local Christian Crisis Pregnancy center and it was wonderful. But one of the stories was of a young lady whose father was a pastor, and when he found out that she was pregnant he completely disowned her and cut her off from the family. But she knew what she believed and refused to have an abortion and chose to raise this baby on her own with a small amount of aid from the crisis pregnancy center. She may have made a poor decision initially, but in the long run made a beautiful decision to keep her baby and when they showed a picture of this beautiful baby boy at two years old, she shared that her father still refused to have anything to do with her. That story broke my heart.

But I know that those of us who care and God has given us a heart towards these situations know, that the reality is, the real problems with pregnancy outside of marriage could be addressed and healed if more people in the church responded like you and your family!!

I am in tears even writing this because your response to your daughter is so beautiful and Christ like!

I am so blessed to hear your response. God will bless you in this and meet the needs of you and your daughter and your family.

And your response is the true witness of Christ's love to your daughter and her child's father!!

(BTW, though I am married, I am 10 weeks pregnant myself, which may account slightly for my emotional reaction, but you are so beautiful in what you are doing!! God Bless you!!!)

[Lamisa]

Oh, and also Hope, I just wanted to share that I recently read a story in the news about a woman who gave birth to a healthy baby at 38 weeks and upon the MD performing the C Section, they discovered that the baby had developed entirely in the mothers fallopian tube!!

They have no idea how it happened and how it did not kill the mother, but it was truly a miracle!

It was either in New Zealand or Australia.

Anyway. I am praying that our daughter will have a healthy pregnancy!

[Hope 98]

Lamisa, thank you for your response and God bless you and your baby!

I believe strongly that making an example of any sin that becomes obvious as pregnancy does, forces those who are caught into shame and hiding. That's why a lot of girls get abortions - to avoid being publicly condemned!

Personally - I was forced into abortion by the father of my baby when I was in my teens and carried that guilt and shame for over 20 years. I couldn't go anywhere that the fear of being condemned for the pregnancy didn't outweigh the possibility of getting help to give the child life.

I can't do anything that would put my daughter into the same hell I had to live in for so long. I won't make it harder for her or the baby's father than life will be anyway. God already HAS consequences for sin built into life, and forgiveness is available to those who seek him, even in the midst of our sins.

I really appreciate the support of the people on this board. I feel a lot stronger now than I did just a few days ago.

[JaniceB]

We chose to allow that arrangement AFTER the parents-to-be had expressed their desire to marry and BE PARENTS. Important to note: they didn't reluctantly agree to take responsibility, they expressed a determination to put the child first.

Hope, my husband was born out of wedlock but his mother relinquished him for adoption. He was adopted by a "good Christian family" that was full of abuse including sexual abuse. All the kids--and they were adopted from three different gene pools--turned out to be alcoholics and to have other problems.

We found his birthmom a few years ago and heard her repeat the lies they told her about his adoptive family. We heard about the pressure placed upon her to go through with the adoption. It was like an industry and the baby was a commodity. In the process of finding her I did a lot of research and I could go on and on. Adoption isn't the answer to this world's ills as some would tell us.

That was kind of another side of the story and a long way around to say that I'm glad these two young people are ready to grow up and be parents to their child. It's the best thing they could do for all three of them.

JaniceB

[Hope 98]

Adoption-

I can see how it could turn out badly to go in that direction as well. Hard to rule it out as an option in more general terms (not part of our options right now though) because I know loving people unable to have children of their own.

I am now more convinced than ever that EVERYTHING we can do to support children being born and staying with both of the people who conceive them is exactly what we should be doing.

Thank you again!

[hornblower]

Lamisa, thank you for your response and God bless you and your baby!

I believe strongly that making an example of any sin that becomes obvious as pregnancy does, forces those who are caught into shame and hiding. That's why a lot of girls get abortions - to avoid being publicly condemned!

Personally - I was forced into abortion by the father of my baby when I was in my teens and carried that guilt and shame for over 20 years. I couldn't go anywhere that the fear of being condemned for the pregnancy didn't outweigh the possibility of getting help to give the child life.

I can't do anything that would put my daughter into the same hell I had to live in for so long. I won't make it harder for her or the baby's father than life will be anyway. God already HAS consequences for sin built into life, and forgiveness is available to those who seek him, even in the midst of our sins.

I really appreciate the support of the people on this board. I feel a lot stronger now than I did just a few days ago.

My self too Hope so abortion for me is nothing but hell on earth. I have ever sionce that time believed I am a murderer and I wasnt a christian at the time I did it but I instinctively knew it was all so wrong ...........I wont even go into it its all so unbelievable what happened and I blame myself and I always will. Ive had a lot of prayer but it doesnt go away. Often I think in my mind that because of my sin my own now daughter has had to pay from the devil for what I did.
All I can do is plead my case before God who alone I know has to be the real love or there is no hope at all for me and if its so with me then what will be the outcome of so many others?
Your daughter is more than fortunate to have you..........be gone with those nay sayers those stupid wolves that foam at the mouth!
I hate any who deal faslely about our loving father that forgives us totally and has our babies with Him for eternity. He is merciful beyond measure.