In need of advice...

[SpinningHead]

Here's the situation...

Remember my earlier telling you that my husband's brother (M) cheated on his wife/my best friend & married the mistress 1 week after the divorce was final??... And she's still my best friend, promoted to full fledged Sister...That was a 5 -year ongoing hurtful, devastating time.

Well...recently the new mistress-wife gave birth to their son (2 months premature) & baby will stay in the hospital until June.

This past weekend M (who was drinking w/ a friend) drove home & flipped his truck breaking his collar bone. Of course friend drove M home to let the alcohol wear off & then drove him to the hospital the next day where (as I understand it) he's still at. (Truck landed wheels down so no evidence of an accident).

The new wife was released from the hospital on Saturday.

I have not spoken to them. In fact I haven't seen them since last Thanksgiving...I haven't seen any of the family since then and they've made no contact with me either.

There is a tremendous amount of bad feelings between us & not just because of their hurtful affair although that probably escalated everything.

My DH wants me to take a ride to the hospital with him & see the baby "to celebrate life". My instincts are that I don't want to go. He is frustrated with me that "I need to the right thing" and "the family will look bad upon me if I don't go" and "love my enemy" and etc. My instincts are that I don't want to go. I feel he cares more about what his family thinks than my feelings...but I'm supposed to be beyond the past.

If I do go...I'm only going to avoid fighting w/ hubby & to prove to him I'm not this awful person he makes me feel I would be if I don't go. And of course no one makes us feel anything, we do that for ourselves. W/out his guilt trips I would feel perfectly fine not going. Is that any reason to ignore my instincts and go?

What should I do as a Christian? I'm "supposed to go as a Christian". I'm too wrapped up in my own head and anxiety to know what's right vs. what's safe. Is he right?? Is going the "right thing to do" even when I'm not going for the right reasons?

So far I've been comfortable thinking that it's best to let them have this time to focus on themselves (which, is all they've ever done!).

I'm very confused and in general more than anything, I hate being at odds with DH. I'm very confused.

help.

[Willow]

Gosh... that's complicated!
I"m not married so can't help with the conflict with your husband. However... I think he should honor your free will and boundaries. I don't think I would want to go see the baby either....

Sometimes in situations like this, I remind myself that I need to "pick my fights". I'd say that applies in marriage too. This one sounds like a big principle that I would need to stand my ground on. Besides... don't you get sick of people pretending to be/do/want something they really don't be/do/want? I'm trying hard to be more bottom line and honest with others. I realize there are times you have to do things you don't want to do. However... emotional honesty is important too. Hmmm... ok.. I"m talking in circles!

[butterfly]

[[[[[Spininghead]]]]

You married your husband not his family.

They already have bad feelings about you. You can"t change that because they are abusers and they will do there abusing.

So no matter what you do you will always be on their hate list.

I am sorry your hubby feels you have to bend and do the right Christian thing.
Yeck!!!
To me the right Christian thing is to take care of yourself. Send a gift and a card. Thats away of thinking about the baby.

How about telling hubby. Have you forget how they treated me and your ["sister"].

Going wouldn"t mend any bad feelings.
It would cause more pain on you.

How about I love you hubby but I can not allow myself more abusive feelings.

Oh stand up girl and protect yourself!!!

You have a right to do what you feel whats best for you.

My hubby and I agreed when we got married that our union was to start a new family.

We were not under the old laws to please my family by going around people who were abusive.

Yes they were mad we didn"t go to their partys. So what!!!! If we went I would of been abused.

I hope you can feel free to do as you please. If hubby gets mad he will get over it won"t he.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr sounds like hubbys brother looks out for number 1 himself.
I wonder how he explained his broken colar bone??

Here he is a new dad and goes out and gets drunk. Leaving his wife with a new born. Then gets himself injured.
Well he sounds he loves her alot.

I have put some of my own emotions into this post cause I feel sorry for you being pushed to do what you don"t want to and you will be hurt either way.

I am not telling you what to do ok. Just some input.:D

I would think it would make your sister feel bad to know you went to see the baby. because of all the trash puck brother in law has done.

How about they are your family not mine you are pleased to do as you want.
I just can"t put myself thru that. I am sorry I love you but I have to say no.

God knows I need to protect myself and my health.

Hope something I have wrote will help you some.Grrrrrrrrrrrr the christian thing to do. Feathers standing up on this old hen.:( :D shilrey

[mary]

SpinningHead, what if you send a beautiful baby present - for the innocent little one only - and make that be your statement, your only statement?

"Celebrating life..." - this was an adulterous affair that resulted in a "marriage" that shouldn't have been and now, the Lord has seen fit to give life to a wee one who might be His own someday and so we can't and must not denigrate that baby... But to couch it in those terms, "celebrating life..." That's how the devil cloaks the results of evil... "Celebrating life," my fanny.

You can "celebrate" this new life that came from the Lord's own hand without supporting the parents. You can pray for this new baby and give a gift - and never mind what your husband says. You follow your conscience first and then what your husband says...

I've been invited to tons of baby showers for single "Christian" women who got pregnant, decided not to marry the baby's father "for now" (never was there a financial reason; they just "didn't feel like getting married"), but nevertheless, had their mothers or sisters give them baby showers. :eek: Now, my mother and grandmother would have fainted dead away at the very thought of many of the elements of this situation. I hate it, but I resolve it this way: I decline the shower invitations graciously, with no explanations or excuses or "preaching," but I send or take over to the mother's house a very nice baby gift. It's still a gesture of thanking the Lord for this new little life, no matter how He gave it, but it doesn't mingle that gratefulness with support for the actions of the parents.

What do you think?

mary

[Elisabeth]

That is a complicated situation! I think that hubby's brother deserves "Creep award!"

That said, there has been so much hurt, and you said that the affair - divorce - remarriage is not the only part of it. If there is so many bad feelings, why does hubby think that you going to see the baby would be good for either you or his brother's wife? I think your hubby is being insensitive to your needs. I think you need to take care of yourself, and not put yourself in the position where you would feel uncomfortable or abused. Not only that, but maybe point out to hubby that it's a difficult time when a premature baby is born, and it's not a time to be used to try to get a bad family relationship together!

I think Mary's suggestion of a baby gift is excellent. Besides, is anyone other than the baby's parents even allowed in the NICU? In many hospitals, it's parents only, or maybe grandparents, too, but often not even aunts and uncles!

[Ladybug]

I'm single too. But I like the "suggestion" of getting the baby a gift.

I wouldn't want to put myself in a situation where I'd be abused verbally and emotionally.

Continue to pray and ask the Lord to show you the way He'd have you to go.

[Jerry]

Dear Spinninghead,,,
What a great idea sending a nice gift for the little one who has no part in any of this :D That leaves you the option to tell the rest of them to "Go pound salt in their ass" :D
Love Jerry

[Anna Marta]

Dear Spinninghead,

What a situation you are in! You have asked what you should you do as a Christian and you hate being at odds with your husband...

Unfortunately IMHO, when we marry a person we do get their family too, for better or worse, we become a part of a greater whole and have to deal with it. There are several important issues here, as I see it. One is that as a wife and in-law it is important that you do nothing to come between 2 brothers. Regardless of how we may feel as in-laws, siblings have a relationship with each other that has to be respected. Another is your responsibility to ensure your personal boundaries so as not to be controlled or manipulated through guilt etc. Another is the preservation of your marriage relationship as top priority over and above a relationship with a friend. I know this may sound harsh, but your best friend could very well, at any time, find a new love and walk off into the sunset with him and leave her old life and everyone in it behind to start a new life.

The idea of a gift could be a workable compromise, at this point, for you and your husband. He could take the gift and see his brother and new wife himself. Eventually you are going to have to come to terms with this new marriage and relationship in the family, irregardless of whether you approve or not of how it came to be. Maintaining family relationships does not need to be a rejection of your best friend.

I can tell you from personal testimony that there is power in putting aside what we want and doing the "counter cultural, upside down, and backwards thing" God tells us to do. Doing the right Christian thing (completely against my feelings, rights and conservative church teachings) lead to unbelievably wonderful results. I chose Christ's model of love and have reaped the blessings 1000 fold.

I forgave my cousin (Jezebel incarnate that had tormented me since childhood) who had a 5 year adulterous relationship with my husband - experiencing this "impossible thing" lead her to become a Christian and seek salvation. (She is in heaven now because of it.) Forgiving my ex-husband has created a united family who can now come together and celebrate holidays and important events. The children and grandchildren experience the miracle of what love can do. They see us as living examples of the miraculous power of God which is greater than personal rights, pain and judgments.

I would encourage you not to put the sins of the father (and mother) onto the innocent child. It is possible to be a loving aunt and uncle without betraying your friend.

For whatever it's worth. Love
Anna Marta

[SpinningHead]

Hi all...everyone is so great here!! I've thought day & night about all that you've written.

Here are some updates:

On mother's day we both are finding ourselves in Mass where both our parents live. Hubby wants to go to the hospital for 3:00 (both parents have been released) & then the family wants to go to the ethnic park (where pops is manager) to have take out & hang out. The "park" is a central place close to the hospital.

SO...options are that we could spend the first part of the day w/ my mom & then either
A) we both go up to the hospital & then to the "park" for pot-luck
B) I just stay w/ my mom all day and he'll pick me up later

One of my dilemas has been that M, wife & MIL are narcissists. When I show up for things & am pleasant, etc...they have always taken that as my accepting their behavior. "Oh good, she's over it now". They refuse to talk about anything real & have thrown tantrums when one attempts to talk about something real. It's not like I am able to make it clear to their understanding that yes I am here because it is important to my husband, we are family, and there's a little life here that is hurting... (They don't see me as family but as "my son's wife") ... but I do not condone what has gone as as being OK & that the "only thing that matters is M's happiness". All they care about is that their son (my DH) is there and oh look...his wife decided to be here too.

I feel like I could go and make this really nice salad (I make killer salads!!) and fresh baked bread in the idea of heaping coals on one's enemy's head (see Romans 12) but...being the narcissists that they are...they expect people to cater to them, agree with them and serve them and their purposes/agendas. They are shocked and surprised when people don't fall in line with what they want. (MIL has actually stated quite venomously that we have ruined whatever holiday we were at by sitting at her kitchen table and not having the conversation she feels is appropriate for her holiday! One year I ruined Easter b/c I wanted to go and went to church in the morning instead of staying home and baking cornish game hens for her family. :confused: And she refused my recipe to make them herself.)

In the one time I spoke w/ new mistress wife, she expressed judgement on the family (meaning us) for not accepting and supporting M's decision "to be happy". She talked throughout the one conversation we had as though she had a right to M even though he was married and a right to be part of this family. It was very bold, angering and confusing to me that any woman could express a right to another woman's husband. When she asked me if I blamed her for the divorce...I responded "there was nothing about your relationship with a married man that was supportive of his marriage or his wife...which at his wedding I vowed before God to support." That was pretty much the end of her part of the conversation.

I'm probably venting & ranting. My DH says how this is in the past, it is what it is and I should accept the situation. How do I accept the situation and at the same time be true to the morals and values put forth by God? I'm not in denial of the situation... I'm supposed to be an example of Christ... I don't know what to do. They refuse to talk about it ("it's over") and now it is treated even more mute with this new baby in the hospital (who is innocent!).

Just for the record, My X-SIS/SIS and I have had many discussions about her X/wife will at some time or another be in my presence. She knows that there are times I might have to choose their company for the sake of my marriage and she supports that & empathizes that it's a choice that I don't make easy. She knows too that my DH has at times a need to choose his family for whatever event...she wouldn't hold that against him either. The three of us have expressed through many tears that whatever his family has decided, they don't represent how we feel and that she is our family. M may have decided to divorce her but we did not make that same decision. That said...

Forget the fact that my X-SIL/SIS is my best friend...that aside, how do I please Christ in this situation? What could I do that would represent Him? And how do I hear his voice over my own anguished/hurt emotions and voices in my own head??

Mother's Day is 2 days away so whatever y'all got...anything, prayers, thoughts, advice...and I'm a New Englandahhh! We don't say "y'all" so I hope you're getting how anxious I feel right now.

[mary]

Dear (((((SpinningHead...)))))),

That situation with your in-laws sounds "crazy-making!" It sounds as though you're anticipating intelligently what will happen based on past, bitter experience... As to what you do about it, first off, you're a Christian, SH, and that means a whole lot. It means we're "set apart," often first from family (Matthew 10:34-38). Boy, are we set apart! It hurts, but it's necessary, for the Lord witnesses in families in just that manner, and He blesses us as one of His own, not the world's, when He makes that happen. What you're hearing is that "still, small voice," only right now, for you, it's not so still and small, is it? Sometimes, He saves unsaved family members in just that fashion and by that type of witness.

Who knows whom you would sanctify by saying, in effect, "This far - but no farther from God's law will I go?" A powerful witness for God will bless you and those others whom He purposes to bless - and will bring judgment on those upon whom He means to bring judgment. What would bring honor to Christ? Mother's Day is first, after all, the Lord's Day, so we need to think about that first. We honor Jesus Christ; we honor His sacrifice on the cross and the meaning of His atonement for our sins... We honor the Father for the great sacrifice of His only begotten Son for us. The U. S. and other places ("the world"), years ago, proclaimed the second Sunday of May as a day to honor mothers, overlooking that Sunday is the Christian Sabbath and belongs to Christ. Years ago, people used to observe the Lord's Day as Biblically prescribed, but now, hardly anyone does.

If I were you, I'd follow my conscience and let the Lord handle the clean-up! :D :D :D You pray without ceasing... He will bless you if you honor Him and His hold on your conscience. You are not your own; you were "bought with a price." You are not anyone else's, either; sure, your husband has certain claims to you, but not to your soul or to the dictates of your God-given conscience.

(Don't worry about "y'all;" I'm a Midwesterner who says it as a result of my son living in TX for two years and visiting there every few weeks. I made friends there and I even say "all y'all" when I mean "everybody." How's that, Ex-Shep and HB? ;) )

I'll keep you in prayer, SpinningHead. I can see, though, how blessed you already are to be identified with the very Name of our dear Lord and Savior!

Love,

mary

[Satscout]

I must admit, that's the first time I have ever heard of anyone accusing anyone of ruining Easter by going to church. :rolleyes:

That said... if you can spend the time with your mom... do it... IMO. Sounds like it's a lot less crazy-making than the rest of the bunch.

[Elisabeth]

Families are complicated! That said, since x-SIL/SIS understands you might at some time have to spend some time with new wife, and that it doesn't reflect how you feel about her, maybe you can spend a little bit of time and let "all the stuff" go in one ear and out the other. Otherwise, if they drive you too crazy, have hubby explain to hes family that you want to spend the time with your own mom. You do have a right to spend time with her!
Narcisstic, self centered people are some of the worst you can encounter. They never get a clue! :mad:

[SpinningHead]

Well...I decided I would play Mother's Day by ear.

I had decided that I would go w/ hubby to the hospital. Despite DH calling M repeatedly throughout the weekend to find out when we could come to the hospital (at their convenience), M couldn't/wouldn't arrange a time that they would be at there and we could arrange our schedule to be there at the same time. (Wife's mother was flying in on Sat.) Which I can understand the schedule was crazy but as were were literally 1 minute up the street from the hospital, all M had to do was call and say that they were at the hospital and we would have driven down. As it turned out M called to say that they had just left the hospital...so no hospital visit yesterday. :confused: I'm trying to remember that they are going through a difficult time but I wished M would have called DH to say he(we) could come see the baby. They didn't have to do anything more than a phone call.

So since we weren't going to the hospital & DH's rest of the day plans were to see his parents for maybe an hour (the park is also down the street from my mother's), I decided to stay at my mom's & he could pick me up when he was done (as he would have had to drive right by my mother's place on the way to the highway).

What I did do...no, what GOD did was lay on my heart a prayer for the baby & parents Friday night, which I typed out till about 1:30 am & left it on the computer screen. DH woke up and read it and said it really touched his heart & he thought it was beautiful. LSS...I printed it out on really nice paper w/ light blue baby footprints, framed it & wrapped it real nice & pretty.

DH took it w/ him to his parents & M/wife showed up for a short time so he gave it to them there. He presented the gift to them & DH said they received it well. He said they both read it and cried (despite M being an atheist & our last unpleasant encounter). I do hope that somehow through this they would find themselves wanting to be closer to God. He loves them afterall.

Unpleasant news is that Baby O was just diagnosed with 13-Y chromosone syndrome in 20% of his cells. Generally a baby either has the syndrone in 100% or nothing. If they have it, the docs usually give them between hours and days to live. They have absolutely no idea what 20% means, they've not seen that before so they & parents are doing research to find out more info.

I told hubby that I would go with him to see the baby at the hospital hopefully one afternoon this week. DH seemed ok with that.

God is the ulitmate good!!

[Jerry]

Dear Spinninghead,,,,
I just read your most recent post then went and reread mine ,,,,,:eek: It's a good thing I am not God !!!!! ;) His way turned out so much better :D
Love Jerry