need feedback

[Willow]

I have a situation at hand that I need feedback on.
I'm going to leave it anonymous so that I can get unbiased opinions on it.

Here's the deal. A couple divorces... has been divorced for 7 years now. The children are 11 and 14. The 14 year old has a myspace account in which her father has her as his top friend.

A woman who is a friend of the father, but not a friend of the mother or kids... messages the girl saying, "I think your dad is hot. I work for him and can see by how articulate you are in writing that you are as special as he is."

As a parent seeing this message... what would be your course of action for such a person. Would you feel complimented? threatened? angry? happy? pleased? confused? nothing at all?

Would love some feedback. I have a ton of mixed feelings on this and am not sure which is correct.

[yeshua'smags]

I would be pissed that she put adult feelings on a daughter's myspace! It's creepy and no one wants to hear that stuff about their dad, especially from a stranger. If he feels flattered, I guess that's normal. But it was unbelieveably inappropriate! I didn't want to hear that stuff from my parents to one another, much less from a stranger. I would hope he would ask this woman not to use his daughter like that anymore.

[SpinningHead]

I would be pissed that she put adult feelings on a daughter's myspace! It's creepy and no one wants to hear that stuff about their dad, especially from a stranger. If he feels flattered, I guess that's normal. But it was unbelieveably inappropriate! I didn't want to hear that stuff from my parents to one another, much less from a stranger. I would hope he would ask this woman not to use his daughter like that anymore.

I'm in agreement!! This woman's common sense is out the window!! Hopefully this dad's ego doesn't get so inflated he shrugs this off as being acceptable behavior from a grown woman.

[Anna Marta]

I would be pissed that she put adult feelings on a daughter's myspace! It's creepy and no one wants to hear that stuff about their dad, especially from a stranger. If he feels flattered, I guess that's normal. But it was unbelieveably inappropriate! I didn't want to hear that stuff from my parents to one another, much less from a stranger. I would hope he would ask this woman not to use his daughter like that anymore.

DITTO!

Inappropriate is only the first name of this kind of behavior!

The parent should respond to this message informing the writer that this kind of communication with his child is not appreciated!

Anna Marta

[Willow]

I am certain he's handled it with the utmost of integrity.
I surely do appreciate the feedback... (((((Mags, SH, Anna))))

[ex-shep]

Well, that is odd. My initial reaction was a 180. It read it as "your dad is great. I can see where you get your influence". It sounded innocuous to me. One poster's opinion. Thanks for coming forward.

[Elisabeth]

That is actually one step away from sexual abuse. I hope it was more that she chucked her brain out the window and was merely trying to use the daughter to get closer to the father, than something darker. :( Totally creeps me out.

[ex-shep]

That is actually one step away from sexual abuse. I hope it was more that she chucked her brain out the window and was merely trying to use the daughter to get closer to the father, than something darker. :( Totally creeps me out.


Well. Egg on my face. I will have to read it again. My Space has never been on my top ten list for surfing. Considering what was read online, that would explain it. My apologies if anyone were offended. I honestly did not catch the problem the first time around.

[Hope 98]

I work for him and can see by how articulate you are in writing that you are as special as he is.


This part didn't really trouble me at all. I would assume that the person is someone that the father knows and that would be far different from a stranger paying the compliment.


I think your dad is hot.


I would find this unsettling and the fact that it is the FIRST part of the message colors the rest of the message. Turns it to a bright shade of confusion in my mind.

However, I also have a daughter with a myspace account and have learned that the language that kids use doesn't always carry the same implication that we (as parents or just part of that generation) take from it. It's partly "myspace culture" and partly the nature of language to evolve, especially slang.

May be something to watch out for, but it also may be nothing.

The good thing is that the parent is aware of it. And knowing the person who sent the message helps too.

[mary]

It's so creepy that I don't even want to think about it.

The woman is seriously disturbed. On the order of "Astronut."

mary

[Willow]

Thanks Shep and elisabeth.

I have to confess at this point that the offender was me... so... with that in mind. would you trust me as a friend again after doing something like that? I have struggled with normalcy all my life. My motives were hidden even to me in the action I took. Not until I was confronted by the father did I realize how terribly inappropriate it was.

I'm truly grateful for all the honest feedback. I posed the question the way I did because I really wanted to hear the gut-honest reactions from all of you.

You are true friends!

[Willow]

Thank you too Mary and Hope.
Your posts came in as I was typing my latest reply.
I'm learning heaps and heaps from this mistake I've made.... I hope I am anyway.

P.S. Knowing it's me... I hope you all will continue to give me feedback. The experience completely humbled and humiliated me. I need some serious help with boundaries if I'm ever going to function socially.

[mary]

Yes! (As to being friends with you; our posts are crossing!) Just because you made one error in judgment does not exclude you from others' friendship!

Amy, I'm still your friend!

Heck, I've done way worse things than that. "An error in judgment" - maybe you're lonely & should get out more... But a bad person, not someone to be friends with?

NEVER!!!! :D:D:D:D

Love,

mary

[Willow]

Yes! (As to being friends with you; our posts are crossing!) Just because you made one error in judgment does not exclude you from others' friendship!

Amy, I'm still your friend!

Heck, I've done way worse things than that. "An error in judgment" - maybe you're lonely & should get out more... But a bad person, not someone to be friends with?

NEVER!!!! :D:D:D:D

Love,

mary

Whew! Thanks Mary... I needed that!

[Elisabeth]

Thanks Shep and elisabeth.

I have to confess at this point that the offender was me... so... with that in mind. would you trust me as a friend again after doing something like that? I have struggled with normalcy all my life. My motives were hidden even to me in the action I took. Not until I was confronted by the father did I realize how terribly inappropriate it was.

I'm truly grateful for all the honest feedback. I posed the question the way I did because I really wanted to hear the gut-honest reactions from all of you.

You are true friends!

Well, the fact that you posed the question the way you did indicates that you realized that it was inappropriate (chucked your brain out the window, maybe?!) I've inadvertantly done some boundary - crossing myself. So, yeah, dust off your hurt pride, girl; you did say you realized you crossed a boundary, and consider it a lesson learned. :D

[Elisabeth]

Well. Egg on my face. I will have to read it again. My Space has never been on my top ten list for surfing. Considering what was read online, that would explain it. My apologies if anyone were offended. I honestly did not catch the problem the first time around.

I wasn't offended. :D

[Willow]

Oh yes... i completely realize it now. Brain lives out the window. :o

[ex-shep]

Thanks Shep and elisabeth.

I have to confess at this point that the offender was me... so... with that in mind. would you trust me as a friend again after doing something like that? I have struggled with normalcy all my life. My motives were hidden even to me in the action I took. Not until I was confronted by the father did I realize how terribly inappropriate it was.

I'm truly grateful for all the honest feedback. I posed the question the way I did because I really wanted to hear the gut-honest reactions from all of you.

You are true friends!

Just because one made a mistake, does not mean he is a mistake.

[Elisabeth]

Just because one made a mistake, does not mean he is a mistake.

I like that! I think we all feel like we are "mistakes" sometimes. :D

[mary]

Just because one made a mistake, does not mean he is a mistake.

Guess what, Ex-Shep? After a lifetime of beating myself up for every little and big mistake I've ever made, I'm FINALLY starting to realize the truth of your single sentence as to myself... That's profound, Ex-Shep, what you wrote: thank you SO MUCH! :D:D:D I don't hold other people's mistakes against them, only my own against myself, and I thought it effectively deprived me of the right to live. But that's stupid, isn't it?

Dearest Amy, just let it go... It was a valuable lesson to learn - but you are still loved - and lovable!

mary

[Elisabeth]

Dearest Amy, just let it go... It was a valuable lesson to learn - but you are still loved - and lovable!



I second that! :D:D

[Hope 98]

Amy - after all the time that I've been reading your posts here, I can EASILY see that it was a matter of poor phrasing - not something ill-intended.

God bless you for your honesty and willingness to share this with us.

Is there anyone in the world who never tasted his own shoe-leather?

[Willow]

Thanks so much ya'll.

[SpinningHead]

I second that! :D:D

I triple that!! :) It takes courage to take responsibility for a brain skip. I admire you!

[yeshua'smags]

Wow, that must have been really embarassing! I was speaking as a parent, not as your friend. As your friend I would be embarassed with you and tried to make you laugh about it. I get what you were trying to say now....it was just the "your dad is hot" thing. I would have thrown up if someone had said that to me when I was 14....:D
Don't sweat it. I have said many, many stupid & embarassing things! Maybe you could apologize to her and try to explain what you were trying to say. That would show the father your integrity....?? Maybe... How did he take it?

[butterfly]

[QUOTE=Willow;50165]

The 14 year old has a myspace account in which her father has her as his top friend.

* I don"t know that much about myspace accounts.
So the girl has an account and the Dad wrote in there that the girl is his top friend??

I had more trouble with she being his top friend.

So all of her friends can read that.?*


"I think your dad is hot. I work for him and can see by how articulate you are in writing that you are as special as he is."

Only trouble I had with the above was the word hot.


[[[[[Amy]]]]]] I am your friend and will be pretty eye.:D
You are brave to admit it was you.

I say things I shouldn"t sometimes also.

I had more trouble with the father writing that his daughter is his top friend. Well she is 14!!!

Maybe nothing about it but that is how I felt by the whole post.

Your friend for a long time Amy.:D:D:D
shilrey

[Willow]

Wow, that must have been really embarassing! I was speaking as a parent, not as your friend.

Actually... I was truly wanting the parent reaction. I am not a parent and have a lack of that kind of protective feeling in me. I really wanted to hear the gut reactions from you all. That's why I phrased it the way I did.

Maybe... How did he take it?

I wouldn't DARE write to her again! LOL! He was very appropriate in how he handled the situation. Told me it was extremely inappropriate and that it was his job as a father to protect his children. Asked me not to do it again. Then forgave me and told me it didn't damage our friendship. That's the amazing part. I'm not sure I believe that yet. I think it damaged my trust in myself quite a lot. It certainly has affected the friendship from that standpoint. I'm jumpy as it is... always thinking I'm going to make the dreaded mistake.

[Willow]

no no shirley... it's OK that he has his daughter on his myspace account. And I think it's wonderful that she's his #1 friend on his list.

It's my job as an adult to have better judgement than to write to a child that doesn't know me... that's the truth. I had no business writing anything at all to her. I can see that now.

No one could see what I wrote to her. It was like a PM... not like a forum.

[Willow]

Thanks Hope... I appreciate that.
I think I've come to the conclusion that it's not good to write to children at all unless they know me personally and both parents know me... not just one parent. I've been treating them like little adults... and they are not little adults. They are children.

Amy - after all the time that I've been reading your posts here, I can EASILY see that it was a matter of poor phrasing - not something ill-intended.

God bless you for your honesty and willingness to share this with us.

Is there anyone in the world who never tasted his own shoe-leather?

[Willow]

Just because one made a mistake, does not mean he is a mistake.

Good point to ponder.

[Anna Marta]

Hi Amy

Sorry for weighing back in again so late. Boundaries are a big deal and there are few people who are as honest as you are when it comes to recognizing, let alone admitting having boundary problems.

In all honesty I would guess that many forum members have a history of boundary identification because of experiences in their early family life. Not a lot of people have had childhoods so secure that their boundaries have not be violated in one way or another.

I was nearly 30 before I was aware of the whole issue and it took years for me to comprehend the impact on my personal life. I spent a lot of time allowing my boundaries to be violated then blaming the violator... because I didn't have the skills to set appropriate boundaries NOR to defend them effectively.

Your sharing of your struggle has increased my respect for you! It is this kind of honesty that helps to sensitize me, help and spur me on with my own personal battles and struggles. Here's to you Amy! :D

Love
Anna Marta

[butterfly]

Thanks Willow for clearing that up for me.
I thought it was a different web site.
She is lucky to have a dad like him.:D

Things will work out for you.:D

I beleave that "Pretty Eye":D:D shirley

[mary]

Your sharing of your struggle has increased my respect for you! It is this kind of honesty that helps to sensitize me, help and spur me on with my own personal battles and struggles. Here's to you Amy! :D

Love
Anna Marta

I second that - and the kudos to Amy!

Amy, you have done one of the most Christian things anyone could ever have done on this board: you have confessed to your brothers and sisters something, and you have allowed us to help you through it. Who says this is not a real fellowship here? How many of us would be this honest? My hat is also off to you! What a testimony you have given!

God bless you, Amy!

mary

[Elisabeth]

Thanks Hope... I appreciate that.
I think I've come to the conclusion that it's not good to write to children at all unless they know me personally and both parents know me... not just one parent. I've been treating them like little adults... and they are not little adults. They are children.

That's what I was thinking - that you were treating her like a little adult. I mean, if I decided a man was hot, I maybe would tell a girl friend, or his sister, or someone like that. Who doesn't like a bit of "girl talk" every so often? :D But I definitely would not tell a child.

[Hope 98]

I was nearly 30 before I was aware of the whole issue and it took years for me to comprehend the impact on my personal life. I spent a lot of time allowing my boundaries to be violated then blaming the violator... because I didn't have the skills to set appropriate boundaries NOR to defend them effectively.

Love
Anna Marta

I think I began to get a clue about boundaries way later than you did and I still don't know where it is reasonable to set them or how to maintain them.

I appreciate how you mention the SKILLS to set them and defend them effective. It really isn't enough to just know that they exist. Learning all of that can take time.