Safe People

[Reg]

I have just finished reading this book at the cottage last weekend. Has anyone read this book? I would like to discuss something about what it said. It opened an area of my life although I was aware of but did not realize it went as deep as it did. A part of my emotional life has been starved for so long that it is no longer available to me. The need I would normally have is no longer felt by me.

When I get more time I will write about that area. Simply put, I suffer from a broken heart and am unable to reach out emotionally with the intimate parts of my heart. Chapter 8 describes this condition. Why Do I Isolate Myself From People

I have been cut off from my own feelings for so long that a part of me has shut down a long time ago. I was not really aware of how deep this goes until I read the book. I hurt too much to keep wanting love. I came to the conclusion that I could really survive on my own. I felt it was much less messy and uncomplicated than taking another risk to be hurt again. I accepted my situation.

Safe People
http://www.amazon.com/Safe-People-Relationships-Avoid-Those/dp/0310210844/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/002-7642058-1983218?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1189091545&sr=1-1

[Willow]

I can relate to this Reg.

[Anna Marta]

Reg,

I read it about 4 years ago and it changed me life, considerably...

Anna Marta

[Jerry]

I have just finished reading this book at the cottage last weekend. Has anyone read this book? I would like to discuss something about what it said. It opened an area of my life although I was aware of but did not realize it went as deep as it did. A part of my emotional life has been starved for so long that it is no longer available to me. The need I would normally have is no longer felt by me.

When I get more time I will write about that area. Simply put, I suffer from a broken heart and am unable to reach out emotionally with the intimate parts of my heart. Chapter 8 describes this condition. Why Do I Isolate Myself From People

I have been cut off from my own feelings for so long that a part of me has shut down a long time ago. I was not really aware of how deep this goes until I read the book. I hurt too much to keep wanting love. I came to the conclusion that I could really survive on my own. I felt it was much less messy and uncomplicated than taking another risk to be hurt again. I accepted my situation.

Safe People
http://www.amazon.com/Safe-People-Relationships-Avoid-Those/dp/0310210844/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/002-7642058-1983218?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1189091545&sr=1-1
Dear Reg,,,,
The man you refer to in your post is not dead,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,but sleeping ;)
Love Jerry

[Reg]

This is very difficult for me to accept but it accurately describes me in many ways. I need to discuss this more with those who can relate.

Chapter 8 - Why Do I Isolate Myself From People?

(From Chapter 7 as a prelude)
I have not realized that I have been cut off from my own feelings. There’s a part of me that has
shut down a long time ago because of a fear of intimacy. I have learned to do without. I have
accepted my singleness. Doing without is the final resting place of many who have tried almost
everything else to connect to their soul mate. It is where people go who have given up hope for
relationship. It is a place of quiet despair. When doing the same, the opposite, too much, nothing,
for others, and to yourself fall through, you are looking at yourself, alone, through a mirror. The
very isolation of the dilemma is a judgement on you. It judges you in many ways. One of the
most significant in my own life is I am too damaged to have a significant relationship.

Typically, people who suffer from this last solution of ‘doing without’ don’t make a big fuss
about things. They get their lives in order. They bury themselves in work, service, or other
worthwhile venues. And they try not to think about what they’re doing without.

The disconnected part of the soul isn’t very rude or demanding entity. It tends to die quietly,
gradually withering away like a starving infant. After a period of time, you may no longer even
be able to feel the pain of isolation. At this point, less pain but more damage is occurring.

Chapter 8

I have not realized that I have been cut off from my own feelings. There’s a part of me that has
shut down a long time ago because of a fear of intimacy. I believe it started as an infant. I never
bonded to my mother as she was often unavailable to me as a single parent. My father had left
and I never knew him. I was raised by my stepfather. I didn’t discover he wasn’t my real father
until I was 18. I was nurtured by my grandmother and bonded with her. I sort of gave up seeking
love from my parents somewhere along the line. It hurt too much. There was a sort of empty
blankness on the other end where mom was supposed to be. Later at some point I said to myself,
“I’ll stop needing people”. I sought love and acceptance by my performance.

A Broken Heart

Our hearts aren’t all that strong. God has constructed us with certain needs and certain
limitations. Our most basic and primary need is to be loved by God and people. We can put that
need off, we can meet it in crazy ways, and we can try not to feel it, but it’s simply a spiritual
reality. Paul illustrated that need well when he wrote, “The eye cannot say to the hand, ‘I don’t
need you!’ And the head cannot say to the feet, ‘I don’t need you!’” (1Cor 12:21)

When our need to internalize, or take in, others for sustenance, is thwarted, we are injured. Part
of our heart goes hungry. Just as internal organs begin to break down when we don’t have
enough food, our hearts start to break down when we do not receive love. Enough of this and we
enter the condition the Bible calls brokenheartedness. God has a special tenderness for this
difficult condition: “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in
spirit” (Psa 34:16)

The brokenhearted person has - literally in the Hebrew - a “burst” heart. She/he has lost the
ability to trust, to need, and to reach out for attachment. Many times she/he has been set up to be
connected and receive love from people important to her. And each time something has broken
down. Her/his deprivation is so great that she can no longer function relationally. The
relationship breakdown happens in several ways: Through abandonment (Me), inconsistent
attachment and attack.

Abandonment (Me)

Some people are left emotionally by a significant person. The may be a parent, a spouse (Me), or
a friend. The important thing is that you have to be attached to feel abandoned. That is, you had
the person inside you for a period of time, and they mattered to you. Then for various reasons, the
person leaves. This can be a physical abandonment such as a spouse who simply removes the
emotional supplies from a person. (Me)

Whatever the situation, if the relationship is significant enough to us, we attempt to reach out for
the lost person for awhile. Then part of us despairs and loses hope, sinking deep inside as a man
sinks into quicksand. We lose our sense of expectation of love, and eventually we lose our sense
of need. This is the brokenhearted condition: “I looked for sympathy, but there was none, for
comforters, but I found none” (Psa 69:20) The aching heart simply turns itself off.

Self-sufficiency

People who avoid relationships have problems not with functional self-sufficiency but with
relational self-sufficiency. The problem with the relationally self-sufficient person is that he
operates in his own relational world. He runs his emotional affairs like a one-man business. His
emotional philosophy is the following:

I take care of my problems. (Deal with it.)
I don’t burden others with my problems. (Me)
I can handle my problems myself, thank you.
I’m fine, really.
No really, I’m fine.

What’s wrong here? God doesn’t create us to be relationally self-sufficient. He loves us to need
each other. Our needs teach us about love and keep us humble. True self-sufficiency is a product
of the Fall.

If you’ve got the disease of self-sufficiency, you’ve probably had it a long time. (Me) And you’ve
probably described it in positive terms like responsible, independent, and grown up. Indeed, self-
sufficiency has lots of advantages, because you get to avoid all the uncomfortable problems nd
risks that needy people can’t get away from.
Here are a few examples:

You don’t have to experience your incompleteness, which is painful.
You don’t have to go to the trouble of finding people to love you.
You don’t have to show other people the hurting, imperfect parts of yourself.
You don’t have to look anyone in the eye and say, “I need you.”
You don’t have to risk asking others to comfort and support you.
You don’t have to humbly receive what they offer, in gratitude.
And you don’t have to do it again and again and again.

No wonder self-sufficiency is so difficult. Life seems to have more problems when your needs
start leaking out. What to do? If your self-sufficiency is driving you away from relationship and
into isolation, begin the process of confession. Confession is telling the truth, and the truth is,
you need people. The reason people say confession is good for the soul is because it brings
unloved parts of our character to places of love.

Find people who understand self-sufficiency. They’ll know you can’t “feel your need” for
them. But they’ll help you state your isolation, talk about the reasons you’ve disconnected, and
discuss how hard it is to give up your independence. As you confess this problem to safe people,
a wonderful thing happens: over time, self-sufficiency melts and gives way to need. You are then
reconciled not only to God and others, but also to yourself.

Let the love of God has provided begin to melt the cold, hard ice of your self-sufficiency.

An Inability To Experience Hunger

Call this problem “spiritually anorexia”. It’s starving yourself for psychological reasons. The
word anorexia actually means “no appetite.” If you talk to an anorexic about why she is not
eating, she’ll report, “I’m just not hungry.” And she means it. There are several causes for this
condition, but it’s obviously a dangerous one.

Likewise, in the spiritual and relational arena, some people literally can’t feel their need for
relationship. (Me) They starve themselves when they should be connecting with others, because
often they aren’t aware of their need. They are numb to their emptiness.

Yet God created within us a hunger, a longing to be known and loved. This hunger functions
exactly like physical hunger, It’s a signal. It causes discomfort, a warning saying, “Get up and get
connected. Your tanks empty.” Hunger keeps us aware of our needs, and God responds to that:
“God sets the lonely in families” (Ps. 68:6)

Generally, this numbness develops over time as a protective measure. Spiritual anorexia
occurs when the heart has been let down, disappointed, or hurt so many times that our
“Need Neurons” stop firing. It’s as if that part of our character is saying, “Why feel hunger? No
one will be there anyway.” And so part of us cuts of the sensation to need. (To be continued)

[Reg]

Continued from below.....

It’s easy to tell if you have this condition. Here are some classic hallmarks:

I am uncomfortable with people and relaxed when alone. (Only last part for me)
I don’t get “lonely,” whatever people mean by that.
I spend time with people out of obligation, or for functional reason. (Golf, church)

Now God also created us to spend time alone. We need to get away. But spiritual anorexia dulls
the senses so much that we can be in real emotional trouble - depressed, ready to act out
compulsively, or worst - and the idea that “I might need to call someone” will not even occur to
the spiritual anorexic. For them, relationship isn’t a hunger - it’s an unneeded option..........

There are few things more painful than asking for love and finding no one out there. Like an
exposed nerve ending in your body, your need waits, naked and unprotected, feeling all its
hunger. And with no relationship on the other end to soothe, comfort, and care, the pain of
reaching out is intolerable.

To compensate for this sort of emotional agony, we devalue what we need. Finding all sorts of
creative reasons why we wouldn’t want him or her anyway helps us make it another day.

Passivity

There can be several causes for passivity, such as:

a wish to be rescued from their problems by a caring person a fear of loss if they reach out to
someone.
a fear of failure.

Sometimes passive people spiritualize their condition. They call a “handing it over to God.”.
They’ll “wait for God” to do things to help them, such as:

find them a job
find them a mate
solve relationship problems
find them a support group
heal emotional pain ...............

Warning: Passivity is hazardous to your health. If your passive you may find that it’s hard to
reach out and take initiative in relationships. You may wait to phone, hoping someone will
call. You may wait for a church member to greet and welcome you.

Don’t let life pass you by as you shrink back. Don’t let passivity create a mummylike, survival-
type existence for you. Find people who want to help you enter the world, encourage you to take
action, and support your attempts to regain control over your life and relationships.

Chapter 12 - Learning How To Be Safe

Learn to Need

In 1972, British-born New York neurologist named Oliver Sacks wrote a book about his
discoveries which is now a medical classic, titled Awakenings. Then in 1990, it was the basis of a
major film. His work has deeply affected the thinking of many medical and philosophical minds.

Sacks experience paint a vivid picture of the emotional state of many individuals. Like patients in
the Bronx “Garden,” those of us who have been emotionally detached may also have lost our
ability to connect to the outside world. Our needs and hungers are lost somewhere inside,
buried alive, with no ties to our “real” life. Life boils down to a sometimes meaningful series of
thoughts and actions. A genuine sense of rich connection to others, however, is absent. Our needs
sleep with us.

(My comment: They are dormant. Our trust muscle has been damaged to a point where it no
longer works.)

This may be true of you. Your needs for relationship may have been buried. They may be so far
underground that you’ve despaired of ever finding them again. If so, this second task, “Learning
to need” is vital for you. (This sure describes me.)

This issue relates to the problem mentioned in Chapter 8. “The Inability To Experience Hunger.”
You may have been hurt, deprived, or disconnected from relationship for so long that the need
simply died, leaving you with no experience of “wanting” connection. You know you need
people. But you can’t just make yourself “want” people.

Work Through Resistances

They write about this guy Tom who wanted to start a group about learning to be vulnerable,
open, and honest. It was supposed to be a place where they could learn to depend on and trust
each other.

He said to those who were interested. "There's a glitch in this idea, though. And I want to warn
you about it," Tom went on. 'I don't want to do this. I don't want to open up to you. I don't want
to bring you my inner feelings. I have no emotional interest in telling you my hurts. And I really
don't want you to open up to me.

This will be really, really difficult for me. I'd much rather do an information-based study., and
hide behind it. It's much more my style. But I've realized that emotional connections are very
important for my growth. No, more than important. I won't survive if I don't learn how to make
attachments. I'm gonna come to this group kicking and screaming. I'll fight it and resent it. But I
promise that I'll attend every meeting, and try my best"

"Tom was normalizing resistance. What is resistance? Resistance is our tendency to avoid
growth."

Although not as bad as Tom, I do have that resistance to go there presently. It is still all so new to me to come to this realization. I need time to process. I also need a FTF with someone here locally. I dated a gal for the last couple of years but lately I have come to the realization she is avoiding me. I believe she is a safe person but has conveyed to me that I am not emotionally available for her. I thought it was because of my SA largely and also with my wife leaving me. I didn't break down the differences but sort of lumped them all together as a major distrust issue.

I now see the differences and when I give myself some more time to process, plan to call her and tell her what I've discovered. But I'm not ready yet and frankly don't want to call her and get into this stuff. I am praying God will show me the right time to do this. I have sort of left the ball in her court inviting her for a ride to my cottage on a Friday sometime in August and to let me know when she has one free. She has not gotten back to me and that leads me to believe she wants to avoid me because she is not getting out of the relationship what she needs.

[Willow]

I think I really should read this book... although, I don't think being energized by being alone is a sign of sickness as much as it is a sign of a personality trait called introversion. Don't over analyze this thing Reg. You are OK just the way you are. HUGS

[Reg]

I think I really should read this book... although, I don't think being energized by being alone is a sign of sickness as much as it is a sign of a personality trait called introversion. Don't over analyze this thing Reg. You are OK just the way you are. HUGS
Thanks Amy,

Same to ((((you)))).

Yes, you should get the book. They say that being alone is OK. It's a time we all need to process and recharge our energies. Jesus often did that. It's just when you prefer being alone and resist being with others. They go into that in more detail.

Here's a quote I remember that's great about that.

When your need for justice exceeds your capacity to love it's time to recharge your love batteries. It's the time to be by yourself to study and pray and process. Getting away in a natural environment helps this through meditation.

[Tristan]

Dear Reg,

Yes, this is exactly how I feel.

[Pat-Yvette]

Hi, I read these book too, I understand the isolated situation, I been there, is a way to protect myself. I think is bad when we are ignoreted what these really mean. There is times when I act like that, behind these attitude is fear. But now is helping me, because I can start from my isolation again, I rest, I think, and the best thing is that God is there too, even in my isolated times. He pick me up again, so we dont should be to fell bad at all. In reality the way that we can learn to avoid these attitude is to learn not to leave in fear, understanding that God is in our side, I can have compassion for our enemies, is not easy if we learn to run away from them. I think we can give oportunities to our enemies, we can show love, compassion etc. but at the same time, we need to take care our mind and heart, we dont need to be especially in our recovery around foolish people, if you dont love yourself, you cant love anybody else, and you know what, dont forget your boundaries, to practice boundaries it doesnt mean that you dont love, thats real love, and they will see that you are serious in your recovery. You can have compasion, of course, but, have compasion in yourself first. Guard your heart.

[Sheep]

Reg,

Yep, I read the book too. You are learning some things about yourself. You are teachable. You are growing and healing...

Sheep

[Reg]

Reg,

Yep, I read the book too. You are learning some things about yourself. You are teachable. You are growing and healing...

Sheep
Thanks Sheep.

I realize that when I get closer to the pain that I need to walk through, a lot of tears are going to be shed. And of course, my natural resistance not to go there will kick in. Just sharing this new understanding is already giving me courage to keep walking in that direction.