ex-shep
05-12-2007, 10:40 AM
Ok, you asked for it. You got it. The chapter on
Step 5 is out for the SARA big book. Feedback and corrections appreciated.
Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Could we trust the message of Step 5? The answer was, in a safe place, time in the program, and support with fellows in recovery, an indubitable “yes”.
Having listed away our experiences, it was time to give them away. For some of us it was a challenge. After the abuse we suffered in our groups, we were left a feeling that any level of trust of anybody and anything was zapped by our former groups. We dare not getting burned again. We also knew if we did not get our secrets out in the open, we were going to explode or at least risk being consumed by an equally destructive behaviors. We had heard of former member who turned to drugs or drinking trying to cope. Some of friends committed suicide. We knew that was not for us.
The purpose of the fifth step was working towards a new freedom and new happiness not afforded in our groups. Our groups often worked under a cloak of secrecy. This secrecy kept us in bondage to our character defects and the group. We deserved better. We were only as sick as our secrets. It was time to tell the truth. Our friends in Narcotics Anonymous had encouraging words:
For years, we avoided seeing ourselves as we really were. We were ashamed of ourselves and felt isolated from the rest of the world. Now that we have the shameful part of our past trapped, we can sweep it out of our lives if we face and admit it. It would be tragic to have it all written down and then shove it in a drawer. These defects grow in the dark, and die in the light of exposure. [NA text]
Ultimately there was some force going for broke. There was a need to give up our group experiences and the accompanying baggage to a God of our understanding, to ourselves, and a trusted person.
We had to take care to find a safe confidential venue to share. We were no longer subjected to cult of confession where everything was blabbed to the world. Emotional safety was paramount in recounting our stories. We had to be assured what was shared there stayed there. There was no hard and fast rule with whom to share. Some would rely on the counselors they may have already been seeing. There were clergy and spiritual leaders trained in counseling who knew the importance of confidentiality. They were trained in listening. They did not necessarily have to be trained in our experience (but it does help). It may be an education for them as well as a relief for us. Some could find supportive friends or relatives who listen with interest. Of course, there was always an experienced brother or sister seasoned in recovery who was honored to make to time to hear our detailed accounts. Care had to be taken that inadvertent relationships did not take over nor hormones run interference. The rule of thumb where the men generally work with the men and women with the women was a time tested point of reference in sharing our fifth steps.
Learning to trust in a power greater than oneself after the abuse in a groups was for many a Herculean task. Fortunately in SARA, our higher powers are self defined. It was said in AA, “If you don’t like your Higher Power, fire Him [her, or it]” Obviously the Higher Power espoused by our groups was not working for us. The acronym of G.OD for Good Orderly Direction was a helpful point of reference for many of us. One member actually came up with a backdoor approach to God. It was not God’s will to be in a emotionally and socially toxic environment. A loving God would never endorse any type of physical, sexual, emotional, nor psychological abuse nor neglect. It was axiomatic to say that no higher power would justify any form of deception, omission, or premeditated lying. No righteous Higher Power would justify stealing or defrauding one another. There were enough 12 step programs around for decades demonstrating that a power greater than ourselves was interested in our recovery from a multitude of roadblocks in our lives.
There were members who still recoiled at the thought of a higher power. The abuse was too much for them. There were members who made a well thought out gravitation towards atheism or rationalistic approach to recovery. There was room for Step 5 for them. There was still room to rely on the SARA fellowship or the recovery process in lieu of a Higher Power.
Admitting to ourselves the exact nature of our wrongs was still a challenge. Many of us were plagued by a sense of guilt and shame pursuant to our groups. We felt shamed for having been drawn in and duped. We felt guilty for the wrongs we did in our groups. There was a sense of being “terminally unique”. One former member even felt shame how he got out of his group. He tried to get help for a friend, only to find out that he was in bad place with his group. He left feeling that he was the only one who had his story. In recovery, he found out that others left in similar fashion. Our embarrassment is eventually overcome and we learn to avoid any future guilt over our group experiences. We admitted to ourselves the exact nature of our groups and the faulty belief system. We recounted what set us up for these types of groups so we would not make the same mistake in the future. We told what kept us in. We told what got us out. We discussed our families of origin. Some had homes which set us for our involvement. We discussed the character defects and the faulty operant conditioning learned in our groups.
We learned four faulty beliefs about our groups. There was the myth that we were bad unworthy people apart from our groups. There the second myth that if anybody knew our stories, they would not like us or look at us as if were lepers. We were taught that nobody except our groups could meet our needs. Therefore the group was the only point of reference. What we actually learned in recovery and sharing is that we had character assets. We had good qualities before, during, and after our groups. They served us well then, now, and going forward. We turned the core beliefs around. We learned we always good worthy people deserving to life at its fullest. We realized all the people who liked us since infancy. We realized the value they had in our lives. We could now realize a post group existence with new hopes and possibilities. We had resources at our fingertips we never dreamed of. [Adapted from Patrick Carnes Out of the Shadows, proper credit will be given when published]
Responses after sharing ranged greatly. Some felt drained and exhausted. It was time to take care of oneself. As one member quipped, “I guess it time to go bowling”. A gentleness break and self care was required before moving on. Many felt a sense of relief. Our friends in Alcoholics Anonymous said we could look the world in the eye and stand free. There was a new freedom and a new happiness in the wings we never felt possible. As one member pointed out, it felt great to be part of the human race.
Step 5 is out for the SARA big book. Feedback and corrections appreciated.
Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Could we trust the message of Step 5? The answer was, in a safe place, time in the program, and support with fellows in recovery, an indubitable “yes”.
Having listed away our experiences, it was time to give them away. For some of us it was a challenge. After the abuse we suffered in our groups, we were left a feeling that any level of trust of anybody and anything was zapped by our former groups. We dare not getting burned again. We also knew if we did not get our secrets out in the open, we were going to explode or at least risk being consumed by an equally destructive behaviors. We had heard of former member who turned to drugs or drinking trying to cope. Some of friends committed suicide. We knew that was not for us.
The purpose of the fifth step was working towards a new freedom and new happiness not afforded in our groups. Our groups often worked under a cloak of secrecy. This secrecy kept us in bondage to our character defects and the group. We deserved better. We were only as sick as our secrets. It was time to tell the truth. Our friends in Narcotics Anonymous had encouraging words:
For years, we avoided seeing ourselves as we really were. We were ashamed of ourselves and felt isolated from the rest of the world. Now that we have the shameful part of our past trapped, we can sweep it out of our lives if we face and admit it. It would be tragic to have it all written down and then shove it in a drawer. These defects grow in the dark, and die in the light of exposure. [NA text]
Ultimately there was some force going for broke. There was a need to give up our group experiences and the accompanying baggage to a God of our understanding, to ourselves, and a trusted person.
We had to take care to find a safe confidential venue to share. We were no longer subjected to cult of confession where everything was blabbed to the world. Emotional safety was paramount in recounting our stories. We had to be assured what was shared there stayed there. There was no hard and fast rule with whom to share. Some would rely on the counselors they may have already been seeing. There were clergy and spiritual leaders trained in counseling who knew the importance of confidentiality. They were trained in listening. They did not necessarily have to be trained in our experience (but it does help). It may be an education for them as well as a relief for us. Some could find supportive friends or relatives who listen with interest. Of course, there was always an experienced brother or sister seasoned in recovery who was honored to make to time to hear our detailed accounts. Care had to be taken that inadvertent relationships did not take over nor hormones run interference. The rule of thumb where the men generally work with the men and women with the women was a time tested point of reference in sharing our fifth steps.
Learning to trust in a power greater than oneself after the abuse in a groups was for many a Herculean task. Fortunately in SARA, our higher powers are self defined. It was said in AA, “If you don’t like your Higher Power, fire Him [her, or it]” Obviously the Higher Power espoused by our groups was not working for us. The acronym of G.OD for Good Orderly Direction was a helpful point of reference for many of us. One member actually came up with a backdoor approach to God. It was not God’s will to be in a emotionally and socially toxic environment. A loving God would never endorse any type of physical, sexual, emotional, nor psychological abuse nor neglect. It was axiomatic to say that no higher power would justify any form of deception, omission, or premeditated lying. No righteous Higher Power would justify stealing or defrauding one another. There were enough 12 step programs around for decades demonstrating that a power greater than ourselves was interested in our recovery from a multitude of roadblocks in our lives.
There were members who still recoiled at the thought of a higher power. The abuse was too much for them. There were members who made a well thought out gravitation towards atheism or rationalistic approach to recovery. There was room for Step 5 for them. There was still room to rely on the SARA fellowship or the recovery process in lieu of a Higher Power.
Admitting to ourselves the exact nature of our wrongs was still a challenge. Many of us were plagued by a sense of guilt and shame pursuant to our groups. We felt shamed for having been drawn in and duped. We felt guilty for the wrongs we did in our groups. There was a sense of being “terminally unique”. One former member even felt shame how he got out of his group. He tried to get help for a friend, only to find out that he was in bad place with his group. He left feeling that he was the only one who had his story. In recovery, he found out that others left in similar fashion. Our embarrassment is eventually overcome and we learn to avoid any future guilt over our group experiences. We admitted to ourselves the exact nature of our groups and the faulty belief system. We recounted what set us up for these types of groups so we would not make the same mistake in the future. We told what kept us in. We told what got us out. We discussed our families of origin. Some had homes which set us for our involvement. We discussed the character defects and the faulty operant conditioning learned in our groups.
We learned four faulty beliefs about our groups. There was the myth that we were bad unworthy people apart from our groups. There the second myth that if anybody knew our stories, they would not like us or look at us as if were lepers. We were taught that nobody except our groups could meet our needs. Therefore the group was the only point of reference. What we actually learned in recovery and sharing is that we had character assets. We had good qualities before, during, and after our groups. They served us well then, now, and going forward. We turned the core beliefs around. We learned we always good worthy people deserving to life at its fullest. We realized all the people who liked us since infancy. We realized the value they had in our lives. We could now realize a post group existence with new hopes and possibilities. We had resources at our fingertips we never dreamed of. [Adapted from Patrick Carnes Out of the Shadows, proper credit will be given when published]
Responses after sharing ranged greatly. Some felt drained and exhausted. It was time to take care of oneself. As one member quipped, “I guess it time to go bowling”. A gentleness break and self care was required before moving on. Many felt a sense of relief. Our friends in Alcoholics Anonymous said we could look the world in the eye and stand free. There was a new freedom and a new happiness in the wings we never felt possible. As one member pointed out, it felt great to be part of the human race.