outcast
05-18-2007, 10:10 PM
Hello forumers. :) *hugs*
I haven't been on in a really long time and wanted to give an update on my life as I take the time to vent as well. Hope that's okay. :p
About a month ago, my father passed away from heart failure. We were at the hospital when he died and it was pretty traumatic. We are all dealing with it as well as can be expected, but the experience has definitely added more for me to process as I am already dealing with the SA issues of my old cult.
My dad and I had become pretty close over the last 10 years. He'd become a Christian and our relationship changed from what it was when I was growing up. I really, really miss him. He's the closest person to me who has ever died and in many ways it was like reliving the trauma and grief of leaving my old life in the cult. I really think God used that experience to help me prepare for this one.
On top of that situation, my husband's health has not been so great. He's been diagnosed with high cholesterol/triglycerides and sleep apnea. He's only 36 right now and he's been overweight since we married. I've always been concerned that he would have problems one day with his health and about 3 years ago I was up praying one night and I felt like the Holy Spirit was warning me that he might die. I talked with him about it a year or so ago.
When I shared this with my old abusive pastors they told me that God would never tell me that my husband was going to die. Instead they blamed it on my lack of faith and said that if I didn't pray hard enough for him to change his habits, he would most likely have a stroke and become a vegetable. (Shocking that people can be so ignorant isn't it?)
Anyway, if my hubby changes his habits and has surgery, he has a chance to live past the next few years. I've seen minimal steps taken in this area, although I try to encourage him to eat healthy. I had to realize a few years ago that this is really between him and God rather than my ability to pray him through. I do pray for him, but I've also had to lay him on the proverbial altar.
When I thought that God was warning me about hubby, it was easier to handle than it is right now b/c now I feel like I am watching it come to pass. I'm sure I sound crazy, but seeing as how I am having to walk through this situation, I don't feel like I am crazy, just practical. Of course, having had 3 years to deal with the emotions involved in this has helped.
Both of these situations have stirred up theological issues with me, as you are all probably already aware. I know God is not cursing me for leaving the cult - even though I know that is their opinion. Strangely, as much as these situations are painful, they are also deepening my faith in God. I know he understands my suffering and is the only one who can comfort me right now. I've cried out to him repeatedly over the past year and He's been very good to me despite my desperate circumstances.
If any of you have thoughts about the things I've shared here, please feel free to elaborate. I always enjoy hearing from you fellow forumers. Except for these things, everything else is going well. Although I have had to wonder lately if my middle name isn't Job...
I haven't been on in a really long time and wanted to give an update on my life as I take the time to vent as well. Hope that's okay. :p
About a month ago, my father passed away from heart failure. We were at the hospital when he died and it was pretty traumatic. We are all dealing with it as well as can be expected, but the experience has definitely added more for me to process as I am already dealing with the SA issues of my old cult.
My dad and I had become pretty close over the last 10 years. He'd become a Christian and our relationship changed from what it was when I was growing up. I really, really miss him. He's the closest person to me who has ever died and in many ways it was like reliving the trauma and grief of leaving my old life in the cult. I really think God used that experience to help me prepare for this one.
On top of that situation, my husband's health has not been so great. He's been diagnosed with high cholesterol/triglycerides and sleep apnea. He's only 36 right now and he's been overweight since we married. I've always been concerned that he would have problems one day with his health and about 3 years ago I was up praying one night and I felt like the Holy Spirit was warning me that he might die. I talked with him about it a year or so ago.
When I shared this with my old abusive pastors they told me that God would never tell me that my husband was going to die. Instead they blamed it on my lack of faith and said that if I didn't pray hard enough for him to change his habits, he would most likely have a stroke and become a vegetable. (Shocking that people can be so ignorant isn't it?)
Anyway, if my hubby changes his habits and has surgery, he has a chance to live past the next few years. I've seen minimal steps taken in this area, although I try to encourage him to eat healthy. I had to realize a few years ago that this is really between him and God rather than my ability to pray him through. I do pray for him, but I've also had to lay him on the proverbial altar.
When I thought that God was warning me about hubby, it was easier to handle than it is right now b/c now I feel like I am watching it come to pass. I'm sure I sound crazy, but seeing as how I am having to walk through this situation, I don't feel like I am crazy, just practical. Of course, having had 3 years to deal with the emotions involved in this has helped.
Both of these situations have stirred up theological issues with me, as you are all probably already aware. I know God is not cursing me for leaving the cult - even though I know that is their opinion. Strangely, as much as these situations are painful, they are also deepening my faith in God. I know he understands my suffering and is the only one who can comfort me right now. I've cried out to him repeatedly over the past year and He's been very good to me despite my desperate circumstances.
If any of you have thoughts about the things I've shared here, please feel free to elaborate. I always enjoy hearing from you fellow forumers. Except for these things, everything else is going well. Although I have had to wonder lately if my middle name isn't Job...