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[momof3]

I am looking for others who are like me. Abused in fundamentalist church as a child and unable to attend church as an adult. Everyone says "give it up to God" or "just let it go". But it will not go away. My religious upbringing is so intertwined with abuse it feels impossible to separate. I make this last bid effort to find others who can understand what I am saying

[Willow]

There are others... I am not of the same upbringing as you, but have experienced the same intertwining of issues through adult experiences with such groups. It seems impossible to erase the old tapes. The guilt messages get integrated into the very fiber of our souls. have a hard time with church too. AA was a little better, but even that felt like brainwashing to me. I don't want to have to sell my soul for a morsel of supportive community.

[FreeinJesus]

Welcome Momof3!:)

I was not raised fundamentalist, but Catholic. During a searching & low point in my life I let myself be sucked into a controlling "bible-cult". I should have seen the signs..:(..hell, I had people who had listened to this guys sermon tapes tell me they thought he sounded like a "cult leader". Yet....I didn't see it,:confused: I was taken in, I suppose like someone who would have been enamoured with Hitler or Stalin. For the life of me I don't know why I didn't or couldn't see it.....I need to forgive myself for that.

Anyhow, about where you are....I guess if this will help, one thing I have realized is that I believe you can know God without the intermediary of an institution or man (preacher/priest). I could never step foot into what I was involved in, I'm attracted to denominations that are quite different than where the abuse was experienced...but as of now we are not members of a "church" anywhere.

Don't know that we'd ever join anything again.
But, I do feel a connection to God. I believe He still loves me & is not angry at me for leaving that abusive sect. That was a tough one for me because the leader was telling me that God Almighty would be very angry if we left his "true church". and if God were anything like the controlling pastor, well.....pastor was very angry. Last time I spoke w/ him, he hung up on me when I was trying to wish him "Godspeed". So much for christian forgiveness & mercy. I agree w/ someone who said what he didnt like about christianity is CHRISTIANS.

Momof3, more people understand you than you know!
Love, FreeinJesus

[ex-shep]

I am looking for others who are like me. Abused in fundamentalist church as a child and unable to attend church as an adult. Everyone says "give it up to God" or "just let it go". But it will not go away. My religious upbringing is so intertwined with abuse it feels impossible to separate. I make this last bid effort to find others who can understand what I am saying


Welcome aboard. We have a lot of newcomers of late. That is good. The cliches mentioned above do not help much in the light of recent abuse. After some time in recovery, they can be helpful, but when the experience is raw is about as helpful as recovering alcoholic being told that a little wine will not hurt him.

I had to keep my interaction with evangelicals to a minimum to allow time for the group speak to die down. It took some time to separate the group speak and the sayings in healthy context. It is almost like an allergic reaction to evangelical communities. For years, I could not stand traditional Christmas carols for fear that at was being preached at and pulled back into my former groups. The old tapes can be maddening. Short of any major desensitization therapy, it just takes time to gain a healthy perspective on things.

In any case, I can relate to the madness. Glad you are here. Keep coming back.

[Gayle]

I am looking for others who are like me. Abused in fundamentalist church as a child and unable to attend church as an adult. Everyone says "give it up to God" or "just let it go". But it will not go away. My religious upbringing is so intertwined with abuse it feels impossible to separate. I make this last bid effort to find others who can understand what I am saying


yes momof3, Welcome to the forum. same here - totally abuse and religion intertwined from the time I was an infant. I experience the same feelings about attending church that will not go away - mostly a nauseating pang of anxiety that won't allow me to go any further. A friend mentioned just this last week that I'd not been back to their church for a very long time,,,,I simply agreed and let it drop. The anxiety is not work it for me. Gayle

[ex-shep]

yes momof3, Welcome to the forum. same here - totally abuse and religion intertwined from the time I was an infant. I experience the same feelings about attending church that will not go away - mostly a nauseating pang of anxiety that won't allow me to go any further. A friend mentioned just this last week that I'd not been back to their church for a very long time,,,,I simply agreed and let it drop. The anxiety is not work it for me. Gayle

You may want to check the International Cultic Studies Association website. I believe there are resources for those who grew up in abusive groups. There are retreats for such former members around the country sponsored by them and REfocus. I have saved up such retreats, it is worth every penny.

My understanding is that sub group has a special set of circumstances to contend with. I have read abstracts of panel discussions. No doubt a challenge. Hope the info helps.

[Anna Marta]

I am looking for others who are like me. Abused in fundamentalist church as a child and unable to attend church as an adult. Everyone says "give it up to God" or "just let it go". But it will not go away. My religious upbringing is so intertwined with abuse it feels impossible to separate. I make this last bid effort to find others who can understand what I am saying

You found some of them! Write away momof3 and we'll listen and provide whatever support and resources we can muster to help you.

In this forum, we care...
Anna Marta

[Jerry]

I am looking for others who are like me. Abused in fundamentalist church as a child and unable to attend church as an adult. Everyone says "give it up to God" or "just let it go". But it will not go away. My religious upbringing is so intertwined with abuse it feels impossible to separate. I make this last bid effort to find others who can understand what I am saying

Dear Mom of 3,,,
Give it up to God ????? What God ? Would that be the "god" yes lower case,,,god the abusers taught you to believe in ???

Just let it go ??? It ?????,,,,,,the abuse???? You can't let it go because you don't own it.....

"Your religious upbringing is so intertwined with abuse it feels impossible to separate"..........Sadly,that may be a permanent condition of history...Perhaps if you keep posting,and give the great Lady's here a chance,they can help you work through this confusion....The history is what it is,,,it's the "Future" that can change that is where peace awaits you. The truth can set you free,and if the truth sets you free,you will be free indeed .....Hey,,,I like that last line,but I think Jesus already said it .....Oh well ,thats me ,,,,,a day late and a dollar short :D WELCOME
Love Jerry

[SpinningHead]

Hi Mo3,

I was brought up in the fundie's churches...and while I didn't recognize the abuse that I endured then, I do now! I've often confronted my mother as to how she could allow so much of it...only she experienced her own kind of abuse at the same time (much of it ignorance - not knowing that she could stand up, afterall...they're the annointed ones, right??)

It took me a long time before I could go back to church...and when I did, boy did we experience a doozy! We left that church Sept of 05'.

I personally decided to give myself some time to process what happened and take a look back to see what signs were there. With that knowledge, I'm now attending a new church (in another state b/c we moved) and it's been over a year...and we like it.

I like knowing that I don't participate in things I don't want to, I leave when I feel like it, and don't go when I don't want to (such as this past Sunday they were having a huge children's day with kids singing and so forth...not for me). I know too that I don't accept everything someone with a Bible in their hands tells me and I can spot a controller a mile away.

You are not alone. It feels that way, but you are not alone.

There is no "just let it go"...but there is a process of accepting that the abuse happened...and it wasn't at the hands of God, it was at the hands of men/women who were trying to take your focus off God anyway they could to make you do/think what they wanted you to do. The abuse didn't happen over night, and neither will your trust return in a day. But the stronger you get as you process things, the more you'll feel like you can attend a new church knowing that you'll leave at the first sign of any funny business.

Hope that helps. If I'm way off the mark, then please ignore me.:rolleyes:

[momof3]

I appreciate everyone's kind responses. I also frequent the fundamental forum and a thread, very innocently started by someone else, has rocked me beyond all belief. It was about a rather unusual speaker who frequented fundy churches in the 70s. Most fundie churches in the 70s and 80s had pretty much the same round of speakers, evangelist, etc. In the 70s, a guy named john todd, who claimed to be an ex satanist came to our church for a week. He also hung around our christian school during the day, which was conducted in the church. I was 12 at the time. The whole church experience had already been pretty abusive in almost too many ways to mention but this man took the cake!! He would claim to see the "devil" lurking around certain girls and have them brought to him privately in the pastor's office. I was one of those unfortunate girls. He was later found to be a fraud and later imprisoned as a "high risk" sex offender. I believe he has died. Imagine having not only God, religion, perversion but even the devil all mixed up together as a child. It was literally hell on earth.

[patchouli]

momof3-I'm a mom of 3 as well. I wish that was the only thing we had in common, but after reading your story--well, I know EXACTLY what you have been through. Really.

In my experience, I had to leave all "church" organizations, teachings, and beliefs and start over with the one thing I knew to be true: God is.
The who, what, where, how, why questions are still being answered as I trust Jesus and not what I was taught in a fundamentalist church. I didn't know if Jesus loved me, even though I sang that song many, many times in church.

"I myself am the Good Shepherd and I recognize my sheep and my sheep recognize me." John 10:15

If there is one thing that I know now, it is that Jehovah, Yaweh, Breath of Life is the Truth and the Truth will continue to set me--and you, and all of us---FREE.

[Spiny Norman]

I like knowing that I don't participate in things I don't want to, I leave when I feel like it, and don't go when I don't want to ...
He he he ... you and I are alike!

Last Sunday our service started at 10am as usual. The guy who got up to preach only started at about 11:15am, so I already looking at my watch. When it got to 11:30am, after 15 minutes of semi-incoherent ramblings (each new thought seemings disconnected from the one which preceded it) he announced "I suppose I'd better start my sermon now" ...

... at which point I put on my jacket, whispered to my wife "I'm off home" and left. I spent the next hour restringing my acoustic guitar and popped back to church later to pick up my wife and daughter.

A few people looked at me strangely. I just smiled. Didn't they realise that my religion prevents me from spending more than 1.5 hours in church on a Sunday?! :D

[Spiny Norman]

I am looking for others who are like me. Abused in fundamentalist church as a child and unable to attend church as an adult. Everyone says "give it up to God" or "just let it go". But it will not go away. My religious upbringing is so intertwined with abuse it feels impossible to separate. I make this last bid effort to find others who can understand what I am saying
There are folk here who understand. Jesus knows your pain too ... He weeps with you.

[hornblower]

I guess you could say I was raised in a fundamentalist church. Its a southern babtist church and to me that is sort of fundamentalist. Baptist down here is different than up north.

But in any case that was not my problem now or then. I really believe these tapes are in our minds. It may be that they are part of humanity itself. I am reading a book on shame. Its really setting me free about whats been going on all of my life. There is good healthy shame just like there is a good kind of fear. We should be scared of running out into a busy street filled with oncoming traffic. Healthy shame is like that, it tells us to stay within some good perameters of social norms...........if they are good norms that is.

Unhealthy shame is when we are ashamed of being who we are and that is not good at all because God made us who we are and Hes not ashamed of us.

So anyway church can definitely plug into all of this for me and make me feel a lot worse because religious people can get into playing games instead of doing what the bible says to do, which is to love your neighbor as yourself.

Being free from this will take a lifetime because ultimately I believe it is the difference between really believing in what Jesus came for, which is to set us free from the law and what religious thinking is about is being a certain way according to mans traditions.

Jesus had a lot to say about traditions.

God looks on our hearts not on our appearances and we are not saved by our works but by our faith in what Jesus has done for us on the cross.
It is what Jesus did for me that I believe in not what I do.......

The outgrowth of that believing is what brings about my own good works of believing in Him.

How do I show that I believe in Him.........have a dance. Or a rest. Or a good laugh. Or a sunset. Or a quiet moment. A childs hug. Wash a dish. plant a flower. Smile. Cry. Hold someones hand. Touch a shoulder. It is what is going on inside your heart that He sees. God loves you my friend. Thats what it is about. Anything else is mans traditions.

[leelees]

hey there...i think ive been new for 2 years heh!

i don't think i had such a bad time as you mum of 3, it sounds terrible, im so sorry for what happened to you....i feel i was brought up in the abusive church as i was 13 when i joined it and left 3 years ago...its been a very long 3 years and it feels like it will never end...there was so much pain and rejection, shunning and an awful lot of shame but now i feel im starting to win the battle, not always with God but He certainly does help an awful lot...it felt like he didnt care one bit about me otherwise why would he have let this happen, but now i just would like to be some sort of help to people in this environment, so i understand the hurt you've been through!

xxx ;)