Surrounded by them!

[Anna Marta]

Since learning more about the controlling personality it seems that I am surrounded by these kinds of people!

My recovery process has consisted of learning to recognize the techniques and be able to deal with them constructively.

It is becoming easier for me to sense when I am in a conversation that is a competitive win-lose situation. What I have learned about ME is that I too like to win... :eek: and it has taken me some time to be able to dampen that competitive desire and walk away without needing to argue, complain, whine or resent the person who has THE control problem.

My mom used to say that "some people are more to be pitied than censored." I think that is what Christ meant when He said ...forgive them, they don't know what they are doing.

[Jerry]

Well ,,,,,I for one think the world would be a much better place if everyone would just do as I say......... :eek: :D

[ex-shep]

Both my wife and I suffer from it. I have moved beyond years ago in the recovery process. Up until a few months ago, it was a problem with Shelly. She is starting to work on it or God is doing those things which she cannot do for herself. Then I had a curious feeling of deja vu with Tammy. I did not play into it. I had enough practice in control issues that I was not going to play.

Isn't codependency wonderful?!!

[Booky]

Isn't codependency wonderful?!!

:o I agree that the treatment and recovery of codependence is wonderful.

Of course I am sure that is what you (and Anna) meant but I like it to be more clear.

Often times when I consider how blessed I am for having the great recovery info so that I can now effectively deal with unhealthy people and situations - then at times I wish there had been an easier way of getting to this point.

It seems that some blessed persons are extremely healthy in relationships and in communicating and they did not go through codependency to get there.

My useless envy of those blessed without the trials of codependency is small in comparison to all the many that have not tasted recovery.

:eek:

[Willow]

Wow Booky... thanks for that link. It led me on a very informative study. I stumbled on some explanations for my own problems. Thanks!

[Anna Marta]

Actually Booky, I wasn't referring to codependency or recovery from it. While codependency is an important topic, that has not been my primary area for work and healing.

My recovery journey has involved a long and convoluted study of personality and learning disorders and their impact.

As an adult learner, I have the opportunity to not only read, learn and assimilate worthwhile information, but now that there is no longer any pressure to perform (for academic credentials), I am free to examine materials and make decisions that are worthwhile for me that also result in being a help to others.

This journey has RE-introduced me to a relationship with Father God. I see it is as a deeply personal experience with the Holy Spirit as both guide and comforter. I am often "struck dumb" with the juxtaposition of when I find certain information and when it is useful/needed. As this happens often enough, I realize it is not a series of co-incidences, but a path on which I am being led.

I am in my early 60's - yet this is the great adventure of my life. I think my later years are more exciting than my earlier ones. Statistically my life is more than 3/4 over and it's just getting really GREAT :cool:

Henry Blackaby in his book "Experiencing God" explains how God goes before us and the importance of looking for the trail He is already blazing instead of constantly trying to make a new way. For me that is the definition of recovery.

The journey IS the work and the destination is immaterial. Every time I have worked myself into one of those "IF I can get this (or get there), THEN I will be happy" traps I am left disappointed and worn out.

Perhaps I am "surrounded by them" because I have always been surrounded by them, only now I can recognize them and practice what I am learning? The truth is that "they ain't going away" so I have to learn to deal with them in every walk of life without letting that experience slowly eat away at me or destroy my peace and joy in life.

A long answer, but good for me to have taken the time to formulate it.
Fondly,
Anna Marta

[hornblower]

I agree Anna I am also surrounded by them. At first I hate it and then I fight back then I realise what am I doing (?) then I begin to silently ask God what the heck? Then the wonderful thing is I remember to breathe as Theo would often say or rest as God often says to my insides..........rest, what a wonderful peace it is.

Its no formula, its no book, its not anything I can tell anyone, its just that place where I am with Him alone again.

People just want to do that thing........that....... its my way or the highway thing..........they want to control everything around them and they cannot see it and dont want to see it they simply dont care.
There's nothing I can do if I do anything I'm automatically back into their boat.

Sometimes I just sleep. Or remember to shut up.........sometimes I cannot sleep there isn't that option or sometimes i cant bead..........beading is my private place where they cant get to me..........if they dont stop and it keeps on I have to leave.

Leaving and silence. Its not how I grew up.
Yesterday a person who is extremely competitive and refuses to see it as a wrong thing started in on me and I bit the bate.

This person said to me.........you should learn to be quiet and speak in a tone that is quieter.........
translation..........
let me have my way and abuse you all I want! You be still and let me do it.

I shot him the bird..................is that quiet enough?

Its so true that I now see that learning and growing to the places we have come too can put us in odd positions when no one else is there with us on that same island. I would like to quit and just be loving and kindly and go about in a healthier way but the rest of my world doesnt even care to find out about these same things.

So ...........I go on with God. Hes my bud..........and the cool thing is He gives me love for them to my great surprise and if not then I just bead it out...............my art helps me so much.

I'm with you........I think the early sixties are getting good! What shall we name this journey of being sixties happy, or is it really happiness? Whatever it is, it is in some ways looking up for me too.

[Willow]

This person said to me.........you should learn to be quiet and speak in a tone that is quieter.........
translation..........
let me have my way and abuse you all I want! You be still and let me do it.

I shot him the bird..................is that quiet enough?

HAHAHAHA... That's My GIRL! LOL :D

[Anna Marta]

II would like to quit and just be loving and kindly and go about in a healthier way but the rest of my world doesnt even care to find out about these same things.

So ...........I go on with God.

HB,
You are SO right! The rest of the world doesn't care to find out about these deeper, richer, life giving things.

I think many people who have walked the counseling and growth path would agree that it sets you apart. Those who have not walked that journey are not interested in having their boats rocked.

Here is a saying that helps me when I am evaluating what is happening around me. "Those who are bound, will seek to bind me."

Negative people don't want happy people around them...
Deceived people don't want to hear the truth.
Superficial people don't want to talk about deeper things.
Angry people shun peace.
Selfish people hate generosity.


Christ said that for freedom we were set free, but being free isn't all that easy is it? I have to learn to live free where I am and not let the influence of others lure me back into bondage. It sounds like you are getting good at that these days.

I am an optimist by nature. I am no longer deceived in the area of abuse (spiritual or otherwise). I live my life on a deep level and need others who also do so. I seek peace. I love to be generous and find great joy in sharing what I have. Why in the hell would I go back to being controlled and manipulated just because where I am makes someone else uncomfortable? Forget it!

I too find solace in my hobbies... and learning new ones :eek: I too know that I need to do some inner work when I can't concentrate on doing what I love to do.

It's nice to have brothers and sisters in Christ on this road, isn't it?
Love
Anna Marta

[hornblower]

Hey Anna.........I just got off the phone talking to the contact person for the once a month meeting in Dallas for SA people.
Hope I go, it meets the 21st of June.
Would you believe Im on the verge of tears? It was hard telling her my story. It was even harder hearing her gasp and then the ah and the oh and it sounded like she thought I might be insane???????? Or that it might not have happend which is what I always get from people.

This is the kind of crap I have in my head now. All of this paranoia going on. She asked if I was going to a counselor yes I am a Christian one at that........but does it do me any good???????? Thats debatable because as this lady so aptly put it, so many Christians dont have a clue what to say to an abused SA person............NO KIDDING!
Not even my counselor!
Its like so...????????....... go on.........get over it.........just forgive and forget..........yeah right!

Ive always been very brave for Jesus but lately since this thing happend to me Im a sap! Of course I did just walk straight out of the BSF stupid crap class when that woman barked at me........slammed the door...........not too hard but it just shuts loud anyway. Dusted off my feet when I got out of the parking lot and drove home and didnt cry much until maybe a day or so later and even then it wasnt really because of them, its because Im so DIFFERENT!

I need hard core pain related people. People that understand what Im talking about.
My husband doesnt understand my son doesnt get me and my daughter although she most certainly has more than enough pain in her life its almost way too much for me to tell her anything. Her problems far outweigh mine.

All I have ever wanted is for her to get well. For her to do well. I dont have to have her be a star or succesful or you know I just would like normal if I could but maybe not.

I prayed for her a long lonely time this morning. I couldnt sleep last night, had a bad dream about her. I worry that she could get dupped into somebodies snare. She needs and wants a friend so badly I think she might almost do anything.

You know Anna..........I think God has us in a special place. A very special place indeed, more than we could ever know.

[ex-shep]

I can understand Hornblower's frustration. It does feel like one just stepped off a spaceship from Mars. Evangelicals have an extremely hard time understanding spiritual abuse. I have discovered mainline protestant churches are more understanding.

I was lucky somehow. I just talked about my cult experiences to anyone who would listen. I was able to get the stuff out my system as well as educate the public about cults and mind control. I also made quite a few friends in the process, especially the first year out of my group and before I moved out of state.

Those who live in Texas might find the Dallas group helpful. The facilitator has done quite a bit of homework before getting the recovery group started. If anyone can afford the drive, it might be worth it.

[hornblower]

shep I called her and Im hoping to go this June. Their meetings are only once a month and good thing because who could afford to drive that far. I dont think Im teaching so I am also hoping that my husband will go with me. I think it would help him a lot to understand. After all he went through much of the same things its just that he totally will never go back????????? Not that I blame him.

I have another iron infusion today, almost seven to eight hours sitting there with IVs.
Hurts me that when I go I notice that everyone else there seems to have many people supporting them, talking to them, helping them with whatever they need, Not me, never! Not in this family, you are on your own.

My counselor gave me some hard stuff yesterday and I dont know if I can swallow it or not. On top of that I messed up on my phone and accidentally called my ex stevens minister thinking I was calling my daughter. These phones are driving me to drink!
She called me back saying she would get in touch with me she had an appointment........havent heard from her dont know what the heck Im going to say to her............all of it makes me feel like s*****!!!!

My counselor says........."Its ok to be angry but you are supposed to pray and give that anger over to the Lord and let Him carry it for you. We take it back but we shouldnt........"

Is this kindergarten all over again?
Yeah it is!

As if?

I dont know about her.........its not like I dont know all of this to begin with and to say that I havent done all of that makes me crazy????????? So why go to somebody to become MORE crazy?:eek:

Facts are in this world its that people do not care nor do they have time for you or want to care. Injustices are a way of life here. Yes its very frustrating.

I get it that people cant handle anger, OK I get it!

So where does any of this leave me? Right where I am ALONE!:confused:

I will NEVER believe this is the way God wanted it to be. He wants yus to love each other and be compassionate but..........heres the rub...........love involves the cross big time!

No matter how hard you try or want things to be different they wont be ever as long as we are down here we will suffer the pains of His cross. The world is full of sinners and me? Im there too!

I had a friend a week ago that I didnt respond too the right way and she is mad at me..........I couldnt handle her anger..........she is angry at her husband for being old and sick, deaf and poor, she feels sorry not for Job but for Jobs wife.........??????????........I just couldnt handle her yelling at me any longer I left.........

So I do these things to myself by not wanting to put up with people. Id rather bead
and read and watch Jane Austin movies.

BY the way if any of you would care to comment on my blog I would appreciate it............ http://hornblowerspace.blogspot.com/

[ex-shep]

No matter how bad things get, do not pick up the first drink. I may be overreacting, but you get the point. Let me know how the meeting goes.

[SpinningHead]

Since learning more about the controlling personality it seems that I am surrounded by these kinds of people!

My recovery process has consisted of learning to recognize the techniques and be able to deal with them constructively.


Good for you for recognizing a controlling person and learning how to deal with them constructively!!! BRAVO!! That's so huge!

I think you'll start to find that a controlling person doesn't like to be "outed"...and when said controlling behavior is confronted in a way that it is clearly unacceptable to you and won't be tolerated by you, that person will find reasons to stay away from you. Then you'll see the quality of genuine people around you improve.

One of the BEST books I've ever read was Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson (and some other authors but I forget which ones at the moment). I think you will find it to be very enlightening and empowering.

[Anna Marta]

SH,

Thanks for the encouragement. I own Crucial Conversations too. Yep, I have found that controllers melt away when they are confronted with power... however "soft" the power may appear, they KNOW it when they are confronted with it. A controller recognizes pretty quickly those who will not allow themselves to be controlled and go graze in other pastures. In my experience, it was ME that was left with the problem because I didn't want to give up and let him/her go away.

As my DH says, when God shows me this person has changed I'll let them back in my life, until then - they're outta here!!! (Oh to be a man, and live in those little compartments they are so good at erecting...)

Anna Marta

[Anna Marta]

BY the way if any of you would care to comment on my blog I would appreciate it............ http://hornblowerspace.blogspot.com/

HB,

I went to your blog spot and it knocked my socks off! I HIGHLY recommend others go and look at your creative ability, which is more than talent, you are truly gifted, my friend. CONGRATULATIONS!!!

I would love to purchase one of your drawings.
Love
Anna Marta

[Booky]

One of the BEST books I've ever read was Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson (and some other authors but I forget which ones at the moment). I think you will find it to be very enlightening and empowering.



:) A link to the book is HERE (http://www.bookfinder4u.com/detail/0071401946.html) and it shows at least five (5) authors.

I just requested that book from my local Library and the book discription given on that link and at my library website sounds great to me.

I know that book reference was not directed directly at me but I thank you for it anyway.

:D

[Booky]

SH,

Yep, I have found that controllers melt away when they are confronted with power... however "soft" the power may appear, they KNOW it when they are confronted with it. A controller recognizes pretty quickly those who will not allow themselves to be controlled and go graze in other pastures.


Anna Marta

:eek: That is just so well said that I feel I must give my compliments for it. :)

[Hope 98]

I've got the books "Crucial Conversations" and "Crucial Confrontations" as well. I should probably read them again, because I still feel like I'm missing something.

I subscribe to their email newsletter too - and submitted a question that was answered in the last issue ;)

Aren't I special?

[Anna Marta]

Aren't I special?

Dearest Hope,

You don't have a clue how REALLY special you are! I think I'm glad about that actually... :):):)
AM

[Anna Marta]

...I still feel like I'm missing something.

Hi again Hope,

I gottcha on that one! I KNOW I am missing "something"... and think I may be finally finding some "clues about why", but not necessarily exactly "what" I am missing at different times.

I know that I am "out in left field" sometimes in large groups and do much better in small groups. I get the sense often that I don't fit in... because actually, I don't! I am now evaluating what groups or situations give me that sense and, to be honest, I wonder if it has to do with superficiality of the conversational topics... which is not a bad thing because I don't enjoy blah, blah, blah about fashion, the right shoes, what kind of car you drive, your position etc.

I think that in superficial social situations I can be perceived as a threat to the status quo because I usually manage to say something much too personal to someone. It can be magnets with the wrong poles facing each other... My husband thinks it is funny. I am getting there. We both avoid cocktail parties, but love more personal gatherings like picnics where people are more real.

AM

[hornblower]

Speaking on this subject........I think I feel like I dont fit in because I felt that way growing up and when I did finally 'connect' with my parents anyway I found the reason I felt that way is that in truth..........I DONT fit in at all!

Maybe this gets back to the inner deeper sense that I am indeed actually 'chosen' and I am even though I hate this sermonette that some people use but I may be in reality 'destined' to be who I am in Christ.

All I know is that in the every day stuff the only time I am really happy on the inside is when Jesus speaks to me and fullfills whatever it is that is bothering me and it seems that when He does it only takes one word from Him. Like the other day and this has been several days ago. I was talking to Him while I was driving and I think I was saying something like ........"its never ending God all of this painful stuff I feel..........why cant it stop? Why is it that all of the so called preachers and teachers and everybody around me always seems to have easy answers for me like "get a different outlook" "grow up" "get on with your life' " "be postive!" (that one really stinks for me anyway)........everybody else seems to be doing better than I am and I am so sick of it!
Nobody seems to 'get' me. That really hurts when they are close to me like my own family.

For instance........yesterday my son called to talk to me. That is so nice of him. He shares what he is going through (Ive heard all of it before) which is ok with me, believe me any chance I have to talk to him is always or anyway I think its always, nice???????????

Hes our one kid that has it all together. My other one as you know is constant pressure. Its hard to love her too, I mean in practicality, as she is so ill and thats hard to explain to anybody how she is. Its like her brain has thick walls all around it and yet then at times I think shes the only person in this world that maybe understands me even a little bit.

Anyway I got the distinct feeling my son could care less what I say about anything, in fact I felt like he was multitasking when I was speaking to him.

Then last night at the birthday party for his oldest son he mentioned to me that maybe I need to do weight watchers.....................so much pain hit me......................

Ok I know its just the crap people say...........he is and has always been thin and his wife is even more thin.........their kids are almost disapearing........what do they eat? JUNK!
I eat healthy and Im overweight and they eat JUNK and are thin! I looked down the table..........everyone that was there is thin and succesful too, they all have good jobs and look rich and succesful.

The grandsons who used to couldnt wait to see me now think I am like too dumb to bother with. All they seem to do is play video games.

Any type of conversation at all seems boring to them and they roll their eyes at me.

Im devastated!
I know I shouldnt be but hey I am!

When I told Jesus about all of these types of things you know what He said to me?

"Its the world. Plain and simple, its just the world. This is what you get when you live here."

So what can I do about it, I asked Him?

He said to me........."Behold I have overcome the world!"

Now to be honest I wish I could tell you what the heck that means! I havent got a clue, but at the time what came to me is that its something He alone does, not me, I cant do that at all and I shopuldnt even really try anyway because its useless to try it its Him and Him alone that can do it.

I dont have an explanation but peace flooded me when He said that to me it really did.
It feels so good to know that its Jesus that takes care of the way things are, not me.
I dont understand it, I dont have too!
Now I just need some more of it today because that stuff its exactly like mannah...........it doesnt keep overnight. I have to go back and get more of it or I starve and starving hurts.
http://hornblowerspace.blogspot.com/