Lack of Support System Hindering Recovery

[Voyager]

I honestly believe that if I could find some type of support system to replace the spiritually abusive church that I left six years ago, I could "move on" into recovery from spiritual abuse.

When we left our former church, we left everyone and everything that we knew as family and friends. Both my wife and I were raised in dysfunctional families, so we don't have any family ties to speak of. Her mother recently became a pentecostal and severed ties with us due to our "backslidden" condition since we stopped attending church (typical pentecostal arrogance and bigotry). Her dad spent time in prison as a pedophile, so we don't want him around our kids. The only person that we have contact with is her brother once every few months.

On my side of the family, we have my dad (I don't even know where he is). He spent 18 years in prison for various crimes beginning when I was almost two years old, and I have only seen him a handful of times in my life. He is still living a life of crime as far as I know. My only brother followed in his footsteps, and is in and out of prison. My half-sister is 29 years old and has been in a mental ward since she was 14 for schizophrenia. My mom is crushed under the weight of trying to "fix" my brother and half-sister, and she is extremely codependent and not a good influence for my daughters. That's pretty much the extent of my family. I have tried to reconnect with some of my cousins who I grew up around, but it has been an uphill battle. I'm lucky if I see them once or twice a year during the holidays.

I guess I should be happy that I have my wife and two young daughters by my side. That's more than a lot of people can say. But I am worried about not having a support system for my daughters to grow up with. It's not myself that I am worried about - I could go without one. But when my daughters hit their teen years and the only support they have is my wife and I, it seems like the weight will simply be too heavy for us. Teens need a grandpa, a grandma, an aunt or uncle, cousins, or someone outside their home to turn to. The weight of not having a support system is already becoming unbearable for us, and our girls still have a few years before they enter their teen years.

My concern is that teens without a community of support usually head off in the wrong direction. I hate to quote a politician in here, but the statement "It Takes A Village" is very true indeed. Unfortunately, my wife and I are adamantly opposed to trying to find a church family ever again. That leaves us with very few options - if any. The church structure looks very attractive, because it would give our daughters friends and adult figures to look to outside of our household. But I do not believe I could stomach the "us vs. them" sermons ever again.

:confused:

[ex-shep]

Just got out of bed and need to get ready for work. I can empathise with the lack of support system. I was maddening for me.

I have been dreaming of starting an internet forum off the church website where I go and liking it to here. The senior minister is sensitive to a healthy christian walk without the legalistic and coercive trapping.


In the meantime, continue to reach out. What worked for me was finding some 12 step groups that would take the time to listen. Al Anon and Codependent Anonymous recognize there are member who are abusive situations. My favorite Al-Anon group had me the still suffering refugee smarting from loosing Tammy, I was 3-4 years out by then, and a card carrying atheist. We were the best of friends. If you live in a rural area, that can be a challenge; it might be worth the drive to a nearby city.

I will make a commitment to play catch up on the posts. I got so caught up in responding to Willow last night that I nearly went to bed when my wife got up for work.

[ChurchHappens]

Hi Voyager,

First let me say that there is hope and you have more options than you may think or see right now.

I'm wondering if God has you on the same path as us. I don't have all the answers but it has been an interesting journey that both my wife and I have been on.

In our situation my wife and I were very faithful church attenders and workers for over 20 years. Including 5 years on the mission field. That is until 2 years ago. (Long story other thread).

Anyways we've discovered that there are other options than going to church. The Lord says that He is the one who will build His Church and that doesn't mean it is inside a building or even in a home.

What the Lord had to do in us first was to get a religious spirit out to give us new eyes to see things differently. (I'm sure we still have a ways to go on this).

As far as the children go my opinion is that there are just as many bad influences in the church as there is outside. What we and our children need to learn is how to BE THE CHURCH to others instead of just going to church and thinking that is it in our Christian walk.

On http://www.ChurchHappens.com there are many articles and resources on how to BE THE CHURCH. I would highly recommend reading the online book "He Loves Me". Then the other articles from Wayne and Chip on the Articles and Resources links are fantastic. Wayne and Chip both used to be pastors but they have found this other way.

Jesus asked us to seek, knock and ask. To focus on Him and He will draw us to others in due time and that doesn't mean that the goal would be to build anything but a relationship with them and with Christ together.

This might also touch you: http://www.lifestream.org/LSBL.May04.html also http://www.lifestream.org/LSauthentic.html even if you don't order it you can read the Preface online.

May God bless you on your voyage. :)

[Voyager]

What little contact I have with my codependent mom is never good, and is probably actually hurting my cause as a parent. The other day I told her that my nine-year-old was starting to use name-calling, and her response was, "That's what my daughter started doing right before she went schizophrenic." She was referring to my half-sister, which is her only daughter.

Advice like this is better off remaining unsolicited. When I try to turn to my mom for support, I get the opposite. I'm trying to raise two daughters, and the only experience she has is with her only daughter who went insane at the age of 13. She always shares her experiences with me, which offers me no advice at all on how to raise a sane daughter. But it's hard for me to sever ties with her when she is the only family member on my side that I have any contact with.

:(

[Willow]

It's really hard to support you in this issue when my attempts at building community have consisted of local pubs, biker bars and other various and sundry activities. I kinda left those behind now. It was fun for awhile, but I only wanted to walk around the edge. After a certain amount of time the ground around the edge gets soft and the threat of falling in is greater than the fun. There were some good folks at the bars... I just don't want to hang around addiction that closely. The other attempt at community for me was beginning to meet men to date. Previously, my standards were so high that I had no space to allow a man into my life lest I fall into sexual sin. I decided that was more of an excuse to keep myself isolated and jumped in with both feet. I've dated a few different kinds of men. They all have their problems just like I do. The latest lives in a different state. It makes the dating process a bit cumbersome, but also slows the process to a more comfortable speed.

I have to say... I did do a couple of community activities that were kinda cool. I joined a horse back riding club that was kinda fun. Lots of them are very close to each other... kinda like a church. I guess it's because they spend so much time together and have a common interest.

OK... I'm off the topic now... sorry bout that! :p

[Satscout]

Willow... you said better what I was thinking of saying... that finding a group with common interests is a good way of building a support system - and it is exactly "on topic"!

Voyager... are your kids involved in activities at school, like sports or music, where there is an avenue for the parents to get involved? Or scouting? Or...? Sometimes (unfortunately!) it's easier to bond in these "common interest" groups than in churches, mainly because the pressure is on the activity and not on the person... that is, it isn't something that will be held personally against you if you aren't toeing the line. Someone who tries their best in a sport and isn't "the best" won't be beat up the way someone who tries their best in a church and shows weaknesses will. :mad: :( Sad but true.

Will continue to pray...

Sharon

[Voyager]

Do I sound like I am whining about this? I know I probably sound like a broken record. It's just that the support system thing is so important to me, and it's been missing for six years.

I guess we all have our crosses to bear. Someone might see mine and think it looks easier to carry than their own.

:cool:

[Satscout]

Do I sound like I am whining about this? I know I probably sound like a broken record. It's just that the support system thing is so important to me, and it's been missing for six years.

I guess we all have our crosses to bear. Someone might see mine and think it looks easier to carry than their own.

:cool:

ò.ô <-- (one raised eyebrow, one frowny eyebrow)

:mad: :(

*I* don't think you're whining. Support systems are critical, IMNSHO.

Talking about it is good for ALL of us... not just for trying to think of alternatives for YOU but to safeguard ourselves.

I had no support whatsoever growing up. I was in a "loving Christian home" with two parents, a brother, a sister - and was still "on my own" in a lot of ways. I was the household scapegoat. There was a lot of verbal abuse. The scars from the experience have left me always looking for an escape route - multiple if possible - from every situation. I can't tolerate sitting in the middle of a row or pew. I get nervous if I sit too far from the door of a room. And I find it very VERY hard to trust people. Especially my husband. I take that back. I can trust him to pull some pretty stupid stuff at all the wrong times. :rolleyes:

*sigh* And in the meanwhile.... I can read, and pray, and learn. Makes me glad they merged the forum software. I didn't know what I was missing until you all "joined" the NACR forum after the meltdown.

And yet, there is a distinct lack in an online forum that makes the absent f2f element that much more poignant. Ah well. :(

Sharon

[Reg]

Hi John,

You have some big obstacles to overcome. And, by the sounds of it, can't do them alone.

You speak of a support system. When I was going through the worst of it, all I could do was watch video tape movies. My stepfather had over 1000 he left me. That was in the winter when I didn't get out much. When the weather got warmer, I played golf everyday at the local golf club.

I would play 9 holes and go home. I made no real contact with anyone. But, I found some relief walking around the course. It was when I was approached by the day-time manager who saw me come and go every day asked, since I played every day, why not join? I immediately said no because I wasn't sure I would always want to play there. He said, since it was already into the season, they would give me a discount and made me an offer I couldn't refuse.

That was the beginning of a support system for me. I still know this gentleman, Louie and he is one of my best friends now. He is 77 years old and has a lovely wife 5 years younger. He can still beat me occasionally. This lead me into contact with other members and things just kept getting better. So, for me, my passion for golf was responsible for me making it though the valley of the shadow.

The point of this is, I wasn't looking for a support system. I was in too much pain and trauma. I just did something I really enjoyed. It was when Louie came across my path that a way was made for me. I spent approximately 6 months through that winter crying almost every day on my knees before God. I was in that much pain. So, I never lost my contact with God, although at times it didn't feel like it. He carried me through the worst period of my life. I was in a severe depression and was unable to function. All I could do was watch movies, cry and pray some times and play golf.

I realize your situation is different because, it's your kids your mainly concerned about. But, I feel the principles still apply. Do those things you really enjoy and watch if someone comes across your path to help you find a way.


OK, warning, here comes a scripture that has taken on a new meaning for me after that experience. I've included my own comments on this verse.

1Cor 10:13 No temptation has taken you but [what is] common to man; but God [is] faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted above what you are able, but with the temptation also will make a way to escape, so that you may be able to bear [it]. (MKJV)


This is a tremendously encouraging scripture. Although when we may be in
the midst of a trial we feel is totally overwhelming, this scripture is
there to encourage us. We need to commit this to memory. It will be one of
the key scriptures we will need to cling to in the midst of a severe trial.
We need to believe that God will not allow us to be destroyed by the trial
if we look to Him for a way of escape.

It is very interesting how God ends this verse. "But WITH the temptation
also make a way of escape." It could have read just as easily "But will
also make a way of escape". But it doesn't. The words,"with the temptation"
are included. It appears that in the very trial itself there is a clue that
will show us the way out of the trial.

How can that be? I believe it has to do with one's attitude. Generally, how
do we view life? In a negative fearful way, as a life filled with hardship
& difficulty? Or in a positive way, as a life filled with opportunity to
learn and experience? We can choose these attitudes to adopt for ourselves.
Although we live in a world of pessimism, we need not be pessimistic.

Some of us have come out of terrible circumstances that have conditioned
our minds to feel this way. God says in Rev 2 & 3, "To he that overcometh".
God has called us to a life of overcoming. We often start out on this
Christian road of life in terrible condition. However we are not to remain
there. We need to grow and overcome our past. At baptism we symbolically
bury the old man and are resurrected. That does not instantly get rid of
the scars and sicknesses our minds have acquired before we came into the
church. They are still there. Depending on our past experiences it may take
several years to break free of them - perhaps a lifetime. And maybe not
completely until Christ returns and we are changed. We need not be
discouraged. With God's help we will make progress. Things will improve.
Althought the process may be very slow, we need to persist. The quality of
persistance is perhaps one of the most important qualities we can develop.
And it is when we keep on working at overcoming these negative attitudes,
that this quality is being developed. Persevering may be a better word to
describe this quality of overcoming. Nevertheless we need to persist until
we know we have made a breakthrough. It will come. We need not expect great
advances, although from time to time they do come. We should cherish those
small victories and log them for future reference. When we encounter future
difficulties, read them. Go from strength to strength. (Ps 84:7) Build
on these victories. Gradually we will be changing our negative pessimistic
attitudes to positive ones. We will be focusing our minds on the positive
rather than the negative. Is this really what the words "with the
temptation" convey to us?

[Voyager]

Thanks Willow, Ex-shep, ChurchHappens, Satscout, and Reg! Your support is always welcomed.

:cool:

[Willow]

Hiya Voyager... You sound like someone working through issues out loud until you get them figured out...not a whiner. It's right to do that here. It's good to talk about topics from different angles until you get the amount of answers and processing time you need on them.

[ex-shep]

Do I sound like I am whining about this? I know I probably sound like a broken record. It's just that the support system thing is so important to me, and it's been missing for six years.

I guess we all have our crosses to bear. Someone might see mine and think it looks easier to carry than their own.

:cool:

You are not whining at all. You could not have a more legitimate complaint. Trying to find a supportive community for spiritual abuse is a challenge because there so few in person resources. Trying to get somebody to understand what I have experienced is like trying to convince someone that I did not just step off a spaceship from Mars. I have often likened the lack of support as like being at Maytag repair seminar-- certainly makes one feel wanted.

Fortunately when I walked out of my groups, I had support over the phone and a re-focus group was an inexspensive train ride away. Of course, it was maddening that I lived near Boston and had to travel to New York. The only other support I got was the annual Cult Awareness Network conventions.

I am just thankful for the internet today. I wish it were there when I walked out.

You have my prayers in the matter. I can relate. It is maddening