Am I at a turning point???

[Pinkie Pie]

Although I don't post a lot, as most of you know, my posts lately have mostly centered around working through abandonment issues with my pastor's wife, who is like a second mom to me. The abandonment issues come from both my childhood, and from the abusive church I attended for 10 years, where literally at least once a year, and in the last few years I was there - every few months - the pastor would decide he didn't want to pastor us anymore and would shut down the church for a period of time. (Sick, I know....)

My current pastor and his wife know all about the hurt I experienced at the former church, don't know much of anything about my childhood. But nevertheless have been very nurturing and supportive and patient with me, especially his wife. The constant message from them is, to take my time with healing, helping me process feelings of abandonment, etc.

Well I've noticed in the last few weeks or so, that I am starting to become less panicky and anxious about being separated from the pastor's wife. For 2 1/2 years I have been like a little child with her, which I needed, and I needed her nurturing and loving and affection. I still need her nurturing and affection, but now it's not like I'm starving for it anymore.

The problem NOW is, with these feelings of being more confident in myself, and less dependent on her emotionally, I am starting to panic because of the fear that if I am less dependent on her, I will be on my own, and she won't love me anymore. Or worse, that I will stop loving her. Healthy loving relationships are like a foreign language to me, so I have no idea how to love someone from a position of self-confidence. It has always been from a position of either fear, or since I've been at my safe church, from a position of wounded love-starved little girl.

What comes after healing? I've never known. What is out there for me? The thought of "bonding" with people still terrifies me, but I know I can't live the rest of my life in parent-child relationships. I don't know what to do. The one time in my life when I have felt safe, happy, nurtured, (even with the struggles in my journey towards healing), and that I have felt like the little girl I never got to be growing up, I am terrified of that ending. Does it have to end? And if it does, is there something on the other side for me???

[Willow]

Hi Pinkie... congrats on the growth you've achieved! It is scarey... like a bird flying out of a cage. The cage trapped the bird... but also protected the bird from the outside. Maybe you don't have to leave the cage all at once? Maybe just take a test flight and see what happens? Let your pastor's wife know what you are doing so she is ready when you land in the safe zone again.

Hope this helps.
Willow

[Pinkie Pie]

Hi Pinkie... congrats on the growth you've achieved! It is scarey... like a bird flying out of a cage. The cage trapped the bird... but also protected the bird from the outside. Maybe you don't have to leave the cage all at once? Maybe just take a test flight and see what happens? Let your pastor's wife know what you are doing so she is ready when you land in the safe zone again.

Hope this helps.
Willow

Oh I like that approach! I'm going to try a test flight. Thank you so much, Willow. I'll let you know what happens.............................It's interesting that you use that analogy, because my Pastor's wife and I were just talking a few weeks ago, about a message my Pastor had preached about how baby eaglets learn to fly and how the parent eagles teach them to fly but are also there to snatch them back up if they fall.

[Willow]

Cool! :D

[Jerry]

Dear Pinkie,,
I think there is a way here to get rid of all the fear and make it all go as smooth as a babys butt :D ....Print out your origional post and give it to your Pastors wife.From what you describe,,,,,,,,,,,she'll know what to do ;)
Love Jerry

[Sheep]

Healthy loving relationships are like a foreign language to me, so I have no idea how to love someone from a position of self-confidence. It has always been from a position of either fear, or since I've been at my safe church, from a position of wounded love-starved little girl.

What comes after healing? I've never known. What is out there for me

Pinkie Pie,

These are GREAT questions! I struggle with trying to have a healthy relationship due to fear of abandonment and trust issues myself. Will I always be this little lamb needing, needing, needing? Or will I grow up to be a dumb sheep needing to be sheared over and over again always feeling this deep loneliness even though there are other sheep all around me? Let me know how it goes with your situation. Turning points are good - I think - because the Lord can guide our steps around the corner.

Sheepie :)