help for loneliness

[fender]

Hi folks. I'm hoping that I can find some help. I'm at a point in my life where I'm so fed up with "church" that I'm wondering if I'll ever go back. I've been a Christian for about 10 years.

While my relationship with the Lord has been amazing, my church experiences in these last 10 years have mostly been negative. It's like I just don't seem to fit in anywhere. My past life was full of crime, hard drugs and alcoholism and I think maybe that scares people or something.

I have tried every mainstream denominational church in the small town I live in, as well as some of the less organized ones and home churches. I am a musician and usually end up on the worship team, or being the worship leader, something I love and feel I am called to. Invariably, I end up venting my frustration against the "performance" thing, or lack of spirituality in worship, or some other common church issue, and up being abused and shunned. Even outside of the music ministry I can't seem to form deep, lasting relationships with Christian people.

I am so lonely. All of my christian "friends" have either totally shunned me, back-stabbed me to the point that I can't really call them friends any more, or they just don't seem interested in socializing or even visiting. It seems like the only thing they see me as being good for is leading worship.

In my past life I never had a problem with making new friends and keeping tight with them. I'm left in somewhat of a quandry now, all of my old friends will have nothing to do with me because I'm a "Jesus freak", and no one in the church seems to be interested in anything outside of the walls, even maintaining a friendship.

I think one of the reasons may be that because I am a successful Christian musician, they see me as some kind of super-spiritual guy or something. I struggle with the same issues as any other Christian, and sometimes I feel led to make it known from the stage that I am not infallable, that I'm not here to perform for you and make your spine all tingly, that I don't have all the answers. I'm just another saint struggling with life's issues. But people seem to think that because I'm a "leader" I'm supposed to lead a perfect life, and only hang out with super-Christians or something. I tend to lean towards the broken, humble and lost. I wish I knew what it is that I'm doing wrong.

At this point I am so frustrated with it all that I haven't even walked through the doors of a church for months. I haven't prayed an honest prayer (other than desperation) or cracked the Word for months and, other than working my 8-4:30 have pretty much turned into a recluse.

I covet your prayers and any advice, but please no cliches. I need something practical to spur me out of this depression. I know I probably have some personality issues that aren't compatible with the church scene (honesty and being outspoken perhaps?), and I'm willing to work on it, but I feel that I have a lot to offer in addition to leading people into that intimate place in worship.

My ultimate goal is to get out of this funk and right with God, back into the music scene and helping others, make some close friends and get on with life, but it all seems so hopeless right now. No one has shown any concern whatsoever for my well-being since I left. Not one call. I've been used and abused and left out of the Christian community like a bag of garbage for reasons unclear to me. This is a fairly small town and I'm well known in the church scene. It's disheartening.

Mike

[ex-shep]

Welcome aboard. Sorry to her of situation. You certainly did not deserve the shunning. Those are not true friends if they cannot accept you on face value. Rest assured there are people who will take the time to listen and offer their experience, strength and hope. We can all relate to some degree or another.

Some former group members find it helpful to leave scripture or evangelical literature alone. It is not turing your back on God but giving a chance for your mind to heal.

The funk you described was described in HIS Magazine, published by Inter Varsity Christian Fellowship, as a Death Valley Quiet Time. Interesting analogy. It is a time when a Christian can not get it together. My response to such moments is like dealing with insomnia. The more I fight the insomnia the less sleep I get. If quietly acknowledge the situation, I usually get the rest I need.

When I cannot get it together in my spiritual life or recovery, I just acknowledge that is where I am for now. It eventually comes.

Given my cult experiences [more can be found in my profile] it took me years before I could find a church home. For me it was with the wait. So I never regret the wait. The right church came at the right time.

Don't rush your desire to get it right. Just let it unfold one day at a time.

For now feel free to share what is on your heart and mind. Virtual coffee pot is always brewing. :)

[Jerry]

Dear Mike,,,
"A Prophet is not without honor except in his own house and in his own country".......Sometimes I think Christ pointed that comment directly at those of us who live in small towns ;) The town I live in has a population of about 500 year round residents.They all love to have me teach Bible classes,but other than that they want nothng to do with me because I don't give a rats ass about their doctrines that are warped by their twisted traditions so I am in the same boat as you.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,hey pass me the bait will ya???? :D
Love Jerry

[Janice]

Welcome to the forum Mike,
I am a recovering alcholoic/druggie myself as many others are here, so we understand where you are coming from
This is just my opinion (for what it's worth) but, as I was reading your post the same thing kept coming back to me.
Being a "leader" in worship or any other area is a wonderful thing but perhaps you need to just attend a church and worship without being a leader at the moment.
Your relationship with the Lord is way more important than leading anything right now, whether He has called you to do it or not.
Perhaps, this is His way of letting you know that He wants you to spend a little more time with Him, and get yourself straightened out with Him before persuing any leadership positions.
If He has truly called you to lead, then it will happen His way and not yours. ;)
Like I said, just my opinion for what it's worth.
Take what works and leave the rest! Love, Janice
.

[Florence]

Dear Mike,
I may be way off base here, and if so, just ignore what doesn't fit. Some random thoughts about your post:

1) I sense that perhaps it is when you are in a position of leadership that your relationship with the Lord is the most rewarding and challenging - and that is as it should be for those whom God has called to be leaders. It is in a position of leadership that many people turn more readily to the Lord - through prayer, scripture, worship, and meditation. Some leaders find that if they for some reason are not in a position of leadership - for whatever reason - their relationship with the Lord flounders. Perhaps it is in a position of leadership that you will find yourself being drawn back to a more vibrant and intimate relationship with God.

2) It is imperative that leaders be people of high character and integrity BUT, contrary to popular belief, that doesn't mean they need to be "perfect." Rather, they should be honest, transparent, humble, servant-hearted, etc. They should be the first ones (leaders) in pointing out that they are no better than anyone else, that they have struggles and that they can attest to the ongoing grace and mercy of Jesus - and what He offers to you, He offers to everyone.

3) Leadership is a lonely place. Many TRUE leaders don't really want to be leaders. They want a group (team) of people who are like-minded in their longing to grow spiritually, to reach out to lost, hurting, and broken people, to hold one another accountable, and to simply share life with. It is a very rare thing indeed for a leader to find that "team" - for a couple of reasons. One, get a group of like-minded folks together and they are probably all going to be "leaders" - and there is often conflict because everybody wants to be the engine of the train and nobody wants to be the box cars. Two, it takes followers to make a "leader" and followers usually need the leader to mentor them. That means followers may not have the same grasp of grace, the same compassion for the downtrodden, the same understanding or passion for worship, etc. They probably don't even realize that they need to listen to and respect and respond to the leader's "leadership" in these areas.

4) Perhaps the greatest challenge for a leader is patience. Accepting people right where they are and gently, yet without compromise, leading them in the direction they should go requires perseverance in the position where God places you. Most certainly you will find that He is using your leadership position to impact you far more than He is using you to impact others - that's one of the key reasons He makes you a leader in the first place - because it is in your position of leadership that He draws you closer to Himself.

5) A very personal opinion here: Pray that God will provide a place for you to use your gift of leadership and that you will use that opportunity to draw close to Him, and to learn to better lead others in love and grace.

These are just my own thoughts as I read your post. Take what works and leave the rest.

Florence

[ex-shep]

Dear Mike,
I may be way off base here, and if so, just ignore what doesn't fit. Some random thoughts about your post:

These are just my own thoughts as I read your post. Take what works and leave the rest.

Florence

Not bad at all. I got gave me some food for thought. One addendum comes to mind. These things take time. The minister at church in his sermon took a swipe at instant gratification and pointed out that things with God take time. Without that dynamic there is not a sense of wonder or expectation, even though there may not seem to be any at the time. One of my favorite responses which I still keep from my years in the shepherding/discipleship movement was "I wonder what the Lord is going to do with this". Hardly an act of resignation, but quietly stepping back and seeing what evolves.

Good post. Thanks for sharing

[fender]

Wow.. Thanks for the responses. Food for thought for sure.

In retrospect, and after some intensive reading on this forum I think I'm starting to understand where some of this is coming from. The first church that I attended where I met the Lord was very abusive and I've been in denial. Could it be that I've actually been subconsiously LOOKING for the triggers, and folding in on myself when I find them? Is this a common thing in the realisation/acceptance/healing process?

Learning to relax and let God lead me through this seems too easy LOL. I've read all kinds of stuff about the desert that Christians sometimes find themselves in but I think maybe I've been blind to the fact that maybe that's where I'm at. A time of "character building" perhaps?

Going back to church without leading worship could prove to be difficult for me but I think I might give it a try, when I feel I'm ready, and if I can find a church that will leave me alone for a while. I am well known and there is an expectation that when I am in a church I will naturally be playing music. I've tried to take time off before but there's constant pressure from the folks to get "back in the saddle". Saying "no" seems to lead people to speculate that there is something wrong and invariably the speculation/assumption/judgement thing rears it's ugly head again.

I've been thinking about staying reclusive and working on another CD, but that's hard to do and exhausting when you don't have loving brothers and sisters around to sharpen you and keep you humble.

I covet your prayers for guidance, and I'm still open to any advice. I'm also open to prophetic words if anyone feels led. Don't worry, I have discernment and if it's not meant for me I'll know :).

This is a great forum.

Mike

[Reg]

Wow.. Thanks for the responses. Food for thought for sure.

Going back to church without leading worship could prove to be difficult for me but I think I might give it a try, when I feel I'm ready, and if I can find a church that will leave me alone for a while. I am well known and there is an expectation that when I am in a church I will naturally be playing music. I've tried to take time off before but there's constant pressure from the folks to get "back in the saddle". Saying "no" seems to lead people to speculate that there is something wrong and invariably the speculation/assumption/judgement thing rears it's ugly head again.
Hi Mike,

Glad to have you aboard.

Have you read this book, "Boundaries"? It might give you the tools you need to say NO without feeling guilty. In the Christian context, saying NO can be one of the most difficult things to do.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0310247454/qid=1103578084/sr=2-1/ref=pd_ka_b_2_1/002-6102509-7850439

[Doug64]

Hi Mike, and welcome:

I'm inclined to avoid any leadership positions if we begin attending somewhere again. The idea of just sitting in the congregation without having to worry about special music, ushering, children's church or other 'duties' is very appealing. It would be hard to be anonymous in a small town - which we live in, but have already attended a couple of the churches briefly and would go somewhere else in the metro area for church.

Sometimes the best solution is the one that just seems too easy to be correct.

Doug