Good Morning All:

[hornblower]

Hi Im back again after a long seige of whatevers...........I went way back to find my thread and Abbey yes Im sure its mpd of sorts anyway, I see these people sort of, parts of me, and every great once in awhile I hear from them sort of too and when I can do the right thing like parent them I do feel better. My counselor explained these things to me in a way that amkes better sense to my mind. She says mpd gets a bad rap. That it is a natural mechanism for dealing with trauma. Trauma or stress happenes to a child and they cannot handle it so they stuff the pain inside of themselves in compartments. Thus the various parts of myself came about. Im assuming this happened because of my extreme depression of not being 'heard' inside my family, verbal abuse and my sister says physical abuse happened to me although I dont see it as such, (I was spanked with a belt over and over again but to me I deserved it, I was cussing and yelling) and I know sexual abuse happened.
I told my counselor some of these known memories, they are not stuffed and forgotten at all, never have been, so in my mind whats the big deal after all???????? My counselor told me she was so sorry for these abuses and I said to her........"Everybody always acts like that like they are so sorry this happened or that happened but it doesnt bother me at all so ??????' She says thats the problem right there. It doesnt bother me doesnt hurt me it hurts my inside little selves......they are the ones that hurt, meanwhile the abuse in my life continues and yes it hurts big time because I dont have any learned boundaries because I was never taught any at all.
Mega people pleasing, care taking of everybody else but I feel too guilty to take care of myself, like I have no rights at all thus there you have it...........wouldnt this behavior just spill out big red flags to every tom dick and harry that wants to kick somebody around (?) yes it does, in church, at work, and at home, anywhere at all.
Add Jesus.........yes He loves me the only real honest to goodness love Ive ever known but at the same time with the false teaching abounding that martyr thing comes home all too often for me.
I agree that I think my original counselor overdid this mpd thing making it into a huge deal. Spooky stuff..........I know it wasnt her it was the guy she studied under.........he was beyond spooky.
So anyway what Im learning is Im NOT crazy!
I have never had black outs. Im on control of myself and always have been except my emotions are out of whack and today is no exception.

Please say some prayers for me my sweet good friends if you can manage. I know sometimes praying for others is so much harder than we let on. It is for me. There I admit it.
I always feel like Im not being heard and what good will it do anyway? But it does do good I just know it brings peace I can feel it happening inside of me in these times of extreme pressures.
I had an MRI yesterday of the left breast. Miserable machine now my back is worse then ever, hands are screaming numbness, thumbs hurt so bad. 4000.00 test............and on top of that my husband was treating me like absolute crap.
We will owe 1350.00 which you got it we dont have along with his other surgery expenses and our daughters continuing daily expenses which keep mounting. Shes lost her newest job. Going even nuttier without anybody to be her friend.......a lot of this is because of her illness. She can be beyond irritating to be around. Every single day all of everything about her breaks my heart.......I see no end to it. Only God can deal with it and fix it and the huge guilt I feel for not being around her, not taking her in my arms and doing it all for her but it wont work anyway.........she doesnt want that and wont let me anyway........its all heart rending.
Then next week is our 39th anniversary...........we never get a real vacation although thank dearest God for our little tiny lake house. We go there most weekends. He plays golf and sleeps and I bead and sleep and am very lonely like I am here too.
So the reason Im telling you this is that in the scope of things I should be thankful and unfortunately most of the time Im not.
I wont know if the cancer has returned or not for another day possibly longer than that.
I know nobody can keep up with my s*** I can barely keep up with it its boring to be sure but anyway Ive been having mamograms by the montian full because they keep thinking they are seeing something but then they always say in the end its ok and go on...................very dangerous!!!!!!!!!
Ive seen this happen to others in my support group before. When I had my regular check up my doc felt something..........I asked her where it was and then told her this is where they keep thinking they see something..........so thus the MRI..............
Its a long story about my husbands abuse of me AGAIN! No shoulder to even slightly lean on AGAIN!
Who is this masked man Ive been shooked up with for so long????????? the LONE Ranger thats who he is!
ALONE ALONE ALONE!
Basically by his own admission, at least he now admits it, he is blaming me for being right about something (someone) and he cannot stand up to this person so he has been taking it all out on me because of his own guilty feelings about what he (didnt do)! Yep he let me down again didnbt stand up for me and I get blamed for something he and someone else is doing! All of this during my MRI!


So maybe Im really TONTO or I should be............
Me no talkey, me shouldnt talkey, because me rides around on spotted pony letting big stupid guy take all the glory for wearing a stupid mask and hes not the one that is doing the saving anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!
All because he gets to wear the outifit, while me? Im an Indian? what do I know?
Yeah as usual my stories are so involved and I dont know how to shorten them.

Ive always felt this affinity to the American Indian for some strange reason. I think my Dad was one. He certainly looked like one. Anyway who knows whats going on only God knows any of this and Im just sick at heart again like I always am being.
I feel like Gods telling me I dont have cancer.
If I do please buy me a a gun..........if I have to go through it again I think Id rather blow me up!
Dont listen to me.
Just my out of whack feelings again so dont pay me any attention.
I wish you guys were here. I miss you all so much and I dont know why Im not coming everyday like I used too I just bead and bead and bead like a nut!
You should see what Im doing though its so great! Free form peyote! I am so addicted!
Keeps me from doing other bad stuff.............Im chewing gum and brushing my teeth like a wacko!!!!!!!!! Trying not to eat. Although I still have not lost like I should be doing. No exercise to speak of.
Im down 20 pounds and just barely staying there...........
At night I am drinking margaritas and my husband hates me for it!
I dont know I just cant look his way and see this marriage and all my lost so called years going down the drains. He sleeps mostly. The tv always on. I hate television.
Too long I know who can read all of this nonsense?
Carmen I think of you every single day several times a day! How are you??????????????????????????????????????????????? ????????????????
Memorial day at dinner I told everyone about your plight telling them that my dear daughter and I pray for you all of the time and we do!
As we do everyone here.
Im still trying church everyonce in awhile.........BSF and grief recovery and my stevens minister who sticks by me as best as she can anyway. I love my doggy. I love my grandsons.
My one oldest all of a sudden for no reason at all said to me..........Memaw...........I love you so much! He didnt even want anything or anything at all just told me that and meant it! I cant tell you how much that meant to me.

[ex-shep]

I confess to plead ignorance. What is "mpd"?

I can understand the difficulty praying. For me it was a mind control dynamic to shut down critical thought. I was afraid I would loose my faculties if I prayed. It was scary. I cannot remember a magic cure per se. I did comfortable with it as time went on. The comfort level rose gradually and water warmed up in a matter of speaking. Good comment.

[Elisabeth]

HB, if anyone thought you were crazy, they were nuts! :D I know what you mean about the lack of boundaries inviting more abuse. Most people who were abused, unfortunately, have that problem. Abusers are good at "sniffing out" the weak. They are wolves. Wolves don't go for the strong sheep, they go for the hurt lambs.
I could see your struggle this morning. You know, I really enjoy reading your posts. You are very transparent with us, and your posts really say things that matter.:)

[abbey]

HI HB!

I just wanted to make sure nobody was giving you a false diagnosis with that MPD. (Ex-shep, MPD is multiple personality disorder, where children who had trauma break of into seperate personalities to cope. Very rare and very controversial, but for some reason "all the rage" in Christian warfare circles and therapists) Remember the book and movies sybil and 3 faces of Eve? My cult claimed I had it and thats bollacks! LOL...

Well HB, glad to see you back and am praying for a clean bill of health for you! You are not alone in feeling "lonely." I often do too and my husband is much like yours , so I can relate! Sounds like you guyz fell outta of love a long time ago. Ill pray that God softens his heart and he sees what a gem and treasure he has in you! Good luck with the therapist.

BTW, how does she handle your alters? Is she trying to intergrate all of them?

Love ab

[abbey]

HB, if anyone thought you were crazy, they were nuts! :D I know what you mean about the lack of boundaries inviting more abuse. Most people who were abused, unfortunately, have that problem. Abusers are good at "sniffing out" the weak. They are wolves. Wolves don't go for the strong sheep, they go for the hurt lambs.
I could see your struggle this morning. You know, I really enjoy reading your posts. You are very transparent with us, and your posts really say things that matter.:)

I always like HB's posts too, cause she endures alot but loves the Lord wholey!

And yes, the wolves enjoy the weak. When I went to that warfare group for help, I was very very weak from a variety of things. My bi-polar and a very very bad depression. They loved controlling me. Now that I look back E, control was such an issue with them all. One guy in the cult lost his whole family due to the leader twisting scripture. I KNEW the guy was miserable. I told him, " cant you see your in a cult? Your family is gone and tryed to put you in a mental house to get you away from neil, the leader! Dont you see you bound?"

He just rambled on about denying yourself, carrying your cross, laying your life down and not doing what you wanted to do but what God called you to do. He was a workaholic becasue thats the only way he could cope! Neil, the leader had him remove his TV from his apartment, so the guy worked overtime because he had no one or nothing to come home to. Very sad indeed!

[ex-shep]

[QUOTE=abbey;50462]HI HB!

I just wanted to make sure nobody was giving you a false diagnosis with that MPD. (Ex-shep, MPD is multiple personality disorder, where children who had trauma break of into seperate personalities to cope. Very rare and very controversial, but for some reason "all the rage" in Christian warfare circles and therapists)

Thank you. I guess I had not my first cup of coffee. Of course. I remember that was a big concern in the anti-cult movement in the 90s. There were two proponents which were causing havoc. Courage to Heal was one book. Healing of Memories by David Seamands set off major alarm bells for me.

[hornblower]

Going completely off the wall here cussing drinking going out of outer limits big time waiting waiting waiting for the phone to ring and the doctor gives me the good / bad whatever news...........if its cancer Ill shoot myself somehow I trulley do mean it! I cannot go through it again.
My 'd' is here making myt life a living hell and wont leave. Her hair is bright blinding orange and so short shes looks like a butch! Did I mispell that word? This is the cussing Ive been yelling out all over the house like anyone cares a whit, shes in there in the bathroom dyeing her hair again sitting in a tub full of bubbles doing her spa treatments like this is her complete domain!
Its always been like this.
My counselors good I saw her yesterday but you know nobody can help me Im so whacked! If I told you what Ive been dealing with with my husband youd tell me to leave him wish I could but I know Ill never leave him if I would have done it it woulkd have been years and years ago.
Its so awful to be the way I am so pathetically a shameful idiot so called christian. I love Jesus because He looked down on my pathetic existance and took so much pity on me, died for me He did. Ill never understand why He did what He did for me. My life as a Christian started out with all kinds of promise then the attack On my 'd' and I went from joy to destitute in one short week and then He blessed me, brought me back so to speak, and then I wouldnt play church games with the little boys never did get along with the neighborhood bullies that pick on the little ones, so then I got left behind so then there I was wondering the streets with all of this rain just poutring down on my head.......... drenched to the bone I was.......and I saw in the dim light of that stormy night a small little wooden structure with what looked like a fire within. For some reason I took hope I walked up and knocked on the little door and there in soft white warm robes stood a man with dark skin weathered by the sun and chapped hard hands that could hold the entire world in them, Come in He seemed to be saying to me and I fainted dead away and he picked me up body and soul and carried me to a little warm wooden bed...........I dont remember much except I must have been there for some time with Him nursing me, feeding me some kind of warm milk and broth of some sort, all very warm, the warmth was so good after being so cold and wet for such a long long time.
When I awoke I got out of my bed and wondered around into the little room with wooden pews and no windows the roof shaped like a churches roof you know pointed up like it they always are but that was it there was nogthing else no piano no oragn no choir stuff no stage no podium no altar just soft warm wood everywhere all of it lit from something somewhere like a fireplace I never did find but always felt was there..........safe and secure I was in that place that very plain poor like place.
I dont remember if this was a vison I had or a dream but then I found this same church and even though it wasnt exactly like it was in the dream it did feel just that way, healing and warm. It was so wonderful.........then it fell apart too. One person after the other intent on their own journey of pain. None of it happened to me.
I was too happy to be free from chemo and the surgery to be concerned I was worshipping the God of my heart, the God of that place too. Everybody was so hurt so damaged from all of it and I thought when will this happen to me (I hope never!) But then it did, big time.
My husband and I we do love each other but its always been weird for both of us mostly me I think not him. He sees my passion and he admires It I think and it scares him. I dont understand him at all. I cant he was overly loved as a child and I was underly loved.........lol. He abuses me I abuse him we have a mutual misery going on. I didnt used to believe that he loved me but then people started telling me that they knew that he did they could see it in the way he looks at me. Me? I need to hear it because I DONT believe it! He never says it he thinks I should know he doesnt want to give himself away..........I do! I want to give myself away to someone passionately. Its all over for us we are old and useless to everyone around us and still they keep using us both up and we hate it but he especially just keeps on letting it happen.
Its so awful to get old and to be forgotten. We each try to keep up especially him in our own little ways we try but its a loosing thing life is slipping away.
By the way Im not drunk not even high...........yet!
Margaritas the witches drink I think.
I dont do any medications at all so give me a little break here I cant take all of theis stress although I know I should be brave the way so many of you are. You Abbey You Carmen You Elizabeth You Ex Shep You Jerry You my dear friend BJ You my dear ones all of you I hold up as being my own true heroes I really really do.
Still No phone call from those idiot doctors!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Ladybug]

((((HB)))

I hope by now you have heard something from your doctors and I hope it was good news. :)

[hornblower]

Its been an extremely stressful weekend so far but the good news.........and for some reason I cant seem to get hold on that good news???????.........the doctor finally after many tries from me called the hospital and told me the first result, preliminary results, are negative. She said she was releaved I guess she could tell that I wasnt.........?
Big time fights in this house because my daughter will not leave and is using us again and me being me the BAD mother, the bad wife that I always am I cannot deal with her at all.
Going back to my visit with my counselor who said to me........."you have a lot more to be concerned about than this family "*******" I forget the word she used, (she makes them up to fit her needs like I do) so obviously the woman has learned to deal with this stress much better than I am doing. Her son is special needs and he is in a home far away from her where she says he is happy. She isnt so happy for him but she allows him that freedom of choice. So then she is free to go out and be a good christian lady like I should be instead of the screaming nut that I have become.

I should be concerned about the thought of the MRI and the cancer?????????? You know this insight makes no sense at all to me!


My husband just left the house here Im sure hed like to leave me altogether and as of right now I dont really care much if he does. Ill have to go get a job which sucks but Ill be alone and it will be quiet and I can make my own decisions.
Im sick to death of living in this world thats all I can say. I cant change and be different. I hate my daughter and the way she is and I cant change the way I feel about it. Nothing makes the pain go away. Ive prayed and screamed at God and nothing.........silence comes from heaven.
Is He real? Yes He has to be real I cant imagine Him not being real. I saw Him for gods sake?
People can say Im crazy maybe I am but I know what I know and I saw Him Hes real Hes alive! He was crucified, and Hes alive now!
Im alone here with this vision I had or whatever it was. I was alone before it happened and people thought I was crazy then too so what do I care what anyone thinks about me?
My daughter lives an embarassing life for me. Its embarassing because of the way my husband doesnt want to live. He is the golfing country club set. Me? I would be a renegade artistic on fire christian, probably very poor, if I had my own way. I would live in a bad part of town, instead I live in this place where I feel a total stranger.
But he as usual always ends up smelling looking like mr sweetie pie. Im sick of it all. My daughter wanted to have us leave our doors unlocked so she could come here anytime she wanted, eat our food and wash her clothes because she is so broke.

You see its all the managers fault she says, they just dont give her credit for being the amazing person she is! So adept at everything that she should be running these stores. As it is, she never keeps a job and they stay upset with her. Like DUH!!!!!!!!!!!
Shes a slob!
Yes she has her good points so does my husband and I hope I do somewhere? Where it is I dont know. Maybe if we were in church and had a small group or maybe if we could all three get therapy but they wont go to any of this, either her or usually him so we stay this way all of the time untill the pressure builds up inside of me and I blow up like awhile ago big time.
My husband cant stand the way I talk to her. I call her bad names and scream at her when she asks for more money which is every few minutes.

So my councelor thinks this stuff is not as big as cancer..............
I say this stuff is cancer!
Ive had this cancer for 21 years........she got sick when she was about 15 and shes 36 now.
The other cancer was for one year of my life, it was bad it was painful I was so sick and I hate being stuck............I hate poison being shipped into my body...........I was so weak all I did was stay in bed fulltime except when I got my treatments which then I was up for days and nights which was hell!

Well I think I need medication for sure. She isnt on it so I have to be! I really dont think that is very fair that I have to be the wone to be on meds because she isnt she is the freak, she is the person on disability not me. Im the one that keeps two houses clean and meals cooked and clothes washed and mended. I could work but I HAVE worked for many many years. I really think I deserve some time for myself which is obviously NOT going to ever happen.
My husband is a weak spinless man.
Im married to him and she is my daughter my only daughter so now days that makes me be the idiot not them either one of them. As the old saying goes each of us makes our own beds to lie in.
Only now I have two beds upstairs to do because she diodnt make hers up and heaven forbid that a man should make up a bed that would be just too too low wouldnt it?
I guess Monday morning Ill call the nurse at my doctors and tell her about the way I am now. At the time of the check up it didnt occur to me that I had a problem. That was before the MRI and my d's staying here.

I dont know what the world this latest illness of mine is but there it is if anyone is satying with me on this post which if you arent believe me I certainly do understand that!

This is all I want to do anymore.............brush my teeth with these wonderful new toothpastes Crest greentea mint and orange scope and cinnamon rush........If I could od that all day I would be so happy............thats sort of sick right?
The other thing I do is chew gum like a pack or more a day, one right after the other....................like I used to do cigarettes.
Then margaritas.....sierra mist and margarita mix and teguila I would like to make them in huge containers and just sit around and guzelle all day all night if I could.
I dont take any medications at all I HATE pills!
I should be exercising I know but Im afraid of the place that I have to go too to do that.
I know I could do it here but I wont because I loathe it it makes me feel awful when I do it.
I only bathe when I have too which is probably every other day because of my hair. I dont smell bad but you know this is just not american to only bathe everyother day.
I bead incesantly. I love my art.
I do all of the housework as a break. These houses have to be kept up a certain way otherwise I wouldnt care much because she would ruin everything we have she always has, so what else is new?
So now to my margarita and cooking and cleaning up since she messed the entire house.
I hate myself because I would have liked to make her this meal and we could all three eat outside
Bottom line thing I hate users and thats what she is. I know she doesnt know it and shes sick but shes a user anyway and I hate it. Ive been used all of my life Ive had enough of it.

[Carmen]

(((Hornblower))), I'm glad the results were negative. :) :) Hope you find some peace despite daughter and husband.

[ex-shep]

(((Hornblower))), I'm glad the results were negative. :) :) Hope you find some peace despite daughter and husband.

This may be triggering, so skip the thread if it too much. The only way I could get through the transition from Texas and Ohio and the increasing threat of living on the streets was trusting in the Lord with all I had.

The trials do build character and peserverence. Somehow I have come out the better from it. The sermons at church were actually on trials during the transition. There is an element of truth to the first chapter of James. I can be a character building experience, worth it in the long run.