New Member Intro

[Judy]

Hello Everyone,

I'm very interested to find this forum and very impressed with the NACR web site in general. Some great articles out there! At times I have searched on the Internet for cult- and spiritual-abuse-related forums and either have not been able to find any or found some that were just plain weird. This forum looks very good and helpful.

I was involved in two Christian cults about 25-26 years ago. The second one in particular was a very damaging and traumatic experience. It was two years after I left the group before I dared to think the leaders might have been wrong after all--maybe they weren't REALLY speaking for God. And maybe God still loved me, even though they told me I might as well go be a good sinner because I didn't really want to serve God.

It was a long, slow process, coming back to God and working through all the errors I learned in those cults. It was many years before I could even read Scripture without it immediately condemning me. I could not bear any kind of Christian fellowship and stayed outside the church for at least 20 years. I always felt that I needed Christian fellowship and that I needed to be involved in a church, but I didn't trust anyone and I couldn't stand the triggers. I would visit a church and immediately zero in on what I perceived as errors in their teaching. And that was my excuse to not return.

I think of that time as my own personal wilderness, where I wandered mostly alone with God and learned who He is and how to trust Him. In order to return to Christian fellowship and church, I had to learn to believe that He could speak to me Himself and didn't need a human being to translate and pass on His message. I had to get to a place where I knew it was okay if I disagreed with everyone else. I had to learn the truth for myself, taught to me by God Himself.

One of the hardest things to come to terms with was the question of why God allowed it to happen, when I had been going in search of truth. There were so many ways He could have prevented it. Why had He allowed me to become so hurt and disillusioned? That was a big issue between me and God for many years, until one day I cried out to Him once again with this question, and this time He answered. And I suddenly realized it had been necessary for me to go through those things, not because God wanted me to be hurt, but because He wanted me to learn some crucial lessons from those experiences.

Over time I've come to forgive those who hurt me. I see how pride and deception tripped them up. They truly believed they had received a special message from God and they were doing their best to pass it on the only way they knew how. I pray now that eventually they also came to see the truth. Many people were hurt, including the pastors themselves.

So that's my story. I am still untangling from those painful times, but I also see that true to His word, God has used the evil to do good in my life. Truth be told, I wouldn't want to go through that again, but I guess if I had it to do over again, I would take the same path--not because I'm masochistic, but because I wouldn't be where I am today if not for that.

And that's about it for me, at least for now. :D I would love to hear some of your stories if you feel like sharing them. It seems like most of you know each other, so I fully understand if you don't feel like sharing a story you've already probably told people here.

My main message is: take heart! It does get better, and God WILL use this devastating experience for good in your life.

Judy

[Tim]

Judy--I'm not a member of this forum, but read here occasionally.

I want to reply to you because I was moved by what you wrote and also because I see some striking similarities between your story and mine.

I did not belong to a cult, but my own religious upbringing created some very dysfunctional, powerfully distorted images of God and myself. My own journey included a long, long time of desert wanderings where I wanted nothing to do with God or a community of believers. Christian belief, as I understood it, was like eating barbed wire.

The road I traveled included a gradual descent into alcoholism, and my recovery from alcoholism has been the keystone to my spiritual rehabilitation as well. I not only had to learn about God's grace, but along the way had to unlearn the gross distortions of who God is that I carried around like a dead, heavy weight.

It has been a difficult, painful journey with pitfalls, dead ends, cul de sacs and wrong turns. But in recovery it is the pain of healing rather than the pain of fresh wounds. I look back in wonder at the path which I alone could never have found, a miraculous path through despair to hope.

There are easier roads through life, but I am a thankful that God has been with me--closer than breath--and never let go of me. The God of the littlest, the least, the last and the lost is for me. And that has made all the difference.

[FreeinJesus]

Dear Judy,

WELCOME!!!!:)

this is a cyber hug ((((((JUDY)))))))!!

Thank you for sharing some of your SA experience.
I was almost in tears reading about it.

It sure is great to hear that it does get better....I do believe it does, but on the dark days I question that, but deep inside I believe the hurt will dissipate, like a fog that the sun will destroy, the hurt will be less and less over time.

How long have you been out of the abusive group/s?
My husband & I have not been out for even a year yet...though I can say that God has really helped through all of this. We couldn't have walked away without God's help.

I look forward to reading more about your experiences if you should choose to share them here.
God bless!!
FreeinJesus

[Judy]

It has been a difficult, painful journey with pitfalls, dead ends, cul de sacs and wrong turns. But in recovery it is the pain of healing rather than the pain of fresh wounds. I look back in wonder at the path which I alone could never have found, a miraculous path through despair to hope.

There are easier roads through life, but I am a thankful that God has been with me--closer than breath--and never let go of me. The God of the littlest, the least, the last and the lost is for me. And that has made all the difference.

Hi Tim. You are very good with memorable quotes. :) I love your comment about the miraculous path through despair to hope. Amen to that!

And I also love your quote about how the God of the littlest, the least, the last and the lost is for you. Excellent! Did you ever read Brendan Manning's (hoping I'm remembering his name correctly) "The Ragamuffin Gospel"? A really wonderful message right in line with what you're saying.

It always grieves me when I see that people reject God because of what His block-headed, egotistical, power-hungry people do. But I had the same experience you did--He was there all along, even though I walked away from Him. In fact, a few years ago I reconnected with an old friend who had turned her back on God for similar reasons. I distinctly "heard" God say, "She turned her back on me, but I never turned my back on her." Over the years I've been privileged to watch Him woo her back. She, like us, is having to reconsider everything and learn who God REALLY is--which is very different from how He was taught to her by so-called Christians in her youth.

Nice to hear from you. Thanks for writing, and blessings on your journey!

Judy

[Judy]

How long have you been out of the abusive group/s?
My husband & I have not been out for even a year yet...though I can say that God has really helped through all of this. We couldn't have walked away without God's help.

Hi Free. Thank you for the warm welcome, and cyberhugs back atcha! :)

Oh gosh, I've been out of the abusive groups for about 25 years, believe it or not. Interestingly enough, though, there was still something I needed to learn to keep it from happening again. I ALMOST fell into another cult-type situation about 10 years ago. Thank God for my husband, who had the strength and wisdom to see what was going on and rescue me from it. After that, I finally learned what I needed to learn!

You are just beginning a long and very interesting journey. Don't settle for less than complete freedom. No human being (or group of human beings) should ever have so much power over us that they cause us to doubt or disregard God's voice speaking to us directly.

Hugs,
Judy

[Jerry]

And that's about it for me, at least for now. :D I would love to hear some of your stories if you feel like sharing them. It seems like most of you know each other, so I fully understand if you don't feel like sharing a story you've already probably told people here.



Dear Judy,,,
Nice to meet you,,,If you go into the archived posts you can get a good background on the people here.We are serious,,,,funny,,,,reverent,,,,sometimes not so reverent,,,,just be you ;) WELCOME....
Love Jerry

[Willow]

Oh duhh... I don't know why I didn't just reply to your intro message to welcome you Judy. :rolleyes:

[jimsmuse]

Hi Judy :)

I am glad you're here but I am sorry for what you have experiencd but you are in awesome company!!!! especially around here!!

[FreeinJesus]

Hi Free. Thank you for the warm welcome, and cyberhugs back atcha! :)

Oh gosh, I've been out of the abusive groups for about 25 years, believe it or not. Interestingly enough, though, there was still something I needed to learn to keep it from happening again. I ALMOST fell into another cult-type situation about 10 years ago. Thank God for my husband, who had the strength and wisdom to see what was going on and rescue me from it. After that, I finally learned what I needed to learn!
You are just beginning a long and very interesting journey. Don't settle for less than complete freedom. No human being (or group of human beings) should ever have so much power over us that they cause us to doubt or disregard God's voice speaking to us directly.

Hugs,
Judy

I definitely agree about the 'freedom' part Judy!:)

I have had to completely rethink all I believed for over 18 years, which was how long I was "officially" a member of the bible cult. However, I had been listening to the "tapes" for a couple of years before I joined, so I have been quite indoctrinated.......so........

with God's help I'm trying to think straight. I told God that I couldn't have stayed, I didn't believe so much of what that man was preaching & I couldn't in good conscience continue to support that "ministry".:( It was very traumatic because we knew the single, unaccountable leader would not budge w/ his views, & his organization is very punitive...nobody has ever left his church on good terms, unless they've "transferred" to one of the 'sister' organizations. It's like his type of religion is a viper & once it bites you, it will not let you go, except under incredible stress, after all, who would want to displease God or be out of God's will?? (which is what we were told would be the case for us, if we left the "true church", that man's church:(:mad:)

So......like many here, I have a story...but, could you please share what you needed to learn???:confused::)
I am wondering what it is....(if you feel comfortable)

[amandaF]

Hi and welcome :)
I just want you to know that I have read your intro and will respond more after I have my family in order :)
Not that that's ever going to happen :)

[Jerry]

It's like his type of religion is a viper & once it bites you, it will not let you go, except under incredible stress, after all, who would want to displease God or be out of God's will?? (which is what we were told would be the case for us, if we left the "true church", that man's church:(:mad:)



Thats no church it's the "Synagogue of Satan",,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ;)

[Judy]

Hi! 18+ years, woah!! I can't imagine sticking it out that long! You most certainly have a lot of sorting out and untangling to do. Yes, it does sound very much like you were in a cult. Anytime someone refuses to be held accountable, that is an immediate red flag. If we are truly living sincere, honest, humble lives, knowing we are accountable to God, we should never fear being held accountable by people, should we? People like that have something to hide. And that whole business of punishing you if you disagree or leave ... if someone truly had a heart for God, wouldn't they be trying to woo you back? But no, the whole thing is about power and ego. I'm very glad you found the courage and grace to walk away! Are you out for good, or do you think there's a chance you could get pulled back?

So......like many here, I have a story...but, could you please share what you needed to learn???:confused::)
I am wondering what it is....(if you feel comfortable)

Oh--sorry, didn't mean that to be a teaser! :D Sure, I'm happy to talk about this, but don't have time right at the moment. I'll see if I can come up with a succinct way of explaining and come back later. The key, though, is that I had to learn to trust my own heart (gut, instinct, or whatever you want to call it) and not let anyone talk me out of it! :)

Judy

[FreeinJesus]

Thats no church it's the "Synagogue of Satan",,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ;)

(((JERRY))) I had thought that, but didn't want to believe it was that bad, but it was.:(

(((JUDY))) I'm short on time right now, but I can say that I would NEVER, NEVER, NEVER ever go back to that "church" and I would avoid any church that even remotely resembles what we escaped from.
IMHO it is a full fledged bible cult.

[amandaF]

Judy..it sounds like you've been hurt badly , but have started to move along the recovery path with courage and strength!

Forgiveness is a really hard part of the healing process, of any type of abuse, so I really take my hat off to you in being able to achieve that!! :)

[ex-shep]

If there were a post which sums up spiritual abuse, your post is it. Great Observation and good sharing. Undoing the tapes takes years. It did for me. I left my groups in 1984. It was years before I could trust Scripture and evangelical fellowship without climbing the walls. There are some charismatic expressions in the church I attend. I can today take it or leave. That only came about within the past year. It is a curious journey. I am glad you have come aboard. A belated welcome. I do not have internet access at home, so my participation in the forum has been spotty at best. As you probably figured out there are many who inadvertantly booked passage on White Star lines and still are left with a certain sinking feeling. In any case, make yourself at home. Virtual coffepot is always brewing. Hopre read more from you. It was a good read.

[Judy]

If there were a post which sums up spiritual abuse, your post is it. Great Observation and good sharing. Undoing the tapes takes years. It did for me. I left my groups in 1984. It was years before I could trust Scripture and evangelical fellowship without climbing the walls. There are some charismatic expressions in the church I attend. I can today take it or leave. That only came about within the past year. It is a curious journey. I am glad you have come aboard. A belated welcome. I do not have internet access at home, so my participation in the forum has been spotty at best. As you probably figured out there are many who inadvertantly booked passage on White Star lines and still are left with a certain sinking feeling. In any case, make yourself at home. Virtual coffepot is always brewing. Hopre read more from you. It was a good read.

Hi Ex-Shep, thanks for the warm welcome. Love your expression about booking passage on White Star lines and having a sinking feeling! :D It sounds like you've had a long journey to recovery, too. Can I take it from your nickname that you were a pastor?

My visits here may be a little spotty, too--sometimes life is just too dang busy. But I'll look forward to sharing that virtual coffee with you whenever we both get a chance to stop by.

Judy

[Judy]

(((JUDY))) I'm short on time right now, but I can say that I would NEVER, NEVER, NEVER ever go back to that "church" and I would avoid any church that even remotely resembles what we escaped from.
IMHO it is a full fledged bible cult.

Good for you, FIJ! Yes, it does sound like a full-fledged Bible cult. Anytime there is one charismatic leader at the head that isn't accountable to anyone and that uses control methods to keep his "sheep" in line, that is the biggest clue. He probably also used the Bible as a club.

As for the lesson I FINALLY learned that I'm pretty sure finally has me cult-proof now? I really think the biggest thing was that I needed to learn how to listen to God myself. Before that, I was basically walking around blind, and if someone would tell me they had a message from God, I would perk up and listen. I was like the Israelites, who told Moses, "We don't want to hear from God directly or else we'll die! You go talk to Him and tell us what He says." I allowed other people to mediate between me and God--to be His spokespeople. But since I didn't know how to listen to God myself, I really had no reliable gauge so that I could tell whether I was hearing the truth or not. Jesus said that if people were listening to God, they would know whether His words were true or not. It's the same with us--if we listen to God first, we will know whether another person is speaking truth to us. If we were listening to God in the first place, we never would have allowed a cult leader to deceive or control us.

What was painful but necessary for me to learn was that by allowing someone else to speak for God instead of learning to listen to Him myself, I was committing the sin of idolatry. No person should ever be allowed to be God in our lives.

The thing is, there are many wolves in sheep's clothing out there. The only way we are going to recognize them is if we're listening attentively to God and allowing Him to lead us and teach us His ways. Even Scripture, by itself, doesn't help, because it is so possible for people to twist Scripture around to mean what they want it to mean.

So there you have it. These days I try to take at least 5 minutes a day (and usually more) to sit still, sit quietly, and allow God to speak to me if He wishes to do so. I've been amazed at some of the things I've been learning. I now have the confidence in my own ability to hear from God that allows me to disregard what someone else says if it's not in line with what I've heard from Him myself. The truth is, I have no way of knowing whether another person is REALLY hearing from God or not. All I know is what I've heard from Him myself, and that HAS to be my guide, even if there's a chance I'm wrong.

By the way, after I left the cult and started turning back to God, I told Him, "That does it. I'm not going to believe ANYthing any more unless I hear it directly from you." I realized that there was so much error I'd learned from the cult that I would never be able to figure out what was truth and what was lies. So I figured I need to throw it all out and start with a clean slate. That turned out to be a wise move on my part, but the final step in my journey to freedom has been learning to hear His voice. All the promises in Scripture of healing, provision, blessings, victory, freedom, etc., are all contingent on our being able to hear Him.

Sorry for going on so long. It's been a long road and I obviously have a lot to say. :) But I can't emphasize enough how absolutely crucial it is to learn to hear from God ourselves so that no one can ever fool us again.

God bless you on your journey!

Judy

[PatriciaM]

Hi, my name is Patricia, and of all the things in life I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.

But seriously, I just wanted to introduce myself, and here’s my story in a nutshell…

I grew up in a perfectionist household. When we all got saved, it changed to christian perfectionism, i.e. not only trying to be a perfect person, but trying to be the perfect christian. I was only 12 at the time, and that’s a lot of pressure to put on a child.

When I was 14, I started to have problems with depression and anorexia. My christian counselor (from a charismatic church) told me that the reason that I was having problems was because I was selfish. She then proceeded to lecture me about being a better person without asking one question or listening to where my head was at. My other christian counselor was clueless and worthless.

Since then, I’ve been involved in 4 spiritually abusive churches, 3 spiritually abusive ministries and endured several spiritually abusive friends and acquaintances all over the period of 20 years.

I’m so angry at them for the abuse, but I’m more angry at myself for allowing myself to be abused and for not recognizing it earlier or for defending myself.

Can anyone relate to the self anger and the self loathing that comes from it?

[FreeinJesus]

.... Anytime there is one charismatic leader at the head that isn't accountable to anyone and that uses control methods to keep his "sheep" in line, that is the biggest clue. He probably also used the Bible as a club.
... I really think the biggest thing was that I needed to learn how to listen to God myself. ....." I allowed other people to mediate between me and God--to be His spokespeople.

....I was committing the sin of idolatry. No person should ever be allowed to be God in our lives.
The thing is, there are many wolves in sheep's clothing out there..... Even Scripture, by itself, doesn't help, because it is so possible for people to twist Scripture around to mean what they want it to mean.
.... I now have the confidence in my own ability to hear from God that allows me to disregard what someone else says if it's not in line with what I've heard from Him myself.
...B] I realized that there was so much error I'd learned from the cult that I would never be able to figure out what was truth and what was lies. So I figured I need to throw it all out and start with a clean slate[/B].

(((JUDY)))
WOW!!! I am so glad you posted this! I can relate.

What a valuable lesson! I hope I can do the same, hear God for myself...I'm getting there...slowly but surely.

After walking away from xabusive church my whole belief system was nothing but rubble...which was OK because I had begun to realize that much of what I/we were taught was someones twisted "interpretation". I agree w/ your comment on the scriptures. After exiting the bible-cult I told my husband that "that book (pointing to the bible) can cause a lot of damage & hurt!!" :( I know as a "christian" to say something like that probably sounds horrible, but that is exactly how I felt. Someone put their *spin* on what the bible says.[/I].

The bible was used to damage & put shame on people, my husand & I LIVED it. The pulpit was used for 'axe grinding' and we heard a lot of "this ministry! this church!".....I started wondering where Jesus was in all of this. :confused: Nobody in the over 18 years I was in it has ever left that viper organization on good terms. If you "leave" you are excommunicated/church disciplined. He said in a sermon that he could NOT in good conscience tell members who live in different states, hundreds of miles away to find a church where they live!) How unbelievably arrogant.:mad: & what a burden to put on those people....:( a burden that was never placed on the Ethiopian Eunuch). Of course he believes his particular groups are the 'true church' & as close to a perfect "church" as you can get....uh-huh:rolleyes:

..then he would distort the truth from the pulpit...in a sermon he yelled "anyone is FREE to leave!!! I've never told anyone that they can't go!!!" here is what I posted on another forum in regards to this bu11sh!t tactic:

"you are free to leave" is only said so that it can be on a cd/dvd or tape to give the false impression that the unaccountable pastor is not as controlling as he really is over people. In addition when you eventually get the courage to leave you get publically ridiculed, publically excommunicated & a lovely exclusion letter letting you know you have made a "wretched choice" & be prepared for "God's judgment/ie fiery indignation".(this coming from a man that you at one point believed was "the man of God"...it can be psychological torture:() In addition to all of these lovely perks of "being FREE to leave", you are informed by controlling pastor that "we will have to wash our hands of you":( & the icing on the cake is that you will be shunned, by people you thought cared for you because of JESUS, not because of some "religious system". This is when you realize it wasn't about GOD but about being a "member" of an elite club.....what a realization! :(
Truely if one were FREE to leave, a healthy preacher would give you a hug, tell you he/she loves you regardless of where you choose to fellowship. You would be blessed & not cursed by him. I know that the sunday we were excommunicated the cd/dvd/tapes were NOT available for purchase by the public via the "church" website like other sermons. WHY NOT? If someone is so convinced what they are doing is so "godly" & righteous, what is there to hide? Definitely this is a tactic of secrecy that you really have no idea of what you are getting into until you have already made the commitment & they already "have you". Doesn't the bible talk about a "trap" or being bewitched because that is what these controlling wolves do...they lord it over & they have dominion over others faith. there is no room for freedom in this system.
I would DARE anyone from that supposed church to find all of the cds/dvds/tapes of the ex-communications of people & hand that to a potential convert & say "Oh, & by the way, should you choose to leave, be prepared to be treated like this!!":eek: The potential convert would run like a bat out of hell if he had any idea of the true inner workings & how hurtful & punitive it really is.”

That man has absolutely NO earthly accountability whatsoever, no presbytry, no board of elders. He is a law unto himself, IMHO.:mad:

The bible-cult I was in had many, if not all elements of what would be considered an "abberant" (sp?) group. I was probably 22 when I started listening the xabusivepastor, I was naive & ripe for indoctrination....oh well. Can't go back...trying to move forward. God help!

PS...as far as the "free to leave" bs..when I tried to leave at another time he used FEAR to manipulate me into staying. I had said that I think God would understand us leaving, he said "I wouldn't play on God's mercies"...that's when he informed me how they would "wash their hands of us" and right before our conversation ended he informed me in a mean, rebuking voice, "well...I wouldn't want to be YOU!":eek: in which I interpreted as "you will be making God very angry by leaving this group" :( Free to leave...yeah, right.:rolleyes::mad: Sorry so long Judy!!:o

[FreeinJesus]

(((PatriciaM))) WELCOME!!!!:)
WELCOME (((AmandaF))) too!!!:)

I'm sorry I didn't welcome you sooner....I haven't been posting as often as I was on the computer too much & had to step back.:o

PatriciaM, We posted at the exact same time!!:D:D

Anyhow, I think that us lambs, who have been used to being ordered & pushed around, albeit sometimes in subtle manipulative ways, that we begin to feel it's normal to have a dictator in our lives! Just my opinion.:o I will have to go & read some of your posts, but I hope you can find help & a respite here. Many of us know how damaging spiritual abuse can be...we've walked that painful, lonely road, but please always remember that GOD is with you. HE WILL NEVER FORSAKE YOU or any of his children. That is what keeps me going....God loves me, God loves me....I have to keep telling myself that because for so long I was told that God was very angry at me for even "doubting", questioning, murmuring & now especially since we've left the abusive church & I was told that God was now REALLY ANGRY with me for doing that.:(:( But I know better!!! ;):):)

God does love me & He loves you too.:)
Keep your chin up!!
FIJ aka FreeinJesus

[amandaF]

WELCOME (((AmandaF))) too!!!

FreeinJesus..thanks :)

[Tim]

Did you ever read Brendan Manning's (hoping I'm remembering his name correctly) "The Ragamuffin Gospel"? A really wonderful message right in line with what you're saying.


I've heard of this book but haven't read it. On your suggestion, sounds like I should check it out. I'm a reader and have read so many books that have been helpful in my recovery.

Did you ever read Peace Like a River by Leif Enger. It won some fiction awards when it came out in 2001. One of the main characters, "Swede" Land, is a girl who wants to be a fiction writer. It is a hauntingly sweet and powerful story.

As you say, the journey continues as the Lord is restoring the years the locusts have eaten. No power in hell, no scheme of man, can ever pluck me from God's hand.

Take care and hang in there...Tim

[PatriciaM]

Thanks, FreeinJesus, for the welcome and the hug...and for the good words. Hopefully the longer I'm here, the more I'll be able to share about my personal journey.

[FreeinJesus]

Thanks, FreeinJesus, for the welcome and the hug...and for the good words. Hopefully the longer I'm here, the more I'll be able to share about my personal journey.
PatriciaM,:)
It does seem scary to talk about it at first....I lurked a lot on forums before I actually began to post about my SA experiences. I can speak specifically about what happened to us & at the same time stay anonymous.
That is a good thing for now.
Venting about the SA that happened is theraputic for me.
Some people don't need to vent, but I'm one that needs to get it out.:o

So Patricia, you are not alone! which is a wonderful thing to realize that there really are other people that understand. That helped me a lot! :)

Post when you are ready & take your time........
FIJ :)

[PatriciaM]

Dear FreeinJesus,

It IS good to vent about the SA! I was just recently told by a grief counselor that, "in order to heal, one must get the grief outside of oneself", meaning to express it in one way or another, either by talking about it or journaling. Healing from SA is a form of grieving...grieving what should have been and was not, grieving the loss of trust, grieving the loss of relationships and grieving the part of yourself that dies because of the betrayal.

I realize that I have never talked to anyone about the SA that I've endured, and I've journaled about it only sparingly. I vent to God often about many things, but not really about the SA. I guess that needs to change.

I know forgiveness is a big part of the healing, but one must specifically know what one is forgiving before they can do that. They need to get the anger out first before they can forgive. Forgiving yourself is important too.

[Jerry]

I vent to God often about many things, but not really about the SA. I guess that needs to change.

I know forgiveness is a big part of the healing, but one must specifically know what one is forgiving before they can do that. They need to get the anger out first before they can forgive.

Dear PatriciaM,,,,
And how is it that you have never vented to God about the abuse ????...............Because "God" allowed it...How dare He allow this to happen to you ????

Love Jerry

P.S.Go ahead,,,,Gods a big boy ,,,,,He can take it ;)

[Reg]

Dear FreeinJesus,

It IS good to vent about the SA! I was just recently told by a grief counselor that, "in order to heal, one must get the grief outside of oneself", meaning to express it in one way or another, either by talking about it or journaling. Healing from SA is a form of grieving...grieving what should have been and was not, grieving the loss of trust, grieving the loss of relationships and grieving the part of yourself that dies because of the betrayal.

I realize that I have never talked to anyone about the SA that I've endured, and I've journaled about it only sparingly. I vent to God often about many things, but not really about the SA. I guess that needs to change.

I know forgiveness is a big part of the healing, but one must specifically know what one is forgiving before they can do that. They need to get the anger out first before they can forgive. Forgiving yourself is important too.
Welcome to our group here PatriciaM. Glad that you found us. Look forward to hearing more of your experiences.

Here's a few threads where we discussed the Stages of Grief. It may help you identify where you are in the process.

Stages of a crisis/grief
http://www.christianrecovery.com/vb/showthread.php?t=5678&highlight=stages+grief&page=4

The anger stage
http://www.christianrecovery.com/vb/showthread.php?t=7280&highlight=stages+grief

The Grieving Process
http://www.christianrecovery.com/vb/showthread.php?t=6937&highlight=stages+grief

[yeshua'smags]

I have to say, now that I'm somewhat on the other side, I am so glad God let the abuse happen to us. It took it getting as bad as it did to make us realize we couldn't fight, and that we had to get out. And then He led us right into a safe place and let new, healthier ministries grow.
The thing I can't shake is the paranoia. We are SO paranoid still, and imagining elaborate underlying conspiracies, just because we were so blindsided when it happened at St. Lucifer's.(:D our pet name for our old church)...I'd really like to shake that feeling. It sucks to feel like people are only your friend to get info out of you, or to get you into trouble, to let you know you aren't as good at your ministry as you think you are....blah blah blah...I hate that feeling.

[PatriciaM]

Thank you, Jerry and Reg, for your good words! I will definitely check out those links.

I can relate Mags! It seems that people only want what they can get from you. Every time I visit a new church and they find out that I can sing and do drama, they IMMEDIATELY want to put me to work! Can't I just attend for awhile, get settled in first and be accepted for who I am and not for what I can do for your church? They mean well, of course, and their definition of acceptance is involvement. Unfortunately for wounded people like us, its not the kind of acceptance we're looking for.

[mizsandy]

Hey i am new also! I am so glad i found a forum to talk about the SA. At least all of you can understand it. I came up with the conclusion that God allowed this experience to grow me and not destroy me. At least now i can be more discerning with people who are in the church. I didn't do that. So trusting and naive. My only concern is the people that are still in the church where we came from. We were shunned and rejected. I know how Jesus felt when He was rejected. It has been by God's Amazing Grace that we survived and GOT OUT of There! Hello everyone! Nice to meet you!!!!!!:):D;)

[FreeinJesus]

... So trusting and naive. My only concern is the people that are still in the church where we came from. We were shunned and rejected. I know how Jesus felt when He was rejected. It has been by God's Amazing Grace that we survived and GOT OUT of There! Hello everyone! Nice to meet you!!!!!!:):D;)
((PatricaM)) You are soo right about forgiving!! It takes time I think. I do see light at the end of the tunnel &
I hope that you will too. :)

MizSandy!! WELCOME!! :) Nice to meet you and a ((HUG)) for you. You are now in the brotherhood of the abused & shunned.

I highlighted the parts of what you said that I can really relate to!

I felt the same way after our ''escape'' from our former bible-cult (I struggle calling it a "church" because I don't believe it is anymore...:rolleyes:..could be wrong.) Walking away from that abusive group was one of the hardest things I'd ever done in my life. I was damaged on every level, emotionally, physically, psychologically, spiritually, financially, ......:( All we wanted to do was to LEAVE, walk away, but NOOOOO, xabusive pastor had to excommunicate/church discipline us, and tell us to basically look out for 'God's wrath' comin' our way. That's a hell of a scary thing to hear from a man that I once considered a "man of God". But, I can see clearly now:)..that supposed 'man of God' was using FEAR & intimidation to keep us in his "true church", which I don't believe is "true" or a "church". Anyhow, we have FREEDOM in Christ & I let a man take that freedom from me/us for over 18 years. NEVER AGAIN.

I pray God will guide you on your walk. It does get better with time & the right thoughts in your head. God loves & cares for YOU! Sorry so long....I have lots inside of me that just comes out fromtime to time.:o