How to help my girlfriend?

[goldenfish]

I m in love with a woman and we kinda dating for about one year up to now, recently she gets more healing from her past, suddenly tell me that she actually can not love a man, I already find her has an issue to get closer to a man, How to help her more?Here is her life .

Her dad was jailed for some reasons and then got psy issues, beated everyone in her family ,she was a lonely kid and also was received bad treatment from other elders, sexually abused by her uncle's friends,but she got good education cuz her dad was a teacher and wanted the kids to study for future. So this part is good. But she buried her psy issues for too long, and dated a few guys, all just also sick mentally, one is an guy her father age, and that is an adultery, when she was v desperated and also body sick, she could not go home, this man offered her a shelter and she devoted herself to him. They were together for almost 7 years,and this man divorced later,but since that man's family is from some high officials, they could not accept her, she finally left but became v bitter and got deeply depression. She still can not work right now, living in a room and getting healing from God slowly. She says this man is still a big stone in her heart, this man is the one has helped her a lot in her life, if without his financial help etc she maybe died from disease and stress already. So now I m not sure what she is really thinking in her head. I asked if she wanted to marry him ? She says not anymore , but she still cares, and not sure how to help him cuz he also v lonely and living far by only himself now, she feels he is v old and feeling duty for him.

So if this man still alive, and she always feeling so sorry for what she has done to him, of course she can not move on her life....

[goldenfish]

I have also asked if she still loves him, she says no, she says she can die for her parents, her sisters, for me, etc, but she can not love anyone, she can only love herself but also not know how to love........i do not understand.... I just ask her if she still wants to live in fear ? she says she wants to learn to love, but hard and slow. everyday she has a lot nite mares.

[Elisabeth]

Sounds like your girlfriend might need professional help. Also, if she feels responsible to this older man because of what she did to him, she feels misplaced guilt. Since you say that he was as old as her father, he must have been at least in his mid forties. He had been around for long enough to realize that if he said the right things to a young desparate woman, she would latch onto him. She wasn't the one who caused his divorce; he did it himself!

[DarkChoirBoy74]

I REMEMBER MY LAST GF...IT SEEMED TO BE GOING WELL UNTIL SHE STARTING GETTING HEAVILY INVOLVED IN THE MUSIC MINISTRY. I BROKE UP WITH HER RIGHT BEFORE I SHIPPED OFF FOR BASIC TRAINING. I DIDN'T LIKE HOW SHE COULD JUST COME AND GO AS SHE PLEASED AND THEN GETTING UPSET BECAUSE I WOULDN'T ALLOW HER TO WATCH OVER MY PLACE WHILE I WAS GONE. THE WHOLE GF THING HASN'T DONE ME ANY GOOD IN PREPARING FOR MARRIAGE AND I DON'T SEE THE POINT IN IT ANY LONGER.

[Willow]

Goldenfish,

I think your girlfriend is very fortunate to have someone like you who cares for her so deeply. Remember that she has to work through her own issues though. I'm concerned that your own mental health will suffer because of worrying for her.

[goldenfish]

Well, I just hope I can at least help her some. That man is in 50s, my girlfriend is in 30s, i m younger than her. Yes, she feels guilty so she wants to pay responsible for his later life, at least in financial part. Then i ask how about his former wife? she is also a victim, she says she can only do what she can, she can not reach out so far to the woman,so she needs to take care of the man.
She is seeing a counselor, it helps her a lot , she used to be even worse and worse.

[goldenfish]

She just told me that deep down she feels so starving for a father figure male as a boyfriend still, she feels it is mental trouble, but can not control herself feelings. and minds unstable and pain. So she is still suffering from lacking father love and attention from childhood? or she mixing everything together so she finally can not love

[wolfen]

She just told me that deep down she feels so starving for a father figure male as a boyfriend still, she feels it is mental trouble, but can not control herself feelings. and minds unstable and pain. So she is still suffering from lacking father love and attention from childhood? or she mixing everything together so she finally can not love

I have a lot of experience with situations like yours. It is very sad to watch people self destruct, and you have my sympathy. I think you would benefit from talking with a counselor, yourself.

You are referring to this person as your girlfriend. I have to ask you: what are you getting out of this relationship? Just as there are troubled people who need to draw others to serve them, there are people compelled to serve troubled people. But this is typically the basis for an occupation or altruistic effort, and not the basis for a healthy intimate relationship. She is already showing you that she can't love YOU the way YOU NEED right now, and yet you are feeling compelled to pursue a romantic relationship. This seems extremely unhealthy.

I will pray this situation works out for the best for both of you. I don't pretend to have answers, but I am more concerned for you than I am for your friend right now.

[Elisabeth]

Well, I just hope I can at least help her some. That man is in 50s, my girlfriend is in 30s, i m younger than her. Yes, she feels guilty so she wants to pay responsible for his later life, at least in financial part. Then i ask how about his former wife? she is also a victim, she says she can only do what she can, she can not reach out so far to the woman,so she needs to take care of the man.
She is seeing a counselor, it helps her a lot , she used to be even worse and worse.

Do see a counselor, Goldenfish! This woman has a lot of problems, perhaps she just needs you as a friend right now. You have a lot of love in your heart, but it seems to me that having a "boyfriend", with what she told you, might not be something she really needs right now.

[Elisabeth]

Goldenfish,

You can't fix her. As much as you love her, as much as you want to, you can't fix her. :( She has to go through that journey herself. It might take years of counseling. :(
I have gone through a lot of mental instability, depression, and counseling myself because of my abuse, and have made some great strides. :) One thing that would hurt me the worst when I was the furthest down was those people who would try to fix me, and then get frustrated with me because they couldn't fix me. She needs people who will stand by her; like I said in my previous, maybe she just needs you as a friend; and not pressure her to get over it, or make her feel bad or feel like she's letting others down because she can't yet get over it. I'm sure she's really frustrated herself because she knows that she has problems, she can't get over them, and wonders if she ever will be able to. :) And knowing that you need love, and being unable to love, is one of the worst feelings in the world.