the *why's* of joining an abusive group

[Ontheroad]

Last night, I was instant messaging with my closest friend, who left my former church the same time I did. We began talking about *why* we fell into this awful church in the first place. I hold the pastor ultimately responsible, because he was entrusted by God to protect people and to lead them into truth, and He failed. He chose to fail, because of his pride, self-serving attitude, and willful delusion into false doctrine. But my friend and I also wondered: what is about us that led to us believing the lies and staying in a such an errant, abusive place? She and I each feel like that for us, the primary thing was that we were both hurting individuals who needed help and guidance, and more than anything, to feel accepted and loved. That was twisted by the pastor and used for his own gain.

Bottom line: we feared rejection and wanted acceptance, so we stayed in a place that in our hearts we knew wasn't right, justifying the pastor's doctrine and actions. Without realizing it, we were afraid to leave, because we so wanted his and the church's acceptance. We wanted to belong.

I would be very interested and grateful if anyone else here wants to share any insights they have about why they joined the abusive group they did.

[Beautiful_Dreamer]

I mainly got into it because I was dating my ex and he and his family were the ones who had the harmful beliefs...so to date him I really couldn't avoid it. I was in love with him and I thought we would get married...he kept telling me we would, he would finish school and move out of his parents' house and he would move where I live,etc...and I don't think he was a bad person but this never happened. I am glad that it didn't because honestly I did not realize the degree that the beliefs he had hurt me and would continue to cause problems until after I was out of the situation, or until I was on my way out of it.

And then being around other christians who were more into dogma and doctrine than love and compassion certainly didn't help. I think part of it and part of why we stay is because we are hurting or because we are taught to look at the good things and deal with the bad things, because 'no one is perfect'. We might not realize that it *is* okay to say no, that there are some things that we *dont* have to put up with, and to question does not mean you are going to anger God. God isn't some random guy with a beard sitting on a cloud just waiting to zap all of these horrible people who don't fit into His mold. I think I always knew that but I did not realize just how pervasive and wrongheaded my ex's beliefs were until I left. He did later admit to me that he was wrong about the medical thing, but the rest of it I just could *not* deal with.

[Beautiful_Dreamer]

I;ll also mention that a lot of people might ask us why we stay in or join an abusive group, thinking we should have 'known better' or that we are gluttons for punishment or something...but the truth is it is often just like an abusive relationship. The negative stuff is not there at the start; often these groups or people do not reveal their 'true colors' to you until they have your trust and until you are in a situation where you are not able or strong enough to leave; they have you thinking that you cannot get any better, that this is the way it *has* to be and you have to take the good with the bad (never mind the bad far outweighs the good), or that you deserve what you are getting. None of this is true, of course, but this is what an abusive partner will have you believing and I don't see a spiritually abusive group as being any different.

[Siobhanne]

When I married my husband, I chose to attend his church. I did not see it as abusive. At that time, I think it was a fairly healthy place. A new pastor had just been hired. He's been there almost 19yrs now.. and has become increasingly authoritarian and heavy handed over the years. Services become largely evangelistic with little sound doctrine taught. Spiritually mature people got fed up and left. It became easier for false doctrine to be taught etc. It was a very gradual thing that I did not see coming until it hit me in the face. I was the frog in the pot that didn't realize the water was gradually getting hotter until it started to boil. Like many people, I wanted love, acceptance and a sense of belonging. Yes, I thought I could find some semblance of that in a church. For some reason, having those very human needs gives me a profound sense of shame. Perhaps that left me more vulnerable to manipulation. Now that I've been there so long, leaving the church would also mean leaving my family... a difficult bullet to bite. I would lose my husband and possibly my children. Even if we left, I fear the same thing would happen somewhere else.. different church with the same minisry philosophy.

[ex-shep]

This is a great post. I can think of how a friend was recruited. It was love bombing though and through. Ask me how I got recruited and what made me stayed is a blurr. The group fed into my religious addiction and certainly gave me a sense of belonging. There were members who also shared my interest in music so that helped. I used to study in music library where more the members hung out.

The sad thing was nobody had an idea that there was shepherding going until after in graduated college in 1983. By that point some of the senior members of the sponsoring church smelled a rat and screamed foul.

The bible school definitely had comaderie. I had some wild and close friendship. I have tons of stories of some the nutty and fun things which happened there.

The thing that may have kept me from getting burned far worse than I did was that I always from the time I accepted the Lord had an interest or was always around cults. So when I lost a friend to a shepherding group, I was wanted to get to the bottom of what was really going on.

[Jerry]

"When someone "shows" you who they are,,,,,,,believe them the first time".,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I paid no mind to that when I was in the abusive Church,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,now it is one of the things I live by ;)
Love Jerry

[ex-shep]

I;ll also mention that a lot of people might ask us why we stay in or join an abusive group, thinking we should have 'known better' or that we are gluttons for punishment or something...but the truth is it is often just like an abusive relationship. The negative stuff is not there at the start; often these groups or people do not reveal their 'true colors' to you until they have your trust and until you are in a situation where you are not able or strong enough to leave; they have you thinking that you cannot get any better, that this is the way it *has* to be and you have to take the good with the bad (never mind the bad far outweighs the good), or that you deserve what you are getting. None of this is true, of course, but this is what an abusive partner will have you believing and I don't see a spiritually abusive group as being any different.

The fact of the matter was we were deceived with hidden information. I had no idea I was part of a larger movement known as the shepherding/discipleship movement. I had no idea the name of the leader of the group where I lost my friend. They also have a habit of changing their name to avoid detection.

I was helped by a conversation with a woman who left a destructive bible based group in New Jersey. I was overwhelmed with shame how I was thinking that I was trying to save a girl and get her into the group. I actually was stalking her. The woman asked, "Did 'Lindsay' know about shepherding and mind control?"

"No", I replied.

"Ok. Shep, did you know about cults and mind control at the time?

"No, not until I was counseled out"

"There you go. You see you were working the knowlege and the data you had at the time."

That was a weight off my shoulders. Intestingly enouth, I did make ammend with Lindsay in 1987 and talked to her at length in 1992. I had made ammeds with all involved by 1995.

[Doug64]

Hi all:


My wife and I both got into the 'church' because our parents were members. My folks were attracted to it because the (radio) messages were so sincere and taught things that no other churches (seemed) to be teaching. They claimed to be the only ones with the truth and that seemed to be the case - based on what we knew (very little) about the Bible.

Doug :)

[Beautiful_Dreamer]

Doug, what was it that they taught that your parents were attracted to?

[Ontheroad]

I;ll also mention that a lot of people might ask us why we stay in or join an abusive group, thinking we should have 'known better' or that we are gluttons for punishment or something...but the truth is it is often just like an abusive relationship. The negative stuff is not there at the start; often these groups or people do not reveal their 'true colors' to you until they have your trust and until you are in a situation where you are not able or strong enough to leave; they have you thinking that you cannot get any better, that this is the way it *has* to be and you have to take the good with the bad (never mind the bad far outweighs the good), or that you deserve what you are getting. None of this is true, of course, but this is what an abusive partner will have you believing and I don't see a spiritually abusive group as being any different.

I totally agree with you. I think that most abusive groups either have a facade that tricks prospective recruits or they start out only semi-cultish and deteriorate over time. In my case, it was a bit of both. The pastor was very secretive about sharing "controversial" aspects with people until he felt like he could trust them. He would say that most people just weren't on the same spiritual plane and lacked the understanding/discernment our church had. (How arrogant!) So many people didn't know the more bizarre stuff that went on until they were already suckered in. But also, my church wasn't nearly as "off" when I joined it as it became by the time I left. It was subtle and gradual, but all the signs were there nonetheless. I had just been conditioned to rationalize away the signs in the name of discernment and covenant loyalty. Ugh.

Thank you for your posts. You brought up some very good points!

[Ontheroad]

I was the frog in the pot that didn't realize the water was gradually getting hotter until it started to boil. Like many people, I wanted love, acceptance and a sense of belonging. Yes, I thought I could find some semblance of that in a church. For some reason, having those very human needs gives me a profound sense of shame. Perhaps that left me more vulnerable to manipulation. Now that I've been there so long, leaving the church would also mean leaving my family... a difficult bullet to bite. I would lose my husband and possibly my children. Even if we left, I fear the same thing would happen somewhere else.. different church with the same minisry philosophy.

Siobhane,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know it hurts and is very scary to think about leaving and losing friends or even family. I'm so sorry you are in that position.

Don't feel ashamed for having those legitimate human needs. God created us to need to belong and be loved and there is no shame in that at all! The shame is for the leaders in your church who have manipulated and capitalized on that.

I'll be praying for you and your family.

[Ontheroad]

This is a great post. I can think of how a friend was recruited. It was love bombing though and through. Ask me how I got recruited and what made me stayed is a blurr. The group fed into my religious addiction and certainly gave me a sense of belonging. There were members who also shared my interest in music so that helped. I used to study in music library where more the members hung out. .

It makes you wonder if cults tailor-make their recruiting process to fit the recruitee. If someone would respond to "love-bombing", then that technique was used. If someone else would respond to religious addiction, then that technique was used. I wonder if it is intentional or unintentional. Probably it happens both ways, depending on the group.


The thing that may have kept me from getting burned far worse than I did was that I always from the time I accepted the Lord had an interest or was always around cults. So when I lost a friend to a shepherding group, I was wanted to get to the bottom of what was really going on.

Wow...I think that is awesome that the Lord put that tenacity and determination in you from the beginning of your Christian walk. Good for you for following up on your desire to get to the bottom of things! That shows a real strength.

[Ontheroad]

"When someone "shows" you who they are,,,,,,,believe them the first time".,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I paid no mind to that when I was in the abusive Church,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,now it is one of the things I live by ;)
Love Jerry

GREAT quote, Jerry. DEFINITELY something to live by. Kind of like: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Oh, the lessons learned.....

[Ontheroad]

Hi all:


My wife and I both got into the 'church' because our parents were members. My folks were attracted to it because the (radio) messages were so sincere and taught things that no other churches (seemed) to be teaching. They claimed to be the only ones with the truth and that seemed to be the case - based on what we knew (very little) about the Bible.

Doug :)
How many groups make that exact claim - that they are the ONLY ones with the real truth! It is a hallmark cult sign. My church and pastor sure claimed the same. Gag! How arrogant!

I'm so glad you got out.

[Willow]

Siobhanne,

You know if you needed to leave... I have an extra bed and bath in my condo to house you til you get on your feet.

Love, Willow

[Katie]

I have been thinking about how to respond to this for several days.

Of course one of the first things we went through after being abused was questioning, "How did we ever end up in this situation?"

I don't know where the line is between an abusive church situation and a cult. That may be a subjective area. My situation is from a church with leadership who are at times abusive.

Most churches aren't 100% evil or 100% safe. We began going to the church that we were at because we really liked the people there. Our fellowship with the majority of the people was sincere and an important part of our life.

We were involved in leadership in the church, and over the years experienced much frustration with the senior leader. But trying to believe the best of one another, giving grace, and staying committed to the relationships seemed to be the right thing to do.

Because I have a healthy sense of my personal boundaries, I did not believe that I was vulnerable to abuse. I felt up to dealing with whatever conflicts arose in an honest, face-to-face manner.

But in our situation, a trap was set strategically by the senior leader. Because of jealousy, insecurity, and a desire to exert control, false accusations were presented to the rest of the team and to the person who oversees the church leadership. The scheming and deception that were involved in plotting this were truly evil.

We were made the scapegoat for all of the problems of the leadership team. To submit to their plans for "our restoration" would have been the most abusive, defiling thing we could have done. At that point it was necessary to leave.

I know that many on this board have experienced terrible things. This is the first time that I have been abused, violated, and betrayed. My eyes have been opened to many things since this experience. I have seen the potential for abuse with any leadership position. I can see where I may have unintentionally hurt others.

This is not the first time the senior leader has done things like this, but I did not understand how abusive it was until having been the victim. While the other members of the team went along with it, I believe their participation in the abuse is unintentional. If they continue to follow the leader in this manner however, they will be involved again in hurting others.

The majority of the people sitting in the pews on Sunday morning do not feel abused, and it is not likely they will be targeted unless they become an obstacle to the senior leader. They do not know the true colors of the person that they are following, and he will keep those true colors hidden if he is able to.

[Willow]

The majority of the people sitting in the pews on Sunday morning do not feel abused, and it is not likely they will be targeted unless they become an obstacle to the senior leader. They do not know the true colors of the person that they are following, and he will keep those true colors hidden if he is able to.

Katie, I have found this to be true as well. I didn't understand the pain and damage that was caused until I was close to a couple of situations and also felt neglect toward me personally. Then I understood and can see how I have participated as a leader in the abuse in the past.