J-o-y

[Willow]

Jesus then Others then You... that is the way we spell JOY.
I'm beginning to wonder if they were right. Ever since I felt like a victim... then decided to take care of my own needs... left the church... got a job... tried to get healthy friends instead of just letting users (who seem to be in abundance) latch onto me. Ever since all of that... well... now I have done an action that puts me in the category of a user and abuser. So... was I better off in the sacrificial mindset of letting everyone else be more important than me?

I'm truly considering stopping all my efforts at finding a community and relationships to meet my own needs. I'm beginning to think that I've been self centered enough to make me an unsafe person.

Here's my thoughts about a plan of action:

Stop all efforts at building a pseudo family and focus on my dad
when i feel lonely focus on my dad's needs
double up on visits to dad and cut down on social activities that cost money
make the rest of dad's life all about him and not about me
after dad dies (if it's before me) maybe I can focus on whatever is next.

[SpinningHead]

[QUOTE=Willow;50348]Jesus then Others then You... that is the way we spell JOY.QUOTE]

I just spell "joy"... Jay Oh whY. ;)

There's got to be a balance or else a person will grow jaded.
Like putting on your own oxygen mask before you can help someone put on theirs.

I think it's awesome you want to rearrange some priorities and work spending more time with your dad, but don't sacrifice your entire life. You do get to have some fun and joy in your own life too. You get to have your needs met as well.

There's nothing wrong with a psuedo family...accepting support and love from where it comes.

Be good to yourself Willow. I love you!

[Elisabeth]

Willow,
You are being too hard on yourself! And no, you don't have to give up on yourself! I mean, it's awesome to spend more time on your dad, but you need friends too. Maybe get some counseling too. But you don't need to become a hermit! :D

[Willow]

I don't think there's any chance I won't take care of myself. I wish I was that sacrificial. Having never been a parent, I remain as self centered as any teenager.

[mary]

Jesus then Others then You... that is the way we spell JOY.


I'm beginning to think that I've been self centered enough to make me an unsafe person.



Dear Amy, ya needs ta let it go... (Now, if anyone knows which comedian I'm - poorly - imitating there, you're... as old as I am! :))

You exercised some judgment that wasn't the best, on that one occasion. So you're human - and isn't that great?! It's better than being canine or feline or avian... We all make mistakes and we are all capable of making the kind of mistake you made. If we think we're not, we're lying to ourselves. The Lord Jesus Christ didn't come for those who "never sin," did He? He came for those who do and who need a savior. You can't be saved if you think you have nothing to be saved from, right? Oh, He blessed you with a conscience! He could have left you without one, as so many others, especially our abusers, were left - but He didn't.

Jesus, then Others, then You = JOY -- I'd never heard that before, but I like it. Shorthand for the two great commandments, isn't it? I'm glad you posted that. See: you blessed me today. :) I walk around thinking, Jesus and other people, Jesus and other people -- but I think it's a crime for me to provide for myself, hence I wind up in situations where I run myself into the ground physically (sometimes literally), or I become someone else's punching bag, or worse... Thank you, Amy, for that post. It really helped me put things here in some sort of perspective that had been missing, and that's God's perspective.

If you think the Lord can't use you and/or you should isolate yourself (and yes, you have the blessing of your dad to spur you on in serving others!!!), I urge you to rethink that. It is simply not true.

mary

[Hope 98]

Amy - I don't get it.

You AREN'T a user or abuser. REALLY!!

Where was your heart in this mistake? Were you deliberately trying to upset anyone at all?

And what was your response? Did you get angry about how touchy some people are?

Check out the profile of a Sociopath - I'm certain that you will NOT find a clear picture of yourself.

Excuse me if it's a trigger - but the Bible says to Love God and love others as you love yourself. How can you love others without loving yourself? I know it sounds like pop psych jargon, but it is TRUE. God doesn't love anyone more than He loves you!

AND He doesn't love anyone more than He loves me.

Maybe you had some of your priorities mixed up and MAYBE you DIDN'T.

Just don't think you have to go back to that place in your head and heart where you felt like a victim and wonder if they were right - they were wrong.

[wizeone]

I find for myself, that I am in my element when my focus is on others. That said, I do need my time for myself. For me that might only be 1/2 a day a week, or even a day if I can swing it, however it is all my time, and no one gets to intrude.

So long as you take good care of your own needs as well

[Jerry]

Amy,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,yo u think too much ;)
Love Jerry

[Willow]

Whew.... I'll be glad when my emotions stabilize on this one! Ya'll are precious for wading through it with me.

[overcomer]

we're all wading here with you. :)
and God says:

Isaiah 43
But now thus saith the LORD that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine.
When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.


yes, it's a lot of stuff to get through, huh. we just gotta keep looking at Jesus. He's the only one that's perfect, and praise God He still teaches us. He's teaching me as i am reading through Psalms and a few other places right now, it's been good. it was hard to read some areas of scriptures because as others have said, senses toward the word were damaged and bruised. but God is healing, and i am able to read Jesus' words, the words in red, and Psalms.

neat how you're focusing on your father. look again at what you're saying, what you typed. you are focusing on your dad. isn't that neat??
it's incredible what you are saying, you're speaking God's desire of focus on Him, one who'll never die.
God is a good Father, and somehow he's a 'good' like nothing we've ever known before. God is goooooooooooooood.

will visit my dad soon, he's in a nursing home. his thoughts dwell on hurts sometimes way too much, i'm sort of like him sometimes. but he has really good days too. and me, i want to live. there's so much God out there, and inside too. i know He is. it's written that He is, and the doubt is getting pushed out.
He's big in little us.

okay - really gotta go!!!!!!
-i pray God blessings on our focus!
:)

[Willow]

thank you.
I have a call into the person I offended with no response. If I don't get a return call I will try to discipline myself not call again.

[ex-shep]

I have only skimmed the posts, but a thought jumped off the screen. Should the J.O.Y be translated C.O.Y? Church first, others second, yourself "forget it". [Perhaps a bit of resentment or venting, but maybe an element of truth]

I am not angry or bitter, but I cannot seem to get away the fact that my work with my groups made my studies and career take a back seat. I remember a bible school student was sent home because of his interest in trains. It got in the way of the work of the Lord. Obviously I know several evangelical railfans. Gospels record that Jesus and the disciples took rest breaks.

I have a feeling I hit a subtle mind control twist. Curious observation, this is.

[Elisabeth]

I have only skimmed the posts, but a thought jumped off the screen. Should the J.O.Y be translated C.O.Y? Church first, others second, yourself "forget it". [Perhaps a bit of resentment or venting, but maybe an element of truth]

I am not angry or bitter, but I cannot seem to get away the fact that my work with my groups made my studies and career take a back seat. I remember a bible school student was sent home because of his interest in trains. It got in the way of the work of the Lord. Obviously I know several evangelical railfans. Gospels record that Jesus and the disciples took rest breaks.

I have a feeling I hit a subtle mind control twist. Curious observation, this is.

It is interesting the way that others' experiences help us realize the abuses that we've been through too! I think that's part of the reason why forums like this help so much. One thing that I really believe: no matter the form the spiritual abuse we went through took, whether it was theivery, sexual abuse, emotional estrangement from our families, down and outright mind control, or just plain bad teachings, there is many different "layers" of the spiritual abuse. Like with me, I never quite realized the mind control that I was under until I started with this forum, and I am still realizing that there is stuff I was taught that I have never worked through. So it is not accurate to say I was spiritually abused in a certain way, because there is so many other ways of abuse that could still not be realized as abuse, and therefore, still be hidden. (I hope that makes sense.)

[Doug64]

Hi Willow, dear.

I recently 'offended' someone also...unintentionally.

We didn't have much contact for the better part of a month - and in this case - was asked to leave her alone. I continued to forward something to her on occasion, and she has since e-mailed us a couple of times.

I did apologize via e-mail for whatever it was that I did; I'm not sure.

Bottom line, I had decided to let the friendship go if that was what she desired. Del and I discussed several times whether to call her and decided against it.

Don't close off your friends or social life totally. Maybe readjust if you think that is necessary.

There's that verse that says the Lord loves a cheerful giver....we can't 'give' of time, money or any other way if we aren't in contact with others.

Miss talking with you (my fault - I know) but the messenger is up again for now.

love you,

Doug64

[secrethopes]

Jesus then Others then You... that is the way we spell JOY... I'm beginning to wonder if they were right...

I've thought about this quite often lately as well. I've come to the conclusion that it has been distorted by those who take advantage but the initial idea is actually a good one.

Jesus first because without Him life just is not worth it. Others second should mean that we treat others the way we want to be treated and offer assistance when we can, but not to the point where we are compromising or harming ourselves. And Yourself last is to remind us not to be selfish... but all should be in the context of Jesus first. God tells us to put Him first but He frowns on those who use Him as an excuse to avoid their families or to exploit others.

This is my conclusion, anyhow. Take it or leave it. :)

[ex-shep]

I've thought about this quite often lately as well. I've come to the conclusion that it has been distorted by those who take advantage but the initial idea is actually a good one.

Jesus first because without Him life just is not worth it. Others second should mean that we treat others the way we want to be treated and offer assistance when we can, but not to the point where we are compromising or harming ourselves. And Yourself last is to remind us not to be selfish... but all should be in the context of Jesus first. God tells us to put Him first but He frowns on those who use Him as an excuse to avoid their families or to exploit others.

This is my conclusion, anyhow. Take it or leave it. :)

You may be on to something. Like shepherding, it looked great on paper. The realities were far different. Good point.

[jane]

Willow,

I too heard that liner.........I remember the first time I heard it, I wasn't in the FOG yet.........and I laughed. I honestly thought they were joking.

I got a stern look from the pastor's wife. Then she explained it for me:eek:; She Said, it was about LOVE.........

Loving Jesus First, then others then yourself.

little me spoke up and said, "um. doesn't the scripture say to love others as yourself? If you have no love for yourself, you can't have any to flow to others.........sounds like a line to teach co dependency to me."

All the women hushed knowingly.......I had just come from the "feminist movement":D:D:D and was clearly decieved:eek:

I left feeling ashamed and very very self centered.........I wanted to humble myself.

Now here I am years later amazed that I knew truth before the brainwashing.

It is true in my perspective......Love God First.......then yourself, then others as you love yourself............because without loving God first you don't have REAL LOVE and without loving yourself first, YOU CAN'T LOVE SOMEONE ELSE, you are an empty depleted vessel........

The love you have for God will FILL YOU UP........but loving others without caring for yourself will run you dry and depleted......

Be instead a pipeline for His love to flow THROUGH you .......implying again that there is a love for you before someone else.

Anyway, that is my take.

But overall, it is AGAIN one of those QUICK ONELINERS USED TO MANIPULATE AND CONTROL US. Wonder how many one liners Hitler used:p

jane

[Willow]

Jane... that's incredibly informative. I feel "right" about what you said.
And secrethopes... it's just a tad farther than you took it. Actually putting ourselves second in the formula. Not that there are not times that you put others first... showing preference. But in overall self care... no one can take care of us except ourselves.

Doug... thanks so much for sharing your experience. I feel less yucky. However... I think another friend may be offended now. I can't seem to be the nice little Amy I used to be. I'm a bit off kilter lately.

[Elisabeth]

Jane, that is so cool! About the "feminist movement" - isn't it sad the way some churches seem to think that just because ladies say they are equal to men, they must be deceived? I was raised to think that women are equal to men in every way. :D