sometimes I just don't think I'm going to make it

[Willow]

I keep trying in spite of feeling very hopeless. I guess I keep trying because it would be a horror to die before my dad does... he's 82. I say die, because I know where the road to despair leads and it ain't pretty... my mom found the end of that road and I really don't want to go there. For those of you who are new... my mom suicided early in 2006. Just another part of a long lineage of self destructers in her side of the family. (The list of those who suicided or made attempts is long and I won't tether you with it).

I also hope that maybe... just maybe... I'll find my soul mate in life. It hasn't happened yet. There have been guys I wish were "the one" but they didn't feel the same way. There were also guys that thought I should be "the one" and I didn't feel that way about them.

I would like to be happy... victorious... strong and vibrant... but I'm not and I can't... and it makes me want to escape pain somehow (which really became a problem last year and thus I joined a local AA group). 2008 has started off differently than 2007 did. 2007 started off with a party and denial and numbing with alcohol... 2008 started off with a memorial to my mom. Here's part of a bio I wrote for the new year:

"2007 had it's moments...

at the farm, on a horse, designing artwork, wrecking my motorcycle, trying to sell my condo, cooking out, camping out, partying with friends, catching live music, quitting drinking, going off anti-depressants, soul searching, 12-stepping, blogging, researching mysterious topics, getting politically active.

2008 is a new year and my life is taking different turns. i'm discovering holy moments with holy friends (and not the kind who would fit nicely in church) helping me redefine my god and discard the unhealthy concepts. i'm dealing with issues head on... no denial... no numbing. i feel like i lost my fun/social side in this process... but maybe i'll find it again.

the loss of my mom to suicide is still current to me even though it happened 2 years ago. it has taken longer to get over than i would like. it's like that moment in time grew roots of all kinds that reach into aches and pains that are at the base of my humanity. i'm beginning to see raw experiences as things that can make me better... not worse."

Sometimes I really want to die... like now and why I'm writing. It goes by the hour sometimes... one hour I want to live and am full of love for people and feel loved.... next hour I feel rejected, abandoned and despise myself and see no future or love in my future. I've been trying to sell my condo and buy a farm in the country, but part of me just thinks "screw it... just go live under a bridge." Of course... I have to consider these times may have a lot to do with premenopausal hormonal fluctuations and no medication to help me get through them like I used to have. I wish there was a magic pill, but the saying is true, "every medicine is also a poison". I guess I'd rather try it med free.

OK... so this is getting long. and it's pretty full of self pity. But hell... if I can't sound like a self absorbed fool here... where can I?

[Willow]

see? It's an hour later and I don't feel like dying anymore... I'm a freak and now I can't delete that post :eek:

[FreeinJesus]

see? It's an hour later and I don't feel like dying anymore... I'm a freak and now I can't delete that post :eek:

((((Willow)))) I am so sorry about your mom Willow.:(

Life can be a roller coaster ride at times. I know I have my bad days (laying around depressed) & then the good days where I get things done & try not to dwell on the past & those who hurt me & my family. My dad was a manic depressant (sp?), I think I have some of that in me too. though Willow, when you consider what you have been through surely it's normal to feel sad & depressed at times. I hope so much that you meet your 'soul mate' and that in some way you can come to grips w/ what your mom did. I don't know how you would do that, but I hope you will find a way.

I don't know if this will help you & if it doesn't then disregard it, but if I focus on what i need to do now & for my/our future it helps me....but then, when I think about xabuser, the shunning, the excommunication, the deception...I get mad, sad & depressed. So for me, I try not to think about the bullsh1t.(which can be difficult, but it's getting better:() I'm hoping for less 'bad' days & more 'good' days. OH Willow~!!! I hope good days for you too! You have been through a lot & you are wiser & stronger because of it! My prayer for you is that your 'good days' will be more & more & your 'bad' days will be less & less.
Hang in there!!!

[Turtle]

see? It's an hour later and I don't feel like dying anymore... I'm a freak and now I can't delete that post :eek:

YOU ARE NOT A FREAK, AND I LOVE YOU!

I'm not here much lately, as I'm travelling till end of March.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Willow))))))))))) ))))))))))))))))))))))))
you are a sweet soul, and always an encourager to me!

[mary]

((((Amy!))))

You are no freak, dear friend!!!!!

Do you know how many of us feel like you do? I've done things... We've all done/thought horrible things. Those of us who have been hurt, but know that we can't take it out on others and/or are too kind-hearted to do so, take it out on ourselves... That's where depression comes from, and suicidal thoughts, too.

In a way, I think it's the times we live in. I was shocked a couple of weeks ago when a family member told me that she and her teen-aged daughter often have the same kind of attacks that I do: several times a day, we have this overwhelming sense of "doom" and gloom; then we think of all the things we've done wrong over our lives; then we think of possible consequences. Then we go into "fight or flight" and break out into a cold sweat. Panic attacks, right? Reminds me of the time I went into respiratory arrest from pulmonary emboli. However, other people are having them, too!!!! I'm observing more people having these "doom and gloom" attacks than ever before, even men.

Amy, I remember reading your posts right after your mom died, praying for you and thinking, She's so brave; she's being there for her dad; I could never be as brave as she is... She's being carried along on eagle's wings... What I saw then was a magnificent demonstration of courage, a gorgeous character expressed in sheer love for your dad - and your mom. It was starkly beautiful in its clarity, in its sane and eloquent expression of grief in a horrific situation... You taught us all something there; you certainly taught me a lot and it's something I will never forget. You got through it and I believe it was God's grace that did it.

I'm praying for you now, for you to find the man who will make you happy, in the Lord's will; for you to realize how uniquely valuable you are in so many ways!

Also, you do not sound like a "self-absorbed fool..." You sound simply and purely -- HUMAN. And you are deeply cared for here.

Love,

mary

[Willow]

Thanks so much you all.
This morning I went to an AA meeting. They were discussing how selfish suicide is. I piped up to say that in the case of my mother it was not selfish. It was more a case of something in her brain breaking. Little did any of us know... the man sitting next to me had been suicidal last monday. He was able to feel safe enough to talk about it because of the turn the discussion took when I shared about my mother. I gave him a huge hug and he said it felt pretty good. He took my phone number and promised to call if he was ever in that condition again. He did find help that day from a pschologist... but now he has another number he can call.

I found that an interesting and suspiciously GOD kind of thing to have happened after my share here yesterday. I'm really glad to be able to come here and write it out and have you all show me grace time after time. Thanks!

Amy

[Willow]

Amy, I remember reading your posts right after your mom died, praying for you and thinking, She's so brave; she's being there for her dad; I could never be as brave as she is... She's being carried along on eagle's wings... What I saw then was a magnificent demonstration of courage, a gorgeous character expressed in sheer love for your dad - and your mom. It was starkly beautiful in its clarity, in its sane and eloquent expression of grief in a horrific situation... You taught us all something there; you certainly taught me a lot and it's something I will never forget. You got through it and I believe it was God's grace that did it.

That's amazing mary... I sure didn't feel strong then or now. I'm sure it was God's grace and still is. I feel like you described a completely different person than me up there.

[noprivacy]

You sound like a sensitive soul willow. I feel like God is so close though you may not feel His presence, but in reading your posts, just the few that i have read, it seems like you have a childlike trust in Him.

You've probably heard this a hundred times, but be patient with yourself! It is true that the less you think about what happened, the easier it is. It is also true that we have an enemy and sometimes those around us are insensitive and unkind. There have been times, in my deepest questioning of God, Why? What do You think of this? Where are You? that He has led me through Scripture after Scripture telling me exactly what He thinks of it all. Last night I told God that I would truly be lost without His written word. I know I am saved, but the only place I find solace right now is His word. It has restored my peace at times, been a vindication for things done to me, and one day I'll be able to look at the promises and know they are for me, no hoops to jump through, no games.

You are definitely NOT a freak. I can so identify with your post and how God used you and your reflections on it all. What an awesome miracle that the God of all creation is using you in the lives of others, making a way for them who have no way. I pray He will do that very thing in your life as well. Hang tight to Him. Pour your heart out to Him, He loves you and cherishes you deeply, beyond anything you will ever experience.

Thank you for posting. You helped me as well as the man at the AA meeting.
Keep letting your light shine!

Psalm 62:5-12

[mary]

That's amazing mary... I sure didn't feel strong then or now. I'm sure it was God's grace and still is. I feel like you described a completely different person than me up there.

No, Amy: that's YOU. :)

I'm glad you got some help today, and in turn, you were blessed by blessing someone else. You were a gift from God to that man today...

That's SO "you!" ;)

Love,

mary

[PatriciaM]

(((((Amy)))))

Thank you for telling your story and being honest with your feelings. Sometimes I get those suicidal thoughts too, and it sure helps to hear that there are others who go through the same thing. I do that back and forth thing too: feeling the despair and then later feeling much better. It just shows me that those negative feelings are not permanent and will go away in time...that in itself helps me hold on.

I hate it when people bring out that "selfish" word...it they had ever been suicidal themselves, they would understand and not say that...it makes the suicidal person feel worse and gives them another reason not to like themselves.

Little do you realize, you are helping people just by being honest and by being you. Don't ever stop! :)

[hornblower]

willow do you have any idea whatsoever how much you help me?

Believe me you do help me more than anything. Because of you being honest I can see that I am not alone that I am not as different as I had thought and that I can live without feeling so ashamed of being me.............

Loving is not fixing ..........know what I mean?

Loving is hearing.........listening...........cry with those who cry and laugh with those who laugh.........believe it or not I do laugh.

Right now I wish you could be here and have a cuppa java and listen to my dog snore..........its too cute..........love you willow.

[overcomer]

willow, God is alive and well. He's been so active, He's talking my breath away with His presence.
He's good. He's been taking up a stance in very very very interesting and exact timing that He sometimes even lets me see, and i must trust Him more and more and more. He's requiring it, because He sure is moving, oh my my my my my.

willow i'm convinced without doubt that the habits that come from feeling like a hopeless victim of this mean world can be reversed. God is taking up arms, and when we see it's Him doing it, somehow it restores hope that Jesus is active and watching. Watching. His eyes are watching. He has plans, and He's watching, He's moving. oh my Goodness.

can't discuss it further, just please know, know know know know know know your Redeemer Lives.
He lives to take away your shame.
He lives, and you will forever more proclaim,
that the downpayment for your sin was the precious life He gave,
but now He's alive and there's an empty grave.

death, hell, and the grave have been defeated already, take ahold of this hope, and trust in the mercies of God that are in Jesus, because of Jesus.
get into psalms again if you can, i've been back there myself and just reading them all out loud without hesitancy this time.

the grave that tries to call before your time has been defeated.
the grave that calls you in God's timing has also been defeated.

It's been defeated by HIS LIFE.

there is Life here that doesn't stop or cease to exist and we're in it, in His Life. it can't be destroyed - it's in Jesus already, that's what happened, He took us in. see yourself inside Him. you are like a baby inside a womb of a very expectant mother. you are warm and safe, you don't need to reach out to the world's coldness for comfort. He is providing it, you just must believe it.

use His faith. believe in the power of Jesus' name. use His words, don't hear them with ears that hear a man's voice, hear them with ears that hear a loving God's voice.

He is moving, He's been watching, He's really, really moving on behalf of those whose hearts are loyal to Him, even those who HOPE in Him.
let your heart be loyal to Him, it's so good to see you HOPE in Him.

let your mind be transformed to His mind. the brain works in rhythms and patterns, if an area is practiced, it will grow larger and more dominant.
-God, break the brain patterns that are trying to kill, steal and destroy willow.
open her mind, let her practice and repeat your healing word. be her desire, for more of You.

have mercy, Lord we get so weak, we just want the pain to stop. God have mercy, this is such a horrible and common pain that we have, help us through this mess.

let her tears come out in force whenever she needs them to, to transform her mind to know how much You care, and help her to really, really, really, really BELIEVE, and KNOW KNOW KNOW YOU ARE WITH HER TO THE END AND BEYOND. BREAK the chains into shreads - EXPOSE the powers that are trying to destroy her, and above all, let her know she is NOT ALONE, even when the devil tries to convince her she is. BE the warmth that she desires, ENGAGE in her life so sweetly that she wipes her eyes for the amazement of it all. BE the warmth she needs, BE the comfort she needs. break into her world and heal her, touch her, love her, keep her safe from harm. whisper to her sweetly and tenderly and lovingly.

You are calling her to transformation. You are present and active with us and You are really really really awesome and nothing compares with You. Nobody - nothing - no one - not one thing - ever can compare with You Jesus.
i am so thankful to call You my God. it's all been by Your mercy and Your tenderness to me, and i am convinced of that, and convinced You care very tenderly for us.

[overcomer]

wooo, didn't realize i wrote that much.
i saw your pain, sensed your pain, and guess i just haven't yet voiced what i've been experiencing for awhile, and just had to share. been thinking of you for awhile.