ex-shep
05-28-2007, 10:50 PM
I have never done an in depth story. It might make for an interesting part one of the SARA big book. Let me try an abridged version. I decided to see how it reads. This was inspired by the thread started by Anna Marta on her attempts to share her story. I hope it inspires others:
I came to Midwest State in 1980. The same week I arrived two itinerant campus preachers were doing a fire and brimstone routine. I was in culture shock. In the crowd was a woman from the next county south. We started dating. She was in a Christian choir singing what was then known as white gospel, now referred to as Contemporary Christian. She was also in little Methodist church. I loved the church and her family. When we broke up, I realized, it was not that I missed her, but her church and family. I went to the Methodist church in town. I became involved in the University Christian Choir and the Methodist church. Eventually I became a Christian.
I was taking a geography class. A classmate, hearing of my recent conversion, said she had a friend I had to meet. That was a sweet self effacing little gal who warm up the most hardened atheist. She had a quiet spirit and hope of where here help came from. That was Tammy Bentsen. We could only work as friends. That was fine. What Tammy and I never knew at the time was that charismatic campus fellowship was linked into the Shepherding/Discipleship Movement and a Catholic charismatic shepherding group. There was to be quite a bit of fallout. The sponsoring church finally was able to clean house when the extent of the shepherding became known. The pastor resigned and has not been heard from since.
I developed an interest in cults and preaching. Tammy was appreciative my of my street preaching. She was taken aback with my interest in cults. Surely there must be a better way to spend my time. I gave up on preaching when I left my groups. I never expected a career in cults and mind control.
It was the unusually cool summer of 1982. I am not sure what I was doing home on Saturday when two attractive women knocked at the door of the Christian household. I usually worked at the public radio station announcing opera. They said they were from the Community. In retrospect, their testimonies never rang true. They were the first Century recreation of the Christian church. Their story of the Book of Acts as picture book with Christianity spreading to the entire world by AD 99 was too incredible, even under mind control. I remember the campus fellowships and churches in town feeling irritated by the by the spiritual superiority.
The Fall Semester arrived with great promise. The charismatic fellowship was excited that Tammy was Women’s group leader. Then we felt like we had been sucker punched. The semester was not even a week old when it was announced that Tammy had jumped ship to the Community. Her response was, “I met them. They were great.” It was one the most interesting displays of love bombing I ever witnessed. We, in the charismatic group accepted it and moved on. Tammy and I remained friends. If we were sharing our hopes in what the Lord had in store for our lives, I was fine. I was starting to hear a group speak that sounded like a recording.
Even after I graduated, we became something of a kindred spirit. We would always watch out for each other and pray for each other. It was a priceless friendship. I was invited to join a church a friend in New England had joined. It was a militant oneness Pentecostal group. I was able to escape with the help of an Assemblies of God pastor. Curiously Tammy sensed danger and prayed for me. I relocated to central New England. I was involved in a large AG. Job market dried up. I moved in with my parents. They had an intense hatred toward any religion. How a Jesus freak and militant parents and sister lived in the same house without killing each other was a miracle. I had visited a Pentecostal bible school which had a church which met on their campus. I threw my energies into the school. I applied to the school and was turned down for admission. I was disappointed but seemed to rebound in short order.
Tammy was glowing about the prospects of joining the Community. They would love to have my preaching abilities and desire to serve the Lord. Before moving to another part of the country, I decided to research the group. There was a problem. I did not know the name of the group. There was nothing in the phone book. I went to a local Christian college to research the church. Nothing. I called Tammy. Her answers did not ring true, “talk to the elders, they have all the answers”.
“Why can’t you provide an answer of the hope that is within you?”
“Talk to the elders. They have all the answers”
At this point, alarm bells were going off. This was not the Tammy I knew. With no other option, I contacted my resources in cult research. It was then I got the full information about the Community. I went to get help for Tammy. Tragically there was nothing that could be done. I was working with a cult researcher. We started to look at the names of the groups, leaders, and modi operandi the groups use to recruit and control their members. The names mentioned were the same groups on campus and at the bible school. “Say it ain’t so” I was thinking to myself. It was and there was no way around it. The cult researcher looked at my recruiting efforts at a college coed. I thought my aggressive recruiting tactics were doing the Lord’s will. A light came on for me when I realized I was actually stalking Marcie.
The final crowning blow came the morning of November 11 at 0130 in the morning. I was in a cult, the bible school was using mind control and I could not go back. It was like I was hit head, stomach, and kidneys all at the same time. I had the triple whammy of loosing Tammy, realizing what I did to Marcie the college female I was chasing across campus, and realizing what I was involved at Midwest State and the bible school. My world came to an end.
I was fortunate that I already had a support network already in place with former group members. I was already thrown into the anti-cult movement. I studied up on everything I could on what was going on. There was multi-year period of grief and anger. I was grieving the loss of Tammy. I was also angry at her for getting me involved in the mess I was in. “How come she is in her cultic “la la” land and I have to suffer. This is not fair!!”. Of course it was NEVER her fault nor anybody’s. The reality is none of knew. Nobody came out and said, “Hi, I am a cult and I going to take over and ruin your life.”
I gave talks on cults. I also became involved in 12 step recovery for sex and love addiction. The 12 step was accepting on my cult involvement. I saw parallels between my addiction and my group involvement.
I did make attempts to talk to Tammy. With her still under the influence of her group, it was impossible. The group taught that the only reality was the group itself. I was a slanderer of the brethren and to be tuned out unless I repented by joining the Community. Eventually I came to a place where it was pointless to continue. The emotional scars would not completely heal until the late Nineties.
I decided to concentrate my efforts on recovery from my personal roadblocks. I was looking ways to share my experience, strength, and hope for the still suffering former group member. My wishes were answered in 2002 when I stumbled upon the forum and the sponsoring website. It has been a joy to post and share.
What I was not counting on was that the Lord still had plans. I have been strongly resistant having any contact with Tammy or the Community. In 2004 it was impressed on me in no uncertain terms, that it was time to make amends with both. I protested vehemently at first. Tammy was ancient history and my relationship with the Community was long over. It was time to put that all behind and move on. I did email Tammy asking for reconciliation. There was no response. What did happen is that my walk with the Lord grew stronger. My wife and I drew closer as a couple. I did visit a local chapter of the Community. It was a far removed from the shepherding milieu. The pastor was sensitive to what happened to Tammy and I. He was definitely interested in any efforts to bring reform to the group. I was also blessed with a seminary trained associate pastor who was exceptionally skilled in biblical exposition and recovery. It was two years well spent. I was afforded a rare view of the Community, good, bad, and ugly. I was also involved with a forum to bring about reform. The group was still stuck in the old milieu. Nevertheless it was good fellowship.
I never thought it would be possible to ever be in a healthy evangelical setting. My wife found a wonderful church in Ohio. I have a tenuous but open friendship with Tammy. There has been some incredible emotional honesty that I never dreamed possible. I have no idea what tomorrow holds, but I am grateful what the small rapport there is today.
I still have dreams of a full time ministry to those abused by their groups. I would love to see transitional housing so that former members can have a place of refuge to get back on their feet. I would love to see online and face to meetings in recovery. It will be interesting to see what the Lord will do with all this.
I came to Midwest State in 1980. The same week I arrived two itinerant campus preachers were doing a fire and brimstone routine. I was in culture shock. In the crowd was a woman from the next county south. We started dating. She was in a Christian choir singing what was then known as white gospel, now referred to as Contemporary Christian. She was also in little Methodist church. I loved the church and her family. When we broke up, I realized, it was not that I missed her, but her church and family. I went to the Methodist church in town. I became involved in the University Christian Choir and the Methodist church. Eventually I became a Christian.
I was taking a geography class. A classmate, hearing of my recent conversion, said she had a friend I had to meet. That was a sweet self effacing little gal who warm up the most hardened atheist. She had a quiet spirit and hope of where here help came from. That was Tammy Bentsen. We could only work as friends. That was fine. What Tammy and I never knew at the time was that charismatic campus fellowship was linked into the Shepherding/Discipleship Movement and a Catholic charismatic shepherding group. There was to be quite a bit of fallout. The sponsoring church finally was able to clean house when the extent of the shepherding became known. The pastor resigned and has not been heard from since.
I developed an interest in cults and preaching. Tammy was appreciative my of my street preaching. She was taken aback with my interest in cults. Surely there must be a better way to spend my time. I gave up on preaching when I left my groups. I never expected a career in cults and mind control.
It was the unusually cool summer of 1982. I am not sure what I was doing home on Saturday when two attractive women knocked at the door of the Christian household. I usually worked at the public radio station announcing opera. They said they were from the Community. In retrospect, their testimonies never rang true. They were the first Century recreation of the Christian church. Their story of the Book of Acts as picture book with Christianity spreading to the entire world by AD 99 was too incredible, even under mind control. I remember the campus fellowships and churches in town feeling irritated by the by the spiritual superiority.
The Fall Semester arrived with great promise. The charismatic fellowship was excited that Tammy was Women’s group leader. Then we felt like we had been sucker punched. The semester was not even a week old when it was announced that Tammy had jumped ship to the Community. Her response was, “I met them. They were great.” It was one the most interesting displays of love bombing I ever witnessed. We, in the charismatic group accepted it and moved on. Tammy and I remained friends. If we were sharing our hopes in what the Lord had in store for our lives, I was fine. I was starting to hear a group speak that sounded like a recording.
Even after I graduated, we became something of a kindred spirit. We would always watch out for each other and pray for each other. It was a priceless friendship. I was invited to join a church a friend in New England had joined. It was a militant oneness Pentecostal group. I was able to escape with the help of an Assemblies of God pastor. Curiously Tammy sensed danger and prayed for me. I relocated to central New England. I was involved in a large AG. Job market dried up. I moved in with my parents. They had an intense hatred toward any religion. How a Jesus freak and militant parents and sister lived in the same house without killing each other was a miracle. I had visited a Pentecostal bible school which had a church which met on their campus. I threw my energies into the school. I applied to the school and was turned down for admission. I was disappointed but seemed to rebound in short order.
Tammy was glowing about the prospects of joining the Community. They would love to have my preaching abilities and desire to serve the Lord. Before moving to another part of the country, I decided to research the group. There was a problem. I did not know the name of the group. There was nothing in the phone book. I went to a local Christian college to research the church. Nothing. I called Tammy. Her answers did not ring true, “talk to the elders, they have all the answers”.
“Why can’t you provide an answer of the hope that is within you?”
“Talk to the elders. They have all the answers”
At this point, alarm bells were going off. This was not the Tammy I knew. With no other option, I contacted my resources in cult research. It was then I got the full information about the Community. I went to get help for Tammy. Tragically there was nothing that could be done. I was working with a cult researcher. We started to look at the names of the groups, leaders, and modi operandi the groups use to recruit and control their members. The names mentioned were the same groups on campus and at the bible school. “Say it ain’t so” I was thinking to myself. It was and there was no way around it. The cult researcher looked at my recruiting efforts at a college coed. I thought my aggressive recruiting tactics were doing the Lord’s will. A light came on for me when I realized I was actually stalking Marcie.
The final crowning blow came the morning of November 11 at 0130 in the morning. I was in a cult, the bible school was using mind control and I could not go back. It was like I was hit head, stomach, and kidneys all at the same time. I had the triple whammy of loosing Tammy, realizing what I did to Marcie the college female I was chasing across campus, and realizing what I was involved at Midwest State and the bible school. My world came to an end.
I was fortunate that I already had a support network already in place with former group members. I was already thrown into the anti-cult movement. I studied up on everything I could on what was going on. There was multi-year period of grief and anger. I was grieving the loss of Tammy. I was also angry at her for getting me involved in the mess I was in. “How come she is in her cultic “la la” land and I have to suffer. This is not fair!!”. Of course it was NEVER her fault nor anybody’s. The reality is none of knew. Nobody came out and said, “Hi, I am a cult and I going to take over and ruin your life.”
I gave talks on cults. I also became involved in 12 step recovery for sex and love addiction. The 12 step was accepting on my cult involvement. I saw parallels between my addiction and my group involvement.
I did make attempts to talk to Tammy. With her still under the influence of her group, it was impossible. The group taught that the only reality was the group itself. I was a slanderer of the brethren and to be tuned out unless I repented by joining the Community. Eventually I came to a place where it was pointless to continue. The emotional scars would not completely heal until the late Nineties.
I decided to concentrate my efforts on recovery from my personal roadblocks. I was looking ways to share my experience, strength, and hope for the still suffering former group member. My wishes were answered in 2002 when I stumbled upon the forum and the sponsoring website. It has been a joy to post and share.
What I was not counting on was that the Lord still had plans. I have been strongly resistant having any contact with Tammy or the Community. In 2004 it was impressed on me in no uncertain terms, that it was time to make amends with both. I protested vehemently at first. Tammy was ancient history and my relationship with the Community was long over. It was time to put that all behind and move on. I did email Tammy asking for reconciliation. There was no response. What did happen is that my walk with the Lord grew stronger. My wife and I drew closer as a couple. I did visit a local chapter of the Community. It was a far removed from the shepherding milieu. The pastor was sensitive to what happened to Tammy and I. He was definitely interested in any efforts to bring reform to the group. I was also blessed with a seminary trained associate pastor who was exceptionally skilled in biblical exposition and recovery. It was two years well spent. I was afforded a rare view of the Community, good, bad, and ugly. I was also involved with a forum to bring about reform. The group was still stuck in the old milieu. Nevertheless it was good fellowship.
I never thought it would be possible to ever be in a healthy evangelical setting. My wife found a wonderful church in Ohio. I have a tenuous but open friendship with Tammy. There has been some incredible emotional honesty that I never dreamed possible. I have no idea what tomorrow holds, but I am grateful what the small rapport there is today.
I still have dreams of a full time ministry to those abused by their groups. I would love to see transitional housing so that former members can have a place of refuge to get back on their feet. I would love to see online and face to meetings in recovery. It will be interesting to see what the Lord will do with all this.