Broken Heart

[broken_hearted_sheep]

I have a broken heart, because after six years at a church, I want to leave. When I say leave, I mean run out and not stop running until I have relocated to an area where they can't find me.

Since I joined, I was pulled into the inner circle. At first it was flattering, and now I see what it costs to be there. After two years, the Lord removed me from this position, and my eyes were opened. This was my first "real" church experience where I had a relationship with Jesus, and now I feel conflicting emotions. On one side, I feel pity because I know what is wrong. On the other, I am angry because I trusted them with my spiritual development.

I didn't realize all of the things and people I have alienated being a member of this church. I had family and friends give me warnings, but I was so bull-headed, I just knew they didn't know what they were talking about. I was taught, we (the church) were different so of course outsiders won't understand. I was sucked into the cult of personality, and I am upset that I became an idol worshiper.

It's a small church we belong to. We were married here, our children dedicated to the Lord here. When my husband and I watched our lives fall a part, the church was there. I am close to a member of the first family. My kids call the pastor Granddad, because both of our fathers are gone. It's a mess of tangled up relationships and all I want to do is leave. I am concerned about my kids, nephews and how this will affect them. No one leaves this fellowship well. A cloud of suspicion is always there.

I have known something was wrong for a long time now. Since I have become a member in 2002, only five families/members remain. Almost the entire congregation has changed about three or four times. Most members are between 16-40 years old. There are NO leaders who fit the biblical definition of an elder or deacon. More than twenty people in key leadership positions have left. Only one member has ever been blessed and wasn't criticized when they left, and that was because they moved away. "Allegations" of sexual misconduct by leadership have always been present. There are different rules for different people. People who are at odds or outside the circle of "safety" have their personal issues discussed from the pulpit, the pew and everywhere else in between. Confidenitality only exists when covering leaders ungodly messes.Being talked about over the pulpit is the norm. If you disagree or see something different, you are being rebellious.

They fired everyone from their positions this past December, keeping only two leaders. Now we have to "convince them" we should get to keep our positions. This really hurt because the group I was involved with kept a program running with absolutely no support from the church whatsoever.What we had was provided by us. We NEVER asked to reimbursed and contributed to women's conferences with ads, pastoral gifts, building fund donations and any other time the leadership made an appeal for more money.

And not once, in over a year, did a single observation, comment, meeting or concern come from the pastors or the assistant pastor. This program began with zero resources and poor attendance. We left it with a substantial treasury (used for trips, outreach, etc) and a steadily increasing attendance. We were fired without warning. Leadership will not entertain any questions regarding their decision, except to say, you need to reapply and fill out an application. This has never been done before. The application has mandates on it and a written committment to serve one year, no matter what. I appreciate integrity, but what if it's not demonstrated by the people who are asking you to demonstrate it?

I just don't know what to do. I get filled with anxiety just going there. I have committed to keep one program running until May and then I have no reason to stay.I am only staying because this program involves children. I have talked to two people, at great personal risk to me, and one said I should stay and pray for them, the other said wait until the Lord says to leave. There is no confidentiality.

I see the patterns of abuse week after week. I see the fascination with the signs and wonders, no matter the origin of the sign or wonder. I have many questions now about things I have been taught. I was a teacher in the ministry, as well as a secular school teacher, and have done a great deal of study. I have posed questions about the teachings, and then I'll be ignored for months; leadership will only smile and walk past me without actually speaking. I am just sad leadership won't even entertain any questions unless it supports their point.

The worst part is, some of their sermons, workshops and other discussions have been totally plagiarized. I mentioned this years ago and told them I would assist them to make sure people would receive credit for their citations and use of materials, so they wouldn't have to worry about being sued for copyright infringement, and to no avail, it continues. I found the last two weeks sermons on a website. I was speechless.

And all the while, I steadily defended my leaders, even though they talked about my husband like a dog, blamed him for things that weren't his fault or were dumped on him last minute because other people didn't do their job. I watched them twist and distort what happened between leadership and ex-members, and held my tongue out of fear. I shunned people, whom I have since apologized, because that is what we were told to do. Of all those that left, probably two were rightfully "disciplined" because of financial or sexual misconduct. Discipline was adminstered so harshly, there was never a chance for restoration to the ministry.

I was afraid to acknowledge what I was feeling because I thought that meant I was rebellious like Aaron and Miriam, or Korah and his associates. I have been terrified of my pastors because of their constant reference to Hebrews 13:17. If I even thought a "wrong" thought, the verse "touch not my anointed, and do my prophet no harm" loomed over me, as though God was poised with lightening bolt to strike me dead.

I am so discourged. I love Jesus with everything I have. I know there are genuine churches out there, but I am so disillusioned right now, I am without much strength. Does anyone have any words to help me sort through this mess? Thanks and God Bless.

[mary]

I have a broken heart, because after six years at a church, I want to leave. When I say leave, I mean run out and not stop running until I have relocated to an area where they can't find me.

I know exactly whereof you speak. I was in exactly your position in October, 2005.

Since I joined, I was pulled into the inner circle. At first it was flattering, and now I see what it costs to be there. After two years, the Lord removed me from this position, and my eyes were opened.

Same here... The devil is so terribly unoriginal in his tactics...

I didn't realize all of the things and people I have alienated being a member of this church. I had family and friends give me warnings, but I was so bull-headed, I just knew they didn't know what they were talking about. I was taught, we (the church) were different so of course outsiders won't understand. I was sucked into the cult of personality, and I am upset that I became an idol worshiper.

Me, too. But the Lord understands, BHS; to Him you are a precious sheep! He understands how we stumble and fall, and often can't determine who are "angels of light" and who are not! He still loves us, and delights in nothing more than our return to Him.

No one leaves this fellowship well. A cloud of suspicion is always there.

Nor did they leave my old viper pit on good terms... I certainly didn't. I was thrown out; others just left.

I have known something was wrong for a long time now. Since I have become a member in 2002, only five families/members remain. Almost the entire congregation has changed about three or four times. Most members are between 16-40 years old. There are NO leaders who fit the biblical definition of an elder or deacon. More than twenty people in key leadership positions have left.

Warning bells!!!! Warning bells!!!! Abuse!!! Bad guys (and gals) here!!!

"Allegations" of sexual misconduct by leadership have always been present. There are different rules for different people.

As it was in my old church. "Allegations..." - except that I knew they were true, because I was the one they were happening to.

Being talked about over the pulpit is the norm. If you disagree or see something different, you are being rebellious.

Yessirree!!! That's what happened to me/us!

The application has mandates on it and a written committment to serve one year, no matter what. I appreciate integrity, but what if it's not demonstrated by the people who are asking you to demonstrate it?

And that's the point, is it? If you made a commitment to someone with a forked tail sticking out of the back of their pants, would you keep it?

I just don't know what to do. I get filled with anxiety just going there.

I used to have to take Klonopin just to sit through a service. Please, just walk away and don't look back. Now.

I have talked to two people, at great personal risk to me, and one said I should stay and pray for them, the other said wait until the Lord says to leave. There is no confidentiality.

In an important manner of speaking, you have already left. I was told the same thing, only to hear it come back on me, twisted, distorted and packed in lies, about four days later.

The worst part is, some of their sermons, workshops and other discussions have been totally plagiarized. I mentioned this years ago and told them I would assist them to make sure people would receive credit for their citations and use of materials, so they wouldn't have to worry about being sued for copyright infringement, and to no avail, it continues. I found the last two weeks sermons on a website. I was speechless.

Been there, too. Sick, isn't it?

And all the while, I steadily defended my leaders, even though they talked about my husband like a dog

"Pastor" did the same thing to my husband... He told me he wanted him to leave...

Discipline was adminstered so harshly, there was never a chance for restoration to the ministry.

Yep. "Pastor" told me, "Give it up." (I was apologizing to him for a minor "infraction.") He said, "You are forever beyond my forgiveness and reconciliation." I said, "I'm not beyond God's." "Pastor" said, "But you are beyond mine."

I am so discourged. I love Jesus with everything I have. I know there are genuine churches out there, but I am so disillusioned right now, I am without much strength. Does anyone have any words to help me sort through this mess? Thanks and God Bless.

You sound so much like I did a little over two years ago! Actually, there are very few "genuine" churches out there. There are few healthy ones, at least in my area, which is why I've kind of "imported" one. You can find a whole rainbow of variously abusive congregations out there, as you could in the early church.

BHS, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Welcome to our forum; you've found the right place. None of this is your fault, or your family's, and you should bear no blame, not even in your head, for it.

There are many of us here who have been "scattered" like the sheep in Ezekiel 34 and Jeremiah 23, but the Lord will restore us. He's promised us that. He'll find a true earthly shepherd for us, and even if He takes His time in doing it, He'll provide Himself for us in the meantime. He's done that for me and for so many others here.

BHS, just walk away from this mess. There must be a "marginally better" place you can go to in the meantime. This one is obviously not of God.

mary

[FreeinJesus]

.....

I didn't realize all of the things and people I have alienated being a member of this church. ...I was taught, we (the church) were different so of course outsiders won't understand. I was sucked into the cult of personality, and I am upset that I became an idol worshiper.

It's a small church we belong to. We were married here, ....No one leaves this fellowship well. A cloud of suspicion is always there.

I have known something was wrong for a long time now. ..... Most members are between 16-40 years old. There are NO leaders who fit the biblical definition of an elder or deacon. ..... There are different rules for different people. People who are at odds or outside the circle of "safety" have their personal issues discussed from the pulpit, the pew and everywhere else in between. Confidenitality only exists when covering leaders ungodly messes.Being talked about over the pulpit is the norm. If you disagree or see something different, you are being rebellious.
....
This program began with zero resources and poor attendance. We left it with a substantial treasury (..... We were fired without warning. Leadership will not entertain any questions regarding their decision, except to say, you need to reapply and fill out an application. This has never been done before. The application has mandates on it and a written committment to serve one year, no matter what. I appreciate integrity, but what if it's not demonstrated by the people who are asking you to demonstrate it?

.....I am only staying because this program involves children. ....
I see the patterns of abuse week after week...... I have many questions now about things I have been taught. I was a teacher in the ministry, as well as a secular school teacher, and have done a great deal of study. I have posed questions about the teachings, and then I'll be ignored for months; leadership will only smile and walk past me without actually speaking. I am just sad leadership won't even entertain any questions unless it supports their point.
..... because that is what we were told to do. Of all those that left, probably two were rightfully "disciplined" because of financial or sexual misconduct. Discipline was adminstered so harshly, there was never a chance for restoration to the ministry.
I was afraid to acknowledge what I was feeling because I thought that meant I was rebellious ..... as though God was poised with lightening bolt to strike me dead.

I am so discourged. I love Jesus with everything I have..... I am without much strength. Does anyone have any words to help me sort through this mess? Thanks and God Bless.


((((BrokenHeartedSheep)))) That was a cyberhug!

Welcome to the forum! :)

Your situation sounds so familiar.:( I am amazed at how the spiritual abusers seem to use the same MO! I think that you now have your eyes opened. The truth should be able to withstand scrutiny. It's the same story w/ the abusers, once you start to question/doubt then all of the sudden YOU become the enemy. When I began to question certain teachings & beliefs (none of which were essentials of the christian faith btw)...I was told that "the devil as a roaring lion is seeking whom he may devour" To them, I was being influenced by satan, when all I did was pose some pretty rational questions. Well....eventually I was excommunicated & shunned.

But about YOU, I wont mince words, from what you have written your *group* sounds suspicious...almost like a bible cult. My xpastor would talk about people from the pulpit who *dared* to leave his "ministry"/church. He had the control & to this day I'm sure he's exerting it still. NOBODY in the over 18 years I'd been a member has left on good terms. Unless you *transfer* to a church of pastors choice (the same ilk religion)...you will be church disciplined.

Oh....I hope you can get the courage to get out of there. Please don't let them intimidate you. You have freedom in Christ, & freedom also has w/ it the freedom to leave without being judged. Of course, we know to the abusers NOBODY can ever leave with a hug & a blessing. At least that has been my experience w/ spiritual abusers. They are expert at using bible verses to crush you...yet xabusive preacher wouldn't listen to the verses I had found to boost my position. Of course HE was theCalled One...not me. and I'm sure the fact that I'm a woman...in his eyes I'm sure a rebellious one too.:cool: :rolleyes:

May GOD give you strength, HE IS ON YOUR SIDE! Jesus was against abusers & self-righteous religious leaders.
God will help you! I hope this forum will also help you to heal too. GOD BLESS!! FreeinJesus

[broken_hearted_sheep]

Thank you for your words of encouragement. This has been particularly hard for me because I have always been the "achiever" in my family. I was the child my parents talked about to other people. Before I came to this church, I was pretty successful in life. At first I thought my track record changed because God was breaking me down to learn to trust in Him and not myself. I think that may be a part of it, however, I also think some of this is because I am in such an unhealthy situation.

I have always been the "successful" one; I'm the oldest sibling, the one who is the strong one. I have always been a leader, and now I feel like I have led some people to destruction. I am so embarassed.:(

In spite of all the false teachings, I know who God truly is through this; however, I am not so sure about the institutional church anymore. I can honestly see why people forsake the walk and the way. But I know Christ died for me and this too shall pass. Shame is not of God and I just have to remember that. This it is so much more difficult than I ever thought possible.
God bless you.

[Jerry]

I have been terrified of my pastors because of their constant reference to Hebrews 13:17. If I even thought a "wrong" thought, the verse "touch not my anointed, and do my prophet no harm" loomed over me, as though God was poised with lightening bolt to strike me dead.


Dear broken_hearted_sheep,,,,
Hebrews 13:17 is applied to Christianity the same way it was applied to Old Testament ISRAEL.The verse has nothing to do with a special protection for Pastoral misbehavior.You and your hubby get out of that "Synagogue of Satan" right now !!!!!! You owe those people NOTHING !!!!!!!! They are not Christians but pretenders...Keep posting,the good people on this site,probably can't do much for you in the physical sense ,but I know they will nourish your spirit....Be brave sweetie......
Love Jerry

[PatriciaM]

Trust your instincts, Broken Heart, they are right on the money! You are in an unhealthy situation. In this case, it's perfectly OK to take care of you for once! :)

[yeshua'smags]

Hi Broken_Hearted_Sheep! Welcome to the forum! I'm so sorry for what you have gone through...we have all been there! You shouldn't make yourself responsible for "leading people to destruction". If God led you out of that situation, He won't forget about them...they have a mind and they can figure stuff out on their own. ;) You didn't do anything, it's the church's and leaders that are doing the damage. I hope you feel loved on here! :cool:

[broken_hearted_sheep]

Thanks yeshua'smags. I really do feel the love.

Today was a bad day though. Yesterday I went to the kids program I am in charge of. It's funny. I am thinking of ways to escape, like I am in a country where I could lose my life. :confused: It's such a messed up mentality.

I hate to let kids down. If this program were involving adults, I'd just go. But when it comes to kids, I know people will disappoint them as long as they are in that terrible religious system, but I want them to remember at least one person who kept their word there and that someone in this world loves them, no matter what. I guess by keeping the program going, I am delaying the inevitable of hurting them, but I just haven't figured it all out yet.

I had a bad day today. I never used to be so weak and scary. We were supposed to go to see the school our daughter will be attending in the fall today, kind of like an open house. I freaked out because its a Christian school and the application asks about your current church information. I can't believe little things like that cause me to feel like hiding in my house. We didn't go because I am becoming apprehensive about anything that may connect the dots to the church we belong to.

I talked to my "sister" today. She and I were "friends" before I joined the church, but she is also the pastor's daughter-in-law. I feel so torn. She and her husband are about to have a baby. Her husband was just hospitalized for an "undisclosed medical condition" last week. I don't want to add any stress right now by leaving, because if I leave church, she will ignore me. As I type this, I know this is typical of battered wives thought processes.

It's so tough because I know she doesn't always agree with her in-laws, but she has to survive with her husband and children. I have actually talked her out of leaving and returning to where she grew up. Boy, don't I wish I would have kept my mouth shut.:mad: I know she knows what goes on is wrong, but she is so entrenched in this mess, I don't think I'll be able to remain friends. :(

It's so depressing. I feel like a wimp, but I have never had to process emotions like this before. Not even when I've lost family members or gone through some very trying times. Is this normal? Will I be "normal" again? Or will I walk with an eye towards skepticism for the rest of my days?

Thanks for the love and support. :) It's amazing how safe one can feel in the company of complete strangers and yet, in the presence of those that are supposed to love us best, you feel nothing but fear and anxiety.

[Jerry]

Dear BHSheep,,,
The most terrible thing about mind control,is how it twists the personality ....We have all been where you are,sitting there thinking what an evil failure you are...That just isn't the truth.You are a kind,compassionate,loving Christian lady.They have twisted your scripture,they have twisted your thoughts,don't let them twist your soul..:(


Love Jerry

[yeshua'smags]

What if those kids remember you as the one smart enough to get out? You could inspire them to do the same one day....just a thought.;)

[PatriciaM]

Is this normal? Will I be "normal" again? Or will I walk with an eye towards skepticism for the rest of my days?

It's amazing how safe one can feel in the company of complete strangers and yet, in the presence of those that are supposed to love us best, you feel nothing but fear and anxiety.

Yes, what you're feeling is normal...and you will be normal again. It's common to feel skeptical for awhile afterwards. I still feel the skepticism, and have stayed away from church for a long time trying to separate myself from the weirdness and get a grip on what is true. I've literally had to mend my faith in God.

I can relate to feeling like a wimp. It's so HARD for the abused to confront because of feelings of intimidation, especially when they are so entrenched in a system that doesn't listen and doesn't want to hear the truth. It's these kinds of systems that resist being fixed, as much as we want to fix them and show them where they are wrong.

Sometimes, the best thing to do is just to walk away and wash your hands of it all. You obviously can't fix them, so make the choice to fix yourself. You need to do what you have to do to save yourself. And pray very hard for the ones who are still there.

[FreeinJesus]

QUOTE=broken_hearted_sheep;57512]Thanks yeshua'smags. I really do feel the love.

.... I am thinking of ways to escape, like I am in a country where I could lose my life. :confused: It's such a messed up mentality.
I hate to let kids down.....
...We didn't go because I am becoming apprehensive about anything that may connect the dots to the church we belong to.
..... I know she knows what goes on is wrong, but she is so entrenched in this mess, I don't think I'll be able to remain friends. :(

It's so depressing. I feel like a wimp, but I have never had to process emotions like this before. ....

((((Broken Hearted))))

The HARDEST THING I've ever had to do is to extricate myself from that supposed "true church". It can really wear you down....hopefully over time you will get your strength back.

I think what you are feeling is God's spirit is telling you something is NOT right. I was looking for ways to leave our xabusive church....I felt in a prison & felt oppressed!:( It's funny how we are *free* Americans but how religious leaders *lord it over* supposedly free people!:confused:

I went through something similar....my ONE friend who I was really close to, many of her relatives are a part of the abusive church & (they have lots of clout in the "world" too.
:(), her parents & a brother & his family....we have nothing to do w/ each other now. :( that's a longer story, but no time now.

BHS, about the feeling like a 'wimp'...I KNOW that feeling. I think for myself that for soooo long I *believed* that xabusive pastor was the "man of God" that there was a part of me that didn't want to rock the boat. I KNEW HE WAS WRONG, but I knew that he was the one controlling *his* pulpit & I knew we stood no chance of a *fair* hearing out. Also, I knew he would never budge w/ his religious doctrines/theology...so. I was a wimp & just walked away. (husband & I) I don't regret it because I can say that I didn't cause trouble or anything, so I have a clean conscience about that.

I agree w/ PatriciaM...You can't change them so change YOU & YeshuasMags about them remembering that a *good* person was a part once, then left & she was *nice & kind*. That's my hope for the family who we were close to....their kids, I was like an aunt to them. Now, we are strangers...I & my family were shunned. I'm hoping that someday, someday they'll remember the good people that were in , but *LEFT*. :(:confused:
Oh well...I hope anyhow.:(

[Patty]

Hi, your situation and the control the leaders have over the people and their minds is so shockingly similar to mine that it gave me the shivers to read it.

Right now, the only thing I have to say to you is you HAVE to FLEE!!!. And know, that there is no way out but painfully and violently. Your exit will be excruciating. You sound like you are prolonging leaving due to the relationships you have and are trying to preserve. I am telling you from experience, you will not be able to preserve them. Your friend, who is going to have the baby, will not choose you over the church, her husband and her father-in-law. Not in a million years. If you leave, she will be told either overtly or covertly to shun you. You must accept this. There is no other way out.

You talked earlier about feeling you were escaping from a war-torn country. Perfect analogy. And now, the only way out is through enemy territory. It will be costly and violent and painful. But, God has led many people out of just this sort of situation and He will guide and comfort you too. However, it must be your decision. He is already prompting you, now you must learn to listen to those prompts and not the voices of these people who have twisted God's word and His ways into a freaking prison of lies.

Flee!

[FreeinJesus]

Hi, your situation and the control the leaders have over the people and their minds is so shockingly similar to mine that it gave me the shivers to read it.

Right now, the only thing I have to say to you is you HAVE to FLEE!!!. And know, that there is no way out but painfully and violently. Your exit will be excruciating. You sound like you are prolonging leaving due to the relationships you have and are trying to preserve. I am telling you from experience, you will not be able to preserve them. Your friend, who is going to have the baby, will not choose you over the church, her husband and her father-in-law. Not in a million years. If you leave, she will be told either overtly or covertly to shun you. You must accept this. There is no other way out.

You talked earlier about feeling you were escaping from a war-torn country. Perfect analogy. And now, the only way out is through enemy territory. It will be costly and violent and painful. But, God has led many people out of just this sort of situation and He will guide and comfort you too. However, it must be your decision. He is already prompting you, now you must learn to listen to those prompts and not the voices of these people who have twisted God's word and His ways into a freaking prison of lies.

Flee!

Patty, this is RIGHT ON! Exactly to the point.