My story... for Judy

[Willow]

My journey of spiritual abuse began at age 7 with a pentecostal lady down the street who did a bible study for children. It wasnt' so much her actions that were abusive, but the message she gave us was frightening and condemning. As a child I was quite susceptible to that message and took it to heart that my heart was black with sin, i might get raptured and taken away from my sinful parents who were left behind, and I should let other children beat me up and turn the other cheek rather than protecting myself. These messages among others were fodder for fire in other abusive situations. Church, school and family situations were not pleasant for me. I seemed to be outcast in all.

Flash to young adulthood. I was 20 and had just moved from Ohio to Louisiana. There was an active bible study on campus that was also a cult. I got involved and cleaned my life up according to their instructions. They sent me off to a training camp - at the expense of a year of college. Then I went to their fields to work - at the expense of another year of college. By the time I came back, I had had a psychic change and my mind did not work the way it used to. I went back to college, but felt it was a sin. Finally graduating college, I found an opportunity to help plant a church in Kentucky. This is where I stayed for nearly 10 years. 7 of those years were in volunteer service to the church - also an authoritarian style ministry. After about 4 years I began to feel like something was wrong. I started looking up resources online about abuse survivors. This research led me to Christianrecovery.com and then to clergyrecovery.com where I was educated on spiritual abuse. I thought there was something wrong with me and it turned out there was something wrong with the way I was being treated. I began to build up a healthier self esteem. 4 years later I found myself leaving that community and for the first time ever I moved to further my career... not to further someone else's career. I haven't been sorry that I moved... however I am still undoing the crazy psychic change in my brain. I'm not sure I'll ever think without the influences of the guilt-ridden doctrines that changed me forever. I'm giving it a good try though.

That's about all I can think of for now. Journey is still continuing...

[Judy]

Hi Willow,

Wow, thanks for sharing your story. You didn't say how long you've been on this road to recovery. I sure know what you mean about the "psychic change" and not knowing if you will ever completely get out from under the influences of those guilt-ridden doctrines you learned. I wanted to be a fiction writer from the time I was about 10 years old, and the cults messed me up in a big way in that area, to the point where I felt that writing would be a sin unless I was writing a tract or something. One problem with cults is that they often expect us to live by one-size-fits-all formulas. My cults expected us all to be evangelists, and I have learned since then that that is NOT my calling. I have a heart for the lost, but I am NOT an evangelist.

Our stories are similar in some ways. I dropped out of regular college to go to Bible College. I didn't go far with that, though, as I left that particular cult and joined another one that was even more radical.

Have had some dealings with Pentecostal types myself. I can imagine how frightening they could be to a young child.

I think of our recovery process as being a process of allowing God to untangle us from all the error we learned in the cults. A friend of mine likens this process to Jesus calling Lazarus forth from the tomb and telling his friends to remove the grave clothes. It's like that with us, too. We got wrapped in grave clothes by the cults and abusive groups we were in. But God will walk with us on this journey and gradually remove all the grave clothes from us. It takes time, but it's well worth the struggle.

I just discovered christianrecovery.com and had never heard of clergyrecovery.com. I'll have to check that one out, too. Not that I was ever clergy, but I know of people who have been in leadership positions who have been severely wounded.

Thanks again for sharing. I wish you peace and freedom on your journey!

Judy

[Willow]

Hi Judy,

Thanks for the affirmation. I've been out of the last situation for nearly 7 years now. time flies! The clergyrecovery forum isn't active anymore... but it was very active during the time I needed it. Maybe one day they will start the forums again there. Dale Wolery was particularly helpful to me in getting my recovery journey started. I owe him a big one! I do hope you can realize your childhood dream. It's never too late!

Hi Willow,

Wow, thanks for sharing your story. You didn't say how long you've been on this road to recovery. I sure know what you mean about the "psychic change" and not knowing if you will ever completely get out from under the influences of those guilt-ridden doctrines you learned. I wanted to be a fiction writer from the time I was about 10 years old, and the cults messed me up in a big way in that area, to the point where I felt that writing would be a sin unless I was writing a tract or something. One problem with cults is that they often expect us to live by one-size-fits-all formulas. My cults expected us all to be evangelists, and I have learned since then that that is NOT my calling. I have a heart for the lost, but I am NOT an evangelist.

Our stories are similar in some ways. I dropped out of regular college to go to Bible College. I didn't go far with that, though, as I left that particular cult and joined another one that was even more radical.

Have had some dealings with Pentecostal types myself. I can imagine how frightening they could be to a young child.

I think of our recovery process as being a process of allowing God to untangle us from all the error we learned in the cults. A friend of mine likens this process to Jesus calling Lazarus forth from the tomb and telling his friends to remove the grave clothes. It's like that with us, too. We got wrapped in grave clothes by the cults and abusive groups we were in. But God will walk with us on this journey and gradually remove all the grave clothes from us. It takes time, but it's well worth the struggle.

I just discovered christianrecovery.com and had never heard of clergyrecovery.com. I'll have to check that one out, too. Not that I was ever clergy, but I know of people who have been in leadership positions who have been severely wounded.

Thanks again for sharing. I wish you peace and freedom on your journey!

Judy

[amandaF]

Thanks so much for posting your story..I hope you don't mind me taking an interest in it as well.

[Willow]

Absolutely Amanda... I didn't mean to exclude everyone else... thanks for reading :)

[amandaF]

Thanks :)
It made me think a lot about the wrong messages given to me as a child, through my parents, except that they would be raptured and I may not..
I still have problems with that..try to make jokes regarding it..but I guess it's still a real issue..Amongst other things ...

Sounds like you've done a lot of healing considering everything you've been through on this level! :(

[Willow]

I think I'm a little behind most adults in growing up. I was in such a narrowly structured community for way too long. I'm making mistakes now that most people make in their 20s.

[Judy]

Thanks :)
It made me think a lot about the wrong messages given to me as a child, through my parents, except that they would be raptured and I may not..
I still have problems with that..try to make jokes regarding it..but I guess it's still a real issue..Amongst other things ...

Hi Amanda. Sorry to hear you grew up with that kind of thing. I think it is a dangerous thing for people to assume they will be saved and others will not. That is exactly the kind of judging Jesus warned us not to do. That kind of teaching (we will be raptured and you won't) is meant to induce fear that will keep you in line. Unfortunately, it gives us the wrong kind of message about who God is. The only way to overcome those teachings, I believe from my own experience, is to find out who God REALLY is. Only an understanding of His incredible love for you and His infinite mercy will help you to grasp that these things aren't true.

Blessings on your journey!

Judy

[Judy]

I think I'm a little behind most adults in growing up. I was in such a narrowly structured community for way too long. I'm making mistakes now that most people make in their 20s.

Hi Willow. That's interesting. I've heard that traumatized and addicted people often get stuck at a particular age--the age when they were traumatized and/or began their addiction. Maybe that is the case with you? At any rate, you can grow through these things now that you are on the road to healing. Be gentle and compassionate with yourself as you grow through these things, okay? :) I can relate, because I think I've done most of my growing up in the last ten years or so, as I leave the traumas of the past behind and live the adventure of knowing more about who God really is and what He wants for my life.

Judy

[amandaF]

Hi Amanda. Sorry to hear you grew up with that kind of thing. I think it is a dangerous thing for people to assume they will be saved and others will not. That is exactly the kind of judging Jesus warned us not to do. That kind of teaching (we will be raptured and you won't) is meant to induce fear that will keep you in line. Unfortunately, it gives us the wrong kind of message about who God is. The only way to overcome those teachings, I believe from my own experience, is to find out who God REALLY is. Only an understanding of His incredible love for you and His infinite mercy will help you to grasp that these things aren't true.

Blessings on your journey!

Judy

So true!
The whole thing was really meant to keep me in line and where it may have done that to a certain degree it also killed my perspective of who God was and also who I was to Him..
Like many (unfortunately) I guess I grew up with that view of God as a ' cop in the sky', however have worked through a lot of that by learning who I am and what God says about me in His word..and that in itself shows into the personality of God Himself.

Knowledge is great..but it takes time for it to get in and really change your thinking I guess!

[Willow]

I think that is true on some level Judy. For instance... traumas in childhood kept me locked away from romance and marriage... but I grew in other ways. I think you grow around the problem.... but the problem area is frozen and has to be unlocked somehow... by God.

Hi Willow. That's interesting. I've heard that traumatized and addicted people often get stuck at a particular age--the age when they were traumatized and/or began their addiction. Maybe that is the case with you? At any rate, you can grow through these things now that you are on the road to healing. Be gentle and compassionate with yourself as you grow through these things, okay? :) I can relate, because I think I've done most of my growing up in the last ten years or so, as I leave the traumas of the past behind and live the adventure of knowing more about who God really is and what He wants for my life.

Judy