ex-shep
05-12-2007, 11:06 AM
Of course we had to deal with the nemesis that was anger. It was part and parcel of the recovery process. It was part of the grieving process, even though we wish we hide and be denial. It was nice until a smart member or wise mentor reminded us that denial was not a river in Egypt. There does come a time where we could no longer stay stuck in anger. For those of us who had the added burden of addiction to drugs and alcohol, it was even graver. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous reminds that “Resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else”. There is nothing more tiresome than one bemoaning everything that was wrong with the group and that everyone involved with the group was corrupt all people are this and that ad naseam. Suddenly the mumbling drunk in the back of the bus sounded appealing. It would be nice to firebomb the headquarters of our group. It was tempting to not get mad, get even: however spending the rest of life in prison for “getting even” was something that neither our higher power nor society would approve. Faced with the consequences of staying stuck in resentment, it was better to just find out with whom we were angry, why and why were we feeling that way.
There was no magic way to list. Some would write paragraph after paragraph. Some would outline. Some would buy recovery workbooks. The list below describes some of the issues that left us hurt and angry:
Anger/Resentment
At the group
Loss of time spent in the group
Loss of finances
Abused suffered
Post group hurt
We are out and have to suffer while our old friends are still oblivious
Belief in a higher power or God is smashed.
The above was not the most definitive list. Much more could be added, but it did give us a point of reference.
We listed our resentments as far back as we could remember -- pre-group, in-group, and post group. If we had a hint of anger, a pinch of rage, or even the slighting perception of anger or hurt, we wrote it down. We listed the most important, “my leader abused me” to the most minuscule and trivial “they ran out of Teddy Bears at the store”
“Why do we have to go through with this drabble?”, some still complained. Our friends in Alcoholics Anonymous reminded us the admonition from their Big Book :
To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got. The usual outcome was people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore…. As in war, the victor only seemed to win, our moments of triumph were short lived. It is plain that a life includes deep resentments leads only to futility and unhappiness.
Given that prospect, acknowledging, listing, and asking that our resentments be removed became a whale of an incentive. It was important to clean our side of the street. What was our part in the cultic debacle and what could we do to pick up the pieces and move on. Given our pain and abuse suffered, that forgiveness could be, for many, a long time coming; but it was not an excuse for staying stuck. The writers of the AA Big stressed forgiveness by reminding us we were sick and we were with sick people. There was benefit from the prayer, “This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done” Some had to amend the prayer to include the group, leaders, institution; the point is we wanted to move on.
There was the major sticking point of fear. The fears were numerous. The list could include: fear of retribution, fear of being pulled back into the group, and fear of the unknown. What the future held, we did not know. It was certainly far better than where we had been. We listed everything of which we were afraid. We were reminded of the acronym F.E.A.R. There are two versions. The first is False Expectations Appear Real. The latter was Face Everyone and Recover. Within the context of supportive fellowship, we could acknowledge the former group bogeymen and with the assurance of those who could share their experience, strength and hope.
It was also necessary to look at the nature of our relationships. Once again we looked at pre-group, in-group and post group. Did we come from broken homes, which might have left us vulnerable for destructive group recruitment? Were there destructive trends with our colleagues and leaders? How did our group involvement affect our relationships with friends outside of the groups, or parents, children or spouses? There was often time a group imposed abdication of self. We were taught to avoid, or at least keep at arms length those not willing to completely submitted and committed to the will of the group. Who was hurt by our involvement? The amends making process would come later. We would find relief and forgiveness. For now, we were concerned with how the group distorted our relationships and what could we do to get it right.
Another burden needing of shredding was the dishonesty in the name of the group. Many of our group advocated deception in recruiting or hiding the facts. Some were dishonest with financial affairs. We rationalized, minimized, denied or outright lied in the name of the group. Our morals and consciences were getting the best of us. We felt ashamed of the deception and false face we kept. To clear our consciences and the burden of deception, again we listed away. There was a temptation to omit an item out of fear or shame; but if it walked like a duck, talked like a duck, and had feathers like a duck, then it was a duck. It did not matter whether it was a fine wine, beer or a Bowery concoction, alcohol was alcohol. A lie was a lie. It was important to remind ourselves that this exercise was to clean house and not beat ourselves up over our misdeeds. We did not know what we know now. We were deceived and we were playing the con we were instructed. We had to forgive ourselves.
We gave ourselves permission to remember the good times. It were not fun at times, we would have not have stayed as long as we did. As long as it did not undermine our recovery, it was fine to take a stroll down memory lane. Our mentors and comrades in recovery reminded us to be good to ourselves. It was okay to take a gentleness break. We no longer needed permission to stop and smell the roses, allergies permitting.
Like any scrupulous corporation printing the annual report, we were honest with our profits and losses. We listed the “numbers. We came clean and held nothing back. It is also important that a reputable corporation will list their profits and what the last year was like. Picking up the analogy, what did we profit from our experiences in our group. First and foremost we were out and we were in recovery. We could see how experiences could help others. Some learned domestic skills, which could be transferable, job skills. Some were in positions of leadership and learned to manage time, people and resources. Some worked long hours for group projects. Some were good with children. As we listed away, we could see we had marketable skills we take with us. We took our assets and our liabilities and our profits and our losses and listed them side-by-side
The inventory is an exhausting and exhaustive process.
Some thought they would suffer terminal writers cramps. The good news is there was an end to the process. [Of course new issues might come up in the future which would make taking inventory again a worthwhile emotional investment] There came a point where we knew we got everything to disk, paper, or papyri. We finished cleaning house. It was time to take out the trash. That brought us to step 5.
There was no magic way to list. Some would write paragraph after paragraph. Some would outline. Some would buy recovery workbooks. The list below describes some of the issues that left us hurt and angry:
Anger/Resentment
At the group
Loss of time spent in the group
Loss of finances
Abused suffered
Post group hurt
We are out and have to suffer while our old friends are still oblivious
Belief in a higher power or God is smashed.
The above was not the most definitive list. Much more could be added, but it did give us a point of reference.
We listed our resentments as far back as we could remember -- pre-group, in-group, and post group. If we had a hint of anger, a pinch of rage, or even the slighting perception of anger or hurt, we wrote it down. We listed the most important, “my leader abused me” to the most minuscule and trivial “they ran out of Teddy Bears at the store”
“Why do we have to go through with this drabble?”, some still complained. Our friends in Alcoholics Anonymous reminded us the admonition from their Big Book :
To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got. The usual outcome was people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore…. As in war, the victor only seemed to win, our moments of triumph were short lived. It is plain that a life includes deep resentments leads only to futility and unhappiness.
Given that prospect, acknowledging, listing, and asking that our resentments be removed became a whale of an incentive. It was important to clean our side of the street. What was our part in the cultic debacle and what could we do to pick up the pieces and move on. Given our pain and abuse suffered, that forgiveness could be, for many, a long time coming; but it was not an excuse for staying stuck. The writers of the AA Big stressed forgiveness by reminding us we were sick and we were with sick people. There was benefit from the prayer, “This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done” Some had to amend the prayer to include the group, leaders, institution; the point is we wanted to move on.
There was the major sticking point of fear. The fears were numerous. The list could include: fear of retribution, fear of being pulled back into the group, and fear of the unknown. What the future held, we did not know. It was certainly far better than where we had been. We listed everything of which we were afraid. We were reminded of the acronym F.E.A.R. There are two versions. The first is False Expectations Appear Real. The latter was Face Everyone and Recover. Within the context of supportive fellowship, we could acknowledge the former group bogeymen and with the assurance of those who could share their experience, strength and hope.
It was also necessary to look at the nature of our relationships. Once again we looked at pre-group, in-group and post group. Did we come from broken homes, which might have left us vulnerable for destructive group recruitment? Were there destructive trends with our colleagues and leaders? How did our group involvement affect our relationships with friends outside of the groups, or parents, children or spouses? There was often time a group imposed abdication of self. We were taught to avoid, or at least keep at arms length those not willing to completely submitted and committed to the will of the group. Who was hurt by our involvement? The amends making process would come later. We would find relief and forgiveness. For now, we were concerned with how the group distorted our relationships and what could we do to get it right.
Another burden needing of shredding was the dishonesty in the name of the group. Many of our group advocated deception in recruiting or hiding the facts. Some were dishonest with financial affairs. We rationalized, minimized, denied or outright lied in the name of the group. Our morals and consciences were getting the best of us. We felt ashamed of the deception and false face we kept. To clear our consciences and the burden of deception, again we listed away. There was a temptation to omit an item out of fear or shame; but if it walked like a duck, talked like a duck, and had feathers like a duck, then it was a duck. It did not matter whether it was a fine wine, beer or a Bowery concoction, alcohol was alcohol. A lie was a lie. It was important to remind ourselves that this exercise was to clean house and not beat ourselves up over our misdeeds. We did not know what we know now. We were deceived and we were playing the con we were instructed. We had to forgive ourselves.
We gave ourselves permission to remember the good times. It were not fun at times, we would have not have stayed as long as we did. As long as it did not undermine our recovery, it was fine to take a stroll down memory lane. Our mentors and comrades in recovery reminded us to be good to ourselves. It was okay to take a gentleness break. We no longer needed permission to stop and smell the roses, allergies permitting.
Like any scrupulous corporation printing the annual report, we were honest with our profits and losses. We listed the “numbers. We came clean and held nothing back. It is also important that a reputable corporation will list their profits and what the last year was like. Picking up the analogy, what did we profit from our experiences in our group. First and foremost we were out and we were in recovery. We could see how experiences could help others. Some learned domestic skills, which could be transferable, job skills. Some were in positions of leadership and learned to manage time, people and resources. Some worked long hours for group projects. Some were good with children. As we listed away, we could see we had marketable skills we take with us. We took our assets and our liabilities and our profits and our losses and listed them side-by-side
The inventory is an exhausting and exhaustive process.
Some thought they would suffer terminal writers cramps. The good news is there was an end to the process. [Of course new issues might come up in the future which would make taking inventory again a worthwhile emotional investment] There came a point where we knew we got everything to disk, paper, or papyri. We finished cleaning house. It was time to take out the trash. That brought us to step 5.