I had this dream...

[Willow]

I'm having a horrible time over here in amyland. I finally caved in and took 1/4 of one of my anti depressant pills. I'm not sure I did the right thing... but I"m too embarassed to go back to the doctor and admit that I need them after I took myself off of them. I'm the typical non-compliant patient. Maybe I should start over with a new one.

I had this dream the other night... It seemed to sum up the god/dad/men/mom/church issues i'm tormented with. I'll post it here and hope for some outside insights. I'm quite stranded on a desert island since I moved out to the country. I had been feeling a little bit adopted by my new guyfriend... but he's been distancing himself as I get more depressed. Who can blame him? He's not gone completely... but not nearly as responsive. I guess I used him up... I hate myself for that. Being overdependent. I hate it that I can't seem to gain the skills of interdependency. Either I'm independent to a fault or dependent to the point it smothers someone...

OK... here's the dream...

6-10-08

For some reason my dad and mom and I were supposed to sit and watch while some people burned our house down. We were scheduled to die in the blaze... sitting there while the house burned around us. I watched as they burned the house next door... then it was time for us. A small child - a little girl with a blow torch - came to burn the room where I was standing. I watched as she put the torch to the wall above the buffet where my dad's mother's vase sat next to my mom's mother's vase. I wasn't allowed to save the prized possessions and watched mutely as they began to melt. The people burning our house down were pleasant and friendly. I seemed to know them. It was an odd combination... destroying us with a loving attitude. It was a pastor and his family... they were doing "the right thing" so we had to let them. Somewhere in the middle of the process they were interrupted and had to leave before the job was even halfway done. I grabbed the heirloom vases... I was hugging one of them... As I hugged it I noticed the vase had collapsed. I was able to somehow re-form it in it's softened state. It felt healing to hug the vase and re-create it.

The people burning our house said we could stay with someone from the church for awhile until they came back to complete the burning. That's when I piped up and invited my parents to come stay at my house. My dad took me down on a collapsing staircase to talk more about the idea. The floor beneath us began to teeter. Dad was unable to save us... so I saved him instead... pushing up the teetering floor while walking up the stairs. Dad slid off the floor and onto the solid structure and I was able to climb out too. We decided to go to my house and stay until they came back to finish the job. I didn't tell my parents, but secretly I thought... we won't come back for the completion of the burning. We will not die in the flames. These are our enemies, not our friends. they want to kill us. Why would a pastor's family want to kill parishioners?

My thoughts on the dream? religion has done a number on my family and almost killed us. my dad and mom can't protect me so I took the role over from them at a fairly early age. I'm still trying to save my mom who suicided (the vase). I'm not going to lay down and die with the house like they told us we had to. I need a new god... a nice god that doesn't burn down my house.

[Gayle]

I'm having a horrible time over here in amyland. I finally caved in and took 1/4 of one of my anti depressant pills. I'm not sure I did the right thing... but I"m too embarassed to go back to the doctor and admit that I need them after I took myself off of them. I'm the typical non-compliant patient. Maybe I should start over with a new one.

I had this dream the other night... It seemed to sum up the god/dad/men/mom/church issues i'm tormented with. I'll post it here and hope for some outside insights. I'm quite stranded on a desert island since I moved out to the country. I had been feeling a little bit adopted by my new guyfriend... but he's been distancing himself as I get more depressed. Who can blame him? He's not gone completely... but not nearly as responsive. I guess I used him up... I hate myself for that. Being overdependent. I hate it that I can't seem to gain the skills of interdependency. Either I'm independent to a fault or dependent to the point it smothers someone...

OK... here's the dream...

6-10-08

For some reason my dad and mom and I were supposed to sit and watch while some people burned our house down. We were scheduled to die in the blaze... sitting there while the house burned around us. I watched as they burned the house next door... then it was time for us. A small child - a little girl with a blow torch - came to burn the room where I was standing. I watched as she put the torch to the wall above the buffet where my dad's mother's vase sat next to my mom's mother's vase. I wasn't allowed to save the prized possessions and watched mutely as they began to melt. The people burning our house down were pleasant and friendly. I seemed to know them. It was an odd combination... destroying us with a loving attitude. It was a pastor and his family... they were doing "the right thing" so we had to let them. Somewhere in the middle of the process they were interrupted and had to leave before the job was even halfway done. I grabbed the heirloom vases... I was hugging one of them... As I hugged it I noticed the vase had collapsed. I was able to somehow re-form it in it's softened state. It felt healing to hug the vase and re-create it.

The people burning our house said we could stay with someone from the church for awhile until they came back to complete the burning. That's when I piped up and invited my parents to come stay at my house. My dad took me down on a collapsing staircase to talk more about the idea. The floor beneath us began to teeter. Dad was unable to save us... so I saved him instead... pushing up the teetering floor while walking up the stairs. Dad slid off the floor and onto the solid structure and I was able to climb out too. We decided to go to my house and stay until they came back to finish the job. I didn't tell my parents, but secretly I thought... we won't come back for the completion of the burning. We will not die in the flames. These are our enemies, not our friends. they want to kill us. Why would a pastor's family want to kill parishioners?

My thoughts on the dream? religion has done a number on my family and almost killed us. my dad and mom can't protect me so I took the role over from them at a fairly early age. I'm still trying to save my mom who suicided (the vase). I'm not going to lay down and die with the house like they told us we had to. I need a new god... a nice god that doesn't burn down my house.

Hi Willow
Maybe your dream is symbolic of where you've come from? kind of a this is where you've been to where you are now? the different roles you and your parents have had in this process and the tragedy of your mother's death. It seems like life has felt very insecure for you at times but you find strength inside yourself to suport your dad when it seemed he couldnt suport you? I'm sorry your mother left you.

Your statement about needing a new god... I find it hard to separate people from God - like their beliefs and rules about god somehow have to be mine because I've been taught to follow them and not think about what I believe. So that the God I want to believe and relate to isn't really my God at all. But I know I can't live that way any more. but I just don't know what to believe. Don't know if that makes any sense - hope it does a little.

[FreeinJesus]

(((Willow)))

I think sometimes our dreams reflect our experiences of life. Our subconscious is an interesting thing for sure.

I've also been dreaming a lot...& the "church/cult" people are in the dreams..:(..I'm looking forward to the day when I wont have to worry about running into them...let alone having then show up in my subconscious!

I am looking forward to the day when we move from this place.....away from those people....have a new beginning.

You hang in there too Willow!! Life is sometimes a struggle but hopefully we'll all be having good days ahead.
Hang in there Willow!
LOVE
FIJ

[Spiny Norman]

Re: anti-depressants ... talk to your Doc ... get a second opinion if you feel the need ... then go with their advice.

A friend of mine recently took the advice of someone in his church (my old church) and took himself of anti-depressants against medical advice, presumably because it wasn't demonstrating "faith" to stay on them. He has now had a nervous breakdown of sorts and hasn't been able to come to work for 3 weeks (and counting) due to the stress that he can't cope with.

So don't feel bad for taking the pill(s). Don't feel bad for going through a season of life where they might be required to help you keep your balance. Just get good advice and go with that. :)

[patchouli]

Willow,
If you had a broken leg, would you ignore it, limping along? Would you feel guilty for getting a cast on it? I am no advocate for pill popping for every mood change, but I have had a change in attitude while working with/being educated in the addiction recovery field.

Interesting how we (me included) think that treating physical injuries with medical help is acceptable, but treating emotional injuries with medicine makes us a failure...yes, yes, trust your instinct and see your doctor--and if he/she is saying things to shame you, find another doctor who will treat you with the respect you deserve.

Dreams are one of the most powerful ways Jehovah communicates with me--some have knocked me sideways for days at a time. One thing that I have learned is that these dreams come when I am ready to face truth and heal that part of my heart. This has comforted me greatly--to know that

1) there is a reason for these wild dreams
2) the reason is a GOOD one regardless of the emotions attached to the dream
3) there is healing in the waking hours and I am NOT ALONE in this journey

BTW, I've had a house burning down dream, too. As I watched it burn, I turned around and there was one of my daughters, placing candles to light up a path for us to follow.

[patchouli]

Willow,
If you had a broken leg, would you ignore it, limping along? Would you feel guilty for getting a cast on it? I am no advocate for pill popping for every mood change, but I have had a change in attitude while working with/being educated in the addiction recovery field.

Interesting how we (me included) think that treating physical injuries with medical help is acceptable, but treating emotional injuries with medicine makes us a failure...yes, yes, trust your instinct and see your doctor--and if he/she is saying things to shame you, find another doctor who will treat you with the respect you deserve.

Dreams are one of the most powerful ways Jehovah communicates with me--some have knocked me sideways for days at a time. One thing that I have learned is that these dreams come when I am ready to face truth and heal that part of my heart. This has comforted me greatly--to know that

1) there is a reason for these wild dreams
2) the reason is a GOOD one regardless of the emotions attached to the dream
3) there is healing in the waking hours and I am NOT ALONE in this journey

BTW, I've had a house burning down dream, too. As I watched it burn, I turned around and there was one of my daughters, placing candles to light up a path for us to follow.

[ex-shep]

Must be going around. I had a dream that I was having dinner with some the most respected member in cult reseach. All the sudden the people morphed into cult leaders. My wife and I were trying to walk away from the leaders who would not take no for an answer. I picked up my cel phone and called the police. End dream.

I have been out over 20 years. Nevertheless the dreams can still be disarming. I have been spent all day. I have not had a dream like that in years. The early years in recovery I was frequently having dreams of my former groups and the friend I lost to a group. I have heard from professional therapists that is part of the subconscious clearing out the debris from the past. I am no expert in the topic, nor pretend to be. It does make sense to me and that has been my experience.

The best I have done is talk about it in a safe venue either on forum or with somebody I trust. Hope this helps.

[Willow]

The best I have done is talk about it in a safe venue either on forum or with somebody I trust. Hope this helps.

It does help. I so deeply appreciate all of your inputs. I called a Dr. friend of mine in the program who is going to recommend me to a primary care Dr. in hopes of getting me on some medication. I'm still unsure this is the right thing to do so may not jump into it. However... if I can't find any relief from this morbid thinking trap... I'll need to re-consider my decision to discontinue. Thing is... I really was doing so much better until I moved. The move and isolation and stress of traveling and overworking... well... I think it'll take some adjustment.

patchouli... interesting about the house burning down theme. I used to have a book on dream interpretation... maybe I can dig it up and find meanings.

Gayle... I'm much the same way about separating people from God. I need the contact with people. I never have gotten the "alone with God" thing down pat. Although... I have had some "hearing from God" moments that were beyond doubt.

Norman... I'll try not to go the path of your friend from work. So far my job hasn't suffered too badly... but I am taking a couple extra days off this weekend.

FIJ... may your move be smooth and freeing!!!

[ex-shep]

[QUOTE=Willow;60446]It does help. I so deeply appreciate all of your inputs. I called a Dr. friend of mine in the program who is going to recommend me to a primary care Dr. in hopes of getting me on some medication. I'm still unsure this is the right thing to do so may not jump into it. However...

Let me preface I am no expert. My experience has been that not having the medication is like building a house with a concrete foundation. The medication give a foundation to live on and process issues. It can make life manageable and provide some room to process the issues at hand.

[Willow]

The medication give a foundation to live on and process issues. It can make life manageable and provide some room to process the issues at hand.

I vascillate wildly on my decision. I was doing well for a year without meds. I think if I can tough it out, I might be OK again... I'm going to see the doc anyway though. I do notice that my blood sugar levels may have something to do with my mood swings.

[ex-shep]

I vascillate wildly on my decision. I was doing well for a year without meds. I think if I can tough it out, I might be OK again... I'm going to see the doc anyway though. I do notice that my blood sugar levels may have something to do with my mood swings.


Off hand a professional opinion not hurt.

[hornblower]

Willow I think as usual the person having the dream really knows what it means and I would only add that when you said that a little girl was doing the burning that upset me and so I was sort of asking or praying about it like 'who is that?' At first I thought could that be you?, but that doesnt make any sense why would you be doing that?
I had a vision a long time ago about a little girl and a woman next to her.....anyway it came to me that the little girl is the church (not grown up yet, immature)(even false) but more than that I think its the way you are seeing it. Like those people were the real church......but as you know they arent at all.
Its such a true dream and its so sad what they all did to you and your family. They will pay big time when the day comes.

Also my last pschiatrist that had me on my antidepressants told me it didnt matter how many I took, meaning like I could take a fourth if I wanted too. I cant take medicines like that because its so strong for me so I always take a very low dose. Its fine to do that so dont worry about it at all. I mean it would be another thing to take too many you know but thats not what you are doing. If this doctor doesnt agree with that and you want mopre of them just tell him you've changed your miond and take them the way that helps you to do it. Its all about getting through our stuff isnt it? Whatever is helping you is good, thats what I think.

[Willow]

thanks for the encouragement hornblower...
I'm pretty sure the dream had to do with me being stirred up about visiting my dad this weekend. It was hard... but I got it done. Depression is so depressing! :p

[hornblower]

Yeah Im glad its over for you it would be difficult with what you've been through willow. I wish I could take it all away from you..........my mom used to say that to me........I miss my parents so much at times.

Know this willow if it helps at all........I care a lot about you and so does everyone here. You help each one of us here.

You know Ive been thinking and I just wanted your input on this one. Ive been thinking from time to time about that scripture that says 'You will be saved you and your household.'

This is really awful but right now I dont even care if my sister and my other relatives join me in heaven. I know my husband and kids are going to be there. I believe even my brother asd mean and awful as he was to me I believe he made it there, my Dad and my Mom made it too I do believe it. But what if just the fact that by us following Jesus and going all the way with Him, they are all included wouldnt that be great? I worry for my husbands family and some others you know what I mean?

[Willow]

I'm not sure what all those scriptures mean anymore. I think there probably is an afterlife of some sort though. Too many people who come back after dying report the "white tunnel" experience for it not to be true. I read this one email once about heaven and hell and thought it was really clever. They were the same place and everyone was given a long fork and sat at a buffet full of food. In heaven everyone was feeding each other because their forks wouldn't reach their own mouths. In hell the people were starving looking at the table full of food. The thought never enters their mind to feed each other...

[Jerry]

My thoughts on the dream? religion has done a number on my family and almost killed us. my dad and mom can't protect me so I took the role over from them at a fairly early age. I'm still trying to save my mom who suicided (the vase). I'm not going to lay down and die with the house like they told us we had to. I need a new god... a nice god that doesn't burn down my house.

Dear Amy,,,
Sometimes God speaks to us in our dreams,or by them. WOW Amy !!!!!,,,,it appears that God really does love you :D

Love Jerry