ex-shep
12-13-2004, 11:12 AM
Decided to dig back in the archives. It is long. Take what you like and leave the rest.
FINDING SERENITY IN CHAOS
STEP 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
.
As the initial shock wore off, we were faced with the insanity of our past experiences, new emotional issues demanding our attention for the first time, and the jarring adjustment in our post-group experiences. The thought there was a power that could bring us out of despair and provide even a modicum of wholeness sounded like learning Russian. The concept was frighteningly foreign to many. Many of us had our belief systems smashed overnight. The abuse for many was enough to distrust anything sounding remotely religious. "Oh, no! I am not going to go through ‘that' again. No way!" We wholeheartedly understood and did not press the issue. It was important that our groups be emotionally safe places of refuge where we could be honest and get the tools to recover. We avoided advice giving and quoting religious or philosophical literature in our meeting – or kept it to a reasonable minimum, lest we trigger a vulnerable member of the fellowship. Some could separate the "wheat from the chaff" and separate the dysfunctional teachings and replace it with a more accurate and nurturing interpretations. Others would have to start afresh. Our friends in Alcoholics Anonymous urged us on to "fake it till we make it". We grabbed on to whatever little shred of faith we possessed and believed that we would get better and grabbed on until we did.
We did not have a dispute with the insanity while in our former groups and after our exit. Everyday there were issues from our past and present, which were insane, and we did our best to understand them. A social worker told one member how to "get a handle" on his emotional issues. The member was told take a piece of paper and draw three columns. The first column was entitled "What is bothering me?" the second, "Why is it bothering me?" and finally "What can I do about it?" When overwhelmed, the member would list away everything from the most major to the least trivial. If was bothersome, it was noted. Sometime he would get an instant insight and that was all he needed. Other times he would just have to be content that he did not have an answer today. It helped him prioritize what issues he could work on, which ones could wait, and which one's were too insignificant to offer the time of day. As we looked back over the years and heard the stories of others in their groups, we saw the insanity that kept us going and kept us in. We abdicated all components of self. We gave up our finances, possessions, and judgment all to the greater good of the group. We were loaded with activities. Every night we had an activity, which required our attendance. Some of us endured round the clock rituals from before the rooster crowed to long after the sun went down. Some of us had our jobs and then the demands of the group demanding attention. We kept going even though exhaustion and hunger would overtake us. Some were impressed with the message that if we stopped, we would be out of the will of God, the cosmos or some higher good. Many were told their lives before the group was irrelevant. Many were told to forsake family, jobs, and even health. There was a notion for many of us if we took anytime for self, we would fail our leader and our god. We gave up our personal pursuits, hobbies, and sometimes our lives.
We developed a distrust of anything outside our group. There was an "us versus them" mind set. Those critical and those who would not submit were dismissed as "not with the program" "not in the sphere" "out of our cosmos" "in the world" "satanic" or "secular humanists". Maybe these were not the terms our former group used, but were taught to distrust anyone or anything outside of our group. We were told to work harder. "You are not working hard enough." "Profits are down. We must meet our goals:" "You are not praying or chanting or meditating enough". Some were afraid to examine any reasonable opposing views for fear that some evil force would swallow us whole.
There were many who felt that the will of the group was supreme even over the law of the land. We were going to reign supreme, we believed. We were canonized if arrested. We were being ‘persecuted for righteousness' sake. We were beaten up threatened with restraining orders and other legal action. Some became jailed or imprisoned. We believed that we had the answer, the world did not; whatever it took to do the will of the group was important over all. As one former member put it, "If you hurt someone, that is okay because you are doing God's will!"
Eventually the insanity became too insane and we left. Whether we left voluntarily or involuntarily by way of an intervention of excommunication, we were not going to stay in the insanity. It was too much for us. We had it and here we are trying to make sense of it. We learned about mind control and the concept of psychological totalism pioneered by Robert Jay Lifton. We learned how groups controlled our environment. We came to understand mystical manipulation where our former groups set up addictive cathartic religious and mystical experiences that wanted us to hunger and come back for more. We learned about loaded language where certain terms, writings, slogans and scripture could keep us in, many times, shameful and humiliated humble submission. We sought an understanding of the demand for purity and the "us versus them mentality". The "cult of confession" where there were no boundaries any every secret was known about us was sobering. "Sacred science" gave us an understanding of the morals and traditions, which kept us in check. The concept of "doctrine over person" helped us understand how the leadership taught it was wrong to question. Lastly we saw how "dispensing of existence" how our group was it and the others did not have the truth and how the enemies were to be dismissed or done away. Not all of the conditions applied to us. It did help us gain an understanding of where we were, how our groups operated, and gave us the tools to insure we would not be in a similar destructive group again.
A major source of powerlessness for the newly exited former member was an overwhelming sense of shame. We were ashamed at ourselves for getting involved. We were ashamed of those we brought into our groups and then turned against us when we left. We were ashamed how we abused our friends, family, and ourselves. "How could I be so stupid to get involved?" Those who did not understand our situation, "How could somebody so bright get into a dumb group like that? You must have been weak?" The reality was, is, and, sadly, always will be IT IS NOT OUR FAULT. We did not see it coming. Some maybe predisposed to abusive groups. We would learn how that was as time went on. Most of us were in the wrong place at the wrong time. We were dazzled by the groups' message. We warmed by the fellowship. They were such nice people. We were not told the whole truth of what would be expected of us. A woman who was involved in a door to door business scam looked back in a talk on her story, "They do not come up to you a say, ‘Hi, I'm a cult. I'm going to control you". One member was ashamed of how he chased a girl on campus to recruit her into his group. After he was exited, he was filled with shame until another member pointed out that he did not know about mind control and abusive churches at the time. He was acting only with the information he had at the time. It was a weight off his shoulders.
There were the old tapes of our group playing in our heads without ceasing. We were hearing old messages, slogans, and choruses like an obsessive tape loop and stuck record. Our difficulties in establishing a new set of beliefs and way to live were, in the early days of recovery, seemingly insurmountable. We often times had doubts whether we did the right thing in leaving. The old siren song was enticing us back into the fold. Members in our former group would run into us saying they had changed and we were missed. We discussed the doubts, fears and encounters with former members to other members and our counselors. Eventually we realized the old tapes were recorded on scratchy 78RPM record with little audible value.
We also had to learn to protect ourselves when former group members threatened to attack us emotionally or physically. We had "fire drills" and we armed ourselves to handle encounters with members on the street. Some we could agree to disagree. Others were unsafe and we had to do everything possible to place a barrier between the abuser and us. We got post office boxes. We obtained unlisted phone numbers and annoyance avoidance features. We obtained restraining orders. Some of us even relocated to another city to break free of the abuse. We were advised to do everything to make us safe. We became determined to be treated with dignity and respect.
The threats of what would happen to us if we left the group became irrelevant. Those were their beliefs and we did not have to own them. One member had the mantra, "I am not my group involvement. Those are beliefs of the past. They are no longer part of my existence. It is history. It is over." It was an abrupt saying, but it kept him emotionally sober and helped him detach from his former group experiences. With time away from the group we were cultivating new boundaries, values, and beliefs, which made any messages from our former group as trustworthy as an unscrupulous used car salesman.
[Continued in Part 2]
FINDING SERENITY IN CHAOS
STEP 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
.
As the initial shock wore off, we were faced with the insanity of our past experiences, new emotional issues demanding our attention for the first time, and the jarring adjustment in our post-group experiences. The thought there was a power that could bring us out of despair and provide even a modicum of wholeness sounded like learning Russian. The concept was frighteningly foreign to many. Many of us had our belief systems smashed overnight. The abuse for many was enough to distrust anything sounding remotely religious. "Oh, no! I am not going to go through ‘that' again. No way!" We wholeheartedly understood and did not press the issue. It was important that our groups be emotionally safe places of refuge where we could be honest and get the tools to recover. We avoided advice giving and quoting religious or philosophical literature in our meeting – or kept it to a reasonable minimum, lest we trigger a vulnerable member of the fellowship. Some could separate the "wheat from the chaff" and separate the dysfunctional teachings and replace it with a more accurate and nurturing interpretations. Others would have to start afresh. Our friends in Alcoholics Anonymous urged us on to "fake it till we make it". We grabbed on to whatever little shred of faith we possessed and believed that we would get better and grabbed on until we did.
We did not have a dispute with the insanity while in our former groups and after our exit. Everyday there were issues from our past and present, which were insane, and we did our best to understand them. A social worker told one member how to "get a handle" on his emotional issues. The member was told take a piece of paper and draw three columns. The first column was entitled "What is bothering me?" the second, "Why is it bothering me?" and finally "What can I do about it?" When overwhelmed, the member would list away everything from the most major to the least trivial. If was bothersome, it was noted. Sometime he would get an instant insight and that was all he needed. Other times he would just have to be content that he did not have an answer today. It helped him prioritize what issues he could work on, which ones could wait, and which one's were too insignificant to offer the time of day. As we looked back over the years and heard the stories of others in their groups, we saw the insanity that kept us going and kept us in. We abdicated all components of self. We gave up our finances, possessions, and judgment all to the greater good of the group. We were loaded with activities. Every night we had an activity, which required our attendance. Some of us endured round the clock rituals from before the rooster crowed to long after the sun went down. Some of us had our jobs and then the demands of the group demanding attention. We kept going even though exhaustion and hunger would overtake us. Some were impressed with the message that if we stopped, we would be out of the will of God, the cosmos or some higher good. Many were told their lives before the group was irrelevant. Many were told to forsake family, jobs, and even health. There was a notion for many of us if we took anytime for self, we would fail our leader and our god. We gave up our personal pursuits, hobbies, and sometimes our lives.
We developed a distrust of anything outside our group. There was an "us versus them" mind set. Those critical and those who would not submit were dismissed as "not with the program" "not in the sphere" "out of our cosmos" "in the world" "satanic" or "secular humanists". Maybe these were not the terms our former group used, but were taught to distrust anyone or anything outside of our group. We were told to work harder. "You are not working hard enough." "Profits are down. We must meet our goals:" "You are not praying or chanting or meditating enough". Some were afraid to examine any reasonable opposing views for fear that some evil force would swallow us whole.
There were many who felt that the will of the group was supreme even over the law of the land. We were going to reign supreme, we believed. We were canonized if arrested. We were being ‘persecuted for righteousness' sake. We were beaten up threatened with restraining orders and other legal action. Some became jailed or imprisoned. We believed that we had the answer, the world did not; whatever it took to do the will of the group was important over all. As one former member put it, "If you hurt someone, that is okay because you are doing God's will!"
Eventually the insanity became too insane and we left. Whether we left voluntarily or involuntarily by way of an intervention of excommunication, we were not going to stay in the insanity. It was too much for us. We had it and here we are trying to make sense of it. We learned about mind control and the concept of psychological totalism pioneered by Robert Jay Lifton. We learned how groups controlled our environment. We came to understand mystical manipulation where our former groups set up addictive cathartic religious and mystical experiences that wanted us to hunger and come back for more. We learned about loaded language where certain terms, writings, slogans and scripture could keep us in, many times, shameful and humiliated humble submission. We sought an understanding of the demand for purity and the "us versus them mentality". The "cult of confession" where there were no boundaries any every secret was known about us was sobering. "Sacred science" gave us an understanding of the morals and traditions, which kept us in check. The concept of "doctrine over person" helped us understand how the leadership taught it was wrong to question. Lastly we saw how "dispensing of existence" how our group was it and the others did not have the truth and how the enemies were to be dismissed or done away. Not all of the conditions applied to us. It did help us gain an understanding of where we were, how our groups operated, and gave us the tools to insure we would not be in a similar destructive group again.
A major source of powerlessness for the newly exited former member was an overwhelming sense of shame. We were ashamed at ourselves for getting involved. We were ashamed of those we brought into our groups and then turned against us when we left. We were ashamed how we abused our friends, family, and ourselves. "How could I be so stupid to get involved?" Those who did not understand our situation, "How could somebody so bright get into a dumb group like that? You must have been weak?" The reality was, is, and, sadly, always will be IT IS NOT OUR FAULT. We did not see it coming. Some maybe predisposed to abusive groups. We would learn how that was as time went on. Most of us were in the wrong place at the wrong time. We were dazzled by the groups' message. We warmed by the fellowship. They were such nice people. We were not told the whole truth of what would be expected of us. A woman who was involved in a door to door business scam looked back in a talk on her story, "They do not come up to you a say, ‘Hi, I'm a cult. I'm going to control you". One member was ashamed of how he chased a girl on campus to recruit her into his group. After he was exited, he was filled with shame until another member pointed out that he did not know about mind control and abusive churches at the time. He was acting only with the information he had at the time. It was a weight off his shoulders.
There were the old tapes of our group playing in our heads without ceasing. We were hearing old messages, slogans, and choruses like an obsessive tape loop and stuck record. Our difficulties in establishing a new set of beliefs and way to live were, in the early days of recovery, seemingly insurmountable. We often times had doubts whether we did the right thing in leaving. The old siren song was enticing us back into the fold. Members in our former group would run into us saying they had changed and we were missed. We discussed the doubts, fears and encounters with former members to other members and our counselors. Eventually we realized the old tapes were recorded on scratchy 78RPM record with little audible value.
We also had to learn to protect ourselves when former group members threatened to attack us emotionally or physically. We had "fire drills" and we armed ourselves to handle encounters with members on the street. Some we could agree to disagree. Others were unsafe and we had to do everything possible to place a barrier between the abuser and us. We got post office boxes. We obtained unlisted phone numbers and annoyance avoidance features. We obtained restraining orders. Some of us even relocated to another city to break free of the abuse. We were advised to do everything to make us safe. We became determined to be treated with dignity and respect.
The threats of what would happen to us if we left the group became irrelevant. Those were their beliefs and we did not have to own them. One member had the mantra, "I am not my group involvement. Those are beliefs of the past. They are no longer part of my existence. It is history. It is over." It was an abrupt saying, but it kept him emotionally sober and helped him detach from his former group experiences. With time away from the group we were cultivating new boundaries, values, and beliefs, which made any messages from our former group as trustworthy as an unscrupulous used car salesman.
[Continued in Part 2]