Triggered???

[abbey]

My best friend attends a baptist church. i asked her to ask the pastors wife a question about me divorcing and perhaps finding another man to share my life with. Now this lady, who is aware that i was in a cult, wants to meet with me and attend her church. i dont feel comfortable with this. i asked for help from christians before and ended up in a cult. I dont want to change churches because i attend a big one and stay on he sidelines. I am not seeking freinds, I am seeking a comfortable slow pace of learning Gods true nature.

It amazes me how scared i get with the idea of attending a new church and being under her wings. Im so careful who i share with. You guys i feel comfortable with. Any old preachers wife i do not.

Shall i ignore her attempt to help me. I dont need to be beaten with a bible, or included in a tight womans fellowship. Im just not ready...

[ex-shep]

Gut level instincts are extremely reliable indicators. Sounds like she is more interested in getting a notch in her bible cover than lending a helping hand. I would say thanks, but no thanks. :eek:

[Voyager]

I can't stand the idea of church anymore. Way too many triggers for me. I don't know if it's really "triggers" so much as it is common sense. For the sake of my mental and emotional health, I have found it best to stay away from churches completely. They just seem like a big game to me anymore. You've got your power-hungry preacher who wants to control everyone's lives. Then you have your preacher's wives who get into everyone's business. Then there are your wanna-be preachers who are always trying to play the holier-than-thou game. I get nauseous just thinking about it.

:rolleyes:

[ninaspirit]

My best friend attends a baptist church. i asked her to ask the pastors wife a question about me divorcing and perhaps finding another man to share my life with. Now this lady, who is aware that i was in a cult, wants to meet with me and attend her church. i dont feel comfortable with this. i asked for help from christians before and ended up in a cult. I dont want to change churches because i attend a big one and stay on he sidelines. I am not seeking freinds, I am seeking a comfortable slow pace of learning Gods true nature.

It amazes me how scared i get with the idea of attending a new church and being under her wings. Im so careful who i share with. You guys i feel comfortable with. Any old preachers wife i do not.

Shall i ignore her attempt to help me. I dont need to be beaten with a bible, or included in a tight womans fellowship. Im just not ready...


Hi Abbey,,, she has not tried to gain your trust and is already saying what she wants you to do? this should not be about what she wants. we get a feeling she wants to 'fix' you. love ninas

[Janice]

[QUOTE=abbey;52840]My best friend attends a baptist church. i asked her to ask the pastors wife a question about me divorcing and perhaps finding another man to share my life with. Now this lady, who is aware that i was in a cult, wants to meet with me and attend her church. i dont feel comfortable with this. i asked for help from christians before and ended up in a cult. I dont want to change churches because i attend a big one and stay on he sidelines. I am not seeking freinds, I am seeking a comfortable slow pace of learning Gods true nature.

It amazes me how scared i get with the idea of attending a new church and being under her wings. Im so careful who i share with. You guys i feel comfortable with. Any old preachers wife i do not.

I would send the above post to my best friend and have her forward it to the preachers' wife. :)

[SpinningHead]

Ninaspirits thoughts are very insightful!!! This woman has not tried to gain your trust or meet you on your terms and already through third party she is laying out a course of what you should do.

Ex-shep's observations are also dead on...she sounds like she's more interested in getting her attendance number up than genuinely helping you.

My vote is with theirs....Take a pass!! thanks but no thanks!

[Anna Marta]

Hi,

"As usual" our Ninaspirit has gone to the heart of it! :cool:

A young woman, who along with her husband is a worship leader, commented yesterday that the last seven years she has been in churches life has been hell, But the last year since she left the same church as we did and has not attended a church, life and her relationship with God and others who want to grow in faith has been so wonderful.

She has finally gotten over the "need" to defend being a church member and enjoying being in "what as Lutherans, we used to call the church universal or Body of Christ outside the building or membership organ.

Abbey, frankly asking a Baptist pastor's wife about divorce and remarriage, as I understand Baptist doctrine, would probably not bring you the answer you are may be hoping for anyway. IMHO, legalistic denominations and churches simply will not recognize divorce or remarriages because they look at the issue with the same eyes a pharisee looks at THE LAW.

I got the H*** out of a (indescribable) marriage and found a soul mate that God had already created "just for me" who He had waiting in the wings. So often we say how if it weren't for all the bad experiences we both had in our lives we would never have found each other. So just because life is bad now does not mean that it always will be. :cool:

Hugs
Anna Marta

[abbey]

Thx for responding! LOL...yep, sounds like she wants to fix me! LOL...

what distured me the most was 2 years ago i would have welcomed such an offer. a godly sister to give advice and prayer, but the cult RUINED that for me. i trust as far as i can throw. I got sorta scared, actually terrified of giving myself over to her. I was so horribly abused. once bitten twice shy.

Ive decided NO THX!

[ex-shep]

I can't stand the idea of church anymore. Way too many triggers for me. I don't know if it's really "triggers" so much as it is common sense. For the sake of my mental and emotional health, I have found it best to stay away from churches completely. They just seem like a big game to me anymore. You've got your power-hungry preacher who wants to control everyone's lives. Then you have your preacher's wives who get into everyone's business. Then there are your wanna-be preachers who are always trying to play the holier-than-thou game. I get nauseous just thinking about it.

:rolleyes:

I am ok with it today. Up to a few years ago, I would be in 100 percent agreement with you. I developed an understandable allergy to church after what I went through. I can relate to the nausea. :(

[Voyager]

A young woman, who along with her husband is a worship leader, commented yesterday that the last seven years she has been in churches life has been hell, But the last year since she left the same church as we did and has not attended a church, life and her relationship with God and others who want to grow in faith has been so wonderful.

I think that says it all. My experience has been exactly the same. Who needs something that only causes problems for people? If you would survey the people on this forum, I can almost guarantee the majority of them would report that their lives have been wrecked due to attending church. My thought is that if we continue to subject ourselves to something that only causes us problems, we will always have the same problems. Why look to the source of our problem as the answer? What makes us think that attending church will solve the problems that church caused for us to begin with?

Personally, I didn't find any healing or recovery from spiritual abuse until I decided to stop trying to find a church. As long as I felt guilty about not going to church, I kept trying to find one - and I ran into trigger after trigger when I would try to attend one. The wounds just kept getting ripped open again and again. Then one day I realized that I was trying to force myself to follow a tradition that says you must go to church to be approved by God. That is such a trap! Nothing could be further than the truth. Jesus never went to a church, so why should I? Sure, someone in the Bible said you should "not forsake the assembling of yourselves together", but the same Bible also said that women should not be allowed to speak in church. Anyway, we are assembling here so that covers it.

:confused:

[ex-shep]

I think that says it all. My experience has been exactly the same. Who needs something that only causes problems for people? If you would survey the people on this forum, I can almost guarantee the majority of them would report that their lives have been wrecked due to attending church. My thought is that if we continue to subject ourselves to something that only causes us problems, why look to the source of the problem as the answer? What makes us think that attending church will solve the problems that church caused for us to begin with?

Personally, I didn't find any healing or recovery from spiritual abuse until I decided to stop trying to find a church. As long as I felt guilty about not going to church, I kept trying to find one - and I ran into trigger after trigger when I would try to attend one. The wounds just kept getting ripped open again and again. Then one day I realized that I was trying to force myself to follow a tradition that says you must go to church to be approved by God. That is such a trap! Nothing could be further than the truth. Jesus never went to a church, so why should I? Sure, someone in the Bible said you should "not forsake the assmbling of yourselves together", but the same Bible also said that women should not be allowed to speak in church. Anyway, we are assembling here so that covers it.

:confused:

I have to agree with you. The damage done by the groups was so bad that I had a distrust of even healthy churches which I could reccomend in a heartbeat. How I am comfortable in church and evangelical setting is a miracle to me. I have no intention of sounding holier than thou, I never thought I could set foot inside a church again.

I understand the once burned twice shy all too well. Many forum members need time away from church. Others have had it. A christian cult ministry in 1985 learned that the hard way. They took the angle of get back to church and in the word and you will be fine. Fortunately there enough social workers attending who immediately picked up on the floating and disassociation. They definitely gave up on that tack.

Good points. Next latte on me.

[Elisabeth]

I understand the once burned twice shy all too well. Many forum members need time away from church. Others have had it. A christian cult ministry in 1985 learned that the hard way. They took the angle of get back to church and in the word and you will be fine. Fortunately there enough social workers attending who immediately picked up on the floating and disassociation. They definitely gave up on that tack.


It is kind of wierd the way that some think that the best way for victims of SA to get better is by going to a healthy church. I mean, often when women have been victimized by their spouses most people with an ounce of knowledge don't try to push the women into another relationship with a man right away! But SA is "different" I guess. :(

[Voyager]

It is kind of wierd the way that some think that the best way for victims of SA to get better is by going to a healthy church.

It baffles me whenever I hear that. A good analogy would be to tell a woman who has suffered domestic abuse that the only way she can recover is to get in a relationship with a non-abusive man. I don't think that should be a requirement. If the person never wants to have a boyfriend or husband again, that should not stop them from being able to recover. Or maybe a better analogy would be a woman who was abused by a police officer. If she never wants to date a cop again, that should not be held over her head as a requirement for her healing.

:cool:

[Anna Marta]

Personally, I didn't find any healing or recovery from spiritual abuse until I decided to stop trying to find a church. As long as I felt guilty about not going to church, I kept trying to find one - and I ran into trigger after trigger when I would try to attend one. The wounds just kept getting ripped open again and again. Then one day I realized that I was trying to force myself to follow a tradition that says you must go to church to be approved by God. That is such a trap! Nothing could be further than the truth. Jesus never went to a church, so why should I? Sure, someone in the Bible said you should "not forsake the assembling of yourselves together", but the same Bible also said that women should not be allowed to speak in church. Anyway, we are assembling here so that covers it.:confused:

Wow! This kind of describes my last 2 years!

Sure, someone in the Bible said you should "not forsake the assembling of yourselves together"

But it doesn't say CHURCH, does it? And assembling ourselves together leaves us a wide range of creative ways to do that, right?

The "women speaking in church" was dispelled so many times by good theologians that I no longer see that as a problem for myself.

Anna Marta

[ex-shep]

It is kind of wierd the way that some think that the best way for victims of SA to get better is by going to a healthy church. I mean, often when women have been victimized by their spouses most people with an ounce of knowledge don't try to push the women into another relationship with a man right away! But SA is "different" I guess. :(

At least this ministry "got religion". Asking a spiritually abused person to go back to church is like giving a incest victim a subscription to an inappropriate publication. It is cyanide. Evangelicals do not know how bad it is. If somebody tries that routine, I say read boks on spiritual abuse, and then we can talk. That shuts up every time.

[ex-shep]

It baffles me whenever I hear that. A good analogy would be to tell a woman who has suffered domestic abuse that the only way she can recover is to get in a relationship with a non-abusive man. I don't think that should be a requirement. If the person never wants to have a boyfriend or husband again, that should not stop them from being able to recover. Or maybe a better analogy would be a woman who was abused by a police officer. If she never wants to date a cop again, that should not be held over her head as a requirement for her healing.

:cool:

I must remember that analogy. That is good.

[Jerry]

Dear Abbey,,,,
You are a kind sweet spirit ,,,,,,,,It is "They" who need YOUR help ;)
Love Jerry

[abbey]

Dear Abbey,,,,
You are a kind sweet spirit ,,,,,,,,It is "They" who need YOUR help ;)
Love Jerry

Aww, I like you too jer! Your an awesome guy! I love your posts!

As i said what freaked me out the most was how scared i was. The SA was so bad that im scared of even a well meaning person. God forbid, someone takes me under their wing to give me their version of the Gospels! YUCK!

[ex-shep]

It is kind of wierd the way that some think that the best way for victims of SA to get better is by going to a healthy church. I mean, often when women have been victimized by their spouses most people with an ounce of knowledge don't try to push the women into another relationship with a man right away! But SA is "different" I guess. :(

There is something that can be said for finding a healthy church. In our case, many of us need the time for the old tapes to be erased. It is possible. I am in a healthy church. I could also see where the level of commitment at the satelite church would have many a forum member wanting to jump throught the stain glass windows. :eek:

[Willow]

There is something that can be said for finding a healthy church. In our case, many of us need the time for the old tapes to be erased. It is possible. I am in a healthy church. I could also see where the level of commitment at the satelite church would have many a forum member wanting to jump throught the stain glass windows. :eek:

I wish I could get up the nerve to go to the unitarian universalist church. This morning the topic of the sermon was holy listening. It sounded so much like what I am trying to learn to do... be fully present when someone is sharing with me instead of carrying the conversation to my thoughts and needs. I emailed the pastor for audio of her sermon. Still... the fear is larger than the desire to go. Plus... I've been indoctrinated agains the UU denom. I may have to just look and ponder for awhile more. I did talk to the pastor and she was a jewel!

[ex-shep]

I wish I could get up the nerve to go to the unitarian universalist church. This morning the topic of the sermon was holy listening. It sounded so much like what I am trying to learn to do... be fully present when someone is sharing with me instead of carrying the conversation to my thoughts and needs. I emailed the pastor for audio of her sermon. Still... the fear is larger than the desire to go. Plus... I've been indoctrinated agains the UU denom. I may have to just look and ponder for awhile more. I did talk to the pastor and she was a jewel!


I guess I have become too conservative in my old age. I love Quaker meetings, but the political agenda was a bit much for me. I grew up in the Unitarian church. I can easily understand why that is safe for many former members.

[Willow]

I guess I have become too conservative in my old age. I love Quaker meetings, but the political agenda was a bit much for me. I grew up in the Unitarian church. I can easily understand why that is safe for many former members.

Interesting that the book entitled by the same name was by a Quaker!