The anger stage

[abbey]

Everytime I think of the abuse by the cult I get angery now. Do you think this is normal in the recovery process?

To be angered at every single thought about my SA?

[Elisabeth]

Everytime I think of the abuse by the cult I get angery now. Do you think this is normal in the recovery process?

To be angered at every single thought about my SA?

As far as I know that's very normal. I'm angry right now too. I've realized how much that church has made it harder for me to deal with my depression because of the fact that I was taught that if I was totally following God I wouldn't be depressed. I now know that's not true. :mad: :mad:

[abbey]

As far as I know that's very normal. I'm angry right now too. I've realized how much that church has made it harder for me to deal with my depression because of the fact that I was taught that if I was totally following God I wouldn't be depressed. I now know that's not true. :mad: :mad:

Yes elizabeth, I understand depression all to well too. I had it for 25 years. Just because we are washed in the blood and forgiven doesnt mean we stop being human! I hope you pull out of the blues soon dear one. Ill pray for you! :)

[mary]

Depressed, angry: yes. The Lord allows these things and He weeps along with us. I've been there just lately - in spades...

However, now I'm able to look up and when I do, I see Him, smiling at me. :) :) :) Starting finally to deal with that "father-phobia" and not being able to see God as Father. No, He really is Father -and Abbey and Elisabeth, He's really taking care of us, whether we can see it immediately or not!

I'm reading good books that point to the Lord, uplifting things that show His care. I keep remembering Francis Thompson's "The Hound of Heaven." Part of that poem: "All which I took from thee, I did but take, not for thy harms, but just that thou might'st seek it in My arms..." I've lost a lot of things; I'm on borrowed time now due to the two "blood things," but would I go back into "the world" and seek whatever I think I've lost? No! I have a sister who's physically healthy, but would I trade places with her? Never! She doesn't know my real Father, poor thing...

But for that lousy "pastor" and the other squirrels in that church, I might have found a loving congregation by now and my family and I would have the care and assistance of a pastor, elders, deacons, others. The Lord will provide for me, eventually. (The "new church effort" is moving along quite nicely.) We must always wait on the Lord and pray without stopping. Abbey and Elisabeth, He's caring for both of you right now... He knows all about anger and depression and desertion by others. He was there Himself. For us. And now He sits in that victorious place, preparing places for us... The Lord Jesus Christ matters. He's all that matters. We can't live here without Him, not profitably or comfortably or in any way that satisfies permanently.

Maybe this isn't something most people want to hear, but -- I've been dealing with anger and depression for my entire life, and the above is what, after all these years, I've found to be true... I fail under my own power, but not when I'm depending upon His.

Love and prayers for both of you, and everyone else here who's suffering,

mary

[Anna Marta]

For what it's worth, and I can't remember where I read this, anger is really really important to express for many reasons... it does help us to acknowledge the reality of what happened and is kind of like draining an abscess.

After anger comes grief, I wonder if what we think is depression may actually be grief or a long grieving process. There is a scripture that says something about grieving or mourning in the night so that joy comes in the morning. Symbolically I read that this means that joy does not follow anger... joy only follows after we are able to truly grieve what we lost through what happened... and it is this grief process that opens the door eventually to joy.

I chewed on this for a long time after reading it. Then I realized that those people I know who remained angry seemed to be the ones who developed the bitterness and resentment which impacted all areas of their lives. I think the bible refers to this as "a bitter root." However, those persons who actually grieve their loss and became sad for a time did go on to be able to find joy and purpose again for themselves and the things they experienced.

I know I have received a great deal of compassion and hope and love from those people who have been through that "dark night of the soul" and were able to assure me it would lift and I would see God's hand again. Now I am better able to recognize the stages I am going through, and they vary, because I have had several different kinds of abusive situations in my life.

I would describe this grief, for myself, kind of like the first time I went off the high dive at the pool. It was a long way down, thought I would never reach bottom. Then my feet hit and I pushed off. It was also a long way up again, felt like forever, before I reached the surface. Although I remember the experience, I was not thinking clearly enough while it was happening to be able to recognize that I would surface. It would have been a lot easier if I had been holding someone's hand or had been told what to expect.

There I go again, this probably sounds disjointed and nuts :eek:

Anna Marta

[Jerry]

Everytime I think of the abuse by the cult I get angery now. Do you think this is normal in the recovery process?

To be angered at every single thought about my SA?

YES,,,,,,,, ;)

[Hope 98]

Anger and grief are necessary! I know this in my head & believe it, I have such a hard time actually allowing myself to process it.

I have been soo horribly often accused of being bitter and unforgiving that I want to scream sometimes. I don't believe that's true. If it ever WAS true, I really think it had to do with being not allowed to express any negative emotion of any kind EVER! And I had to be careful of being too happy about the wrong thing too!

Forgiveness REQUIRES that a sin is acknowledged. Not necessarily the sinner, but certainly the victim. That was a huge stumbling block for me. How could I forgive a sin I wasn't allowed to acknowledge. How can anyone forgive something that "didn't really happen"?

Denial - can't go ANYWHERE with that in your trunk.

[Anna Marta]

Hope,

Wise words...

Love
Anna Marta

[Reg]

Abbey,

Anger is a good sign that you are on you way to recovery. Here is something I posted a couple of times on the old forum that may help others here to understand the steps to healing. I got this from David Covington, a minister in my former church that tried to help but was eventually fired.

Grief and Loss Steps to Healing

Kubler-Ross' Stages of Dying: 1. Denial, 2. Anger, 3. Bargaining, 4. Depression and 5. Acceptance. First, it is worth considering that giving up long-held beliefs is similar to losing a loved one. Many members are grieving. These are steps toward healing. They may not be felt or experienced in the exact order as above.

How we respond as a ministry is critical if we as a body are going to move on toward emotional and spiritual healing and truly repent to become a healthy Christian church.

Anger and Hurt Feelings

Our historical approach in the WCG toward anger has been, for the most part, that the person is in a bad attitude and should shut up. If members are not allowed to feel their frustration, hurt, and, yes, even anger, they will not
move on toward emotional and spiritual healing. Inevitably, their feelings will be suppressed down eventually resulting in bitterness. It is not healthy to circumvent the natural process of grief and loss.

God's grace comes through honesty. Suppressing our feelings of anger, hurt or frustration leads to bitterness. It is true that we should not sacrifice love in our honesty, but Christians often forsake honesty in the name of love. They suppress their feelings of anger and hurt.This is emotional suicide. A ministry of healing can lead people gently through the process.



Here is where we discussed this.......
http://www.christianrecovery.com/vb/showthread.php?t=5678&highlight=stages+grief&page=3

[Reg]

Hi again Abbey,

You may like to read the latest Newsletter from Refocus on Anger.

Featured Article: Coping with Anger
*By Janja Lalich and Madeleine Tobias


Excerpt from Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships by Janja Lalich and Madeleine Tobias, Bay Tree Publishers, 2006



The emergence of anger is one of the first signs of recovery. Anger is a normal reaction to the hurts and assaults you experienced. Anger is an appropriate response to abuse and exploitation. It is also the most difficult emotion for many of us to get in touch with and address. If you feel angry, it means you are now ready to acknowledge that you were victimized, which can be incredibly painful. What was done may have been hurtful, harmful, and even heinous—and you are entitled to your rage.



Just as fear is the backbone of cultic control, anger is the fuel of recovery. Anger is an extremely valuable tool in healing. It fortifies your sense of what is right by condemning the wrong that was done to you. It gives you the energy and will to get through the ordeal of getting your life back together. Suppression of anger while in the cult more than likely contributed to depression and a sense of helplessness. Now the reverse is possible.



Anger can be a double-edged sword, however. It can motivate healing or be turned inward, against the self. Some people find it easier to blame themselves than to use their anger in a positive way to make necessary life changes. Self-blame, or anger turned inward, can result in alcohol or drug abuse, physical illness, or emotional disorders, including depression or suicidal thoughts and behaviors. Also, anger can be wrongly directed at innocent others. If anger is expressed inappropriately or unconsciously, it can increase a person’s isolation. To be used effectively, anger must be focused on its source. In most cases, that source will be the cult leader and perhaps his top lieutenants or enforcers.



Many former cult members use poetry as one means of expressing their anger. Rebecca Bruce, a former member of a political cult that is still quite active, wrote the following poem. It speaks for itself.
Anger Risin’

I can feel the anger rising

I am healing now

So that I can fight

And am strong and whole again



One step at a time

I began to feel alive

Blowing cultic restraints wide open

Breathing newfound freedom



I can see clearly now

Deceived at the highest level

Betrayed by my very own comrades

It was all lies, lies, lies



Promises of being on the vanguard edge

Changing the world like no other

Committed to building a voice for the people

Lies, lies, lies



I gave you my all

You used and abused me

Now I take back my life

I leave you like dust in the wind



I move forward into the light

New opportunities abound all around me

I will fight all the way

I am in control of my destiny



I will fight to free those in your bonds

I will fight to keep others from your grasp

I will fight till you are gone

I will fight you to the end.



Rebecca now works as a clinical social worker in a primary care clinic. She speaks out about cults and works with people affected by cults. Her poem illustrates the kind of raw anger many former members feel. This anger is better expressed in such productive ways as this instead of being bottled up and turned into depression or suicidal tendencies.



Remember, your anger may be a struggle for family, friends, and, sometimes, even therapists to accept. You may be urged to forgive and forget. Former members who were brought up to hide or deny negative feelings may not have the tools or experience to know how to express this potentially healing emotion.



Former cult members “need to realize that what was done to them was wrong,” writes Michael Langone. “[They] must be allowed—encouraged even—to express appropriate moral outrage. The outrage will not magically eliminate the abuse and its effects. Nor will it necessarily bring the victimizer to justice. But it will enable victims to assert their inner worth and their sense of right and wrong by condemning the evil done to them. Moral outrage fortifies good against formidable evil. Even implicitly denying victims’ need to express moral outrage shifts the blame from victimizers to victims. Perhaps that is why so many victims are disturbed by ‘detached’ therapists or ‘objective’ scientific researchers. They interpret the detachment or ‘objectivity’ as implicit blaming [of] themselves.”9



People whose cult involvement was particularly traumatic share experiences and traits with people who were physically and/or sexually abused in childhood. Both have been victimized by those they depended on and trusted. Also, many cults physically, emotionally, and/or sexually abuse their members. Anger at such abuse can be expressed in positive ways and transformed into empowerment. The following activities have proven helpful to others:



* Keep a diary and write about your anger and other strong feelings. Former members have consistently said that writing about their experiences has been one of the most helpful vehicles for working through their feelings.
* Write a letter to the cult leader. Tell him off. It is not necessary to send it, specifically if doing so would put you in danger. You don’t have to mail the letter to feel the positive effects of having written it.
* Talk to someone about your feelings, someone who will understand and empathize.
* Join a gym, take a kickboxing class, or engage in some kind of regular physical activity or sport. Releasing endorphins helps to resolve pent-up emotions.
* Imagine scenarios in which your injured pride is restored. Don’t, however, act out by doing something illegal or dangerous to yourself or anyone else.
* When the time feels right, speak out publicly about your experience. Doing so has been therapeutic for many former cult members.
* Consider getting involved with an organization like the International Cultic Studies Association, where you might find ways to make a positive contribution to ongoing research and education efforts.
* When you feel better and have had some time away from the group, serve as a resource person for people or families seeking information about the group you were in.
* Get the law on your side. If your group is or was involved in illegal or criminal activity, consult a lawyer for your own protection before going to the police or other authorities.
* Consider a civil suit for damages. Again, seek legal advice about this first.
* Take an assertiveness training course.

The following story illustrates one former member’s struggle with anger:



Divorced and alone, Jill B. joined Pastor John T.’s church after the accidental death of her small daughter. At first, she felt comforted by the loving solicitousness of the group and its leader. In addition to full Sunday service, Jill spent three to four evenings a week attending Bible study and prayer meetings. This enabled her to avoid lonely evenings at home missing her daughter. Six months after she joined the church, Pastor John’s counseling turned affectionate toward Jill, then sexual. Though not particularly attracted to him, Jill found it difficult to say no to her pastor, and so passively (and confusedly) submitted to his sexual attentions. He told her he would leave his wife and children, which he never did, and forced Jill to engage in bizarre sexual rituals using religious language and icons. When Jill tried to end these sessions, the pastor invoked God’s name and implored Jill to stay.

As her shame and guilt about the relationship became untenable, Jill withdrew and finally left the church and Pastor John. With time and distance, she felt her anger mount. At odd times during the day, she would become preoccupied with hatred and rage toward her former spiritual leader. She found herself snapping at others. She was impatient and irritable over small mistakes. Through counseling, Jill learned some techniques for dealing with her anger. If she started to become preoccupied and angry while at work, she would take a moment to fantasize about telling off Pastor John and exposing his duplicitous behavior to everyone in the church. By giving herself permission to fantasize about her abusive pastor’s embarrassment and public humiliation, she could smile and get on with her day. It took time for the rage to turn to anger, then to irritation, and then to resentment. Finally, that too was all but gone.



While you were in the cult, or with your abusive partner, it may have been dangerous or forbidden to express anger or rage. You probably learned to turn your anger inward, to deny and suppress it. Now give yourself permission to feel this emotion. There are big differences between thinking, feeling, and acting out. Some former cult members are afraid that their rage is so powerful it will overwhelm them, which is why it is important to channel it constructively. When you do, you will start to feel relief, and you will be able to free yourself from domination.

[Kerrin]

I haven't read ALL the thread but yeah Anger IS normal and it was , for me, a difficult emotion to control! (especially for one who likes to be in control..:rolleyes:).
As Reg suggested, keeping a diary or journal has been really helpful in venting my anger, as was my stepping out and walking to our beach for 20m minutes and soaking in it's beauty...
The journals I don't read back on because it is too painful so one day I will ditch them!!!
A very good feeling to get the rage out though in non destructive way...
blessings and love
Kerrin;)

Another quote; "I saw that what I resisted persisted like a smalll child tugging at my skirt. Now I am curious and gentle when resistance comes tugging"

[Reg]

Here's a bit of an update on this one...


Anger and Hurt Feelings

The historical approach of the WCG toward anger has been, for the most part, that the person is in a bad attitude and should shut up. If people are not allowed to feel their frustration, hurt, and, yes, even anger, they will not move on toward emotional and spiritual healing. Inevitably, their feelings will be suppressed down eventually resulting in bitterness. It is not healthy to circumvent the natural process of grief and loss.

God's grace comes through honesty. Our Father did not sweep our sins under the rug, but sent his
Son to die for them. One therapist compares the emotional and spiritual hurt or guilt we possess
to a big ball of grief and pain a person has inside. To pick the ball up and handle it hurts because
there is metal and glass in it that cuts and tears. But the only way to take this ball of resentment
and place it in the grace of the cross is to do just that, to first pick it up and hold it and look at it,
to openly and honestly acknowledge it. Forgiveness cannot be attained any other way.

Suppressing our feelings of anger, hurt or frustration leads to bitterness. It is true that we should
not sacrifice love in our honesty, but Christians often forsake honesty in the name of love. They
suppress their feelings of anger and hurt. This is emotional suicide. Caring and concerned friends
and relatives can offer a ministry of healing that can lead people gently through the process. I
know there is a crying need for people who understand and can help others in this area.

Thankfully God has allowed me to share in the sufferings of Christ so that I can be a
compassionate counselor. The ministry I was involved with for two years was “Celebrate Recovery”. It was a place where this can be offered. It is a safe place where Transparency & Authenticity are paramount to the healing
process.

While I found it helpful for most areas of addiction, hurt, abuse and a lot of areas Christians struggle with, it didn't seem to address the specific areas of hurt that SA survivors struggle with. When I was in leadership there, I was triggered by the leader there. After I left that ministry and that leader left, I waited a few years when it seemed things were healthy again and went back.
In small group I talked a bit about SA but found that there was virtually no one that understood what it was like. There was only one person there that went through a similar experience that I felt comfortable talking to about it.

From that experience, it seems that to have a similar ministry for SA survivors it needs to be led by someone who has been through a similar experience. It's like a lot of things, unless you feel heard and understood, you will not experience the kind of healing that is necessary to move forward in your recovery.

P.S. That person who I felt comfortable talking to is now leading CR at our church. I wonder where this will lead to? Another piece of the puzzle.? Time will tell.

[Reg]

Here's a bit more on this one....

Yes, anger is a legitimate feeling. But remember, it is also one letter away from Danger.

That’s what I’ve told the small group I moderated on Anger when I was involved in CR at our
church. One of my major problems was dealing with anger. I identified it as a problem when I
started out in CR and began writing out my Testimony.

Anger is like a red light that goes off in our minds. I use it as a signal that something is not right.
Either with myself or with someone else. It’s not wrong to feel anger. Where the problem occurs
is what we do about it. Do we React or Respond? That often makes all the difference. I have
learned to ask myself the question when I feel it, “Why do I feel angry”? If it’s a carry-over from
something that has happened in my past, I try to dismiss it and not let my mind relive bad
memories that just get me upset. It’s over and hopefully I’ve learned and am the wiser for it. But,
often it happens when someone crosses my boundaries without permission. I have a couple of
choices then. Confront or not to confront? I have to try and perceive the person’s motives if
possible.

If I feel the need to tell them to back off, I try to gently and discreetly put them on notice they are
making me feel uncomfortable. Every situation is different. It all depends on the other person. I
don’t want to offend anyone and some people innocently cross my boundaries. If it annoys me
enough and they repeat it I have to tell them. If it is done on purpose, vindictively, LOOK OUT!

The battle cry goes out in my mind and I try to keep a cool head and count to 10 sort of thing. I
then can think more objectively and give a rational response. I may just have to say Sayonara and
journal it for a more effective response later.

So, it is something that we should be aware of and try not to stuff it but realize something
happened significantly enough that we need to deal with it or it will build and eventually hurt us.
It could lead to bitterness and that is not a place any of us want to go. :( That’s even more
difficult to deal with.
This is not text-book stuff. Just some of my thoughts on it based on my experience(s).