i heard...

[leelees]

...along the grapevine that a couple have left the old church, the guy was the pastors right hand man so it was a shock to hear they left!
he was one of the people i didnt like and didnt exactly help my cause!
ive written them a letter this eve saying that i know what they may be going through, strongly assuming theyve had the bad treatment i had, and that im here if they want to talk and all that, so i hope that they do get in contact with me, i feel the need to help and be there for those who left, no matter how they hurt me!

[hornblower]

leelees thats amazing that you are so forgiving like that but I kind of wonder about doing that...........personally I dont want to ever see anyone that went to my church..............
still though, I sure hope it turns out well for you.

[leelees]

yeah i kniow what youre saying and i think im slightly swaying that way...i posted the letter a few days ago..havent heard anything- i wouldnt say im that forgiving right now but i just wanted to let them know they aint alone cos i understand it all....im thinking maybe its a trick and that they are still in contact with the old church and its a ploy to get me trapped by them again, or maybe they just dont care?
i hope its not the latter but tonight i thought perhaps its time to really just let it go, im still hurt over the photos i saw on face book...but i guess i just missed the fellowship i had once! i feel like i just can't let go of the pain from ANYTHING!

[hornblower]

yeah i kniow what youre saying and i think im slightly swaying that way...i posted the letter a few days ago..havent heard anything- i wouldnt say im that forgiving right now but i just wanted to let them know they aint alone cos i understand it all....im thinking maybe its a trick and that they are still in contact with the old church and its a ploy to get me trapped by them again, or maybe they just dont care?
i hope its not the latter but tonight i thought perhaps its time to really just let it go, im still hurt over the photos i saw on face book...but i guess i just missed the fellowship i had once! i feel like i just can't let go of the pain from ANYTHING!


leelees whats happening now? I cannot imagine what it must be like to even see any of my former abusive people anywhere. It hasnt happened in like since things have happened and maybe God knows I wouldnt be able to handle it who knows why? I dont get out much anyway and Ive moved and I lived further than most of those people lived from that church anyway so maybe thats why.

I know they dont want me back so I can well imagine that it would never be a ploy to get me back in any way. I think my last thing happened to get rid of me.

So in the only bright thing to look at at least they want you right? Dont go back no matter what though.........Im just looking for stuff to say.

I think for me I dont hurt from what those people did to me any more. Its been so long and I have stayed clear of them its a misnomer for me. So maybe that works to not go anywhere that they may be. Stay clear away from anything they do or say or think.

Of course I cannot tell you what to do because I dont fully know the cruicumstances or you either. The whole idea of being controlled by anyone just unerves me and I dont want it for people I care deeply about and that would be you!

I want you to be free and to be yourself because as God sop often tells me thats the way He made you and He likes you just that way.......
how are you today?

[leelees]

thanks hornblower...
i feel surreal at the moment...i dont believe they want me back otherwise they may have made an effort to find me, even though they no where i am...its hard because i live near them all so its always a high possibilty that i will come across them on my way to work or out and about...yesterday i was at a roundabout right next to a couple of them, they never even saw me lol...its weird being so near them all but completly far away, if that makes sense!? hope ur ok hornblower :o

[hornblower]

thanks hornblower...
i feel surreal at the moment...i dont believe they want me back otherwise they may have made an effort to find me, even though they no where i am...its hard because i live near them all so its always a high possibilty that i will come across them on my way to work or out and about...yesterday i was at a roundabout right next to a couple of them, they never even saw me lol...its weird being so near them all but completly far away, if that makes sense!? hope ur ok hornblower :o

I hurt for you leelees I wouldnt want to be anywhere that my abusers are. I HATE them and why shouldnt I? I reserve the right to hate them and the way they are and what they think and what they do to me to others. I hate them!

Shouldnt we hate all evil? I know my Sa abusers arent all evil. Nobody is all bad and not anyone is all good especially me of all people I am not. Nevertheless Im tirted of playing games with these worthless so called caring people. They arent caring they are mean and I dont want you or myself or my dog or my precious daughter or anyone I love near any of them. If God loves them He can save them, I am through trying.

I am not God. I am seeing myself for the first time I think the way I am. I am scared of them and I want them to leave me alone. They lost out on me. They lost out on you. We are way too good for them. They didnt see us or know us just as they wouldnt know Jesus if He was standing in front of them and He was standing right there in front of them but they are blind.

No not really I am not fine today. My precious grandsons spent the night with me. One of them the youngest doesnt really love me any more not as much as he could have loved me because his other grandmother has turned him against me.

His mother sent word through the oldest one to tell me not to tell him stories any more about my childhood or their dads childhood. That hurt as all these things hurt me so much. I am never free from all of these people. They are all around me all of the time. People that dont understand me and believe what they believe is right and I dont fit in with what they see is the way to be ............what can I say......... whatever?

It hurts so bad. Im very sensitive which I dont want to blame myself for any longer either. I talk about the people I know when they hurt me so I gossip and I dont want to be that way but I cant deal with ther pain of this living.

Anyway the oldest boy still loves me and misses me no matter what his mother or grandmother may tell him. I wish the little one understiood me too like the oldest one does.

I try to do everything the way his parents want me to do it not like the other grandmom does. She is very hurt and very bitter but then she doesnt deal with it the way I do or the way you do either leelees.

I know this is such a small thing. But this is the way it is everywhere. She hurts so she looks around and thinks to herself who will I hurt? So she hurts me and doesnt think a thing about it.

Thats the way those people were in that church isnt it?

If they want you back its only so they could hurt you more and control you for their own purposes.

I know in my heart God is not anything like that. God is true love and He is goodness in all of its glory.
I am going to try very hard to not talk about people..please pray for me that I can once again be a good person and not hurt so badly that I try to one myself up in a conversation with someone else. I dont want to do that but maybe that is what it is I dont know?

I hurt when I watch a show on tv I cant take too many things any more. Ive been sick for the last two weeks but I should be getting much better now I hope. Sore throat today. Headachey and sore all over.

I chalk a lot of these things up to being that PTS whatever it is. I think it goes way back.

Anyway leelees thankyou so much for coming back and talking it makes me feel so much better to know you are talking. If I ever say anything or do anything that upsets you please just forgive me.

Hang in there leelees we will make it together we will!

[leelees]

hi sweetheart!
you're beautiful and never let anyone tell you otherwise, i wish i could help you but i could never feel as hurt as you and i wouldnt know what to say to help you out!
its lovely to be back talking to you!
xxxxxxxxxx