Hi I'm new

[Bereft]

Just to say hello. Going through the process of leaving a Christian healing centre. That place was everything to me, they were my family, and the rejection is unbearable. I had to move hundreds of miles away. Still hoping for reconciliation and trying to forgive but have presently been banned from going there. They are the only people I've ever opened up to, how can I ever trust anyone again? :confused:

Fiona

[ex-shep]

Fiona,

Welcome aboard. I can relate to the pain. I walked out of pentecostal bible school over 20 years ago myself. I had to move out of state to get a fresh start away from the group. There is a definite grieving process in leaving. You are not alone. There are many of us who have been there, seen it, done that and got the T-shirt.

You might want to scroll down to the post on step 1: withdrawal. Also the links off the website might be helpful. In any case make yourself at home. Feel free to share whatever is on your heart and mind. If you are not up to it, that is fine too. Just soak in the posts and the fellowship. Virtual coffee pot is always brewing. Glad you are here. Keep coming back.

[Bereft]

Thanks so much for your message. I read the stuff on withdrawal and it was SO HELPFUL to know there are other people who have been through similar things. There are lots of things on there that I think will really help me. I've felt so alone in all this, and can't explain to anyone why it's causing me so much pain so can't talk to anyone about it. I've felt like the whole situation is my fault but it's dawning on me that actually it was abuse -there is so much control and domination, and all I did wrong was to disagree with them when they wanted me to do things such as break all contact with my parents, including change my name and move near the Centre and not give my family my new address. I did actually move near the Centre and it became my whole life. They were SO LOVING when I first went there, it was the first place I'd ever felt safe (or so I thought). I got involved with 2 counsellors there who I began to trust and they became really good friends. They bought me presents, took me for coffee, hugged me all the time, wrote to me every week without fail, texted me. I saw them every week, either as friends or as counsellors, for 6 years. I went to stay there a lot. The "banning" happened only 2 days ago, when I tried to arrange to go back there and reconcile with them, as I've been trying to all along. It was the warden who banned me - it's him who has been telling them to withdraw from me and not answer my letters. They simply won't listen to me when I try to confront them or tell them how much pain their rejection is causing me.

[Jerry]

Just to say hello. Going through the process of leaving a Christian healing centre. That place was everything to me, they were my family, and the rejection is unbearable. I had to move hundreds of miles away. Still hoping for reconciliation and trying to forgive but have presently been banned from going there. They are the only people I've ever opened up to, how can I ever trust anyone again? :confused:

Fiona

Dear Fiona,,,
Welcome to our site :) ............Love does not exclude,,,,it embraces and causes it's object to bloom.

Love Jerry

[ex-shep]

Thanks so much for your message. I read the stuff on withdrawal and it was SO HELPFUL to know there are other people who have been through similar things. There are lots of things on there that I think will really help me. I've felt so alone in all this, and can't explain to anyone why it's causing me so much pain so can't talk to anyone about it. I've felt like the whole situation is my fault but it's dawning on me that actually it was abuse -there is so much control and domination, and all I did wrong was to disagree with them when they wanted me to do things such as break all contact with my parents, including change my name and move near the Centre and not give my family my new address. I did actually move near the Centre and it became my whole life. They were SO LOVING when I first went there, it was the first place I'd ever felt safe (or so I thought). I got involved with 2 counsellors there who I began to trust and they became really good friends. They bought me presents, took me for coffee, hugged me all the time, wrote to me every week without fail, texted me. I saw them every week, either as friends or as counsellors, for 6 years. I went to stay there a lot. The "banning" happened only 2 days ago, when I tried to arrange to go back there and reconcile with them, as I've been trying to all along. It was the warden who banned me - it's him who has been telling them to withdraw from me and not answer my letters. They simply won't listen to me when I try to confront them or tell them how much pain their rejection is causing me.

I am glad the material helped. You will find the forum will allow you to come as you are. Jerry hit it about love not being exclusive. I am working on line recovery meeting. Still working out the bugs. Hangeth on in there. It does get better.

[patchouli]

When I was informed that I had been "given over to Satan in order to save my soul," it felt like a head on collision. Everything, everyone I had known and trusted were suddenly not there anymore. My life as I had known it was over, and there was no rewind button.

And that's how I've dealt with it--like a disaster. That means shock, trauma, anger, and grief. The key for me was not get stuck in any one place, but to get through each one with grace and mercy, faith, and finally, forgiveness. That last one was the hardest because I had the wrong notion about what forgiveness is, and what it isn't.

Fiona, my hope and prayer for you is that one day soon, you will not be "bereft," but "joyful."

[dougjb]

Hi Bereft,
I would like to also welcome you here.:) Feel free to share your thoughts.

dougjb
some food for thought

[FreeinJesus]

... it's dawning on me that actually it was abuse -there is so much control and domination, and all I did wrong was to disagree with them when they wanted me to do things such as break all contact with my parents, including change my name and move near the Centre and not give my family my new address. I did actually move near the Centre and it became my whole life. They were SO LOVING when I first went there, ....

Dear Bereft, ((WELCOME))! I am so sorry about what you have experienced with that abusive group. :(
Ask yourself, if you had a child & they went away from you & this abuser told them to change their name & not contact you, what would you think, as that child's parent??

This is only my opinion, but those people sound dangerous! Stay as far away as possible, that's what I would do. I hope you see over time that those people are about 1 thing, namely CONTROL.

Also, I find it interesting that the leader is called a "warden" & yet this is a christian counseling center. I don't understand that....aren't "wardens" for prisons & rule over prisoners?:confused:
Please continue to read helpful information here & you could check out past threads too.
God guide you!!!! (((((HUG)))))

[ex-shep]

When I was informed that I had been "given over to Satan in order to save my soul," it felt like a head on collision. Everything, everyone I had known and trusted were suddenly not there anymore. My life as I had known it was over, and there was no rewind button.

And that's how I've dealt with it--like a disaster. That means shock, trauma, anger, and grief. The key for me was not get stuck in any one place, but to get through each one with grace and mercy, faith, and finally, forgiveness. That last one was the hardest because I had the wrong notion about what forgiveness is, and what it isn't.

Fiona, my hope and prayer for you is that one day soon, you will not be "bereft," but "joyful."


I hate that expression. The bible school used that expression if somebody left the school. The other one which drove me batty was "you do not have your eyes on Jesus".

[Bereft]

Hi everyone, thank you so much for all your messages. It's quite overwhelming as I have been on my own with this for so long...

The rejection began about 3 years ago but at first I couldn't believe it was happening so stayed and tried to resolve things. When the pain got unbearable I moved away and tried to resolve things by letter but all my letters have been ignored. I even tried mediation but they refused to speak to him. I'm still trying to get them to understand how much they've hurt me because I feel that if they understood they might apologise, might love me again like they used to.

I've been trying to forget them and move on but I just can't because I'd never experienced love like it before and I miss them terribly. I just can't believe they would be acting like this if they knew how much they were hurting me. The 2 prayer ministers I knew well were being controlled by the warden - he systematically told them to withdraw from me, one thing at a time. First their letters stopped, then texts, then coffee, etc, etc, eventually they were banned from hugging me and he even stopped them from going to meetings if he knew I was going to be there. Now this week he has banned me even from visiting the Centre.

I am still trying to get him to understand that I need to talk this through with them, pray about it with them, reach resolution. That's the only reason I want to go there so why won't he let me? I'm still planning on going. I now live 500 miles away so he can hardly stop me if I've travelled all that way.

The comment about a "warden" being in charge of prisoners was quite illuminating for me. It's like I have flashes where I can see that they're being abusive but then all the feelings of missing them take over, I start to remember all the good things and wonder how I can make things right again. I'm very confused at the moment. I'm not even sure what stage I'm in, if it was abusive. I know they don't mean to be abusive, maybe if they knew they were being abusive they'd apologise, if I could just make them understand...

Sorry for going on again.

Fiona

[Lamisa]

Fiona,

I am so sorry to hear what you have been through! My experience was similar, but thankfully I was only in my group for two years before I got away.

I have been gone for 1 year and 4 months. It is so wonderful to be gone. But I do understand b/c when I left I had to move 1000 miles away to be able to recover and rediscover who I am and my identity. Its been very hard and I am still not fully recovered, but Jesus is faithful and He will heal you over time.

Right now is a painful time for you though, and probably everything is pretty confusing and you don't even quite know what to believe?

I think all of us here understand that. It leaves you pretty lost for a time. It may feel hopeless, but eventually you will find your way again! It really helped me being able to post on this site and find people who truly understood what I had been through.

Honestly, most people just won'tget it when you share your experiences unless they have been spiritually abused themselves.

Anyway, I just want to encourage you and let you know that I and all of us here do understand what you are going through and we can relate.

I know for me, one of the most healing things has been finding people who actually understand how I feel and being able to sort through my thoughts and feelings here. It is very healing to know that you are not entirely alone and other people have felt what you are feeling.

Take care sweetie!! :o

[Anna Marta]

Dear Fiona,

I too want to express how sorry I am for you pain and your loss. The posts you have received from the others truly echo my thoughts too.

The betrayal and isolation along with the terrible pain (bet some of that pain is actual physical and not just emotional) can leave a person feeling disoriented and shell shocked, just like soldiers feel when they go through such a horrible experience. You may very well relive many situations repeatedly as well as chew almost constantly on what you could say or do that would change things.

This is the result of coming out of deception... realizing that the relationships you had with an organized groups/or group members individually were not authentic, but false - counterfeit love not real love. In some ways it mimics being cast aside by an unfaithful spouse...

The will NOT change... they had you bound and now you are free. The only thing that would change their attitude would be your allowing yourself to be bound all over again and lose your being, like losing your very soul to them.

God loves you Fiona. You are not isolated in this world. He has His hand over you and will lead through this process and provide you with the people and the resources you need. Green pastures, still water, restoring our soul that is what our deepest self yearns for, someone who will love us so much that we will have peace and security and be able to relax in their love.

I pray you will come through this time and begin the understand not just the process of recovery, but even more understand and see what your/our Father God is doing deep in your heart along the way. Your life has great value and purpose... my prayers are with you - as are those of the rest of the gang here on the forum.

Warmly,
Anna Marta

[ex-shep]

Sorry for going on again.

Fiona[/QUOTE]

Take all the time you need. That is what we are here for. Your scenario of trying to reconcile with your forner group is familiar. In recovery circles, insanity is defined as doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting the same result. You went the extra mile. You gave it your best shot to no avail. I know one group where I lost track of time that former members said, "I got tired of banging my head against the wall trying to reason with the leadership"

Endemic to an abusive group is the mindset we have the truth, you don't, and we are not going to budge.

[hornblower]

Just to say hello. Going through the process of leaving a Christian healing centre. That place was everything to me, they were my family, and the rejection is unbearable. I had to move hundreds of miles away. Still hoping for reconciliation and trying to forgive but have presently been banned from going there. They are the only people I've ever opened up to, how can I ever trust anyone again? :confused:

Fiona

Dear Lord when will it ever end???????????? Im so beyond sorry Fiona........I love your name by the way...........and it was supposed to be a healing place, what a crock!

I asked the Lord the very same thing just this morning..........when will I be able to trust again...........when will it stop bothering me............I heard this morning all you have to do is make up your mind to do better and its all up to our wills............yeah right! That was my famous JM I was listening too. Messes up my head big time thinking Im so lame and Ill never get better and not only that......... but whos to blame (?) nobody but myself.

The more we open up the worse it is isnt it?
And I for one open up pretty wide so I usually always get hurt.
I DONT trust anybody not even anyone in my family because Lord knows they dont get it.............they never stick their necks out to anyone. Everythings a joke to them.
Im not made that way.
All I can say is I love you Fiona and let her rip tell us we dont tell anybody........you cant see us and we are usually as far as I know kind and sympathetic the bad thing here is you have to wait to hear those kind words its not instant.

Love is what heals us and where is that? It is what it is and it is where it is and thats all we can do is to search for it and cling to it and let time take its course.

You are in my prayers my dear sister. http://shaneysbitnpeace.blogspot.com/

[Jerry]

I know they don't mean to be abusive, maybe if they knew they were being abusive they'd apologise, if I could just make them understand...

Sorry for going on again.

Fiona
Dear Fiona,,,
I call this the "Vindication Fantasy",,,,,,,,,,,,,,it will go away ;)

Love Jerry
P.S. Read the "C.S. Lewis" Quote at the top of the abuse forum

[jimsmuse]

Hi everyone, thank you so much for all your messages. It's quite overwhelming as I have been on my own with this for so long...

The rejection began about 3 years ago but at first I couldn't believe it was happening so stayed and tried to resolve things. When the pain got unbearable I moved away and tried to resolve things by letter but all my letters have been ignored. I even tried mediation but they refused to speak to him. I'm still trying to get them to understand how much they've hurt me because I feel that if they understood they might apologise, might love me again like they used to.

I've been trying to forget them and move on but I just can't because I'd never experienced love like it before and I miss them terribly. I just can't believe they would be acting like this if they knew how much they were hurting me. The 2 prayer ministers I knew well were being controlled by the warden - he systematically told them to withdraw from me, one thing at a time. First their letters stopped, then texts, then coffee, etc, etc, eventually they were banned from hugging me and he even stopped them from going to meetings if he knew I was going to be there. Now this week he has banned me even from visiting the Centre.

I am still trying to get him to understand that I need to talk this through with them, pray about it with them, reach resolution. That's the only reason I want to go there so why won't he let me? I'm still planning on going. I now live 500 miles away so he can hardly stop me if I've travelled all that way.

The comment about a "warden" being in charge of prisoners was quite illuminating for me. It's like I have flashes where I can see that they're being abusive but then all the feelings of missing them take over, I start to remember all the good things and wonder how I can make things right again. I'm very confused at the moment. I'm not even sure what stage I'm in, if it was abusive. I know they don't mean to be abusive, maybe if they knew they were being abusive they'd apologise, if I could just make them understand...

Sorry for going on again.

Fiona


Aww, sweet Fiona, I used to believe the same thing with all my heart,,,,,if they just knew the truth,,,,,if they could hear my side in person,,,,,,if they just could have seen what God was about to do in that place what a force we could have been.....blah,blah, blah...THEY DONT CARE, THEY NEVER DID!!!!
that was the heart breaking revelation. The ones that we called friends and helped raise their kids, bury their parents/spouses/dhildren,,,,,,,, pooey.

It was all about power,,their power, nothing else. I don't think I am still real bitter it's just that verbalizing these revelations makes me just incredulous.

So this isn't about waiting for their response because if all those wishes were true they wouldn't have hurt you in the first place! It's NOT your fault! It's about them not being who they said they are......

[ex-shep]

I asked the Lord the very same thing just this morning..........when will I be able to trust again...........when will it stop bothering me............I heard this morning all you have to do is make up your mind to do better and its all up to our wills............yeah right! That was my famous JM I was listening too. Messes up my head big time thinking Im so lame and Ill never get better and not only that......... but whos to blame (?) nobody but myself.



It is part of the recovery process one has to go through. It let up a little each day with time. It is process not an event. I have been there myself when I got out of my groups. It is maddening. It does pass with time.

[FreeinJesus]

......

Love is what heals us and where is that? It is what it is and it is where it is and thats all we can do is to search for it and cling to it and let time take its course.

http://shaneysbitnpeace.blogspot.com/

SO TRUE HB!!!!! By the way, hubby saw your name when I was reading the forum the other day, he really likes it too!:) he doesn't read the forum, he seems to understand sooooo much more than myself. He doesn't make it complicated. To him, people deceived us, put pressure on us to move our lives, but then when the *pastor* did a sermon about how "this church doesn't owe anybody friendship....", :(well.....that was enough for my husband to see the BS. I make toooooo much out of stuff, like God would be mad if we left, looking at the theological shit, seeing if it would be OK to leave......my God....I wish I were more like my husband to just see it. I do, but I make it way too complicated, & I guess it is if you fight over jots & tittles of the law.:confused::rolleyes: We were deceived....we were deceived.:(:( End of story for me...finally I see it. The truth HURTS.
Oh well....I thank God that we got out!
I know I just rambled on there, but it really hit me what Hornblower said about LOVE, that's what we all need & were looking for. Sadly it wasn't what many of us got....& we gave our hearts & souls. Oh well....:( gotta keep moving ahead, moving on with God's help.:)

[Bereft]

Thanks everyone it's been helpful to hear people's stories. Every single message has been so inspiring, really helped me through a very painful week.

Had another email from the warden today, repeating that "he's not having me there" any more. I wish I could just walk away and move on. IF I DIDN'T LOVE THEM SO MUCH I might be able to do that. The way they are towards me now is SUCH a contrast to when I first went there and I just can't accept that they can have changed so much into these rejecting, hateful people they're being now. It's as if the "real them" is somehow hiding, and if I can just find them again...If I can just explain to them properly, in a way they'll understand, how much they're hurting me. Tonight is their meeting night, so right now they'll be worshipping, preaching, praying for people, pretending I never existed (or gossiping about me). That is so painful.

I'm still planning on going to visit them despite the "ban." I haven't seen them in person since I moved away, so maybe if I talk to them face to face they'll listen to me.

Yet part of me knows that what I should do is walk away and keep on walking, stop kidding myself they'll change back to "nice them." That's the gist of what some of you are saying. But I just can't bring myself to leave things like this, it feels so unresolved, like they hate me - it's like I'd feel hated for ever. I've told them I forgive them and will keep on forgiving them, no matter how many times they hurt me. I think someone mentioned banging your head against a wall. I know there are others who have been treated in a similar way by the warden. He can basically treat people how he likes as he is accountable to noone (there are some trustees, but they are all his friends). And all the other staff at the Centre are like his puppets, they do what he says without questioning it. I was stupid to question things.


It was encouraging to hear about people who have been through similar things and come out the other side. I'm taking real inspiration from that.

Fiona

[FreeinJesus]

Thanks everyone it's been helpful to hear people's stories. Every single message has been so inspiring, really helped me through a very painful week.

..... The way they are towards me now is SUCH a contrast to when I first went there and I just can't accept that they can have changed so much into these rejecting, hateful people they're being now. .....

I'm still planning on going to visit them despite the "ban." I haven't seen them in person since I moved away, so maybe if I talk to them face to face they'll listen to me.

Yet part of me knows that what I should do is walk away and keep on walking, stop kidding myself they'll change back to "nice them." That's the gist of what some of you are saying. But I just can't bring myself to leave things like this, it feels so unresolved, like they hate me - it's like I'd feel hated for ever.......
.......I was stupid to question things.
....It was encouraging to hear about people who have been through similar things and come out the other side. I'm taking real inspiration from that.

Fiona

Dear Fiona, Just remember that validation for your life does not come from a group of people who call themselves a "church" or whatever.....your validation comes from God who loves you very, very much!

Also, IMHO you did absolutely nothing wrong in questioning him. He certainly isn't God & makes mistakes so it is good & right to question. Unfortunately CONTROLLERS don't like to be questioned, they can't handle that they could actually be wrong!

Believe me Fiona, I went through something very similiar, there has been absolutely no closure for us. We questioned, we became the enemy, we were shunned & God only knows what's been being said about us & our character. IT HURTS, but you know what, it's also not worth our time to try & explain to those folks how terribly wrong they are. God must touch them or they must began to question & see the truth that will set them free....that's just something that I cannot do for them. They have to be willing to open their eyes & see the truth.

my .02 FWIW
Love, FIJ

[Anna Marta]

You are right it IS SO hard to walk away.

I had to ask myself if those people ever really were my friends. Did they love me or did I just fit into a mold so that we had something in common, and they called it loving someone who was like them?

By any definitions of love given in the bible or exhibited by Jesus that which is shown at an abusive church is NOT love! It is a counterfeit and it is false. We don't shun someone we love if they don't agree with us or conform to what we think they should be.

What you are feeling is most probably grief. You lost something you probably thought was good and fine and helped to define your life. They fool us, you know into thinking that serving their church is the same as serving God. They fool us into thinking that disobeying them and their rules and control and manipulation is the same as disobeying God. Waking up to the knowledge that we have been used and abused IS painful.

Who "they are" has absolutely nothing to do with "who you are." You are a real person, a child of God created to be free and unique. Created to love and be loved in freedom - not forced into a slavery of conformity to an organization and the whims and wishes of others. St. Paul said, we are to be "transformed" NOT CONFORMED! There is a huge difference and you are discovering how one leads to slavery and the other to the freedom of being IN Christ, not IN an organization.

I hope this helps. The pain will lessen sometime as you learn to live free and let them dwell in their valley of confusion and cloudy, twisted misinterpretations of truth.

I know how awful it is to not be able to call the old girlfriend to chat or have coffee. Can you begin to look at this as a necessary loss? It was bad company, the kind you would help your child to get rid of. As adults we forget how hard and scary it is when we tell our children to leave a group and find new friends. There is a time of unbalance and uncertainty during which one feels at loose ends and afraid and maybe even empty.

You WILL make new friends. This too will pass, if you allow it to... however long it takes.

Love
Anna Marta

[Bereft]

Thanks, what you say makes a lot of sense. The most painful thing is that I opened up to 2 of the people there about my past, etc, for the first time in my life. (One of them was the warden's wife). I told them things I'd never told anyone else. I trusted them completely and bared my heart to them - they encouraged me to talk to them and I went deeper and deeper. It took me a long time to trust them (years), but because of all their coaxing etc, I eventually dared to. I couldn't believe it when they then rejected me, just because the warden told them to. They were like mothers to me and the grief is like that of a little girl. Sounds silly, I know.

Thank you so much for your encouragment.

Fiona

[FreeinJesus]

You spoke to me with that Ana Marta!
THANKS!!!
((((HUG))))
FreeinJesus