battling self injury

[Willow]

I am having difficulty and it's due to this forum.
However... other times it's due to other situations.
I want to hit my head on the wall.
Why does this feel like it would help? I don't know.
I dont' think it helps in the long run.
I'm writing instead of acting.
I'm safe.

[jane]

Willow-
glad your writting and not acting out.......and glad you are not running with scissors any more :p

jane

[Patty]

A. How are you hurting yourself?
B. How is this forum contributing to these feelings?
C. What are your other issues?
D. Are you having suicidal thoughts?

[Willow]

HUGS patty and Jane.
Patty... I'm not injuring myself. I'm writing instead.
Thanks so much for hearing me.
I am triggered by the re-occurance of Jean Luc's disappointment in our forum.
I don't believe in the Bible the way he does and can't. Inerrancy of scripture isn't in my belief system anymore. Jesus is though. But maybe Jesus isn't either. I dunno... it scrambles my brain. When I feel like that I want to smash my head on the wall to make it stop.

I'm not suicidal. I would never EVER do that to my dad after my mom suiciding Jan 2006. Other issues? people who guilt me trigger the self injury stuff. It doesn't even have to make sense. I had some woman telling me to call her farrier and curse him out for her today. I told her no... and felt like a bad friend. Go figure???? Why on earth would I feel guilty for that/???

Jane... I seem to have graduated from running with scissors :)

[abbey]

Im praying for you willow!:)

[overcomer]

i brought the JL thing to the front. really never knew it was such a tough issue, or something folks didn't want brought up. had no idea. i did not know it would do that to you. forums are on here for folks to write on, converse on, and that was one that had touched me in interest.
hate that feeling of wanting to split my head. i hate however the enemy is oppressing you, maybe been there, though i know we really can't feel eachother's exact pain the way the Lord does.
surely God doesn't do that to us. there is guilt but there's false guilt, too, sure is hard to distinguish sometimes. i learned something the last time it happened badly. one good, very good thing i learned and it helps to remember, something secure to know - if the feeling overwhelms you, it is not of God. found that out by searching the scriptures. you won't find the Holy Spirit overwhelming anybody, it doesn't happen. He doesn't overpower them mentally or physically, His voice is different.
so if you are sensing hopelessness or something overwhelming, please rest assured that it is not God pushing you around.
He's not beating you up. now He may talk to us through the whole thing, but He's not beating us up. He won't break a bruised person, won't bruise a broken person. He did that in Jesus already and it's done and finished.
that crazy feeling we get when oppressed - remember that fleshy entity inside us resists being loved, too. it resists us loving ourselves. it resists God loving us.
it's part of the enemy's family of the world the flesh and the devil, and it resists being loved on and talked to. "talked to."
that's what they won't do - the ones who SA. alot of times, they won't really talk to you - oh, they talk about you, mostly in secret. but they won't come to the light lest their deeds be known and shown to be wrong. that's how they do it. it's weird.
rough stuff.
i've really been through the ringer to tell you the truth.
really been through the ringer. in a big, loud but secretive way. big guns came after me, big religious guns if you know what i mean. so i cannot say or describe much at all. it went on for about 8 years in secret, but i could sense it, then they sprung when they thought they saw a chance. 'we better show them she's not worth talking to, just in case she talks about what happened.' that type of thing.
still have my days of hurting, too, because i trusted them with personal things of my life, then the whip the far out of me for upsetting the preacher.
well he needed upsetting. he's mean and indescrete and says things he shouldn't, and - he lies. there ya go.
it was pretty rough though. when they have a name, oh goodness, it's rough when they mess up. when they mess you over, and they know that you know it, and they think you'll tell.
mercy it's bad. it was just horrifying the actions they took, mind control actions. the second time, thankfully i wouldn't go for it, i got out of there.
oh, i'm so glad to be out of there.

but God did some things, and i'm telling you i know God more now than ever before. i've heard from Him now more than ever before. i've seen Him more now than ever, ever before and He aint done yet. this has been so cool.
have to be thankful for everything somehow. God will redeem it all. He'll restore the years that the locust has eaten.

there you go - that's a scripture i'll speak for you - God, dear Father, dear Jesus, restore the years that the locust has eaten for this dear one. for all of us. restore the years that the locust has eaten. speak it out to Him. Spoken Word was how the universe came to exist. Through speaking the Living Word. isn't that neat??? that's why He says Jesus was there at the beginning - and by Him all things were created that were made! It's by the Spoken Living Word! How's that for neat stuff to think about. God's word is an amazing thing, and i'm not saying this to push anybody around, I'm still learning all kinds of stuff myself and will continue to - but He's just been blowing the enemy's shorts off with this fellowship the past few years, it's been neat and yes, it's grounded in HIs word. so i get excited because i know everything really REAL.

hope you can heal soon, and may the Lord speak healing over you. Remember He rejoices over you with singing, He quiets you with His love, may you rest in Him. (from Zephaniah 3:17)
great, great words.
i remember getting really, really involved in another forum before a few years back, emotionally involved, and it just wasn't what the Lord wanted, though He did work through it to bring me good and teach me. but i did really need to hear Him rather than seek other's help all the time. but He showed me that as much as i wanted them to help, they were not my shepherd.

I really had to obey and just get on with His life that is in me. God is big!needed to do the things He's asked me to do in obedience, for Him, for my family, for my friends, etc.
And to know HIM. Jeremiah 9:23-24
Thankful for this outlet to be used from time to time, i just must keep main focus on Jesus and what is true, what He's given me.

WILLOW, and OTHERS, GOD LOVES YOU VERY, VERY MUCH.
HE - IS - REAL.
AND HE LOVES US VERY, VERY MUCH.

[Turtle]

((((((((((((((((Willow))))))))))))))))))))

[mary]

HUGS patty and Jane.
Patty... I'm not injuring myself. I'm writing instead.
Thanks so much for hearing me.
I am triggered by the re-occurance of Jean Luc's disappointment in our forum.
I don't believe in the Bible the way he does and can't. Inerrancy of scripture isn't in my belief system anymore. Jesus is though. But maybe Jesus isn't either. I dunno... it scrambles my brain. When I feel like that I want to smash my head on the wall to make it stop.

I'm not suicidal. I would never EVER do that to my dad after my mom suiciding Jan 2006. Other issues? people who guilt me trigger the self injury stuff. It doesn't even have to make sense. I had some woman telling me to call her farrier and curse him out for her today. I told her no... and felt like a bad friend. Go figure???? Why on earth would I feel guilty for that/???

Jane... I seem to have graduated from running with scissors :)

((((Amy)))),

You bet I'm praying for you!!!! :) :)

I'm so glad you're here - even though I know you're triggered by the reappearance of Jean-Luc's thread - and you're using us as your sounding board. We're here for you, as you know...

I know about self-injury; I've had a problem with it since I was 4. My "father" used to throw me into walls, etc., and he'd laugh and get a huge kick out of it when I'd cut myself with my toys - on purpose. Then I started doing it in private... Long, upsetting story... :( :( :( :(

No one can believe that the Bible is inerrant unless it's "given" to them... If you don't, then you can't be castigating yourself for it. Ozzie did and does believe it; I do, too, but I know that it's not of my own doing. I still struggle with, how can God love me? Bible says He does.

And God loves you, even if you haven't reached the point in which you believe in the inerrancy of Scripture. If you can just hang onto His love, He'll bring you through this. He is trustworthy! :) :) :)

Love,

mary

[Willow]

Thanks ya'll... I feel MUCH better today and am going to take care not to get back in a funk again. I hate it when that happens and feel really silly today.

Love you folks!
Amy

[Willow]

Hey overcomer... I feel SOOOO much better today. Thanks for your post to me on this. We stumble onto trigger points sometimes accidentally. I happened to be in a vulnerable spot last night for whatever reason. I surely appreciate your response and prayer my friend.

Amy

[mary]

Thanks ya'll... I feel MUCH better today and am going to take care not to get back in a funk again. I hate it when that happens and feel really silly today.

Love you folks!
Amy

Amy, you need never, ever "feel silly" here!!!! (Unless we get into one of our "joky" threads - :D :D :D :D :D - in which "silly" is most appropriate! :) :p :p )

mary

[Anna Marta]

Hey Amy

Your avatar says "Wherever I go, there I am."

Thankful that you dare to share where you are! Your honesty makes it easier for others to dare to share. Not only that, but we don't get much support or prayer when we don't tell others what we need.

I have a lot of respect for you!!! Praying

Love
Anna Marta

[hornblower]

i brought the JL thing to the front. really never knew it was such a tough issue, or something folks didn't want brought up. had no idea. i did not know it would do that to you. forums are on here for folks to write on, converse on, and that was one that had touched me in interest.
hate that feeling of wanting to split my head. i hate however the enemy is oppressing you, maybe been there, though i know we really can't feel eachother's exact pain the way the Lord does.
surely God doesn't do that to us. there is guilt but there's false guilt, too, sure is hard to distinguish sometimes. i learned something the last time it happened badly. one good, very good thing i learned and it helps to remember, something secure to know - if the feeling overwhelms you, it is not of God. found that out by searching the scriptures. you won't find the Holy Spirit overwhelming anybody, it doesn't happen. He doesn't overpower them mentally or physically, His voice is different.
so if you are sensing hopelessness or something overwhelming, please rest assured that it is not God pushing you around.
He's not beating you up. now He may talk to us through the whole thing, but He's not beating us up. He won't break a bruised person, won't bruise a broken person. He did that in Jesus already and it's done and finished.
that crazy feeling we get when oppressed - remember that fleshy entity inside us resists being loved, too. it resists us loving ourselves. it resists God loving us.
it's part of the enemy's family of the world the flesh and the devil, and it resists being loved on and talked to. "talked to."
that's what they won't do - the ones who SA. alot of times, they won't really talk to you - oh, they talk about you, mostly in secret. but they won't come to the light lest their deeds be known and shown to be wrong. that's how they do it. it's weird.
rough stuff.
i've really been through the ringer to tell you the truth.
really been through the ringer. in a big, loud but secretive way. big guns came after me, big religious guns if you know what i mean. so i cannot say or describe much at all. it went on for about 8 years in secret, but i could sense it, then they sprung when they thought they saw a chance. 'we better show them she's not worth talking to, just in case she talks about what happened.' that type of thing.
still have my days of hurting, too, because i trusted them with personal things of my life, then the whip the far out of me for upsetting the preacher.
well he needed upsetting. he's mean and indescrete and says things he shouldn't, and - he lies. there ya go.
it was pretty rough though. when they have a name, oh goodness, it's rough when they mess up. when they mess you over, and they know that you know it, and they think you'll tell.
mercy it's bad. it was just horrifying the actions they took, mind control actions. the second time, thankfully i wouldn't go for it, i got out of there.
oh, i'm so glad to be out of there.

but God did some things, and i'm telling you i know God more now than ever before. i've heard from Him now more than ever before. i've seen Him more now than ever, ever before and He aint done yet. this has been so cool.
have to be thankful for everything somehow. God will redeem it all. He'll restore the years that the locust has eaten.

there you go - that's a scripture i'll speak for you - God, dear Father, dear Jesus, restore the years that the locust has eaten for this dear one. for all of us. restore the years that the locust has eaten. speak it out to Him. Spoken Word was how the universe came to exist. Through speaking the Living Word. isn't that neat??? that's why He says Jesus was there at the beginning - and by Him all things were created that were made! It's by the Spoken Living Word! How's that for neat stuff to think about. God's word is an amazing thing, and i'm not saying this to push anybody around, I'm still learning all kinds of stuff myself and will continue to - but He's just been blowing the enemy's shorts off with this fellowship the past few years, it's been neat and yes, it's grounded in HIs word. so i get excited because i know everything really REAL.

hope you can heal soon, and may the Lord speak healing over you. Remember He rejoices over you with singing, He quiets you with His love, may you rest in Him. (from Zephaniah 3:17)
great, great words.
i remember getting really, really involved in another forum before a few years back, emotionally involved, and it just wasn't what the Lord wanted, though He did work through it to bring me good and teach me. but i did really need to hear Him rather than seek other's help all the time. but He showed me that as much as i wanted them to help, they were not my shepherd.

I really had to obey and just get on with His life that is in me. God is big!needed to do the things He's asked me to do in obedience, for Him, for my family, for my friends, etc.
And to know HIM. Jeremiah 9:23-24
Thankful for this outlet to be used from time to time, i just must keep main focus on Jesus and what is true, what He's given me.

WILLOW, and OTHERS, GOD LOVES YOU VERY, VERY MUCH.
HE - IS - REAL.
AND HE LOVES US VERY, VERY MUCH.


Can I correct something here, I say correct, what I mean is this is what I in my deepest being, my heart of hearts know, that I know, that I know this, understand if you dont want to join in on that believing that I have absolutely no problemo at all and I so mean that!
I just would like to clarify one thing that you ahve said here for you to maybe think upon..................Jesus was and IS God right? So why does anyone say that God did this cross thing to Him? He didnt do it! He didnt do it and He doesnt do it to us either. I say this because the word clearly states that God is our GOOD Father and that He is LOVE! Do good Fathers put their sons on crosses? Of course not. No this cross thing it wasnt Gods design not at all it was satans design all of the way. Satan is the rebellion away from God and he wants to take us with him all the way to hell because he is nothing but lying and contempt and disatisfaction with Gods presence, he is the murduring liar that always trys to murder us. This entire world with everything in it would have been completely destroyed had it not been for Gods merciful love for us and all that He created. satan tempted us from the beginning to turn away from this love God has for us the right ways of living so that we would l9ove each other and the jews have never understood what God is trully about thats why Jesus came to straighten it all out. I know my friend that you know these things I can tell that you do except for that one little comment that I can no longer let slip by about God letting Jesus die on the cross.............the world cannot understand how a loving God could do this type of thing and well they shouldnt understand! Its sort of crazy and its beyond abusive so we've got to, for once and for all, get this thing straight in our minds.
God is NOT the one who put Jesus on the cross and He never left His Son not once in fact Jesus said 'you all will leave me, but I still have my Father with ME! Why is that? He said that because GOD NEVER left Him there on that cross. God went right there with HIM!
I just have to share this and go ahead and bring an argument if you want too but Im telling you, I know this is true............take what you have been taught out of the picture and just read the word and this is clearly what it is saying.
I know personally that God was there on the cross because He showed me that He was. Big time!
This IS the mystery............God died that death for us yes He did right along with His Son He paid for our sins............you cannot seperate the Father from the Son...........they are ONE!
Gods enemy is the one that tries to murder us, the enemy of God and our own sick souls that seeks to destroy us, yes we even seelk to destroy ourselves just so we can escape this sickness in this world...........Gos sees us and knows us and this is why He came to save us and for once try to help us see who He really is.
We cant read the bible or believe in it because of the sick trash we have been fed in these churches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[hornblower]

Willow I love you and I hurt for Jean Luc too and I do agree with him but what he couldnt see is that God is so far reaching. He was hurt he was misunderstood and he got injured pure and simple but if he wouldnt have left he would have known how much we love him.
He had a rule inside of him, we all do have some rules and we put them there ourselves. Sometimes we just cant get free from our rules. His rule was to not associate with anyone that didnt believe in the bible.
I cant find that verse?
LOL!
I dont think its in there. Maybe the one about false teaching applies I dont know but anyway.............I know God is with him where ever he is because I have so much love for him. I have lost several friends on here long ago. They believed this or that so they left because they got into it with someone. Im not saying it wont happen to me it almost did not long ago so Im sure it can happen to me again!
Its all so sad.
Weve got to get stronger Willow somehow we've got to get that way and go on. This is a long journey and we need each other but we need God more we cant turn our backs on HIM. If we do that we will be turning our backs on the good things inside of us, the good work Jesus started inside of us, that healing He wants us to have.
I think if he would have looked further into himself he would have seen some other hurts inside of there that others were touching and thats what needed to be dealt with we all have to be so gentle with each other dont you think we do?
Anyway I love you and I know about the cutting thing, dont worry about appearances or any othat BS on here! Just be you, I love you, all of you, and want the best for you ok?

[overcomer]

that's ok. have a great day. look for fun things that the Lord has made. there's a squirrel outside the window here right now, at the bird-feeder, he's giving down-the-road to anybody listening, it's hilarious. tail just twitching everywhere, chitter chattering - 'don't nobody come near this feeder, it's mine, i am the king of the hill'. little white belly showing. ha!
they get in tussles sometimes and run up and down the trees, trying to punch eachother's lights out. it's funny.
ya gotta share the feeder little guy! other squirrels need it too! it aint just your'n. he took off.
and now here's a big blue-jay out there now, big, pretty blue one calling out. wow - this is cool! never seen one up this close, spreading it's wings all out and stretching. he's pretty!

well better go take the doggie out and then get started on stickering items for the...."Yard Sale".
....a dirty word to some, a hallelujah word to others.
:)

have a blessed day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!

let's spread our wings and fly. the prince of the power of the air is nothing next to the God Almighty of the universe. Isaiah 40:25-31
a blessed, glory verse!

[overcomer]

Can I correct something here, I say correct, what I mean is this is what I in my deepest being, my heart of hearts know, that I know, that I know this, understand if you dont want to join in on that believing that I have absolutely no problemo at all and I so mean that!
I just would like to clarify one thing that you ahve said here for you to maybe think upon..................Jesus was and IS God right? So why does anyone say that God did this cross thing to Him? He didnt do it! He didnt do it and He doesnt do it to us either. I say this because the word clearly states that God is our GOOD Father and that He is LOVE! Do good Fathers put their sons on crosses? Of course not. No this cross thing it wasnt Gods design not at all it was satans design all of the way. Satan is the rebellion away from God and he wants to take us with him all the way to hell because he is nothing but lying and contempt and disatisfaction with Gods presence, he is the murduring liar that always trys to murder us. This entire world with everything in it would have been completely destroyed had it not been for Gods merciful love for us and all that He created. satan tempted us from the beginning to turn away from this love God has for us the right ways of living so that we would l9ove each other and the jews have never understood what God is trully about thats why Jesus came to straighten it all out. I know my friend that you know these things I can tell that you do except for that one little comment that I can no longer let slip by about God letting Jesus die on the cross.............the world cannot understand how a loving God could do this type of thing and well they shouldnt understand! Its sort of crazy and its beyond abusive so we've got to, for once and for all, get this thing straight in our minds.
God is NOT the one who put Jesus on the cross and He never left His Son not once in fact Jesus said 'you all will leave me, but I still have my Father with ME! Why is that? He said that because GOD NEVER left Him there on that cross. God went right there with HIM!
I just have to share this and go ahead and bring an argument if you want too but Im telling you, I know this is true............take what you have been taught out of the picture and just read the word and this is clearly what it is saying.
I know personally that God was there on the cross because He showed me that He was. Big time!
This IS the mystery............God died that death for us yes He did right along with His Son He paid for our sins............you cannot seperate the Father from the Son...........they are ONE!
Gods enemy is the one that tries to murder us, the enemy of God and our own sick souls that seeks to destroy us, yes we even seelk to destroy ourselves just so we can escape this sickness in this world...........Gos sees us and knows us and this is why He came to save us and for once try to help us see who He really is.
We cant read the bible or believe in it because of the sick trash we have been fed in these churches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

just got a few minutes, but hornblower, friend, i believe God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit are Three in One. I don't know where you're getting that i don't believe that. i believe what the Word says, and I believe They Each are Holy. amen :)
i guess you feel you must correct me, and for whatever reason, that's for you to consider, and it's fine. sometimes it takes writing it all down to know where we stand in something. God works in mysterious ways.
I believe it was God Himself, who loved us this much, to reconcile us to Himself by dying on the cross for us. Isaiah 53. this is what scripture says. i am reading that in verse 10 especially, but all throughout that passage it says so. gotta go with scripture, because it stands above any forum or any body's words for that matter. just the way it is, and aren't we glad.
you and me will be long gone, and God's word stands. i'll choose to stand in it.

as i read it, I believe the sacrifices throughout history looked forward toward the death of Christ. who killed the animal to cover the nakedness of adam and eve, who caused that? this looked forward to God's love fulfilled in His Son dying for us. we needed reconciliation by great power, bigger than sin, bigger than the devil. and it's SO COOL that God loves us this much that He became flesh to die for us. the fathers looked forward to this, that's why it was called faith in Hebrews 11. by faith.
that's what i believe and the Word will have to show me correction because what you're saying as correction, though it has the word love in it, it just doesn't add up as big as God's Love for me by John 3:16, and i don't mean to hurt you at all by saying that. not at all. God is God alone, and it's just when He says it, it just sounds really right. I'll stick with what He says, because i honestly believe He's good, and His love is bigger than our words. and scripture is pure. satan tried to twist it when he was tempting Jesus, but Jesus knew it, He is the Word.

i understand the thing about having a tough time reading scripture for awhile, i really do, i went through that. but there are levels of recovery, and i don't think i'm where you're at right now. i think that's okay, and that's what this forum is about, it is meant for alot of folks, many at different stages, right?
it's not for just a few, if it was under control of a few, then it would be abusive. and from the looks of the front page, i don't think that's what it's intent is.

for me, i'm seeing His Word, and it's been fabulous. we can fall back on His word, and i see it in light that He is good.
but that's what satan wants to twist, that's what he did with adam and eve - he tried to get them to thinking God wasn't being good to them for not letting them eat the fruit of the other tree. he tried to twist God's words to them - "did God indeed say.." he tried to make them think God was making them miss out of good things.

I'm seeing a REALLY loving and Holy God who 'delivered, delivers, and will deliver again'. I'm seeing a word called 'repentance' in a whole new light, and i'm seeing a very, very big God who breaks through to where we are to deliver us from evil.
i'm seeing a God who is in control and who made things long before we thought of them.
like bulldozers. they're in our body for pete's sake, aint that neat??
little bulldozers and ratchets and backhoes and machines that do all kinds of necessary things. man can't come up with this stuff, it's already all been done. and He let's man see a few things in his imagination, and we copy what He does and create. but God is BIGGEST. His love is Biggest.
praise God, there is hope. Praise the pure Lord. thank God there's a pure, holy, set-apart-from-sin Lord.
He busted the dickens out of satan's plan when He loved us so much that He sent His only begotten Son to die for our sins. now how can satan defeat that??
We deserve death, but His Love is bigger than sin's power and the law, and when we choose Him, oh, on our knees we can praise the Lord and He is available.
Quick Restorer, Mighty God is He.

[ex-shep]

Hey overcomer... I feel SOOOO much better today. Thanks for your post to me on this. We stumble onto trigger points sometimes accidentally. I happened to be in a vulnerable spot last night for whatever reason. I surely appreciate your response and prayer my friend.

Amy


Nothing to be ashamed of. It is part of the recovery process. Pyshic occurances and triggers will happen. It is part and parcel. The fact that you recognized it and reached out puts you points ahead. Glad to hear you are doing better.

[overcomer]

okay, what does my username coming up in bold red mean? just started happening again.
- just checked private messages, i didn't see any, but it seems to be gone now.
i don't understand the workings of this site, but oh well.
just taking a break from the ...yard sale...

[overcomer]

by the way, have any of you noticed that A&W rootbeer is tons better when you get it in the new dark brown bottle? the old fashioned looking one, it's not in all stores, but it's out there. now that's rootbeer, the kind howard sprague was probably talking to andy and the boys about.
it's a thousand times better than the can or the clear bottle, or especially the 2 liter.
it's REALLY good. check it out sometime.

[Willow]

((((((((((((((((anna marta, hornblower, ex-shep, overcomer, mary)))))))))))))
Big hugs to ya'll. I so appreciate ya'll letting me talk it out last night. I slept like a baby and woke up feeling OK again. what a rollercoaster ride!

[Willow]

I'm not big on root beer anymore. I used to like frosty root beer as a kid though. Remember that?

by the way, have any of you noticed that A&W rootbeer is tons better when you get it in the new dark brown bottle? the old fashioned looking one, it's not in all stores, but it's out there. now that's rootbeer, the kind howard sprague was probably talking to andy and the boys about.
it's a thousand times better than the can or the clear bottle, or especially the 2 liter.
it's REALLY good. check it out sometime.

[Elisabeth]

Thanks ya'll... I feel MUCH better today and am going to take care not to get back in a funk again. I hate it when that happens and feel really silly today.

Love you folks!
Amy

Amy,
One of the things that would get me feeling so alone was when something at church would "trigger" me, and not one of my friends would understand it. I understand completely about triggers. I'm glad that you feel so much better today! So keep on keeping on, girl!
Have a good one.

[Willow]

Thanks Elisabeth!

[mary]

(((((((Amy!)))))))

Love,

mary :) :) :)

[Willow]

:) ;) :p mary