I want to go back. =(

[Lamisa]

I know... its only been 4 and a half months since we left... and I know its stupid...

but... I have been so depressed... and have so much anxiety... day after day after day....

They are the only ones that I know who can help me.

Honestly... the only thing keeping me from going back is my husband. I know that he wouldn't go back... and I'm not going anywhere without him.

I just want to know Jesus again like I did before I went there.

Before I was saved I was plagued by HORRIBLE anxiety attacks... I was terrified of death... and when I got saved... the anxiety was gone overall... and I was saved 3 years before I joined this church... but as soon as I left the church... these anxiety attacks overtook me like a tidal wave.

I go to work day in and day out and ward off the attacks the best I can while I keep busy.. but evenings and weekends get the best of me...

I hate being so scared... and I hate being so sad... and I am married to the most wonderful man in the world... and I know that it hurts him SO much to see me hurting like this... I just want to enjoy life... and not be afraid!

I don't know what to do.

:confused::(

[ex-shep]

I know... its only been 4 and a half months since we left... and I know its stupid...

but... I have been so depressed... and have so much anxiety... day after day after day....

They are the only ones that I know who can help me.

Honestly... the only thing keeping me from going back is my husband. I know that he wouldn't go back... and I'm not going anywhere without him.

I just want to know Jesus again like I did before I went there.

Before I was saved I was plagued by HORRIBLE anxiety attacks... I was terrified of death... and when I got saved... the anxiety was gone overall... and I was saved 3 years before I joined this church... but as soon as I left the church... these anxiety attacks overtook me like a tidal wave.

I go to work day in and day out and ward off the attacks the best I can while I keep busy.. but evenings and weekends get the best of me...

I hate being so scared... and I hate being so sad... and I am married to the most wonderful man in the world... and I know that it hurts him SO much to see me hurting like this... I just want to enjoy life... and not be afraid!

I don't know what to do.

:confused::(

What you are describing is a normal, but excruciating part, of the exit process. There is period where the mind is purging out the past of the group. Sex and love addicts along with the chemically dependent have these flashbacks as part of the recovery process. A pyschologist, specializing in addiction treatment, describes it as a cleansing process. The process does subside. I went through it for about six months. Each person is going to be different. The intensity depends on how long you were in your group and how severe the abuse in the group.

Leaving one's group does feel like a brave new world. I have a friend who may be facing the same reality. The old group is familiar, but hardly healthy. The siren song does loose its intensity with time. I like to say it goes from surround sound to a beat up scratchy record or as audible as some distant AM station at night fading in and out. It is not worth the lesson. Even though it may not feel like it, this too shall pass. Take it one day at a time and the siren songs will find itself in the cutout of some used record shop.

Hope that helps.

[Jerry]

Dear Lamisa,,,,
Going back never works....Don't invite the unclean abuse back into your life ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Matt 12 vs 43-45 ;)
Love Jerry

[Anna Marta]

Dear Lamisa,

It is a lonely and scary time for you. This journey can be so painful and lonely. I remember feeling like I had lost the most important part of my life - all my friends and support system were simply GONE!

I hurt and felt like I was suddenly in a vacuum where nobody cared and there was no place to turn.

Hang in there Lamisa. It will be worth it in the end. There are safe places to worship where you can find real friends who will love and support you without trying to control you.

We do understand.
Love
Anna Marta

[Doug64]

Hi:

When my wife and I left our former group in 1999, I described it as a ship at sea without a rudder.

The church was a big part of our lives and suddenly that part was gone.
It didn't last for more than a couple of weeks though, probably because we were not personally abused but observed it and in some cases knew the victims.

As was said by others, it will get better. Hang in there.

Doug64

[mary]

Dear Lamisa,

I know exactly what you're going through... (But I was thrown out of my old church, so I didn't have the option of going back.)

When we were still at the old church, I was being absolutely plagued with panic attacks. There was a "thing" going on between "pastor" and me, a "thing" that he kept forcing on me. I would look at him in that pulpit and I would have maybe 4-5 panic attacks during just one sermon... :eek: :eek: :eek: The thought of his trash-talking me immediately after stepping down from that pulpit would send me into another panic attack before the "fellowship" luncheons would even start.

It got to the point where I would have to pop a dissolving Xanax into my mouth when we'd get within 3 miles of the church, just so I could walk into the place and confront "pastor," for I never knew what kind of contact he'd be forcing on me in front of people as soon as I'd step into the place. Creep. :mad:

I figured out that the indwelling Spirit of the Lord Jesus Christ in me was reacting against the evil that abounded in that church. The Lord was not going to let me be free of panic attacks as long as I stayed in that place where He didn't want me to be. He engineered things so that "pastor" threw me out. "Pastor" meant it for evil, but God meant it for good.

Please, Lamisa, don't go back!!!! The Lord in His graciousness and lovingkindness has taken you away from there. He has removed you from a place where you were being hurt and has elevated you to His table, not to the table of vipers who just look like people. Don't seek out vipers, swine, whatever.

God gave you that wonderful husband who has the gift of discernment - please, listen to him!

Let go and let God be God - your God. He will never disappoint you!

Love,

mary

[Pat-Yvette]

PANIC ATTACK, very interesting, because since I start to have contact with the women ministries I esperience that, I never understood, only happen when my life goes around these ministries. The fear of failure, the fear to the unknown, the fear to feel lonely, I jus have a panic a few days ago, when I just was thinkink to leave these gruop, is horrible, I just want to run, what it help me is: I pray, sometimes very loud in tongues, that help me a lot, because I know the battle is espiritually, but your letter make me think, I DONT THINK THAT THE LORD, OUR LORD IS IN THE MIDDLE OF THESE, I DONT THINK HE WANTS THAT KIND OF SUFFERING FOR US, WHAT KIND OF GOD IT IS? I DON BELEIVIED, Jesus said, I come to you to give live, what we experimet en panic attacks is dead, lest fight these fight of faith, I dont know what I am prayin when I pray in tongues, but the only thing that I can tell you guys is that God is fighting for me, but at the same time, lets take care our heart, God does his part, but we have to do our too, panic attaks come when we fear something, is okey dear friends to move, or quite, everybody can have the same experience in differents ways or thier lifes. Just think one more thing, Is these panic attacks are from God?, nooooooooooooooooooooooooo, so , dont recieve it, fight it, blees your heart

[mary]

You're right (and welcome, Pat-Yvette! - forgive my failing to welcome you earlier! :) ). God is bigger than our panic attacks.

I think sometimes He allows them as a warning to us because He loves us. He wants us to leave situations that He knows are going to hurt us, and He won't literally yell at us - so He allows us to experience fear. But really, we need not fear people, the Bible tells us - only Him, but even that is "reverence" rather than fear. We need not "fear" our loving Father after we are saved, for He means only to love us and to have us walk in His ways.

mary

[Lamisa]

Thank you guys so much for your encouragement!!
It is so helpful to be able to express how I feel on here and get some feedback, i share with my husband, but I feel like it puts a huge amount of pressure on him, he so badly wants me to be happy and have healing... and when i continually talk about wanting to go back... he begins to get to the point of being like... "if thats really what its going to take for you I will do it", so I try to not press the point to much, but it puts a lot of strain on our very new marriage.

Since leaving I have struggled so much with anxiety and depression... I finally (after four months) have scheduled an appointment with a counselor through my EAP at work. It was an amazing blessing from the Lord because you are not able to choose if they are a christian counselor.. only if they are male or female, and it is very important to me that they be coming from a christian foundation at least, so they gave me a list of three names, I randomly chose one and then came to find out that she is listed under the American Association of Christian Counselors!! What a blessing!! I haven't met with her yet but am looking forward to it eagerly.

I also had my anxiety RX refilled (which I take as needed), but have been able to go the last few days without taking any, I am trying to go a week without taking any as I feel that they may be contributing to the depression(as they do work on the same nerve endings as alcohol and other depressants)... but I've got them if I need them.

But here is the Amazing news!! My husband and I have steadily been looking for a "healthy" church since we got married... we hadn't found any where we really felt welcomed and loved and where people were in the same age range/social status(young marrieds) as we are in.

So, one of my husbands coworkers told him about the church that her son and daughter in law go to and we checked it out today... it was awesome!! Very down to earth, genuine, they are baptist(which we appreciate coming from a spiritually abusive, charismatic "this is what the Lord is saying" type of church) but even with their denominational affiliation, the pastor said this in his sermon (which was on Baptism) (this is a rough quote, not exact =) ) "You have to find out what the Bible says about these foundational subjects and truths and then find a denomination that lines up with what you believe the Bible says, you do not conform your beliefs to what the denomination teaches." Wow! That rocked my world!!
We were invited to some bible studies and fellowship time, invited out to eat with another couple... and... my husband got Baptized today!!! It was awesome! So, we are extremely hopeful that this could be a good place for us to get connected, though we are always continually guarded, but have to trust that the Lord will guide and protect us!

PS... Recommended reading: I used to own this book but either loaned it out or lost it in relocation : "Hinds Feet in High Places" by Hannah Hurnand... I bought it again yesterday and began reading it again and it has brought great healing to my heart as I am reminded of the depth of our Chief Shepherd's Love and that He is not willing to leave us in the clutches of the fear and terror which enslave us!! It is an allegory and written beautifully by a woman who was greatly tormented by anxiety even after she found true salvation and relationship with our saviour!!

Thank you all once again for your genuine care and compassion! I continue to check back and be encouraged by the interaction that takes place among brothers and sisters in this forum!!

Praise God! :D

[Anna Marta]

RIGHT ON Lamisa!!!

Great news. "Hinds Feet In High Places" is my special book too. I have recommended it and/or given it as a gift to many people. It is a great reminder that God does allow quite a bit of adversity, pain and sorrow for our good... but NEVER leaves us alone.

love
Anna Marta