need help...

[susiegg]

I was in a long distance relationship for over one year , and cuz of my depression and other reasons concerning finanical, it is hard for it to work out it seems, so i say let's wait and back and see what the lord will lead, cuz i also need space , cuz he just keeps pressuring me starving for a lot chats or care each day which i can not offer for the time being, when i finally broke down, i did not speak to him for a week, and he met a girl he used to have interest and now telling me he starts to date her, and same time will keep friendship with me, cuz he cares for me , but he also needs to get married.and i have seen the girl's website on myspace, v hot looking girl, just broke with her ex for half a year, not sure if she is a deep christian.It is the girl keeps emailing him telling him that it is fantasy to stay with me etc, and finally they crossed the line.

I know he has the right to date anyone, but it just happened too fast and i m hurting now cuz he used to say a lot forever loving words and i believed that. Now i feel i even can not keep him as a friend i can trust now, i doubt .....but he sends other guys and women trying to tell me that he is dating another girl for my health being well etc, and hope me to be still his sister and friend, i used to support him in his job and etc, now he even asks me advices for how to talk and date with the girl. I stopped talking now....
but today another boy came to try to make me talk back to this former bf again, saying i must forgive, forgiveness is what i shall, i m v confused now.....i know as a christian i shall forgive, but how can i talk and in such a shock and i myself is depressed person, before i meeting this guy i was survived from another similar relationship, so now the trauma back, and i feel myself just so worthless and vunlable,

another reason he is dating this new girl, he says both me and him with some depression issues, he is not real serious, so he says he needs to find a happy girl, and i need to find a happy man, so that can work out a balance.

sorry, this is so boring and long.:(
i really do not have energy to talk to him and his friends anymore, but i do not know if it is correct as a christian. they blamed me that i myself did not give him a commitment, but how can I? I need to fix my self depression first, but i love him as a v trustful friend and so close, i m confused......

[Jerry]

Dear Susiegg,,,
Your boyfriend sending messages to you via emissary's is a sign of an immature mind.......People that are truly in love need not "Test" that love by dating other people...Sounds to me like this young man has not quite finished with childish things.....Tell him to give you a call when he grows up ;) I don't think forgiveness is required on either side here.....Just be thankful you didn't make a "Big Mistake" ;)
Love Jerry

[outcast]

I agree with Jerry here. You had every right to say you needed space and time to think about things. His dating someone else and communicating with you this way is a manipulation tactic. If he loved you as much as he claimed (from a romantic perspective), he would have been happy to wait things out and give you the time you needed. I know it may hurt to hear all this, but I think you will be much better off in the end because you did not get stuck with someone as immature as this guy. You deserve better.

Something else for you to consider is that if you are healing from a spiritually abusive relationship and you are suffering depression, you are using wisdom to not want to be in a relationship right now. Choosing to wait until you are more emotionally stable is a good way to make sure that you make a partner choice that will be more healthy as well. Dating out of hurt and loneliness is always a bad idea because you are not really showing your partner who you really are underneath all the pain. God will bring the right one when the time is right, if that is in His will for you. :)

[SpinningHead]

Sweetie, you are going through so much right now. Do you really need a "friend" like that in your life? I don't see from your post that he is bringing you any comfort, support, encouragement or a bit of happiness to your life. I think you made the right decision to cut him loose but think about making it a permanent break adding nothing to do with him. With friends like that who needs...well, you know.

You are making some serious personal steps into organizing your life and dealing with some very hurtful painful issues to boot. That's hard enough as it is w/out having some dead weight boyfriend tied to your ankle. And these "friends" who keep coming to you to tell you that you have to forgive and talk with this guy??? What log did they crawl out from under????

Strengthen your boundaries (meaning DON'T let these creepy crawlies bring you down with artificial "you're a Christian so you have to do X"), kick these idiots completely to the curb if needed but you are doing a very good job at getting some healthy perspective for your own life!! I applaud you because it's not easy to do and most people around you won't like that you're doing it (because you're shining a light on how very unhealthy they are!).

Bravo! Bravo!

[Anna Marta]

Susie,

I agree with the rest of the crew!

I have the sense that this fellow is bad news. From the little bit you shared, he sounds like a manipulator and abuser. (maybe a controller too?) You can't be sure about anything he has told you is actually the truth since this has been a long distance relationship and there is no way to check up. I don't know, but just because this girl he mentioned has a my space site and he has used her name doesn't necessarily mean he is really having a relationship with her does it? Could this be a way to hurt you? Watch for being punished by someone when you do something they do not like. It a HUGE WARNING SIGNAL. :eek:

As SH said, strengthen your boundaries! That is a very hard thing to do after having had weak or nearly no boundaries... This may be a learning situation for you to understand exactly when someone IS over stepping your boundaries. Good for you for checking with your forum friends.

Forgive him and DUMP him - is my advice.

Lots of hugs
Anna Marta

[susiegg]

Thank u ....
the lord makes me find peace and i feel closer to the lord now.

the guy and me both on another christain website doing online posting forums and blogs a lot, recenly he saw me had progress in spirit and he came back to email me again today,saying he is not really dating the new girl, and the girl even not showing real interest yet, he has strong codependany issue, i still care for him and pray for him cuz he has a physical health problem which makes his body shaking and sometimes anxiety a lot. But i will not back to him anymore, I m scared and lose trust , the trust is broken.

he is always a manipulation person,selfish , not positive, etc, i just always forgive him and i know it is wrong , i just hope God can move his heart.

I often worry he will have a miserable life, cuz he is actually a pity weak guy,am I worrying too much?

[Elisabeth]

Repeat after me - I don't owe this guy anything. ;)

He was using these stories that he was dating this girl to hurt you. Forgiveness does not mean you have to have any kind of relationship with him. If he does have a miserable life, it is not your fault, nor can you make it any less miserable for him. We can't "fix" each other. I've seen it before, people with kind hearts trying to help out others and the others don't really want their help, or don't know how to internalize it, and the kind person just ends up feeling guilty because they can't help the other out of their miserableness. You don't need that guilt, and you need to work on your own issues. Also, what he said about both of you needing "happy people" is a red flag; he's saying that it's the job of a person's significant other to lift a person out of depression. It's not.