Reg
12-11-2004, 11:21 AM
This is a further post to the one where we were talking about P.T.S.D. in The Too High Expections thread.
This is from one of my jounal entries. It helped explain what was happening to me.
I just read on page 198 of Dr. John Townsend's book "Hiding from Love" where it states:
"INTERNAL HIDING FROM DETACHMENT" January 27, 2003
When our need for attachment, or our "yes muscle," is injured, we tend to view relationship itself as the danger. Our ability to trust God and others may have been violated by abandonment, abuse, detachment, superficial family intimacy, and other injuries.
What gives rise to hiding in this area? The fear of our needy parts will cause our emotional annihilation. At some level, a person's ability to reach out emotionally is damaged. We become certain that if we risk further relationship, at least one of two things will happen: (1) our own needs and dependencies will engulf and overwhelm us; or (2) others will betray us because of our needs. (My comment: Because we leave ourselves open, exposed and vulnerable in some of the areas that have caused us the most pain in the past. Those who were closest to us have betrayed us and hurt us the most. To go back to that kind of pain is out of the range of our ability to accept it again.)
The overwhelming terror we experience when our unmet needs for connection and our needy parts come face to face causes tremendously powerful hiding patterns.
(My Comment: As stated above, the terror of ever experiencing that kind of pain is avoided at all costs. A rape victim never wants to go back to the experience of being raped again. They will run as far away and as fast as they can from their abuser. For me as a victim of Sp Ab who was intellectually and spiritually raped, the feelings are just as strong. This may explain why I have such difficulty in trusting those in Church authority no matter how safe they may be. I have an extremely difficult time to distinguish the differences of who and who not to trust, because of the subtlety of my abuse. It's a bit like knowing how to sort the wheat from the chaff analogy. Those parts of me that would normally be available to me as it is to others, has been damaged to the point that it no longer works effectively. It has been disabled because of my abuse. This is the dilemma many of us face as victims of Sp Ab when we try to integrate into church life again. It is the part that we struggle with so much, to try to explain our abuse issue to others, hoping they will understand.)
We can identify six styles of internal hiding from attachment: projection, introjection, splitting, perceived omnipotence, devaluation and hostility.
(Mine are splitting, perceived omnipotence, some devaluation and hostility. Four out of six. It's no wonder I have the difficulty I do.)
Black and White Style (Splitting)
Without the ability to make distinctions between ourselves and others, decision-making would be impossible. Yet a black and white hiding style can be a way to "cut off", or remove, parts of ourselves from others who diminish us.
The Fall created a fundamental split in the universe, when we were separated from God, and each other, by sin. The alienation and isolation caused by this rift in closeness was solved on the cross:
Eph 2:12 Remember that at that time you were without Christ, being aliens (excluded) from the commonwealth of Israel, and strangers from the covenants of promise, having no hope, and without God in the world.
13 But now in Christ Jesus you who were once afar off are made (brought us) near by the blood of Christ.
14 ¶ For He (Himself) is our peace, He making us both (groups into) one, and [He] has broken down the middle wall (barrier) of partition (the dividing wall) , (emphasis added)
This description of Christ's integrating Gentile with Jews gives us the counterpart to splitting. The antidote to splitting is reconciliation.
For the individual with attachment injuries [me]- love and limits are split. That is, our bonding ability and our aggressive parts are kept away from each other. We fear that our hatred toward neediness ( as illustrated in self-statements such as "Why don't you grow up!") will destroy those injured weak parts.
Elaine would talk about her own soul this way: "There's a strong independent Elaine who's good. But there's also a weak clingy Elaine who's bad." (Personally, I may have that side to me but have not acknowledged it yet. One thing I do not want to do, is to be weak or appear to be weak. It leaves me too vulnerable to exposing myself to further hurt and injury. I do not want to surrender my critical thinking process to another person again. Admitting weakness to another person I may not have learned to trust fully yet, opens myself up to being vulnerable and hurt again.)
Elaine spent most of her time trying to keep these two parts away from each other, especially by keeping "weak Elaine" out of the picture entirely. (Most likely what I have done.) That part of her was too much trouble. It made her do foolish things like fall in love, get close to the wrong people and get hurt. (This most likely describes me.)
Another example of splitting in this area of attachment has to do with serious trauma, such as physical, sexual, emotional, ritualistic (let me add - [B]spiritual) abuse. When people have suffered this sort of severe injury, it's common for them to use splitting to a great degree. ( So that helps explain what I have done without ever knowing it. It is a revelation to me to help explain why I do what I do that causes me such difficulty in my relationships.)
Sometimes large segments of time, such as the abusive years (29 for me), will be split off from memory entirely. (I think that has partially occurred with me) And in extreme cases, sometimes the splitting is a fragmentation of the self into several or many "selves" as in multiple personality disorders. (Thankfully it hasn't gotten to that point with me.) ;)
Splitting protects us from having to remember and reexperience traumatic events that would be too destructive to handle all the time. It takes years, and a great deal of work, for people with this sort of background to develop trusting relationships for split-off parts of the soul to come together within attachments.
(That explains it as clearly as I've ever seen it described before. It's like Dr. Townsend has gotten into my mind to see exactly what's going on. I find that remarkable. It is one of the largest breakthroughs in my recovery to date.)
This is from one of my jounal entries. It helped explain what was happening to me.
I just read on page 198 of Dr. John Townsend's book "Hiding from Love" where it states:
"INTERNAL HIDING FROM DETACHMENT" January 27, 2003
When our need for attachment, or our "yes muscle," is injured, we tend to view relationship itself as the danger. Our ability to trust God and others may have been violated by abandonment, abuse, detachment, superficial family intimacy, and other injuries.
What gives rise to hiding in this area? The fear of our needy parts will cause our emotional annihilation. At some level, a person's ability to reach out emotionally is damaged. We become certain that if we risk further relationship, at least one of two things will happen: (1) our own needs and dependencies will engulf and overwhelm us; or (2) others will betray us because of our needs. (My comment: Because we leave ourselves open, exposed and vulnerable in some of the areas that have caused us the most pain in the past. Those who were closest to us have betrayed us and hurt us the most. To go back to that kind of pain is out of the range of our ability to accept it again.)
The overwhelming terror we experience when our unmet needs for connection and our needy parts come face to face causes tremendously powerful hiding patterns.
(My Comment: As stated above, the terror of ever experiencing that kind of pain is avoided at all costs. A rape victim never wants to go back to the experience of being raped again. They will run as far away and as fast as they can from their abuser. For me as a victim of Sp Ab who was intellectually and spiritually raped, the feelings are just as strong. This may explain why I have such difficulty in trusting those in Church authority no matter how safe they may be. I have an extremely difficult time to distinguish the differences of who and who not to trust, because of the subtlety of my abuse. It's a bit like knowing how to sort the wheat from the chaff analogy. Those parts of me that would normally be available to me as it is to others, has been damaged to the point that it no longer works effectively. It has been disabled because of my abuse. This is the dilemma many of us face as victims of Sp Ab when we try to integrate into church life again. It is the part that we struggle with so much, to try to explain our abuse issue to others, hoping they will understand.)
We can identify six styles of internal hiding from attachment: projection, introjection, splitting, perceived omnipotence, devaluation and hostility.
(Mine are splitting, perceived omnipotence, some devaluation and hostility. Four out of six. It's no wonder I have the difficulty I do.)
Black and White Style (Splitting)
Without the ability to make distinctions between ourselves and others, decision-making would be impossible. Yet a black and white hiding style can be a way to "cut off", or remove, parts of ourselves from others who diminish us.
The Fall created a fundamental split in the universe, when we were separated from God, and each other, by sin. The alienation and isolation caused by this rift in closeness was solved on the cross:
Eph 2:12 Remember that at that time you were without Christ, being aliens (excluded) from the commonwealth of Israel, and strangers from the covenants of promise, having no hope, and without God in the world.
13 But now in Christ Jesus you who were once afar off are made (brought us) near by the blood of Christ.
14 ¶ For He (Himself) is our peace, He making us both (groups into) one, and [He] has broken down the middle wall (barrier) of partition (the dividing wall) , (emphasis added)
This description of Christ's integrating Gentile with Jews gives us the counterpart to splitting. The antidote to splitting is reconciliation.
For the individual with attachment injuries [me]- love and limits are split. That is, our bonding ability and our aggressive parts are kept away from each other. We fear that our hatred toward neediness ( as illustrated in self-statements such as "Why don't you grow up!") will destroy those injured weak parts.
Elaine would talk about her own soul this way: "There's a strong independent Elaine who's good. But there's also a weak clingy Elaine who's bad." (Personally, I may have that side to me but have not acknowledged it yet. One thing I do not want to do, is to be weak or appear to be weak. It leaves me too vulnerable to exposing myself to further hurt and injury. I do not want to surrender my critical thinking process to another person again. Admitting weakness to another person I may not have learned to trust fully yet, opens myself up to being vulnerable and hurt again.)
Elaine spent most of her time trying to keep these two parts away from each other, especially by keeping "weak Elaine" out of the picture entirely. (Most likely what I have done.) That part of her was too much trouble. It made her do foolish things like fall in love, get close to the wrong people and get hurt. (This most likely describes me.)
Another example of splitting in this area of attachment has to do with serious trauma, such as physical, sexual, emotional, ritualistic (let me add - [B]spiritual) abuse. When people have suffered this sort of severe injury, it's common for them to use splitting to a great degree. ( So that helps explain what I have done without ever knowing it. It is a revelation to me to help explain why I do what I do that causes me such difficulty in my relationships.)
Sometimes large segments of time, such as the abusive years (29 for me), will be split off from memory entirely. (I think that has partially occurred with me) And in extreme cases, sometimes the splitting is a fragmentation of the self into several or many "selves" as in multiple personality disorders. (Thankfully it hasn't gotten to that point with me.) ;)
Splitting protects us from having to remember and reexperience traumatic events that would be too destructive to handle all the time. It takes years, and a great deal of work, for people with this sort of background to develop trusting relationships for split-off parts of the soul to come together within attachments.
(That explains it as clearly as I've ever seen it described before. It's like Dr. Townsend has gotten into my mind to see exactly what's going on. I find that remarkable. It is one of the largest breakthroughs in my recovery to date.)